Taking Care of Myself

"Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they , like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God, save me from being angry. Thy will be done." (Big Book, p.67)

Taking care of myself. It is something that I am still learning to do. It's right up there with letting God do for me what I cannot do for myself. There is a thin line between the two. God does not want me to stay in a situation that makes me feel bad about myself, but He cannot swoop down with His all powerful hands, scoop me up and place me somewhere else. What he has done is opened my eyes, lifted the fog. Given me a peace and serenity that I have never had before in my life, and I want to maintain it at any cost.

When the way someone else behaves effects the way I feel about myself, I have to stop and ask myself why? I used to go to any lengths to try and change their behavior so I could be OK. I would get really pissed off when I would try to guess what hoops they wanted me to jump through, and it was always wrong. They would still be angry about something. I had to realize that I was powerless and stop trying to control everything. First I had to realize that I WAS trying to control everything. Funny, I thought I was the one being controlled.

I also learned that I do not have to stay in their sickness either. I always thought I had to stay to be a "good person." I know today that it is OK to take care of me and leave if I have to. Just walk away, let them be as miserable as they want to be. Because if I stay in it, I have tendency to become a martyr, then a victim, then I get pissed. Those are three giant backward steps for me, not always easy to come back from right away either. The way I always dealt with this vicious cycle before was to get really,really drunk. Now, there may be a few days of really sick thinking. I am grateful that my sponsor usually spots this pattern in me before I do, and she is helping me to recognize it before it spins outof control, and the next thing I know I have a pile of fourth steps to do. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but if I can avoid the first step in this relapse, it can save me so much misery. But hey, that's how we learn!

So yesterday I knew an ugly situation was approaching. Old me, would have gone to any lengths to try and control the situation. I would make my house look perfect. I would kill myself doing this all day. I would prepare food, buy gifts, whatever I thought would avoid this sticky situation that was coming. Oh, yeah, I would be getting very numb too. The numbness factor was number one on the agenda of course, but that would be my little secret. Instead of doing all those things that I used to do, yesterday I got my studying done, did what I thought was enough house work for the day, and then I went outside and sat in a lawn chair and did my nails and read my 12 & 12 and Daily Reflections. It felt good. I took care of me.

When I got home from school last night, things were pretty much what I expected them to be. Not nice. I kept quiet, listened, made dinner, said the fourth step prayer over and over in my head, recited my gratitude list over and over in my head. I did not get pissed. I came close to leaving a couple of times, but I did not. Later we were talking and this person told me that his soul depends on people at work getting along with and liking him.
(Sigh)Thy Will be Done.

Wordless Wednesday