Catching Up, Bitching and Praying

I cannot believe it has been over a week since I posted, I have not really had any time to visit blogs either.  Well, the weather got crappy so of course I got called back to work!  It has not been too bad, actually the cool weather has been a blessing since I am working at a landfill.  Funny I was thinking the other day how grateful I am to be pursuing a different career path.  When I first got into the construction business, I loved it.  Working outdoors, in the fresh air and sunshine, being in nature, one with the earth so to speak.  I worked for an awesome company with bosses who were willing to give me a chance and believed in me more than I think I believed in myself!  The last three years I have worked in a refinery and now a landfill, not really what I signed up for.  The main reason I was pursuing an alternative career was because as a woman I have not really had much success at this line of work.  Work like a dog, get laid off.  I have taken every single class that is offered at the laborers training center.  I am certified in grade checking, pipe laying, advanced instruments, advanced grade checking, asphalt placement, blue print reading, on and on. Yet still, I always get put in the position of flagging traffic, or some other menial, boring, mentally draining task.  I cannot wait until I get my degree and hopefully will be working as a nurse.  I will have the certification, the sheepskin so to speak.  I will not be given certain tasks to do simply because I am a woman.  I am not dogging on the construction business I have made pretty good money most years and there have been those bosses that I would have once in a while who have given me opportunities to have more responsibility.  The construction world has come a long way, but unfortunately only because they have been forced to through affirmative action.  There are bosses out there who will treat you as if you were their sister or friend.  And then there mostly those who see a woman as being put on this earth for one thing, and it sure as hell is not to work side by side doing a "mans" job.  "Why don't you go home and bake some cookies lady?"  Wow, how many times have I heard that?  Geez, I did not mean to go off on such a tangent about this stuff!  I am very grateful to be working and bring home a decent paycheck, but I long for the day when my job is much to me than just a paycheck.

On a slightly different note:  I goofed off all last weekend, hitting tons of meetings going out for ice cream etc. in lieu of my anniversary.  I also had commitments make coffee and chair at two meetings.  I am still waiting for the day when someone signs to make coffee for the new meeting can actually fulfill their commitment.   I have been making coffee almost every week since July.  But I said I was willing to do it when I started the meeting so I really can't bitch, but geez, can someone sign up and then full it?  There I go bitching again!  Attendance has been sort of dwindling but we have been having awesome meetings. Last night there was eight of us and my friend  "K" was chosen at the last second as the speaker.  The chair/coffee got sick at the last moment.  I asked my sponsor to chair and informed her that she needed to pick a lead, (one hour before the meeting)  it all worked out great and we all heard a wonderful message!

  The point I was trying to make here was that I got caught with my pants down as far as school.  I procrastinated on my studies thinking I had all the time in the world, then got called back to work with lots of studying left on the table..  My professor told me I could take the test at a later date(sweet). So, I have been studying all morning because I have been too exhausted all week.  I really wanted to try and take the test this afternoon, but there is no way.  I had a meltdown over the whole thing and decided that Monday would be a better choice to take it.  I really wanted to get it over with today, but if I care about passing it, I have to go with Monday.  So that brings me to right here, right  now, (big sigh). 

Hubby is away for the weekend and it is me, doggy and kitty.  I was invited to a Halloween party tonight but I really want to stay home and relax, (and study).  I am going to take some time out an d meet my sponsor for dinner.

Last but not at least my dear sweet bloggers, if you have read on this far, please go just a little bit further.  So far everything has been all about me, but I have not been that self absorbed as it sounds, really.  Someone has been on my heart all week and that someone has been our friend Pam and her Mom, so if you are reading this please take a moment and breathe Gods spirit, in and let God's love out and think of Pam and her Mama. 

Thanks so much for listening.

Patty

10 Best Moments of My Life

Syd started this (I think), it seemed fitting to me tonight.

1. My wedding day, we got married on a warm September day, in a city park, next to a beautiful waterfall. We had our reception at our home with all home cooked food.
2. The day I got my dog Shannon Blue, I had no intentions of getting a puppy that day, but she had other ideas.
3. Working on a farm when I was a kid. Ten years old and working and making money like an adult, and having a great time too.
4. Halloween when I was kid, going out and soaping windows. I know that sounds terrible but we had such a riot and I will never forget those days!
   
5. Walking across the stage and receiving my High School diploma at the age of 35.
6. The day my husband asked me to marry him. He drove for eight hours one way, almost every weekend to come and see me. I will never forget looking out the window and seeing him combing his hair in the car before he got out. He came in, got down on one knee, and asked me to be his wife forever.
7. October 24th, 2005, the day I got sober, found AA, and a God of my understanding.
8. Last August when I realized it was OK to tell the truth
9. Our first "real" vacation after being together for 20 years, we went to Cape Hatteras, NC.
10. Every moment I wanted to give up, but I didn't.
    

Onward and Upward

When I got up this morning the right words were there. I wrote the note put in in an envelope with the check and took it out to the mailbox. Done deal. Enough already. I have sat in this for long enough and it is time to move on. I am so grateful that staying in the sadness, negativity,grief and self pity, is no longer a comfortable place for me. Listening to my homegroup members share on step 11 helped me so much last night. I am so grateful for that wonderful group of fellows that walk the walk, and pass it on.

So it is onward and upward, and yes I do feel that God wants me start climbing a mountain again (thanks Jenn). The mountain called life with all of its ups and downs. I think maybe I am truly starting to understand that expression we so often hear, "Life on life's terms." I have never dealt with life before. I would either stuff the feelings and ignore them, or of my favorite option of course get stinking drunk. I am learning that every little negative thing that comes my way is not some big drama that I have to get all upset about. I am an emotional human being, today I allow myself to feel the emotions and the feelings, decide if I need to take some acton, such as putting up a boundary or make an amends. If I am not sure what to do I wait and pray. Then I have to let it go. I cannot dwell on any one thing for a long period of time be it happy or sad. I have to move on and keep doing what is in front of me. I have to keep living my life, the whole thing, not just parts of it here and there. So, that is what I am going to today. I took some pics this AM. but the light was not too great. This is my fav, of course.
Have a great day everyone, thanks for listening!

Eleventh Step Prayer (prayer of St. Francis)

"Lord, make me a channel of thy peace-
That where there is hatred, I may bring love-
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness-
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony-
That where there error, I may bring truth-
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith-
That where there is despair, I may bring hope-
That where there are shadows, I may bring light-
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted-
To understand,than to be understood-
To love, than to be loved.
For it is by self forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen

Blah, blah, blah

Not much to blog about today but I was really getting sick of that picture on my blog. I still have not finished the blouse. I am in one of those damn in between places again. Not with the blouse, but with a lot of other stuff. I have been working on a letter to send to my Mom all weekend. I have to ask her to please back off again. She is getting way too close and has decided to shove people down my throat that I do not care to be around ever again as long as I live. I sure as heck could care freaking less about her and his day to day activities! I keep forgetting that she still lives in her own little world where we pretend that everything is just honky dory and Patty goes with the flow so everyone, mainly she, can be OK. I will ride it out. I am on my second draft. I want to be clear and concise without being mean and nasty. It always starts out well enough, then towards the end things start to go sour. I cannot believe I have not heard from her, it has over a week since she sent the money and gifts. She is probably waiting for a big beautiful thank you note, and instead she is getting everything back. I actually had to "hide"the box of gifts under my buffet, it made me feel sick to my stomach every time I walked by. So I am still trying to sort this all out, and get it taken care of before the holidays. I am just not strong enough or healed enough to have a relationship with her yet. I cannot deal with the dysfunction. For some reason it is really magnified to me too. I have been praying for her. And thank God I have the support of my husband and my sponsor.
Last week, I had a very deep meditation where my HP was carrying me out of a cave into the ocean. For some reason we stopped right at the mouth of the cave, and He set me down. I did not feel pushed or pressured to walk out, but I think that there is a cliff above this cave that I need to climb, and I am being prepared. I know I will not be climbing alone. I think I am really getting close to closure on all of this, I have found so much peace lately.

All last week God kept telling me to be quiet. I did really good until Friday. I went to Starbucks and got a mocha with a couple of extra shots of espresso in it. WOW. What a blabber mouth. I turned into some scary monster. It was almost as if I was drunk. I was definitely in an altered state of mind. I even had an ammends to make the next day for being such a sarcastic smart ass. After I got home I really felt like crap. Physically and mentally, I mean it reminded me way too much of days gone by and coming down and all of that horrible stuff, so no more double shots of espresso for this alcoholic! So I am back to being quiet and listening and I believe I will have some decaf herbal tea tonight thank-you!

Homegroup tonight And I am chairing and making coffee. We will continue on step 11 in the 12 &12. SO, much to look forward to as I start my day. Going to take some fall pics for all you southees out there! Have a great day everyone, and thanks for listening.

Sewing News and Such

I love Fridays. Friday is my sewing day. I allow myself to sew all day if I want to. No studying , no housework, no errands. Actually, I do have one errand to run in Akron today (darn).

This is the blouse I am almost finished with. My husband got me the bust form last weekend. Kind of a cheering up present. It did cheer me up, I just love it. I have always wanted one, and it makes piecing and fitting so much easier than laying things flat on a table. I just love this blouse, as you can see, the buttons are in the process of being adjusted. I ran out of fabric, and had to line the inside of those big ruffly cuffs with a different fabric, but it came out nice. The gray fabric is just draped, I am going to make a skirt with it.

Tonight is homegroup night at the womens meeting. The last couple of weeks the turnout has been a little fewer than in the beginning, but it has been nice. Actually now it is more like I thought it would be. Just nine or ten of us girls reading and discussing the steps. It is always very good!

My sponsee got snippy with me the other day on the phone. I am thinking of making texting off limits to sponsees. I hate conversations that just end, with no "goodbye" or "see ya later." Then I will ask a question and get no response, to me that is just plain rude. So I call and no answer then I get a text saying "I am really busy! No time to talk on the phone!" Oh, I see. No problemo. And here I go again expecting courtesy and accountability from someone who is very sick. So I will wait for her to pick up the phone, and in the meantime remind myself that she is exactly where she is supposed to be, in Gods hands. I'm still not nuts anbout the texting thing though, gonna have to pray on that one.

Oh yeah one more thing! I did really well on my test! I got an 85, which makes me extremely happy, happy, happy!!! So I need to do some studying along with the sewing this weekend and stay on track. This is the crucial time. No test to study for....yet, but a good weekend to get everything understood that he lectured on this week. Good stuff too, blood vessels, capilaries, arteries and the entire lymphatic system. Pretty cool also, we are learning about immunity etc. while all this H1N1 stuff is in the news. I love this class. It makes me so excited about starting nursing school next fall, this is what I signed up for, finally! I love learning this stuff.

So Much to be Grateful For

Long night at school tonight. I got there around four and took my make-up test, then went to lab at six and took a test on the heart, then lecture till nine-thirty. Even though it is only Tuesday it has been a really full last few days. SO full in fact that I just do not know where to begin. So I will sum it all up by saying , this is what I have learned this week, in some instances it is not for the first time I have learned, but anyway, here goes:

• God loves all of us the same, no matter what we have done, I truly believe that in my heart.
• He is always there, just waiting for us to ask Him for what we need, or to tell Him, OK I understand, could you please take over now, thanks.
• I have found compassion in my heart that I thought could never exist, and it is such a relief.
• When you don't know what to do, do nothing, and pray and wait. The answer will come. It really will.
• Just when you think that you are done....you are not, and it's OK, in fact it's pretty great.

I am so grateful that I have a God of MY understanding, that is always there for me, even when I think I am doing everything all alone, I find out otherwise soon enough.

I am so grateful for the peace and serenity that has been restored to be by working the 12 steps. Especially the 11th step as of late.

I am so grateful that I can spend the entire day in tears off and on and just let those tears flow because I am just sad, and let it be OK, and not have to try and choke back those tears because I really can't exactly put my finger on why I am crying.

I am so grateful that whenever the going gets tough I do not have to depend on any mortal human being to make me OK. I can snuggle up in the arms of my Higher Power and rest my spirit for as long as I need.

Having said that:
I am so grateful that I have a husband that has been here while I have worked through all of the abuse, dysfunction, sadness and hate.....and still loves and supports me.

Walking on Eggshells

Hoping that this migraine does not come back. The last two days have been awful! After being down all last weekend, and then this headache comes along and just knocks me out. It's amazing how I can get accustomed to the pain. Not cheerfully mind you. It is beginning to look as if this is yet another wonderful symptom of PMS. Anyway, I am glad to be pain free so far today and able to study.

On to other stuff:

• My anatomy professor is the bomb. I e-mailed him yesterday morning, we had a test last night, a big huge test. I asked him if I could possibly take it on Monday as I have this headache, blah, blah, blah. He told me I could take the test anytime next week and he hopes I get well soon. What a relief. I have not been able to study with all this stuff going on with my body. So as soon as I finish writing this it is off to study land!

• It is a cold and dreary rainy day here today. Hubby is off from work and resting on the couch. A good day to make an apple pie or apple crisp.

Twice this week at meetings this paragraph has been put in front of me to read:

"Finally, we begin to see that all people including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or get hurt by people who, like us are suffering from the pains of growing up."
(12 &12, step 10, page 92)

It really feels like God is guiding me through the steps this year. Putting people and circumstances in my path at just the right time. In this tenth month of the year, as we study the tenth step, I have been wrong so many times, and have had to promptly admit it. Mostly in my own home. I feel like I am learning so much at once! Growing pains again! That's OK!

Yesterday I grabbed an old rain coat out of the closet and headed out the door. After I was on the road I reached into the pocket and pulled a pack of Winston full flavor kings. I opened the box....empty! Huge sigh of relief! I was not prepared for that! I told my husband about it later and he said if that happens again, just throw them out the window before you can even think about it. Sounds like a great plan to me!

Tonight is my Women's Little Red Book meeting. It is really doing so well I cannot believe it. We have been able to pay rent and have a pretty good prudent reserve set aside so far. We need to get a new coffee pot sometime in the near future. The one donated is a bit of a fire hazard. So we have gotten another coffee pot donation and if it does not work out, then we will just purchase a new one. Some of the HG members want to start giving out coins, but we have shelved that for right now until we see how things are going to go. That is a sort of financial obligation to keep them stocked etc. An anonymous donor did give us two of each up to a year, but we still nee to have a group conscience on it.
This meeting has taught me so much about myself, the traditions, and getting long with my fellows. I am so grateful for all of it.

Now of to study land! have a blessed day everyone!

Monday Evening Gratitude

This weekend I felt like I had mono. I spent all day Saturday and Sunday in bed with a heating pad on my back. Today I felt much better and cleaned the whole house and did all the laundry.(?) I think maybe I was dehydrated. I don't know, but trying to take better care of myself and listen to my body and when it told me to go back to bed I did!

Today I am so grateful:

• Knowing that God loves me for me

• That I love myself enough to listen to my body and take care of myself

• That all I need to do is my small part, which sometimes is just showing up and listening

• That I have survived a lot in my life and grown so much in the past year,

• That I was well enough tonight to attend and make coffee for my Monday night homegroup

• All the folks that showed up there tonight

• That I have all day tomorrow to study for my test on blood typing

• For my husband, doggy and kitty, my little family

• That someone close to me has had a prayer answered, and now I get to watch the entire event unfold

• That I feel so much better when I do my 10th step before going to sleep at night, just like the 12 & 12 says!

• All of the colors, smells and sounds of fall

• To realize three hours after I got up today, that the thought of a cigarette had not crossed my mind up to that point, and it made me smile

• All of the troops and the sacrifices that they and their families are making for each and every one of us, God Bless them all.

• To be alive, sober and recovering in the good old U S of A!

• To see and feel Gods amazing Grace!

Why Me?

I am not complaining, not in the least, but I have been asking God, why me? for the past several days. My phone has been ringing off the hook with new women reaching out for help. Most sober, some are not. I am learning how to handle the drunk calls in a kind and loving way. I keep asking everybody, "What the hell is going on?" But this is the time of year when I was hitting my bottom. This was when the hopelessness really started to move in on me. I have one girl that is utterly hopeless. I am so happy for her! I had to be beaten all the way down by this disease before I was able to be open to any suggestions.

I can see my old self in so many of these women. It amazes me. It makes me so grateful. And it makes me so aware of just how alike we all are! We want all the other problems to instantly go away, go away now! I did not drink today, therefore everybody should be walking around on eggshells and kissing my ass right? Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to stay sober today? Especially with someone like YOU in my life? Why can't everybody just back the F off? It took me so long to realize that most people just plain do not care if you are trying to stay sober. Unless they are in AA and trying to stay sober too. And that was the key!!!!! Meetings, meetings, meetings! Phone numbers. And more meetings. All different kinds of meetings. Next thing you know, you have a little network of women that you are becoming close to. You are calling people to ask THEM how THEY are! You find that you not only have time in your busy life to stay sober, but to actually make coffee for a meeting, or to swing by and pick someone up who does not have any transportation. At three weeks sober you can go up to the brand new girl and tell her with all honesty that it does get better, it really does!

I love this program and how it works! I am so grateful today for all of it, and all of the people it has put in my path and all of the valuable lessons I am learning one day at a time. Now I am off to get ready for my morning women's meeting that I truly love!