Calm Acceptance

over it

2012-02-07T11:11:00.002-05:00

The past few days that is. I had a horrible day at the hospital last week. There is a saying "nurses eat their young." I know exactly what that means now. I got thrown under the bus.....totally, not only by another nurse, but a student as well. It happened in front of my patient, (who was sedated), three doctors, a team of nurses and three other students. What matters most in all of this is that I took very good care of my patient who was in no way harmed or compromised, and there is no way what happened to me in any way compares to what my patient went through that day, and continues to go through. It was a minor oversight that was made a big deal of because the doctor noticed it and brought it to my nurse's attention. He (the nurse) immediately pointed the finger directly at me. One of my fellow students could not wait to tell our instructor about it. I learned several valuable lessons though, but first I must pause and thank God for keeping my mouth shut, amen! The lessons learned not only pertained to my nursing skills, but how I handled the situation, (how God had me handle the situation), and in the end, my (God given) accountability made a few heads turn. In other words, having been thrown under the bus, I rolled over and said, yes they are right, it was my responsibility. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Now, what happened after I got home is another story. There were many tears.

The whole situation in clinical reminds me of when I first got sober and I did not even have thirty days under my belt and I wanted 30 years. I am working side by side with nurses who have 10, 15, 20 years experience and I think I should know as much as they do, and be able to perform as well as they do. ( I think some of them expect me too as well)What I learned that day is not available in any nursing text book, for sure. Walking away with a bruised ego and a little humility are a small price to pay. I AM STILL LEARNING!!!!!

My first test was Monday. I never realize how stressed out I am until it is over and suddenly I can breathe. There were 75 questions, we had 90 minutes. I had finished the math and started working on the multiple choice. I was on question #24 and she said you have 30 minutes left. Holy Crap!!!!! I will find out Friday if that hurt me or helped me. I did not have time to over think anything. As an alcoholic, that is always a good thing!
Other things I did this weekend besides fry my brains studying:

I called an AA friend and asked for some suggestions, which she gave me and I followed.
I made some quiet time for myself.
Put several things( people, situations) in my God box
Said the Humility Prayer
Talked to my sponsee who is getting better at following instructions (yay God!)
Said the Humility Prayer.
I gave notice at my job, it was just too much with my school schedule. Tomorrow is my last day and a girl will be taking over who really needs the money and will do great.
I went to see my boss in person yesterday after several days of email correspondence and she gave me a big hug.

I have rambled on enough today. Guess I should post more often and avoid these novels. Thanks for listening anyway!
Life has it's bumps in the road, and mine have been so minor. For that I am so grateful! I am grateful to be sober and living this life today with all of its ups and downs.

Willing to Go to Any Lengths.....

2012-01-30T10:32:00.000-05:00

Good morning bloggers. I have been so crazy busy. Friday and Saturday night I went to bed early and slept in late. A little behind on my school work, but it will be OK. Friday was my first 10 hour day at the hospital. It flew by. I ~~love/worship,~~ really like my clinical instructor, I am so, grateful to have gotten her at this point in nursing school, my last semester. She is the bomb! Patient, smart. She knows how to do the job, and knows how to teach others how to do it, a rare combination.

Thursday morning I got up extra early and met with a sponsee to work her first step. I should have known something was awry when she had to hunt for her Big Book for five minutes. It was soon after that I realized she had not been totally honest with me about completing her assignment, (which she had for three weeks) I had given her type written consise instructions on what to do: Write a gratitude list every day, read blah, blah, in the Big Book, etc. She had done none of it, but she did read the Bible, (sigh). So we did the reading together. After two hours it was time to go to the meeting. She said, so are you going to give me my step two assignment? I said no, you have not completed step one yet. I want you to call me with a gratitude list tomorrow and a list of things you are powerless over. She got a little ticked off. One of the questions in her homework was, "Are you willing to go to any lengths to stay sober?" to which a respounding YES is always the answer. So I told her willing to go to any lengths means being willing to follow suggestions and write out a gratitude list. She was puzzled. After the meeting she took off immediately and I have not heard from her since. Shame on me for not making her pass the "litmus test" that I usually have girls do before I commit to sponsoring them, which is call me every day. If they are willing to do that, then maybe they are willing to do a little more. I know this sounds so mean and bitchy, but really? Don't waste my time! After talking to this woman for two hours I found out the main reason she wants to get sober is because she is afraid of going to hell! I said really? You mean you havent been there yet? I know, harsh.

Sometimes when I write here it feels like everything comes out all wrong and later I will think, but what I really meant was......So, I hope this post does not sound like I do not have any love or compassion for this person because I do. It is all about the lesson I had to learn again. I cannot be more willing than they are, I cannot want it for you more than you do. My willingness to help has very little to do with your sobriety. Sponsors do not keep us sober, God does. However having a sponsor does seem to get people off our back! After the meeting that day I was told by a woman who was eavesdropping on a conversation that I was having with a friend, that since I do not have a sponsor, I have no business sponsoring anyone, especially with less than a year sober! Really? I let it go, but told her I have worked step one, so what is the harm? LOL!

Anyway, when these things happen I have to remember it is not about me. If she decides to call I will be here for her, but it will be some time before I ever go out of my way for her again. Like my friend "S" says-"I have a 100% success rate with sponsoring- I am still sober."

Sunday

2012-01-22T18:03:00.000-05:00

We got quite a bit of snow this weekend and today it was so beautiful with the sun shining and blue skies! I desperately needed a break from studying and when I looked at the clock, there was forty-five minutes of open swim left at the "Y"....scratch that!

So, today I decided to give cross country skiing a try in my back yard. A friend recently moved to Alabama and gave us their skis. As I looked down the tiny hill that lies between my yard and park property, I stopped and thought about the very first and last time I cross country skied. It was 1982 I believe and I was hung over and buzzed. I was with my best friend and it was so much fun. We laughed our butts off as we fell over and over on the ice on the trail from the lodge to the main trail. Today was a little different. I was sober and smoke free. Of course I fell a couple of times and as I sit and type this, I can feel that I did actually do something physical today. It may sound weird, but I am really proud of myself because this morning I said I wanted to do it and then I actually did it. I was out there less than an hour, but I was out there, and I worked up a heck of a sweat, and after a few practice laps I was gliding along pretty good. Oh, yeah, I had fun too!

Back To School

2012-01-17T10:30:00.001-05:00

Today I head back to the grind and even though I wish I had, "one more week", I am looking forward to the routine. I am very happy with my schedule, too. I have class for a couple hours this afternoon, then a half hour break, then work until 8 pm. I love my job and I love that I can get so much studying done while I am there. Such is not the case at home and I am not even going to go into that.....Lucky you!

It is blah and rainy here, but not very cold. Everyone is waiting for the big winter slam and it has yet to arrive. I got so much done over break, it really feels good. All closets and clothes drawers cleaned out. Bags and bags of clothes, curtains, etc. sent to the Salvation Army. Every corner of the basement has been hoed out and my husband is building floor to ceiling cabinets for everything. It looks amazing. I cleaned my sewing room inside out. Well, it is no longer a sewing room, it is back to being a study room. Now I am off to the gym. I will go swim some laps and hopefully the whirlpool is open and I can warm up my cold bones I acquired yesterday while finishing cleaning the basement.

I am sponsoring a lady, she is working on her first step. I told her I don't have a sponsor right now but I have worked the steps and I would be happy to help her in any way. She is such a blessing to me.

I better get going now, I have to stop at the post office on my way to swimming to send a special package out to a special person and that is all I am going to say about that! Have a great week everyone!

P.S.-Pammie, I am still having issues with your blog, now I can read it OK, but I am unable to comment. I have firefox too, so I don't know what the issue is. Hope it straightens itself out :)

Seven Things

2012-01-11T13:04:00.002-05:00

Pam at Sobriety Is Exhausting tagged me with the "Versatile Blogger" Award. Thanks Pam! SO I am finally getting around to it! I would like to tag Dry Bottom Girl at No More Merlot, I love her writing and her enthusiasm for the program. So anyway here goes seven things you may not know about me.

1. Although I am finally pursuing a career in something I have always wanted to do, it is second to what I have always really wanted to do, which was to be a stay at home mom and wife, cooking, baking and sewing and being super mom.

2. I have no children and found out in my early thirties I would never conceive without invitro fertilization. After much research, debate, and looking at the financial aspects of it, we decided against it. One of the major determinants for me at that time (besides the money) was the process they call "selection" which to me is a pretty name for abortion. I am not anti abortion, but it was something that I personally did not feel comfortable with. I also did not want to have seven babies at once. My husband will not even discuss adoption.

3. On October 24th, 2005, at the age of 43, I got sober by the Grace of God and the program of alcoholics anonymous.

4. There are a lot of things I sometimes wish I could write about on my blog, but I don't because of my motives behind it.

5. I will be fifty years old on April 13th. Most people guess my age at 38. Genetics is all I can say.

6. I very rarely wear make up and if I do it is usually mascara and lipstick with tinted primer.

7. In the last three years I have been through more emotional stuff than I care to even think about. As I type, I am not on speaking terms with anyone in my family. For a while I felt like somewhat of an orphan, that was a good thing for me, to finally acknowledge it, and move on. It is true, what they say, "What does not kill ya, makes ya stronger." I feel stronger and closer to God than I have ever felt in my entire life. All my hardships have become blessings that have made me the woman I am today.

Happy, Joyous, Free

2012-01-06T10:14:00.000-05:00

Good morning. I have been neglecting my blog! Still enjoying my time off, spending most of it studying and squeezing in some sewing here and there.

I went to the women's step meeting yesterday and it was really great, the entire month will be about step one. I was supposed to take my sponsor, but she said she would be coming with another girl, and all three of us will do lunch afterward. She never showed up. Hmmm. She has cancelled several commitments with me, but this is the first time she just did not show up without a word. Oh, well. After the meeting a girl asked me if I sponsored. She is back after a short relapse after having two years sober. She said she remembers me from when I used to work at the intergroup office a couple years ago. She came in one day and I guess we talked for two hours. Funny, I have absolutely no recollection of it. I really hope she calls to talk. If not, I got her number and will be giving her a call.

I sent my boss at the college an email with a copy of my schedule for the semester, and respectfully requested certain days and hours to work and have off, but told her I am flexible. I got an email back from her and she told me I have been a blessing to the department. I almost cried! Oh yeah, got all the days I wanted to work and have off. Life is so good!

Life really is good too! I have so much to be grateful for. Even with the few troubles I have been having physically, just some aches and pains and tummy troubles that are making me change my lifestyle and eating habits.

On that note, I will close for now so I can get some more studying done, and possibly go for a swim at the Y today. My neck and back are killing me and I think it will do me some good. I will swim some laps and then I will reward myself with a soak in the whirlpool. Going to nursing school has taught me so much about myself and given me so much confidence and has taught me self discipline and dedication. The best part is when all of that hard work pays off in not only knowledge and grades, but confidence in myself that if I work hard and stay focused, I can accomplish great things. I am hoping I can channel some of that into taking better care of myself. Not drinking and not smoking are a big start, there is more work to be done and I think now is the time I have to start doing it. In three months (God willing) I will be 50 years old. I cannot believe it! One month after my birthday (God willing) I will graduate from college. None of this would have been possible without the program of AA which saved my life and showed me a new way to live that I never knew existed. By the Grace of God, I am free!
Bye for now,
thanks for listening.
Patty

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T17:56:00.001-05:00

So grateful for a new year. Mainly because now I can say, "God willing, I graduate from college this year!" I have already hit the books with two weeks of vacation left. I am so glad I did, we are getting into some pretty complicated stuff. I have been working on the "review this chapter first before you start the new stuff," since yesterday. Grateful for my classmate who sort of light a fire under my butt! Oh yeah! I am going to be in ICU clinical with my two best friends in school! Did I mention I got my first hospital choice again? Yep that's right!
As far as Christmas goes, I had some nice surprises this year. We ended up staying home all day in our jammies and it really felt great! My husband got me a "Kindle Fire" and I love it! I was really surprised and thought, "what am I going to do with this thing?" I have been been playing scrabble (words with friends, actually), downloading apps for school, ordering books from Amazon, watching movies and reading blogs in bed. I love it!

Last week I went to the womens meeting with my sponsor, and lunch afterward and it was really nice. I am really beginning to love this woman. She invited my husband and I to her house for a new years party last night, but we are always home bodies on New Years. Even in my drinking days I always referred to it as Rookie Night, ha, ha! I also had fun going to the movies with my little friends "A" and "Z" the other night. We saw "We Bought a Zoo." I really enjoyed it, and so did the girls, 11 &13 years old.

On the family front, I did not hear one word from anyone. Not even my Dad. I sent him a card saying I would love to hear from him, but he never called. So, I was a little sad about all that, but in a way, also relieved. But in the big scheme of things, not really that sad. Acceptance is sinking in. I had enough drama in the last two months to last me a lifetime. I also have so much to be grateful for in my life today. God carried me through all of that drama and kept me sober. One person from AA called me the other day to wish me a Merry Christmas. I was so touched! She did not say, "where have you been? Are you OK?" She just said, I miss you and I wanted to talk to you. I almost cried.

This morning to start the new year, I got dressed (major accomplishment these days) went outside and took down all of the Christmas lights. Came inside and took down the tree, threw away all the cards and hauled everything down to the basement. While I did this my husband swept and mopped the entire house. Pretty cool!

Time to switch gears and hit the sewing projects! Home made flannel PJ's!
See you soon!
Patty

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T09:49:00.000-05:00

Good morning! It has been a wonderful week full of rest and relaxation!

I was able to spend a few hours with my sponsor the other day and that was really nice too. She felt really bad for missing my calls and told me if anything like what happened a few weeks ago ever happens again and she does not answer her phone, I am to come straight to her house, no matter what, day or night. You have no idea how much it means to me to have someone tell me that. She also told me that, in case I did not know, she is my biggest cheerleader, and she is not there to scold me, or brow beat me, or judge me, but to love and support me. To top it all off, she gave a beautiful floral arrangement that she made with greenery, silk flowers and a candle. She makes them for all of her friends and sponsee's every Christmas, and it really felt nice to know that I was thought of.

Yesterday my husbands sister stopped over for a visit and it was really nice. I don't know if I ever wrote about it before, but his family (parents) have never done Christmas. She recently moved very close to us where as before she was about half an hour away. The nieces will be home from college tomorrow and I asked her if we could stop over and see her new house and visit. She said she would love to have us. Holy crap, I may be spending some time with family this Christmas!!!!

Today I will go out and finish my Christmas shopping! I know! My Santa pics are supposed to be in sometime today, so I will be heading in that general direction. I just asked the husband how he feels about giving the nieces gift cards when we go over tomorrow, he said no! Just give them cash, Yay! What was I thinking? What does every college student want/need?
SO I guess I will go for now. I wish all of the most blessed holiday possible!
Patty

Winter Solstice

2011-12-21T23:52:00.001-05:00

Today was officially one week off school. I have stopped the heavy sighing, but the naps whenever I feel like it have not gotten old yet! It has been raining like crazy, but still no snow! it was actually in the 50's all day today!

I am a little disappointed tonight. Remember I wrote about loading all the critters up and getting our picture taken with Santa? It seems Santa is somewhat of a Grinch, because I still do not have pictures, and no one at the store knows where he is. None of the other customers have received their pictures, a return phone call or anything and some of these people got theirs taken a week before I did. Of course I paid cash in advance. I was supposed to be able to pick them up at the store yesterday at the very latest. As of five pm this evening, I was told by the store clerk they have been mailed! Oh boy! Tomorrow I will do a plan B which is set up my tripod, set the timer and hope for the best with us all in front of the Christmas tree.

I found out this morning that one of my classmates did not pass the semester. I am so sad for her! There but for the Grace of God go I. This is so hard! I told her that too. She said "I suppose everyone will be making snide remarks and judging me." Heh, heh. They better not do it in front of me sister, or they will be getting an earful. AA taught me, " we do not shoot our wounded." I will apply this principle in nursing school as well. I have seen women come back in the program after having to wait a year to retake a class. I always tell them, you should not hang your head, you had the guts to finish what you started, not everyone could do it. I have seen women in my class that have had to go through stuff you never want to imagine going through in your life, like, husbands cheating, unplanned pregnancies, house fires, deaths, and still made it through. We nurses are tough!

On a different note....I heard from my sponsor. She is doing pretty good, but still cannot drive. When I was going through my recent rough time, she was preparing to go back and have surgery for an injury that she sustained last summer. She had many complications from the original surgery. Anyway, I am sure that is why my texts and voicemails were overlooked or lost. She has many friends and I am sure she was being bombarded with prayers and well wishes. Besides, I think everything happened the way it was supposed to for me. My old sponsor told me, sometimes there is a reason when no one answers the phone...it means you need to get on your knees. She was right ,and that is what I did. I found that no human power could keep me sane or sober, but God sure could!
Tomorrow morning I am picking her up and we are going to the women's meeting together. Then we will go to lunch. I am looking forward to seeing her and spending time with her.
And now I must go to bed.
Good Night!
Patty

Big Sigh of Relief

2011-12-16T08:57:00.000-05:00

Good morning! Thanks so much for all the sweet comments on my last post. It really means so much. It always feels so good to just get it out all out of my head! You are not going to believe this but by that very evening, the entire hubby situation had turned around. In fact he surprised me with an early Christmas present, a beautiful sheep skin for my office chair, which came in very handy while I was studying for finals.

Speaking of finals........I passed mine with the highest grade I have ever gotten on a final since I have been in nursing school. I also completely knocked the practice NCLEX (HESI) tests right out of the ball park and scored well above the margin set in order to get two points added to my final test grade. I am over the moon! If it sounds like I am bragging, well I guess I am. I have never worked so hard at anything ever in my whole life, and there were definitely a couple of times this semester that I was genuinely concerned about even passing. NOW, having said that: None of this would have been possible without my Higher Power. More than once even in the last month or so I have felt like totally throwing the towel on everything, but Higher Power and the principles of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, kept me sober and on task. Reading your blogs, staying in this day as Pam always says. Telling myself, "You can smoke, drink and quit nursing school tomorrow, but for right now, just stay in today and see what God has in store for you, it could be the best of your life yet, you don't know" I learned that here, in blog land.

Yesterday I went to one of my favorite women's meetings during the day that I have not been able to attend since August because of school. It was their annual Christmas party! I felt bad that I did not bring anything, they said we are so glad to see you! During the regular meeting the chairwoman, one of the original founders of this 30 plus year old meeting spoke on step 12. I heard so much I needed to hear! My favorite part was when she talked about sobriety vs. sodriety. And also about how we are powerless over alcohol and there is a drink waiting for me on a table over in China. That may seem far away, but if I don't work the steps and follow the program everyday, I will be taking a step closer to that drink, and before I know it, I will be getting on a boat to China. This really resonated with me, because I think as far me working the steps goes, I have been on a deck on the west coast waiting for a boat to China. I have not been "stepping" away from that drink, I have been "stepping" towards it. Perhaps some of you who come here are not as surprised by my revelation as I am, ha, ha. Thanks for loving me anyway until I was able to hear what I needed to hear.

It feels so wonderful to relax and decompress. I had no idea just how wound up I was. I keep taking these huge deep cleansing breaths and it feels wonderful! Last night I gave the doggie a bath, much to her dismay. She is getting old and does not like to go up or down stairs anymore and I had quite a time getting her into the tub, I think that had a little to do with her eyesight too. Later this afternoon my girlfriend's nine year old daughter who we refer to as the "animal whisperer", is going to help me take the big dog and two cats to the pet store to get our picture taken with santa. Hubby's Christmas present. It should be interesting! But this nine year old little girl knows how to handle this 100+ pound dog! She is a doll!

Now I must sign off as I have errands to run today,and I actually got an embroidery job to do just in time for Chistmas. I will be on break until January 16th. I already got my reading assignments for the first week of school, but they will have to wait until after the first of the year. I in no way want to loose my momentum but a break is in order. Meanwhile I plan on spending lots of time sewing and reading. I have, "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson, (hope I can finish it before the movie comes out on the 22nd), and another titled "Little Bee" by Chris Cleave. I will be stopping by here as well, but for now I am off. Thanks for listening and being here blogger friends.
Patty

Blah, blah, blah........

2011-12-11T11:56:00.001-05:00

To blog, or not to blog? I read the blogs of others and everyone is so optimistic and positive most of the time. Or , at least seem to be living in the solution rather than the problem. I really feel lost. Half the time I feel as if I am down in a well, all alone. Pam wrote about feeling like an orphan, guess I have felt that way almost my entire life. And now after recent events it really feels that way. I hate this. To top it all off, my husband is in some kind of funk as well. Maybe he is feeling like an orphan too. I know he hates his job and wants to get layed off. You heard me right, wants to be let go until spring. That really pisses me off especially when I think of how many winters I worked outside, in the cold over 40 hours a week AND attended college part time. So many nights I came home crying, wishing I could just quit. But I didn't!!! It's weird, Friday night he was jubilant and happy when I got home, drinking and partying in the garage with his friend. As funky as my crazy ass self has been lately, I had no desire to join them. I came inside and happily studied for my final. God's grace is amazing.

So I have no idea what the deal is today. But I hate it. There is no eye contact, no initiation of conversation. If I ask a question I get a one syllable answer or "I don't care." I do know one thing. I did nothing wrong. The kitties are on the shit list for getting on the counter last night and investigating some shrimp that was thawing up there, (while he was passed out in the chair). That is the most I have heard from him. "Kick them all out!!!" Ah, no mister, no kitties are getting kicked out of this house. Secret: Later while cleaning the kitchen, I found a raw shrimp wrapped up in my kitchen throw rug. I had a little chuckle over that!

I also have been having more and more fear of the horrific. Now it seems more and more people are coming forward and accusing these men of sexual abuse. I know they (my family) watch the news and see this. I am afraid they will try to harm me in some way so I am not able to talk to the media. My counselor told me it is totally natural for me to feel this way and it will fade, and it does, until someone comes out on the news. I have no intention of doing that, and as far as the law is concerned, all of my abusers are safe since the statute of limitations has long since passed. Some days it is really intense in a weird angel/devil sort of way. OMG that sounds so freakin nuts! But there I said it out loud. I have had some really weird experiences lately where people who have no idea of anything about me come up to me and say the most off the wall yet appropriate stuff most positive, some really negative, or at least that is how I take it (of course). Anyway, I guess now I really do sound crazy. I know that all of this shall pass. I been through times like this before and when I feel all alone in the world with no human to comfort me, it always brings me closer to my God. I will continue to search for the blessing in all of this. I have been praying, and by the grace of God I am still sober, alive and kicking. Thank you for listening.

Patty

Tuesday Morning

2011-12-06T07:50:00.000-05:00

Enjoying some Christmas music this morning while I have my coffee and blog. Last night I "accidentally" went to bed at 6:30. I guess I must have needed the rest! School is winding down and I am so grateful for the piece of mind I have been graced with.

I am also grateful for all of your blogs I have been reading lately, reminding me of the reason for the season. Although I have not found it neccesary to pick up a drink during the holidays for the last few years or so. I have however, managed to go out and abuse my credit card only to regret it later. So, my goal this holiday season is to refrain from any sort of bingeing.

Now it is time for me to get on with the rest of this day God has graced me with.

Good Stuff

2011-11-30T20:23:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I spent a very nice morning/afternoon shopping with my husband in Amish country. We went here, here ,and here.

Itr really felt good to relax and have some fun. No, school is not over yet. Monday was our last unit test. This week is our last week of clinicals. Final is Dec.12th, practice NCLEX is Dec. 14th, then home free for a month off.

Today they gave us our test grades from Monday's test. We usually have to wait a week. I passed with flying colors!!!!!!! 87%! My best grade all semester. It may not sound that earth shattering to some of you, but I had to work my butt off for that 87 and I am so, so grateful! Now I can go into the final with a cushion. I am so relieved. I have been decompressing all evening. I had to post this news because I know you have been praying for me out there. Now I must get back to my studies.
Good Night!
Patty

Saturday Morning

2011-11-26T10:53:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post for a change. Thanksgiving was nice. Very small, but nice. I am not ashamed to say I have been in my pajamas for two days now, studying, and grazing on Thanksgiving leftovers. I will be taking a shower and getting dressed here in the next little bit. We are going shopping.

I think my husband has a bit of a family hangover. I know he loves the family that was here, but sometimes their prescence amplifies the abscence of his youngest brother and his father, both of whom have passed. He was very close to both of them. He seems better today, but the last 24 hours have been difficult. It has taken me many years to just let him go through what he has to go through and not constantly ask, "What's wrong?", "Are you mad at me?" It is not about me. The 12 steps taught me that.

I reached out to someone in AA yesterday and today she returned my call. We ae going to have a chat later, she was on her way to a meeting, but wanted to return my call, so very nice. I am so blessed to have so many people in my life that love me and care about me. Some of them even "get" me! Bonus!

Now I must get back to my studies. Test on Monday will be one more down and three to go in the next two weeks...then break.

Thanks so much to all of you who have been praying for me. I can really feel it. Acceptance is returning to my heart and along with it, peace and love. I have been praying also.

I linked on one my followers blogs this morning. If you ever want a nice positive place to stop and visit, stop by here. It is a nice place to visit and take in the sights and sounds.
Have a great rest of your weekend everybody and thanks for stopping by.
Patty

A New Beginning

2011-11-23T09:44:00.002-05:00

The great thing about being alive and sober. I can start my day, life, week, year, over any time. I guess the sober part plays in because when I was drunk, I was not aware of any other options except to drink and wallow in my self pity. A viscious cycle Ihave been stuck in for a while now, minus the alcohol. But the insane thinking was there.

Then the dream last night. I was in a restaurant with my entire family. I drank and drank and drank. Guess what? Nothing changed! No one changed. Except me.....I became more insane.

I am very grateful:

God's Grace

I did not drink

My husband who has loved and supported me unconditionally through this.

Friends that listened and loved me while I wallowed.

To be able to cook dinner for ~~my husbands~~ our family tomorrow.

Kind and loving "kick in the butt" from a blogger friend, just what I needed.

.......and hopeful this is the tip of the iceberg of a lot of stuff I have been going through in the last few months, I feel different about a lot of things this morning, like I have come full circle.

I am ready to move on.

The Aftermath

2011-11-22T12:02:00.000-05:00

Why am I surprised that there is one? I feel so damn screwed up. Last night I talked to my oldest brother. He told me that I really should have checked my motives before I threw a hand grenade into the middle of the family like that, and before the holidays and all too. I almost fell over. I told him my only motive was to protect a child and do what I think is right. He said I am not going to have this discussion with you, but I will tell you that "T" was so upset he was physically sick and missed work.

I tried to contact them and see if they were OK.
I was told, yes we are OK, a lot of positive things have come from this, but we are ready to move forward.
I said I would love to know what the positive things are?
We do not want to discuss it.
OK, I will leave alone.
Thank you.

I am the bad guy. No one is on my side. I am the crazy liar.

I am so pissed and sad. I would be lying if I said I have not thought about drinking. I have put out a couple of calls to AA's, but have not heard back from anyone yet. The tears really do help.

I took my skills test today and passed most of it. I have to go in on Monday and say: " A person with A+ blood can recieve A- blood because that is one I forgot. I would have swore I said it, God knows she tried to drag it out of me. I guess omitting it is not as bad as saying the wrong one, my error would not neccesarily kill anyone, well unless they were bleeding to death and had A+ blood, because I would not have given it to them. Tell ya one thing, I will never forget it now!

Little by little I am letting this go. It hurts more than I ever imagined it would.

Monday Morning

2011-11-21T10:55:00.005-05:00

I have sat here several times in the past two weeks not knowing where to start. It all sounds like a negative ranting bitch session. I am almost finished with the semester. I am still gratefully sober. I am still gratefully passing. Sponsor? I don't think so. I never thought a woman in her early 60's would practically insist on staying in contact by text message. I am not into it. Texts get lost in the shuffle. Seems that all of my texts and voice mails got lost in the shuffle this week.
I left message:
Please call me back I really need to talk.
I get a text: Where have you been? I miss you? Love you!
(I think "Love you" is her signature-irritating)
I return a text: I am going through a bit of hell this week, please call me back!
No response for the rest of the week....until yesterday, she answered her phone and then I was not able to get a word in edgewise. I mean not one word! LOL! I exaggerate, I did say Hi and Bye!

OK, not feeling sorry for myself over this, Chalk up another one! It's all good, she has way too much on her plate. I just really could have used a sympathetic ear this week, and I found one. I went to talk to my counselor. So it cost me a hundred bucks, because I no longer have insurance, thank God I have a little job and just got paid. She told me what I needed to hear to and she listened while I cried. She validated me, and told me what I was feeling was totally natural and would not last long, she was right! Having written this, it is embarrassingly pathetic.

The bit of hell I am referring to is some family stuff that has reared it's ugly head again. This whole Penn State thing has really about made me sick on daily basis. It is hard to stay away from it. Anyway, if you have ever read my story, at the very end I make a promise to my Mom that if there are ever any grandchildren I will tell the parents. Well, there has been a grandchild for several months, and the Penn State thing triggered some nightmares for me involving this innocent child and it's grandfather. I guess the e-mails from my mom had something to do with it also, with her saying things like, " We are so excited about babysitting 'B' this week!" She really has no clue how the very small two letter word "we" literally about made me throw up. So, I called the child's mother, and I told her. Amazingly, she was not as surprised as I thought she would be. She has been abused as well, and said, I always had this weird feeling around him. I told her, her instincts were 100% correct. I was very careful in choosing my words. This was in no way any sort of vendetta. We talked for about an hour, and then an hour later, my brother called,. He is actually my half brother, my abuser, (stepfather) is his father. We talked, he had to hear it directly from me and I told him, yes, it happened, yes, it is true.

The next day I thought I was totally OK and felt pretty good about things, relieved, walked through the fear....again, did the right thing, I think? I went to school for open lab to practice for an upcoming skills test. I looked in the door and it was very crowded in there. My little voice said, "Don't go in there." I did not listen. Long story short, I had three people come up to me and start asking questions right off the bat. I kept backing up, and backing up and they kept coming in. One had a book in my face, the other had papers in my face. Everyone meant well. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I said look out! I gotta get out of here! I ran to the bathroom and started crying hysterically. I was overwhelmed with fear. I just knew He was coming to kill me, I just knew it. As soon as this thought materialized in my brain I really got scared. I am totally losing it! Oh, my God. I stayed in there for a very long time unable to compose myself. I would calm down a little and then it would start all over again. It actually felt very good to cry and cry and cry. I finally got a little composure and was able to come out. I found a table a ways down the hall from lab and said, OK, I can get my shit together and go back in there in just a bit. I sat there looking at my book and the tears just ran like a river. I took out my phone and left my sponsor message. Then I called my counselors office and left them a message. I did not want to call my husband, he was at work operating heavy equipment. The counselors office called back within two minutes and had a cancellation the next day, very rare, yes I will be there tomorrow at one.
A little bit later my friend Brooke came over. I asked her to sit with me. She knows my story, the whole thing. I love this girl, she is such a good friend, but also almost like a daughter to me. I told her about what was going on. She sat and listened. I still could not stop crying and she sat and listened. I told her how scared I was. It really helped.

Later that afternoon, I sent a text to my brother. I wondered if they were having the same kind of day I was. "Thinking of you today, hope all is well."
Later at work I got a text back from my brother. "Talked to Mom, Dad denies everything. Mom said, 'Oh, she is starting that crap again!' and hung up on me. We don't know what to do or what to think." Yes, he actually used quotes in his text, and I am so glad he did, because now I can officially be done. I have been grieving the loss of my mother as I wish she was for a few years now, so its not that traumatic, but that quoted statement sealed the deal for me. I. Am. Done.
I sent my brother a text back: " No matter what you think or decide to do, or not do, there is absolutely no judgement from me. I love you guys unconditionally, and only wish for whatever is best for you and your family."
I got a text back later: "We love you too."
For anyone reading this that may have to go through this themselves someday, I have to tell you that I never once apologized. I know I have not done anything wrong. I feel sad that I had to tell my brother this about his father, but, I would rather he know now, instead of after the fact. That was my part of the street I had to take care of. I am not the keeper of anyone's secrets anymore.
BIG SIGH!
So, here is the good news!

I kept my appointment with my counselor, and I am so glad I did. It helped me tremendously.
I did not want to go to school that day-but I did.
I did not want to go to work that day-but I did.
I did not drink. Thank God!
I did not smoke.

Icing on the cake!
I was not planning on it, but as it turns out, I will be very gratefully and happily cooking Thanksgiving Dinner for my husbands family this year. There will be six or seven us and I am looking forward to being surrounded by family that loves me.
Thanks for listening and have a great Thanksgiving everyone!

November 1st

2011-11-01T10:59:00.001-04:00

I am inspired by Mary this morning who reminded me that it is a new day and a new month. I know I can start over any time I want to, but for some reason looking at the calendar with a number one representing today, makes it a little more special. By the way, thanks to all of you for the anniversary well wishes too, it really means so much.

I really thought I had done well on the last test I took, and yesterday I almost fell over when I got it back and my grade was a "D". I really could have just balled my head off. It really did not help that my friend was almost crying too because she had gotten an "A". But, that's not her fault. I really wanted to blame everyone else for my poor grade, but the truth is, it all happened the way it was supposed to. I am not a dummy, I know the material. This grade does not reflect my actual knowledge as a nurse. You see on these tests, there are always two good answers, however only one of them is the best answer. There were a couple that I just plain guessed at, one math question that I cannot believe I got wrong that was a matter of hurrying, and many that were good answers, just not the best answer. The good news is that my average for the semester is still safe, I am passing with a cushion. I learned a lot from these mistakes, and hopefully that will pay off on the final. Something else I learned from all of this is that I have learned over the past six years that AA is a We program, and I learned today that nursing school is not. Nursing school is a Me program and although I need to "practice these principals in all my affairs", I need to start acting accordingly. I need to stay in Patty camp not worry so much about my friends and what I think they should know. My phone was just ringing a little bit ago, a classmate. I have been telling myself for months, do not answer that phone unless you have an hour to kill, and every time I say, oh, I'll get off before then, and sure enough, I allow myself to kept on the phone listening to her problems for more than and hour, instead of studying. So today I let it ring and continued to do what I needed to do for me.

I have been watching Oprah's Life Class. I know cornball!! It really is good positive stuff. The other night she said something that really resonated with me. "When people show you who they are, believe them", and moreover, don't get upset when they fulfill that prophecy!
So, onward and upward for me today. I need to focus on the next test and stay in "Patty Camp" and do the best I can. SO long for now! Thank you for listening
Patty

photo credit, me, (2011 balloon launch HOF weekend)

Sunday Morning Gratitude

2011-10-30T11:22:00.000-04:00

Chilly, sunny, Sunday morning. I woke up to the smell of coffee brewing and bacon frying. I got on my knees and prayed for the willingness to be willing. Thy will be done, not mine.

Today I am grateful:

To wake up sober, and not hung over, for the 2197th consecutive day, one day at a time.

A warm house, soft bed, food cooking, snuggly kitty and clean flannel sheets..
My family, hubby, doggy, kitties.

Friends happy to see me last night

That I was wrong when I said I no longer have a support group

That feeling of uselessness and self pity slipping away

My new sponsor that I got hear speak last night

My nursing school friends

A fun day of shopping with my hubby today after breakfast

Blogger friends that always meet me right where I am, unconditionally

The privledge of being able to attend two AA meetings tonight, to thank the members there for being such an instrumental part in my sobriety.

TGIF

2011-10-28T16:29:00.001-04:00

Really glad it is Friday. I have been cleaning since I got home from school. Well, except, I guess I am not cleaning now.

It has been an up and down week. Ireally am grateful to be sober today. Monday, the 24th was my six year anniversary. It has been one of the most low key anniversaries ever. There is no cake, no celebration, no dinner out. That is my own fault for not having a support group anymore. I found the picture of this beautiful cake on google. I think it is very pretty. I was taught that AA owes me nothing, I owe AA my life. The two meetings I have attended this week, I have anonymously taken cookies or cupcakes to thank the meeting for keeping the doors open so I could stay sober. I did get a six year coin at one of the meetings. I am once again "working" with a new sponsor. I say "working" because I really have not done anything yet. I guess I am on step one. In fact I do not know what I am doing period. I can't seem to shake this blah feeling I have towards my recovery and AA. I know that I need AA to stay sober. I just cant seem to figure out where I fit in anymore.

School has been going great. My grades are really good, I attribute that to having so much time to study at my work/study job at school. Last week I got my first pay check and it really felt good. Clinical is good too, I am feeling more confident every day that I am right where I am supposed to be as far as nursing is concerned. It is my passion and I love it. Physically I feel great too. The side effects from the flu shot have not been present for a week now, and I actually have some energy. Guess I will get back to that housework now. Have a great weekend everyone.

Saturday Night Gratitude

2011-10-15T23:57:00.000-04:00

Tonight I am grateful and thankful:

To be sober another day

That I am feeling a little better physically today even though my shot arm still hurts a little

Long nap on the couch yesterday and pizza for supper

I got a lot of studying done at work today.

At the last minute I went to a meeting tonight and got to see a girl with 24 hours introduce herself, and a man I admire thank the meeting, and the program with tears in his eyes, as he recieved a 55 year coin.

Friday Night Bullets

2011-10-14T22:19:00.002-04:00

Friday night and I am so tired. Have not been to a meeting all week, have not talked to any alcoholics. I don't know who I would call. I have not called my sponsor since last Friday. I have come to the conclusion that she is just way too busy for me. I knew that when I asked her so it's not like it's a big revelation.

I have been cranky and miserable all week. I keep blaming it on my flu shot that I got Tuesday, LOL. I have never had a shot hurt like this one does, and if one more person comes up and smacks me in the arm I will throw them down a flight of stairs....just sayin'.

I asked my husband if I seem cranky this week and after a brief hesitation he said, "No more than you usually are." To which I replied, "What the fuck does that mean?" Every time I read this I crack up laughing.

My patient this week was a 46 year old woman who will die a slow, painful death as a direct result of what the disease of alcoholism has done to her vital organs. She is my third medically diagnosed alcoholic in the last 6 months. No one else in my nursing class of over 48 students has has a chronic, dying, alcoholic for a patient, I have had three. God shows us what we need to see.

I am very grateful to be healthy, alive and sober today.

Tuesday Morning Gratitude

2011-10-11T09:23:00.002-04:00

Today I am grateful and thankful:

To be sober

health

food and shelter, a warm home

even though i feel so lost, i know God is there

a husband who loves me

to go to school

to go to work

to love my critters

my blog friends

to know that this too shall pass, even though I dont know what this is, or how to get it to pass

to be grateful

Sunday Morning

2011-10-09T11:12:00.000-04:00

Thank God for a new day sober!
Where to begin? With the drama of course. OK, so it was not that bad, I want to say, but maybe I can find some closure/solution whatever by writing about it here. Let me also say that at this moment in time several people think that I am drunk off my ass. Let me also say that I have no desire to drink, and I am very grateful for that.

So I made the commitment to make coffee for the old home group and went to a meeting Monday, to go to a meeting, and also to get the key to the church, long story, not going to go into why no one had a key last Friday. So as it is October, I have decided already that I am going to listen, and listen only. OK, I will cut to the chase right now, the meeting ended up being about one woman and her problems as she and another woman pretty much had a one on one conversation back and forth across the table. I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT! But later in the week, I did say something to one of the home group members and told her that I felt that the chairperson had lost all control of that meeting and maybe someone should say something to her about it. I was told...Ah, Patty, patience and tolerance, patience, love and tolerance. OK, none of my business? That's how they want to run their meeting? Let it go.
Fast forward to Friday, still no key to the church, no call from anyone, really not sure who has the key? I fall asleep on my deck when I get home from school. At 5:15 I am awakened by my phone ringing, but cannot seem to get my senses about me in time to answer it. The message left is from the woman with the key telling me she will meet at the church at 6pm, and yes, I am thinking, I really do not want to go to that meeting tonight. I am tired, hungry and just plain not in the mood. I call back and explain to the woman's voice mail that I would really appreciate if she could get the coffee started, blah, blah, blah. In hindsight I realize that I should have just thrown in the towel right then and there and saved everyone a whole lot of me being miserable.

I get there at six thirty, I had a little snack before I left, but I will be making a late dinner, no biggie. So of course, I have issues with the meeting! Why change the theme of the entire week? Mainly with a girl who came with two new girls bragging about her six year anniversary coming up. Then she sits there and side talks with the new girl throughout the entire meeting. Finally I looked at her and whispered, really? Really D? I cannot believe you are being so rude! Shut it! She was shocked to say the least, I know, patience and tolerance. Here's some real icing on the cake for me. When a girl cross talked to another girl in her comment and told her that the solution to everything is sitting right across the table from her. Let me tell you there was not a picture of the Lord across the table, it was her sponsor, (my former sponsor) and she (former sponsor) sat there with this creepy, weird smile on her face shaking her head up and down! I felt like bolting out of the room right then and there. But instead my eyes went over to the new girl at her first meeting. She looked a little puzzled. OK now we are having a home group meeting, oh no, it's not over yet! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then debate on who should go to intergroup to by books etc. and it turns into a Chip and Dale type argument. You remember Chip and Dale? Oh, no I certainly do not want to step on your toes if you want to do it, but I think it is really my job, etc. back and forth, back and forth. The meeting ended at 8:10 (because the people that passed in the beginning and had nothing to say, now decided that they had to comment on everyone else's comment, and the chairwoman allowed the meeting to run late). It is now 840 and not one thing has been accomplished in this home group meeting. Finally I say, just make a decision on who will go and lets move it along, please? What's the [problem Patty? Well, I am hungry and would like to move things along, it is almost 845. She says, well you can leave if you want. She was right! Why didn't I think of that? So I got up and left. When I got to the parking lot, I took my keys out of my purse and there was the key to the church hanging off my ring. Dread washed over me! I turned around, walked back into the church and set the keys on the table next to the secretary, turned around without a word and walked out. I could hear her yelling after me, hey, you cant do that! Patty get back here. I kept walking. I know, nice example, real mature. No tears, no nothing. I got in my truck and shut the door. Huge sigh of relief. Good bye Friday night. I came home and felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from me. I called my sponsor, and left her a message and gave her a brief run down of what happened. We have been communicating, and will have a talk soon.

Let me close by saying that, I KNOW:
I am totally screwed up and wrong in how I acted all week.

All I have done is look at everyone else and not Patty.

I have not a shred of patience OR tolerance for any of these people I mentioned.

Having done a second step several months ago on this meeting, and the people in it, I should know better than to think that they have changed, just because I have.

Part of the change in me is that I spend two days week in a setting where I see people who are really suffering. That can't walk, are in severe physical pain, that are literally dying. If all they had to do to be whole again was to not pick up a drink, how grateful do think they would be? Yet, they are still grateful!

Other than this stuff, I had a great week!

When I got up this morning, I dropped to my knees. Why has that been so hard for me to do lately? I will be quiet and wait for the answers. I honest to God do not think I have all the answers. I will get on my knees no matter what. It has worked before, no reason why it should not work now.

I will go meetings where I KNOW there is good recovery. I will start that tonight and return to a meeting I have not been to in a while. I will go to a Big Book meeting tomorrow where I know there is good recovery. I will listen. I will refrain from judgement! Please God, help me to get out of this funk. I am very grateful that I did not actually SAY Anything to anyone that was hurtful, well, besides shut up.
I know I am PMS-ing. This is not an excuse, just a fact, and I know it will pass. I need to be quiet and vibrate through it.
Today I will spend some quality time with my husband. We will go to the orchard and get some apples. I will make a pie and cook a nice delicious dinner for us. Tomorrow I have the day off from school and work in observance of Columbus Day. Thank you US Government.
I am just about caught up with my school work I was behind on and that is a major relief. If you have read this entire post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I am willing to hear any feed back or suggestions you have for me. I can take it!
Thank you for listening.
Patty

Wonderful Week

2011-10-02T01:28:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe it is October already and I am six weeks into the semester. I have not had any time to come here and blog, but I have been trying to stop in and say hi now and then on your blogs!

Health wise I am feeling great and I am so, so grateful for that because right now, I need every last bit of energy I can muster to get me through everything on my plate! I am so grateful for everyday I wake up and I am sober by the grace of God. I had to speak at three AA meetings last month, probably more than I usually do in year! Just a reminder to me that even though I think God is not around for me because I am not constantly asking for something......not true, alway, always here. I just keep saying, thank you, thank you, thank you. I really feel like I am doing the deal called life, on life's terms. I am really trying my best and have had the stamina to do it. Some wonderful things have come out of the whole experience. I have gone back to my home group and I will be making coffee next month. Remember how I used to bitch about how I had to make it for a year? Well, I am just going to do it for a month this time and pass the keys on!

I started my new job and I love it! Everyone there is very nice and I have made a new friend. I have been in total study mode for the last two weeks. I have really stepped up my game as far as school work goes and the new job really helps with that. I have my own desk and I pretty much just sit at it and study the entire time I am there. The other night I even got to help a fellow student study her anatomy of the skeleton. She was pretty cool so I taught her all of my dirty and clean jokes I used to use to remember the names of some of the bones. We had a great time!
I also saw a friend of mine from the rooms that I have not seen in a long time. I asked him how my friend "A" was. "A" is a friend of mine, and one of the women I met in my first week of sobriety. She took me under her wing and wound up being my first sponsor too, even though it did not last very long. But anyway, unfortunately she is back out there. I was shocked at first, then so grateful. There but for the grace of God. I will pray.
The coolest news this week is that I got to start my first IV in clinical this week. Woo Hoo!! Got it on the first stick too! I am on another pink cloud over that one! I wish I had time to tell the entire story about the cool lady (retired LPN) that insisted I practice on her, and she let me and my classmate mess around with her for half an hour practicing putting on tourniquets and palpating her veins. What a doll!

So, now that October is upon us, it is a very special month for me, and also, seeing how I have spoken three times in the last month! I will take a vow of silence until November in the rooms of AA. Now I must go to bed and NOT get up early in the morning!
Good night!
Patty

I Love my Critters

2011-09-20T10:25:00.000-04:00

This is my newest edition, Smokie. I found her in my back yard on July 12th. She still had the umbilical chord attached to her as well as the entire placenta (afterbirth). We have no idea how she got there or where she came from. We were not sure if she was going to make it. Look how tiny she was! If it was not for Shannon (doggy) and Zsu Zsu Petals (kitty), she probably would not be alive. They both took very good care of her, bathing and doing potty duty.

Zsu Zsu is a good Sissy/Mommy

One hundred pound dog giving a bath to 5 ounce kitten.

Getting a new born kitty to urinate and defacate is no easy task and she most likely would not have survived without them. The dog was actually more gentle with her than the cat was. Somewhere along the line the older kitty would "forget" it was a baby kitten and would be tossing her up in the air like a mouse or a chipmonk! She was on the bottle until she was almost seven weeks old. I let her have it until she did not want it anymore. If I say ba ba to her now, she will run over to me and get on my lap.

Smokie with her binkie, waiting for her baa baa.

Ahhh, baa,baa!

I know, cruel right, not really, kittens have extremely short attention spans. So that is the story of how Smokie came to us. She is a loving little miracle. Unlike her sister Zsu Zsu Petals, who refuses to be held or fused over, and worships the dog, she purrs constantly, loves to be held and loved, and has a super sweet disposition.

Shannon is thinking, "How the heck did this happen?"

My sweet little Smoke. Her paws are huge!

She is a member of the family now and we love her very,very much!

September Sunday Morning....

2011-09-18T00:36:00.006-04:00

Good morning! Just a quickie because there were too many things in this week to go in to. Here are the highlights in bullets:

Once again, God has put people and places in my path that have made me so grateful on so many levels.

I did not crack a book all week and rested and slept and I am finally feeling better. Thank you God!!!!

My nursing school chick friends and I did some service work this week for some homeless vetrans. We were but a little cog, in a huge wheel and it was a wonderful experience

I did study all morning Saturday, then I goofed off with my husband this afternoon, and he bought me a new computer today!!!!!!!

Guess I will let him off the hook for some stuff I screamed at him about the other day.

Guess he is letting me off the hook too.

Sunday was our 18th anniversary, if you look in the back of one of those little Hallmark calendars under 18th wedding anniversary, it says computer, starbucks, cider and donuts.

Friday I got to go to the ER and saw a guy with a blown fistula who was hemorrhaging. I have never seen that much blood in real life. There was a paramedic student there and three RN's. The nurse I was working with that day in dialysis was paged there to try and get it under control. She was cool as a cucumber, walked in and said, "I brought Patty to help me." (That was so freakin' cool!!!!)

Tomorrow is more studying, and maybe a motorcycle ride.

This week is super busy, with some fun sprinkled in here and there.

I have been going to meetings at least 2x a week and talking to my sponsor.

I have also been sticking to my "eating plan" and I think I have lost a little weight. I have been trying really hard, but I am not ready to weigh myself yet.

I hope you all have a great rest of the weekend.

picture credit: Sunflowers, Vincent VanGogh

God Just Keeps Showing Up!

2011-09-10T10:08:00.000-04:00

Good morning bloggers! Not a bunch of time to post today, as the studies are a mile high this weekend, but I have to give you at least a small glimpse into my miraculous week!

I had my first "hands on" psych experience this week and it was really something else. There were so many women there that could have been me at various stages of my life, 19, 34, and present day. All determined to destroy themselves. It was as if a mirror was being held up in front of my face for me to see what my fate could have been had I not found sobriety and the 12 steps. Not only that, but what my future could be if I quit going to meetings and working the steps. Also, how blessed I am to have gone through all of the counseling for the last three years, from start to finish to deal with my sexual abuse and abandonment issues. I looked at some of those women yesterday and thought, "Oh God bless them! They have such a long road in front of them, I pray they choose the right path and find a way to live their lives happy, joyous, and free." Thy will be done. I am a perfect example of how just a very small amount of willingness can take a person to places they never imagined possible. When I was 19, I was a patient in a psychiatric unit for trying to overdose on pills and kill myself. I thumbed my nose at the help that was offered to me and signed myself out.
Fast forward to 30 years later. I am in the psychiatric unit again, this time pursuing a lifelong dream of being a nurse. I have God, and the people of AA to thank for that.
At the end of the day, since we had so many alcoholic clients, most of my classmates were very curious how one goes straight from the psych unit to an AA meeting. Ah, yes, there was a whole lot of biting my tongue and fighting back giggles a couple of times! My instructor proceeded to tell the story of Dr. Robert Smith and Bill Wilson and how AA was founded. She went on to explain Al-Anon and the plight of the sick family of the alcoholic. I have to say, she did a wonderful job too.

Later on I decided to go to my old home group. The meeting I started two years ago that I have not been to for six months. We finished the chapter on step 2 in "The Little Red Book", and I felt as if that is exactly where I was supposed to be. My former sponsor was there Not the one that went crazy on me in the car, the one before that I have been pissed at since last December. Holy crap, I had no idea it had been that long until just now. WTF? Self will gone riot, much? Anyway......She came up to me and and said, "I am so glad to see you," and we gave each other a big hug. All of that anger and resentment melted into love and acceptance. By the end of the meeting I was feeling the same way about the crazy car lady one too. Life is too damn short for me spend it pissed off and trying to avoid this person or that person. Is everyone in AA perfect? Hell no! Are there some sickos here ? Hell yes! Am I one of them? Sometimes! Hell yes! Is there hope for me and everyone else? Hell yes!

Today I really feel like I am back on the beam. Tomorrow is me and my husband's 18th wedding anniversary. By the Grace of God. If I had followed my will not only would we be divorced, I am sure I would be six feet under, or close to it. I am still very deeply in love with my husband too , which is a huge miracle. I am so, blessed!

Tomorrow morning I will get up and thank God for all of my blessings, just like I did today. I will suit up and show up for a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am the speaker. A commitment I made many months ago. I almost backed out recently because I felt like I had nothing positive to say and nothing to give. Today I realize, it is not about me. All I have to do is show up, and God will do the rest!
Have a great weekend everyone,
Patty

Thank You AA

2011-09-07T16:51:00.001-04:00

My friend Mary inspired me to share this today.Yesterday, a group of us students had to go to a MRDD facility to meet some of the clients, so we could come back later and do a teaching presentation for them. The lady took us to the breakroom and pointed to some tables where some people were sitting and said, "There they are", and turned on her heel and walked away. We all stood there frozen for a second, and the clients were looking at us a little suspisciously. I started to have feelings of apprehension and negativity, like this is going to go horribly! These people are never going to trust us or open to us! Suddenly, I knew exactly what to do. I kicked into fellowship mode, smiled, made eye contact and started shaking hands and introducing myself to the cleints. Big smiles from the clients followed. Before I got to the second table my fellow classmates followed suit and the next thing you know people were shouting across the room, hey, I want to shake hands! Within a minute or two everyone was smiling and chatting. I was very grateful for the rooms of AA where I learned to do this, and it also took me back to my first days sober. I remember not even being two weeks sober, and watching the women I was hanging around with circulating around the room, shaking everyone's hand. Even at meetings where they did not know anyone! I remember telling "L", I will never be able to do that! She said, Yes you will, and you will show newcomers what we are showing you today. Well, obviously, that day came and I was able to practice that principle in all my affairs yesterday and I felt very grateful to be able to give away what had been so freely given to me, even if it was just a smile and a handshake, sometimes it can make all the difference. It sure did to me, yesterday and on the first day I walked into AA. Don't you just love it when God gives us exactly what we need, even if we don't know we need it?

Monday....Feels Like Sunday

2011-09-05T10:43:00.002-04:00

I am coming out of my denial that school is actually back in session. I spent the bulk of the weekend doing an art project for lab on therapeutic communication and organizing all my folders. Organization is not my strongest suit, but I have created a system that I can use and live with. It is so imperative that I keep on track as we are doing three weeks of psych- lecture and clinical, and then three weeks of med/surg- lecture and clinical and so on, back and forth between the two, throughout the entire semester. So just when you get "comfortable" in an area they switch you. Both of my clinical instructors are the bomb! I feel privileged to be practicing under them. Now the meat and potatoes! Read, read, read.

I applied for a few jobs through the Federal Work/Study program and I have been hired at the college to work in the science tutoring lab. I will be sitting at a desk saying, "Would you please sign in?" when students enter. I also will have to keep things tidy, and clean the tables and desks each day. My former chemistry professor that hired me said it will be a wonderful opportunity for me to study, I will be allowed to bring my books and dive in. The only thing I am not allowed to do is use the computers for long lengths of time. I guess that is why the position is vacant. The last person played computer games the entire time. That will not be a problem for me. Twenty hours a week at minimum wage, and the schedule is very flexible. I will not be getting wealthy, but it will feel good to get a little paycheck and be a small part of the workforce. Not exactly sure when I will start, it takes about two weeks for all the paperwork to go through, etc. Meanwhile, settling in to classes and I cannot believe that the end is so, so near!

On that note, guess I better get busy. I want you all to know that I appreciate all of your blogs and I do not know what I would do without you guys! I am trying to get to more meetings, and I will be attending one tonight. My sponsor suggested that I go one specific meeting every week, but I have not completely decided which meeting that will be yet. I am not going to worry or hurry. Life is good and I am so grateful to be sober. I have so many other positive things going on in my life, but I do not have time to ramble on about all of them today. LUCKY YOU!!!

Saturday the temperature on deck was 105 degrees. Today it is 67! Welcome to Ohio.

Getting Back on the Beam

2011-08-24T16:28:00.002-04:00

I dont know if anyone out there besides Lou reads these posts anymore, but thats OK. It still helps me to write here. I have been very quiet and listeneing to the universe and two things have happened: One thing is that I have had two encounters with two foxes in two different times and locations. It may sound strange, but I believe in animal totems, the Native American belief that animals can send us messages just by being in our presence. Since I had not seen a fox since I was around seven years old, it was pretty significant. Anyway, when I researched the fox, it said this. The main concept I took from this is the part about staying in the background and being quiet.

The second thing is that came about was the constant suggestion in the back of my mind that I should call a particular person. A woman in the program that I have known for several years and have always admired, but also know that she is one of those people that is always so busy doing service, sponsoring, and doing a lot of work outside of AA as well. She is one of those women that you hear speak and want to be your sponsor, like a hundred other women in the room. Anyway, I sent her a message and asked her if we could talk sometime and she called me the next day. I explained to her kind of what I have been going through and I was so grateful that she was the ONLY person that I have spoken to lately that did not ask me who (were my previous sponsors) or what (happened that I do not have them anymore). I am so grateful for that, I am finally tired of telling the entire morbid story. I did tell her that it was not all bad though, because I learned much. I told her about what happened to me at lunch with the women from the meeting that I wrote about in my last post. As much as it pissed me off, I could not stop thinking about it. I began to be afraid that I had become, or was becoming complacent. She shared some experience with me on this, and I listened. I asked her for some suggestions and she gave me some. The first thing she suggested that I do is to just stay in the background at meetings and act like a newcomer again. Yes, she used those exact words, "stay in the background". She also sugessted that for right now,I find one meeting that I like, and make a commitment to attend that meeting every week. She also offered to be there for me, and for me to keep in touch with her and let her know how I am doing. The best thing of all she said to me was that she had "No judgement, no condemnation" (towards me) Patty, just love, OK? I feel like I am getting back on the beam. Yes, today I realized, that I have been off the beam. I am very grateful that with the help of my God, I was able to come around, and put forth an ounce of willingness and pick up the phone. I feel so much better today where recovery is concerned.

Physically, I have had strep throat all week and I am finally feeling just a little bit better today. I have been at a pain level of a 12 since Monday. The last time I had a sore throat like this was three years ago when I wrote this. Holy crap, I in no way realized that it was just about three years ago to the day until I went back to copy the link. I remember having a horrible sore throat that entire week and after I got the truth out I screamed and cried and carried on and smashed things for a good half hour. When I was finished, the sore throat was gone. Well, I had to go to the doctor and a z-pack for this sore throat which thank God is beginning to subside, but as of 10 AM this morning as I started to write this I was getting ready to call the doctor. I have spent the day on the couch taking care of myself, writing, reading, eating Lindt chile chocolate and snuggling with my new kitten (pics and miracle story on that forthcoming). I may not be totaly back on the beam, but I know where to find it and all I have to do reach out my hand and someone will always help me get back on. Thanks for listening.
Patty

Hello

2011-08-16T11:20:00.000-04:00

Good morning bloggers. I have missed coming here. I am officially on break! I passed all of my classes and finally earned the elusive "B" that I have been striving for all through nursing school. I have missed by a fraction of a point several times but this time I even had a respectful margin.

So, school is going very well on many levels, not only academically, but also on a social level as to how I am getting along with my instructors and developing mutual, respectful relationships.

My sobriety is still my number one priority in life, but meetings have not been. I also still do not have a sponsor. Have not been looking or praying for one. Some days I am really a little surprised at how different I truly feel about some of the people in the program. I had intended to attend a day meeting that because of school I have not been able to go to for a few months. After I took my test and sat in the financial aid office for half an hour I decided to go to Borders and peruse the nursing books there. As I was shopping it occured to me that, oh darn! The meeting was starting! I finished my shopping and headed over to the church and the meeting was letting out. It was a sort of tradition for us to go to lunch afterward. So I met a few of the girls at an area restaurant and told them, at their request, that no, I still do not have a sponsor and no, I have been to, or really felt like going to many meetings. But I have been trying to go to the recovery house meeting at least once a week. Then they wanted to know why I did not come to the meeting that afternoon and I told them that I had all intentions of going, but I had simply let time get away from me and forgot. The woman across the table from me accused me of being a liar right to my face. Then I got the old, you are going to drink. You are in denial, etc. etc. I tried to explain that I have finally found balance in my life by going to less meetings, and as long as I have my Higher Power, I am not real worried. They were not buying it. Why would they? I am a liar, remember? Why does this keep happening to me? I did not say one derogatory thing about the program or anyone in it! Just what I needed to do for myself right now and that I really think it is working. I am so happy, content, peaceful, and live in a drama free environment. Of course that is impossible, it is just and alcoholic cloud of denial setting me up for relapse. Sigh. I have no desire to drink. I know I am an alcoholic. But really, if one more AA gets in my face and tells me what I need to do, what I am thinking, feeling, gonna do, or that I am a liar.... I may just walk away forever and not look back. I am open to suggestions from my blogger friends though, so please. Am I totally delusional? Am I heading for relapse? Also, I am almost 6 years sober, and I do go to meetings when I feel like it, which is once or twice a week. Usually once a week when I am in school.
Thanks for listening.
Patty

Greetings From My Corner of the World

2011-07-14T22:11:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone! I am here and alive and well. I am so glad this week is almost over. I made it through OB and passed the final. this week we started our pediatrics rotation and I am so honored to be able to learn at a nationally reknowned childrens hospital. Saturday I am going to Southern Ohio for a riverboat ride and meeting on the Ohio River with a good friend. I have over 300 pages of reading to do by Monday. I will get it done. I am still without a sponsor, but I have been going to the womens recovery house meeting once a week and love going there. Easy does it has been my mantra as of late and it seems to be working for me. So now it is time to hit the books again. Have a great Friday and weekend everybody. oh yeah, almost forgot. i am posting from my new phone. pretty cool, huh? I feel so modern. OMG, did I just say that? Goodnight!

Thanks Again

2011-07-06T18:09:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note and then off to study for my final. Grades have finally been posted and I did very well. I would really have to totally blow the final in order not to pass the class, so I am very comfortable with how are things are at this juncture. Whew! Thank you so much for your prayers and support!

Blessed

2011-07-04T09:57:00.001-04:00

As I sit on the deck in my back yard and type this.....The birdies are tweeting, sun is shining, my coffee is hot and steaming, hubby just brought in some cucumbers and shallots from the garden for a salad later, doggy is laying under the pinetree, kitty is parading around the back yard with a chipmunk in her possession, my house is clean, groceries in fridge, sun tea brewing, grades not posted, but thats OK. I am loved, I am sober, I can breathe, I am free, I am peaceful, I am blessed.

Happy Fourth and Thank You

2011-07-02T09:34:00.000-04:00

Just a quickie. Thanks to everyone for your prayers and support. I still do not know my grade, but I really think I did OK. Last week was a horrible week, I think mainly due to hormones. There is a reason they call it mental pause, (sigh). Not a damn thing I can do about it either. This Thursday is the final, so whatever happens, happens. The good news is that even with the horrible week I had last week, and I am talking major meltdown city around here, I did not have to drink over any of it. If I do not make it, I am OK with that. I will explore other options. Life will go on.
I am so grateful to have a four day weekend. Yesterday I relaxed and sat on the deck. What a blessing. Then after all of that R&R, we got pizza for supper. I went to bed early and slept like a baby. Nice!
Hope you all have agreat fourth, enjoying your independence in this great country of ours :)

Still Here and I Need Your Help

2011-06-28T16:03:00.000-04:00

I am still here, having a bit of a rough time right now as far as school is considered. My nerves are at their breaking point. I went to the doctor on Saturday and told him I felt I was cured for a moment and went off my meds. I am back on them now and hoping it helps. I dont have much time to read blogs, but one that I do read every day is this one, and for some reason I am unable to comment. So hey Ya'll!! Love ya girl.

Last but not least, I have never asked this before, but could you please say a little prayer for me Thursday morning as I have two tests and it is really do or die for me. Please pray that I can know what I know and apply it to the test. I don't know what is wrong with me, I study and know the material and then I bomb the test. So far I have bombed two tests so the stress factor is off the charts. This may be my last week of nursing school and I am trying so hard not to surrender to that idea, but also preparing myself for whatever God's will is for me. BUT. It is totally do-able! So I am going to try my very, very best and get to it! I will be testing between 8-10 am EST on Thursday, and knowing I have you guys praying and pulling for me would really help. Thanks, now I better get studying!!!

the voices of thistle farms: Paint Your Nails Purple For Women's Freedom

2011-06-18T17:26:00.000-04:00

the voices of thistle farms: Paint Your Nails Purple For Women's Freedom: "Want to support women's freedom with an outward, visible (and fashionable) sign? Paint your nails purple for women's freedom! In conjuncti..."

Taking a Shot at Gratitude

2011-06-17T09:16:00.002-04:00

I've been neglecting my blog as of late because I am in a very negative place. I feel as if I am at a turning point and I really do not know what direction to go in. I do not want to drink. I also do not want to go to AA. I cannot remember the last time I was at a meeting. I just do not want to go. My school work is so hard and I have been studying every waking moment. Despite my efforts, I got a "D" on the first test yesterday. 74%, you must maintain a minimum 75% average to stay in the program. Now, I feel as if I am in hole right from the get go. That failing grade triggered a self pity binge to end all, I know, not good. I cried myself to sleep last night, asking God why everything always has to be so friggin hard. Then I thought, maybe it is not supposed to be. Maybe this is not what I am supposed to be doing after all. Am I refusing to see the writing on the wall? My diseaase was talking my ear off last night. Despite it's and my best efforts, this morning I woke with a mental agenda of these three things; Pray, be grateful, go to a meeting, study. So, I prayed. I asked God to please help me. No fancy words or recited big book prayers, just please help, God and I am listening. I went to get my books to bring down to the deck, (it is a gorgeous morning) I added my Daily Reflections and a new book I bought at Founders Day entitled, "The Reflecting Pond." (yes, I went to Founders Day for about an hour and that is all I am going to say about it here.) Anyway, the first line in the Reflecting Pond said this: "No man is born into the world whose work is not born with him." Really, just what I needed to hear today. Who am I to say it is time to throw in the towel yet. I read the first page it was exactly what I needed. I feel much calmer now. I suddenly remembered that there is a 10 AM speaker meeting on Fridays. As soon as I finish typing this, I will get ready and go.
Today I am grateful and thankful for:

God always being here for me, even when I do not realize it
I am clean and sober
I have choices today, and today to live my life based on God's will, not mine, no really!
A husband that loves me
Good health
A gorgeous day
Family coming to visit me this summer
Three more weeks of OB, (not my cup of tea)
Nursing school friends that support me

This too shall pass
A place where I can share it all
Thanks for listening

Spritual Growth, Homework, and Dirty Dishes

2011-06-03T08:53:00.005-04:00

Does anyone remember when I was known as "Dirtydishes" in the blogging world? That seems like a hundred years ago, and I would love to think that I have grown and changed so much since that night three something years ago. Yet, as I sit here writing, a huge pile of dirty dishes from last night's supper will not stop staring at me. And instead of diving into them I sit here drinking coffee and blogging about it. Guess I will not be graduating from the program anytime soon, LOL! WHEW!! Oh, but starting out the day with yesterdays work in front of me, UGH!

OK, so I remember reading about this recently in "Drop the Rock" and went back and re-read about the character defect of PROCRASTINATION and I feel very motivated.

Allow me to share:

"Working on this character defect allows us to participate in our personal and fellowship life. The ability to concentrate, to use our time well, is everything. It is self control. It's the program in action. The fourth step talks of instincts gone wild. We must get control of our instincts. When we are tired, we have feelings of uneasiness. These feelings come from stress and the strain of always rushing around. But the feeling of uneasiness also comes from an undernourished spirit, a spirit that never has time to go away to a quiet time and place and rest a while. Don't we have enough in today's troubles without making a double load for tomorrow?

Benjamin Franklin said, 'Do you love life? Then do not squander time because that is the stuff life is made of.'

The 12 steps are the same for everyone. We are all given the choice, the means to break the habit of procrastination so we may be free to strive for spiritual growth in our lives."

(Drop the Rock, p.40)

If I had dishes this pretty I would never let them pile up in the sink. Right? LOL!,

I feel so blessed and calm about things now. I do not have to sit here and beat myself up for my character defect of procrastination, I can do something about it right now, and God willing, grow spiritually from it.

That's right! Spiritual growth from dirty dishes! I cant wait to see how I feel after I dust, vacuum and get the big huge pile of homework done that was assigned last night and is due Monday. Let's not forget the laundry now either, LOL! I think that is very cool! Have a great day everyone!

Patty ;)

Easy and Breezey

2011-06-02T09:35:00.010-04:00

As the vacation winds down, it is time to get down to business and tie up the loose ends before I go back to school. Clean house etc.. Guess it is safe to put the long johns in storage for a month or two? LOL!
Last night was an awesome get together with some wonderful women. I was able to honestly share what I was going through with them and was not judged, but loved and supported.

Just got a phone call from my husband at work. Yesterday I ran around all day from Akron to the West side of my town. He called to tell me that he needed me to do something. No problem, what is it? He said he wants me to take it easy all day. Screw the laundry and vacuuming etc. Sit on the deck and relax I was told. What a guy!

It is a gorgeous day here. It has been very, very hot the last few days, but today is sunny and breezey, I have the windows open and it is nice to have fresh air blowing through the house. So as soon as I finish this, I will load the dishwasher and the washing machine and get a big jug of sun tea ready to brew on the deck, grab my OB nursing book and head for my lawn chair. I am also going to go my womens step meeting for the last time until AUgust or Decmber, as I will be in school and unable to go to that day meeting. I think a pedi may be in order as well!

Life is soooo good. I feel so blessed and happy today.

Last night these passages in "Drop the Rock" really spoke to me: "...what a great opportunity the twelve steps offer us in reclaiming our lives." And, "Our most valuable relationship is the one we have with our Higher Power, so we seek out situations and people that bring us into closer contact with our Higher Power." I am so grateful to be sober today.
Patty

Taking a Step Back

2011-06-01T09:30:00.000-04:00

Just for now, I am taking a step back from the rooms. It feels really good too. I have no desire to drink, I have been keeping in touch with my support group, but I have just taken a break from meetings. I hesitated before I wrote about this. I am not recommending it to anyone else. It is what I need to do for myself for right now. I have also shut down my FB account for several reasons, with DRAMA at the top of the list. Kind of like when they give a patient a drug holiday and take them off all of their meds and see which ones they really need and which ones they dont. That's another thing too. By accident (at first) I forgot to take my anti-depressant for about three days. It suddenly dawned on me that I felt the best I had felt in months. The constant pain in my neck and shoulders began to fade away, I stopped clenching my teeth in my sleep. My thinking has become much clearer as well. Weird huh? The biggest change I noticed was that my brain was not telling me to eat constantly even though I was not even hungry. SO, here I am, off my meds, and not going to AA, and no sponsor. I know, self will run riot! No, no. I still pray, more than ever. I feel so peaceful, accepting and content today. I have no resentments, jealousy or uneasiness about anything. You might say I am in a mild state of euphoria, high on life! I am just not up to my ass in AA today. I am going to a meeting tonight at a friends house. We are still reading drop the rock. This is my support group of alcoholics. I am in contact with a woman who was my sponsor several years ago and I had get another one because she had so much (family issues) going on in her life. The best part of that is she already knows all my stuff. The thing that sucks about that last situation I was in and how it ended, is, that person that I trusted and then later found out was untrustworthy, knows all my stuff. And in case you are wondering, yes the way things have gone for me with sponsors (two in the last 6 months) is directly related to all of this.

It feels good to say all of this out loud today. I want to let my blogger fiends know what is going with me in case I start to sound like I am off the beam, you can tell me. Ha! I probably already sound that way! But, it is what it is. And now here it is, and I have to go and run errands now, so no editing, no pics, just my post for today. Hope you all have a good one!
Thanks for listening, Patty

Memorial Day Weekend Bullets

2011-05-28T09:04:00.002-04:00

Good morning!

I have been enjoying this time off like no other vacation I have ever had before! Just taking it easy and getting things done.
The tension in my neck is receding day by day.
Finally made it to the Y, and there is a new water aerobics instructor, she ~~sucks~~ is not as creative as the last one.
After four days of watching what I eat and giving up dairy again, (at least 6 days a week) I feel so much better, I know I have not lost weight yet, but I feel better.
The weekend weather is calling for sunny skies. Horray!
I feel bad bitching about rain when I see the devastation in Missouri and the mid-west.
Actually getting excited about going back to school in 10 days.
I intend to enjoy every single one of those 10 days!
Last but not least, I am so grateful to those who serve, and have served our country, so that I could live happy, joyous, and free :)

Monday Morning Gratitude

2011-05-23T11:51:00.003-04:00

Today I am very grateful: 

God, quiet house, hot coffee

A wonderful time with friends Saturday night

That I have choices, and today I choose sobriety....and that has made all the difference

Two entire days of sunshine this weekend!

That even though it is raining again today, we got several plants in the garden over the weekend

I have enough of everything I need today

I had a dream last night about someone who mistreated me recently, and I really let her have a piece of mind, and today I feel as if I can finally let the whole thing go

I do not have to make an ammends for the things I said (in my dream). Very cool

I have awesome friends

After much prayer, the obsession I have had recently to smoke has been lifted from me, and also I do not feel like eating compulsively either, now I have to do the footwork, going to the gym this afternoon to swim laps

Menopause. ( Not really, but I am trying to be, LOL)

Winding Down in Bullets

2011-05-19T00:30:00.002-04:00

Still winding down from the events of last weekend.
Feeling very grateful for all the lessons learned.
Tomorrow promises a possibility of some sunshine. It has rained here everyday for the last two weeks.
Tonight I went to a "Drop the Rock" meeting at my friends house and we read about procrastination. Good stuff.
When I got home the sky cleared and I was able to take my doggy for a walk :)
Very excited to be able to participate in the pinning ceremony this week for the graduating, second level nurses at school.
Even more excited about the party I am having on Saturday for some of my friends and class mates. The theme is "Girls Night Out", we will have lots of good food and a bonfire, we will be burning our syllabus's from last semester.
Tomorrow I will speed-clean my house. LOL.
Feeling very grateful to have some time off to relax and wind down...

Great Way to Start the Day

2011-05-17T07:26:00.000-04:00

I'm Home

2011-05-16T10:54:00.001-04:00

I am home from retreat. It was an eyeopening experience. Not at all what I expected. I learned a lot! This is probably going to be a long post, so bear with, or don't, but I need to write it out and get it all out out of my head once and for all.
So,I was to drive my sponsor and another one of her sponsees, and there was a mis-communication on exactly what time we were going to be leaving. There was a lot of confusion and no straight answers. There was inaccurate information as to how long it was going to take us to get there. There were many rushed phone calls and when questions were asked no solid answers were given and I was told, I gotta go, I gotta go. I gotta go to lunch with my friend, I gotta go shopping, I gotta go run errands with my husband etc. And, I don't want to get there too early. OK. What it comes down to is that I did not ask the right questions and I now know that I need explicit, specific instructions in these matters. ANYWAY. So it is 3:30 and I am on my way to get everyone and the text messages start. Where are you? Are you coming? Where are you now? Where on the highway. I finally called, Hey, I am driving, I cannot text, I will be there in 10 minutes. What is your exact location? You need to hurry up!!! How long is it going to take you to get here? Well, hurry up! I am the spiritual director and I need to get there early! Early? This is news to me.

So I get to her house and I am told, the other girl is driving over because "you are so late!" That's funny, when we discussed this the other night, that was the original plan, and I remember you telling her that she was to park her car in your back yard. I had no idea I was to drive around and pick her up. What it comes down to was this: Even though she did not want to leave at the original time of 2:30, she expected me to be there and sit around and wait for her while she picked out outfits, and la la'd around. Which is totally fine...but tell me this. Don't call me and tell me this and that that is not even relevant to me. Just tell me what time, and we will do the math later you know?

So as soon as we get on the road it starts pouring down rain like you would not believe. OMG. And then the brow beating began and it did not stop until we were almost at our destination because I finally blew my freakin top. The icing on the cake was when I missed the exit because she was texting her husband. He had to know what mile markers we were at all along the way and how fast was I going etc. Also, I was being told how to drive, get in that lane, get right on that guys bumper and make him move over, we HAVE GOT TO GE THERE! I AM THE SPIRITUAL DIRECTOR!!!! Then again more brow beating. So I missed the exit and she really starts screaming now. I panic and start to swerve to the right, but there is a car there, whew! Just missed him. So I see a "No U-turn" sign ahead and make that my destination. My God, I have got to get out of this car! So I make the U-turn, it was not pretty, I was going way too fast, and we were all scared, but I made it, and as soon as we got off the highway she told me to pull over at the gas station. Really? Gas station? I though we were in a big, huge hurry. OK. Back on the road again, almost there. Brow beating. My husband thinks this about you and every time he see's you he will tell you what a loser you are because you were so late, I am the spiritual director and I need to be there on time. Blah, blah, blah...AND........I lost it...."SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!! PLEASE, WILL YOU? I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I DO NOT GIVE A RATS ASS WHAT YOUR HUSBAND THINKS OF ME. WE ARE HALF AN HOUR EARLY, NOW YOU NEED TO LET IT GO, AND GET OFF MY FUCKIN BACK. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. There were some other words exchanged about acting 12 years old, sarcasm and tough love...whatever.

And......we are here! They both get out and come over to me and give a give me a hug. I say I am sorry for yelling, they say that's OK. Well, that is the last time time they would talk to me all weekend without me cornering them. Hello, my name is Patty and I am the Big Bad Wolf. SO it took a me a while to figure out that I was getting the complete cold shoulder from them, but not too long. Cold shoulder? I felt like I was being completely shunned, no eye contact, and then eventually, my sponsors friends were even looking at me weird. Like, oh, you are the crazy girl that almost killed everyone. Because I don't know my sponsor that well, but I know her well enough to know that she embellishes and exaggerates pretty good, because I have been around when she re-tells a story and a lot gets lost or added in translation. And come to find out later, the whole making a U-turn and yelling were lumped into one incident when they were quite separate. Forget the fact that I had been getting yelled at constantly for an hour while driving in rush hour traffic! Right?
The other girl that came with us was under my sponsors wing, being introduced to all of her friends, sitting and eating together etc. I was left out in the cold. Jealousy and self pity washed over me like a thick cloud of smoke. I decided to go to my room for the night and cry my eyes out. When I got to my room, I had a room mate. CRAP!!!! This ruins my pity party! I held back the tears long enough to apologize for barging in while she was sleeping and introduce myself. I said, well, I am really sorry, but I came up here to have a pity party...and the flood gates opened. I was feeling like such a piece of shit at this point. I did not even want to tell her what was wrong. I did not know this woman from Adam, but I knew I could not take one more person putting me down. She just sat there quietly while I balled for a while and then she said, I am a good listener if you want to tell me what's wrong. SO out came the entire story, and then we talked, and before I knew it we were both laughing. Thank you God! It felt really so good to confide in someone. That night we did steps 1-3 at the retreat, and I feel as if during that conversation with my room mate, I did steps 1-3. And I know God was there!
The next day was steps 4-10, and I was to speak on step 7. By the time I was to step up to the podium to speak, ALL my self pity and jealousy had been removed, gone, disappeared.   I did not have the 7th step prayer memorized word for word, but I knew it in my heart. I was very, very willing. I had forgotten to bring my copy of the humility prayer that I wanted to read, but I remembered the most important parts of it, "To feel that no harm is done to me." "Perpetual quietness of heart." I ended on my knees saying the seventh step prayer, because that is what my sponsor told me to do. When I finished, several women came up to me with tears in their eyes. My sponsor came up to me and hugged me and said, good job, but that shit you pulled in the car is still not acceptable. OK, thank you!
By the time I listened and heard discussion on 8 and 9 I knew what I had to do. SO I asked my sponsor for 5 minutes of her time and several hours later she allowed me talk to her in the hallway. I apologized for my part. I told her I would never, ever want to hurt her or "K", I love them both very much and I am very, very sorry if I scared them. I was told I have anger issues and they felt as if they were held hostage in my car. Again, I am sorry. It will never happen again. I will understand if you do not want to ride home with me. She said she had not decided yet, she would let me know. OK.  So, I cleaned off my side of the street and that was all I could do. I totally let everything go, I also apologized to the other girl.  She looked at me like I was a crazy lady. In fact many people in their little circle were looking at me like that. You know what? Their opinion, or what they think of me is none of my business. I had several ah, hah moments up to this point that had kept me from running away. Because that is what I kept wanting to do, was run away, from the moment I pulled into the driveway. Instead I stayed, and kept working the steps. I also made my own friends there, not just my roommate, but her sponsor and grand-sponsor. Also some other girls that God put in my discussion groups. The thing that I am most proud of myself for, is that I never said one bad thing about my sponsor to anyone. I confided in my room mate and that was it. I did not go around and tell "my side" of the story all weekend even though I know that there were several people there that had been told everything by her....DRAMA!!! And honestly, that was soooooo hard!!! But by this time I was beginning to figure out step seven a little bit. I am the one who has to work at it. God will help me change, but I have to do it. It was so hard!!! SO hard to not tell everyone that I was the victim!! I am not a bad person. She is the one who is crazy. So hard to not to say F-you and my commitment and go home with my tail between my legs. It was soo hard, but I know now, I would have cheated myself out of so much growth. And for me, the biggest change, is keeping my mouth SHUT!!! Thanks goodness for this blog though where I can let it all out!.

Saturday afternoon my roommate and I went to town and did some shopping.  I think it is worth noting here that even after hearing my story, my roommate got in the car with me and I drove, LOL. We went to a resale shop and looked around and eventually wound up at a really cool candle shop and went nuts! I got some little gifts for the girls in my study group and my husband. I almost bought my sponsor and the other girl gifts, but I left it alone. I did end up buying them a pack of cigs and a four pack of Red Bull. You know, something they could really use and appreciate. I realize now that I had motives, but screw it! I was really just being nice. Saturday night was the big speaker meeting where women from outside the retreat could come and listen. It was a packed house!! Over one hundred women there. The speaker totally rocked it!!! She was awesome! Everyone was into her story, suddenly she said, "Where is Patty?" I just sat there frozen, she did not mean me. I got a nudge from the woman next to me, she means you, Patty. Oh, crap! I waved my hand at her. She said, Patty you rock! I love you! You really touched my heart with that seventh step girl. ( a few people clapped and said some woo hoo's) OMG!!! I did not want this recognition. It took all of MY will to not look over at my sponsors face. I really wanted to see her expression, but I held on! Then I thought...none of my business! Good or bad, right? I no longer needed her approval of me. Here is the real kicker. When she finished speaking she called me to the podium. OMG! I am like, no way, OMG! She had a copy of the humility prayer there for everyone and asked me to read it to finish the meeting. How cool is that. Yes, I got tears in my eyes. Did I mention that the lady speaking was my roommates grand-sponsor? This group of women had five levels of sponsorship at the retreat, with the great-grand sponsor unable to make it. I thought this was so very cool, and they all go to the same home group too. It is not far from where I live so I should be able to make the road trip at least once a month to see these awesome women who loved me unconditionally.
I had a blast Saturday night. Sitting and talking with all new friends, exchanging phone numbers etc. I kept thinking all evening, this is great, but I really feel like I need to reach out to someone else. I decided to go down to the campfire even though is was misty rain and a little chilly. God put someone there for me to listen to. I shared a little, but mostly I listened.
OK, so the next morning I am so happy I made it through the entire weekend!!!! And, I was grateful because I had got sooo much out of it. I truly felt as if everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to. Everything. I still had steps 11 and 12 to listen to and discuss. I had all my stuff in the car ready to go after step 12 discussion.
Before the 12th step speaker I approached my sponsor and the other girl to see what the deal was them as far as riding with me or not, I pretty much figured that they would not be, there were several women there from the area that I knew they could ride with. I was told in a very snotty tone, "We GOT a ride home, PATTY." And, "My husband is coming to pick me up." OK, feeling of total inferiority hitting me right now. I felt so sick to my stomach. Hang on, hang on.   I heard my name being called, Patty, PATTY! My roommate, come here and sit with me. Are you OK? I felt tears coming. Oh shit! I'm OK, I'm OK. My sponsor steps to the podium (she is the spiritual leader remember?) She is introducing the last speaker and talking about how much she loves AA and the women in AA, blah, blah, blah. I look over at my roommate and she looks at me. I really gotta go now, she gives me a hug and I leave. I had about all I could take and just wanted to get home.

When I got home my sponsors number was on my caller ID. I have no idea what she could be calling for except to bitch at me some more. I have never been so happy to be home in my whole life. My husband was not here when I got here so I decided I would go the grocery store. I looked to see how much money I had left. There in my wallet was the fifty dollar bill my sponsor had given me before we left. I took it out of my wallet and felt sick to my stomach. I had some note cards on my desk and grabbed one.
"B"-Meant to give this back to you on Sunday. Thanks for everything.
Patty
As I licked the envelope and placed the stamp on it I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders.

So, where do I go from here? I do not know. Gonna let God figure that one out. I followed every single suggestion that woman gave me including cutting myself off from every friend I had in AA except for her and three other girls she sponsors. I left the meeting I started on her suggestion too. But I feel in my heart that it all going to just fine.
I am grateful to have some time off school. I worked the 12 steps, for that I am extremely grateful to her, but once again, time to move on. This is my story. If you made it all the way to the end....thanks for listening. I feel so much better, and now it is all behind me with so many lessons learned! I am grateful!

A Big Sigh of Relief

2011-05-12T00:26:00.000-04:00

By the Grace of God I made it through my first year of nursing school. Some of my class mates did not, so it is a bitter sweet. I am so relieved.......It was a very long wait today, waiting for the grades to be posted. There was drama. I am not going to go into it. My sponsor had to cancel my 6th & 7th step at the last moment and my heart sank. I headed to a meeting after a brief altercation with my husband. As I sped down the road I had a little discussion with God. It kind of went like this:
WHAT IS GOING ON ?!?!?!?!?!
MENOPAUSE!
ITCHY RASH ALL OVER MY HANDS!
I WANT TO SMOKE SO BAD IT HURTS!
I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE
I AM STRESSED TO THE MAX
NERVES ARE SHOT I TELL YOU! SHOT!
OH, GOD I WANT TO SMOKE
I WANT TO SMOKE SO BAD
TWO YEARS SMOKE FREE
BIG WHOOP TEE DOO!
I FEEL LIKE A STUFFED HOG
I AM GONNA SMOKE!
GOT A LIGHTER IN POCKET
IM DONE, I AM SO DONE, I REALLY NEED HELP
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

I turned on the radio and a heavy metal station was on. I cranked it up as loud as it would go and rolled down the windows. I was driving pretty fast too. I was thinking who would be at the meeting that I could get a cigarette from. I did not go to this meeting very often and hopefully whoever it was would forget that I quit smoking. This stinkin thinkin dialouge took all of about 5 seconds. There was also a nagging thought that perhaps I would drink too, because I was gonna really feel like shit for smoking you know. No, no, no. That would never happen! I know a cig will take the edge off. These people are driving me nuts. Everyone is getting drunk and forgetting about it and I am here all alone to deal with it all, and I cannot take it. I need a legal, mind altering, substance. NOW! A CIGARETTE!

Then this very soft, calm, voice spoke to me and said, "Patty, you have to be true to yourself."
"You have to be true to yourself."
"You have to be true to yourself."
A sudden calm washed over me like a wave from my head to my toes.
I took a huge deep breath and let out a big sign of relief..The insanity left me.
I felt as if I was back on the beam.
I went to the meeting and listened quietly.
I heard what I needed to hear in every single comment.
During the meeting I received four text messages from classmates..."the grades are up." Well, of course they are!
The picture above is from the place where I will be going to a women's 12 step retreat this weekend.

I will take a break for the next couple of weeks and then prepare to get back to class. Another fresh start.
I am so grateful!

Just a Little Insane

2011-05-11T07:13:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was my final.  (insert large, SIGH, here).  I am still decompressing.  I am still waiting for my grade.  Yesterday despite MY best efforts, I had an overwhelming sense of dread about the entire thing.  I flunked out.  I failed.  I would have to say that about 99% of my classmates were going to get hammered last night, that is everyone except for me, the two Menonite girls, and the pregnant girl.  POOR ME!!!!!!!!!

The overwhelming urge to smoke a cigarette has been haunting me day and night for the last two weeks.  And believe me, the thought of drinking crossed my mind too. Well of course it did!  If I fail I am gonna get soooo drunk!   This disease never rests!  My alcoholism was playing with me as I felt so powerless over the entire situation.  Low self esteem came rushing in.  I am less than.  I don't deserve this.  So I sat down and made a gratitude list and there it all was in black and white. This class does not define me as a person.  Even if I did.....ugh....fail...It would still be alright.  That would mean that I would have a year to figure out if I was supposed to be a nurse. And, I would do that sober with God guiding me. Funny after I made that list I sat down to watch TV with my husband.  He was dozing in no time and I grabbed the remote.  I started surfing and came upon a show about AA on PBS.  Hmmmmm.  Listening to these AA's talk about the Big Book and the program I could feel the tension loosening in my neck.  It felt good to hear some fellowship in my living room. I realized I had been running on little sleep and had not been to a meeting since Saturday. So, a noon meeting is on tap for today, (pun intended)  No matter what the grade, or the outcome, all is well, and I am sober!

SO, for today, I will be grateful.

I will:

go to a meeting

do what is in front of me

finish my 6th step  

start to enjoy this time off

clean my house

be grateful

I will know all is well, no matter what

I will put it all in His hands

Thy will be done!

Just Another Boring, Sober, Blessed, Day

2011-05-04T08:55:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my last day of class for the semester
I finished up by passing my skills in lab and the last quiz in lecture
Came home, had dinner and went to a great meeting
Talked to my sponsor
This morning I got up, prayed, thanked God, read Daily Reflections, and immediately started working on a 4th step.
I will go to water aerobics this morning and do something good for my heart and body, even though I got up at midnight and had eggs and toast for a snack.
I will go to the hospital and pick up my last patient assignment of the semester.
I will prepare for clinical tomorrow
I will be grateful throughout this day for all that God has blessed me with
I will smile at all who pass by me
I will be kind
I may go to a women's meeting
I will study for my final and finish my fourth step tonight
Tomorrow, I will go to the hospital and try to be of maximum service
I will do my 5th step with my sponsor
I will pray for the awareness to be able to see and face whatever else God decides to put in my path today, and the strength to carry it out
Thy will be done....not mine

Grateful

2011-05-02T13:44:00.002-04:00

To be who, what, and where I am
One week of school and then a break
I will pass my final exam and first year of nursing school
Three weeks off
Strong sponsorship
The steps
I have a Higher Power guiding me
To be excited about letting a Higher Power guide me
Any problem I have today is so small, for example, I have too much good food in my house
I have friends
I am loved
I love <3

Two Weeks.....

2011-04-27T00:11:00.000-04:00

Until this semester is over. Someone please cue the chorous! A year ago at this time I had a full breakdown, later referred to as a breakthrough :) So here is what is new this week:

I am feeling more grateful than I ever have ever in my entire life.
Last night I did my third step with my sponsor and a small group of women that she also sponsors, my new sober sisters. We knelt in a circle, holding hands and recited the third step prayer together. It was a joy. Afterward there were hugs and a few tears. It is something I will never forget, ever.
Today I got a 100 on a quiz. SO happy. It really helped my grade, and I needed it!
We have been mushroom hunting and it has felt absolutely wonderful to get out in the fresh air in the woods. And, no they are not "magic" mushrooms, just morels, yummy stuff. God has blessed us with an abundance this year.
Quite by accident, I started taking my medication in the morning instead of at night and for the first time in about a year, I have been sleeping all through the night without waking up. This has had a profound effect on my energy and concentration level that is astounding. What a blessing!
The first weekend after school is out I will be attending a womens 12 step retreat. Yay!
I let the meeting I started almost two years ago, go. Too much on that topic to write about, but let's just say it coincided with my second step and I am feeling very free today, it is all good.
For the first time in my sobriety, or life for that matter, I really feel as if I am "turning it over" and it feels great!

God is Working on Me

2011-04-17T23:35:00.003-04:00

But I am really not the mood today God. Can I just go back to my old familiar insanity where I did not have to behave accordingly? I realize most of the relationships I had were sick and codependant lacking any sort of boundaries, but I knew what to do. I had it handled. I was running that show just F-I-N-E! Now everyone is mad because I quit co-signing their bullshit, so here I sit all alone. Well, I am really not alone, God is here. All is as it should be. Breathe. Thank you God, for working on me.

Catching Up in Bullets

2011-03-27T11:49:00.001-04:00

So much has happened since the last time I wrote!

I have a new sponsor, and I am working the steps with her starting with step one. Even though I have 5+ years of sobriety, I have never worked 1-3 with a sponsor, I was always told that 4-12 were the most important. So this has been a wonderful eye opener for me!
God has seen fit to send me two of the most willing girls I have ever sponsored. God's timing is awesome! So, we are about two weeks apart from one another in steps 1-3, pretty cool!
School is fine and the semester is waning down. I am passing! I am not on the deans list or even close to being on it, but I know I will pass the course and I am learning sooooo much.
The last two weekes in clinical I have had dying alcoholics as my patients. One man died right before my eyes, little by little, all day as a direct result of alcoholism. This experience has removed any complacency I posessed up to this point, and there was an abundance of complacency there, believe me....Thank you God. I am so grateful this program found me. There but for the Grace of God go I.
God's Grace is amazing to me.
Every day my gratitude list gets longer and longer :)
I have never felt so good in my own skin as I feel today, even at still about 40 lbs. over weight. I like me. I love me.
I am so grateful for the steps, especially 1-3 today. I never realized how self centered I had become. It feels so good to be conscious of it, and to try and change it. My new spsonsor helps me with that! :)
God's timing rocks!
I love and miss my bloger buddies, I am still here now and then reading and sometimes commenting. I have no plans of leaving my blog, but right now my plate is little full.
Have a great Sunday everybody!

Grateful

2011-03-05T15:06:00.000-05:00

Today I am grateful and thankful;

For a Higher Power that loves and guides me, if I let Him
That I do not have to figure everything out, in fact it is probably a good idea if I don't try. (overheard at a meeting this morning)
The people and situations God has put in my life recently.
Spring is almost here!
The women of A.A.
My new sponsor
Working the steps
New meetings and friends
Growth
I have the time for much needed meditation
That I am loved and I know it because I can feel it.

And last, but not least, I am so grateful Pammie is back!
Good Night Everybody!

Where Do I Go From Here?

2011-01-19T11:03:00.002-05:00

I feel like someone has put some kind of wammy on me. The last couple of days I have been.......um...airheaded...to the max? Total scatterbrain is more like it. I took my cat to the vet on Monday for her last round of vaccinations etc. and when I got there and looked at their calendar, I realized that I was a week early. I wish I could say that I have never done such a thing before, but I have. So, they were gonna try and fit me in but it would have meant a 45 minute wait with a unhappy kitty in a crate, so I said, I'll just come back next week at 10, at my regular scheduled appointment. They said you do not have an appointment next week, then I started to argue, I most certainly do! I have a reminder card on my refrigerator! Is the insanity starting to shine through for you yet? Um, yeah, OK crazy cat lady, you are the one that is a week early for an appointment that does not exist. So the big fat juicy cherry on this entire incident is after this transgression I look up and this woman is standing there watching the entire thing, and that woman is none other than the HEAD, The Big Kahuna of the nursing program that I am enrolled in. Thank God I was not rude! But I was a total ding bat! Thank God also that she was more interested in my kitty than anything else.

Fast forward to yesterday...about 24 hours later. I very discreetly ( I thought) changed my lab schedule from Wednesday to Tuesday over a month ago on line before any tuition had been paid. In lecture we were informed that only those who had a stamp of approval from the big kahuna were allowed to do that, funny, I would swear she was staring at me the entire time. So after she left, I ran out into the hall after her. Remember that scene in Christmas story where Ralfie grabs the side of the big slide and finally tells Santa what he really wants? Yeah, that was me, and in turn, I got the old "You'll shoot your eye out kid," response. (SIGH) Actually she said that she would think it over and e-mail me.

I wish I could tell you that was the only incident like this in the last two days, but it is not. Last night I did sit down and have myself a little cry over everything, and I felt better. In the big scheme of things, I feel as if God is getting me ready for something....again. You know, the old growing pains kicking in. I have been setting many, many boundaries, and that always seems to get me a little down. No one likes to have their friends pissed off at them, but I guess if they are pissed because you are no longer allowing them to walk all over you, what kind of friends are they? They are friends that I can love for who they are.....at a distance and on my terms.

So today I am going to do something for myself. I am going to eat a healthy lunch. I am going to go swimming and do something good for my body. I am going to come home and take my doggy for a walk. I will eat a nice healthy dinner and then, I will go to a meeting at a friends house with a bunch of really cool ladies. I will ask God to take over, because I think I have been in the drivers seat and that is why I am so off the beam. Some meditation and prayer is definitely in order. And although I have written that last, I will do that first.

I Love blogging. I love just being able to allow myself to let it all out here and talk through and share my stuff. I feel so much better than I did before I sat down to type! Thanks so much for listening!

Taking Care of Myself

2011-01-13T22:47:00.000-05:00

It has been a strange week and as I write, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. It is all self-inflicted of course. I had so much stuff going on within a such a short timeline, when I stopped and thought about it all it was like WTH? What was I thinking? I was in over-load mode. So today I decided to Stop, Drop, and Roll. I cleared my calendar of all obligations except for one, that I really,really want to do. Time to sit back and breath for a moment. SIGH..........ah that is better!

I think part of the reason for overload is trying to keep very busy as I no longer have a sponsor, at least not for the moment. I was feeling a little uneasy about the entire thing, (did I do the right thing?) Yeah I did. The writing on the wall became so much clearer this week, and now the message I am hearing is "Easy Does It."

Tuesday I go back to school and I still have alot of work to finish. Oh, yes they gave us much homework to do before we go back. Then yesterday they sent out an eight page study guide to be done when we return as well. Thanks!!!! That was the defining moment for me, there is not enough hours in a day to everything I had planned and get my work done. I had to let a few people down, but it will be OK. They will be able to attend the functions without me, I was merely the transportation because I knew how to get where we were going. I will write them out directions and they all have cars to get there.

Although I am disappointed in not being able to go, a small part of me is relieved too. It is time to get things back in balance again. Since I have been off school it has been all meetings. Now I have to pick my obligations wisely and do what is best for me. So, onward and upward as they say, I am off now to hit the books and see if I can somehow figure out acid/fluid balance and arterial blood gas analysis. Thanks for listening. Patty

P.S. The other day I inadvertently deleted someone's comment, someone who has never been here before, called "wind dancer" maybe? I am so sorry for the mistake, and for not remembering your name correctly, thankyou for your comment.
P.S.S. It is now the end of the day and I am just publishing this to my blog, but I think it is important to tell you that I had a chance to get outside for a brisk walk and then meditate today and it really helped alot!

Sunday Morning

2011-01-02T10:15:00.000-05:00

Feeling so grateful this morning. Yesterday I called my Dad, after much mental debate and telling myself...."He's gonna say this or that" or "He doesn't really care about me." Then justifying several reasons why it is OK for me to ignore his existence..... words spoken decades ago. Then I remembered this prayer that we studied in a meeting last week, and how we were all going to try and implement it into our daily lives in a healthy way in 2011.

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace!

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console.

To be understood, as to understand.

To be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we recieve.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.

It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I cannot remember ever having such a loving, sincere conversation with my father. His words of love,support and pride in me brought me tears, and I told how much it meant to me to hear that from him. He wanted to know everything that was going on with me in my life. We talked and laughed for over an hour and before I hung up I told I love him very much, and he told me the same. I told him I won't wait so long in between calls anymore, he told me to call anytime, he would love to hear from me. This may seem sort of mundane and normal to some of you, but I can tell you that it is not in any realm of normal for me and my Dad. God was there with us, I am convinced of that. What a beautiful New Years gift for me cherish! A loving conversation with my father, and I will cherish it forever!

God is so good!

Happy New Year (Eve)

2010-12-31T09:42:00.001-05:00

Today I am grateful and thankful:

For a wonderful night's sleep in a nice warm, clean and comfortable bed.

All of the company I have had this week, especially Monday.

A wonderful chat with my Mom on Christmas morning, and a long talk with my oldest brother on Christmas night. Thank You, God.

Love and peace in my heart today

Friends and loved ones

Living my life one day at a time

Knowing I will have a happy new year, making coffee and attending a meeting tonight. Then I will come home and watch the ball drop with my husband, doggy and kitty. I never was much of a new years eve party person, even in sobriety!

I am so grateful to be grateful today!

Grateful for a New Year and another brand new beginning!

I just got a feeling that 2011 is gonna be the best ever!

Christmas Sunday

2010-12-26T10:16:00.000-05:00

Happy Christmas everyone! I hope you all had a great Christmas and continue to enjoy the holiday weekend. Things are their typical low key self around here. No kids or family around. After all these years we are used to it and make our Christmas in our own way. The relaxing weekend is a welcome friend,as the last week of grieving really took it's toll on me. The calling hours and funeral service for my friend were packed. Such is the case when someone so young passes away.

The New year brings with it a big transition for me. I am breaking with my current sponsor. It is time. God reveals thing to us in His time. There is nothing about her that has suddenly changed to influence my decision, it is me that has changed and suddenly been able to see what has been in front of me all along. I have no qualms about it what so ever, and today I will pray, and call and tell her. It really feels like the right thing for me to do.

December 2010, Be Still.......

2010-12-19T12:03:00.012-05:00

Just stopping by my blog to say hello and Merry Christmas everyone. I made it through my first semester of nursing school and I am now on Christmas break. It was one of the most stressful, demanding, and rewarding semesters ever and I loved it! I learned sooo much and gave my first shot this year...peice of cake! Well, not the first one, but by the tenth one I was a pro! LOL. But, boy am I enjoying a break! I have been cleaning, shopping, knitting, and relaxing. I got a new kitten, a rescue, she was three weeks old when I got her. A friend of a friend found her outside in a compost pile. It has been over 17 years since I had a kitten and she is a joy (most of the time). She loves the dog, and as I type they are curled up sleeping together in the dog's bed. What a sight it was at first, a one hundred pound dog and a one pound kitten! She walked right up to her and told her who was boss around here. SO funny, The kitten absolutely fearless. Her name is Zsu Zsu Petals. And she comes when she is called that too! She weighs over three pounds now and is a part of the family, we love her to pieces and so does the dog, (when no one is looking)

My school work has really cut into my meeting attendance, so while I am off, I am enjoying going to some meetings I have been unable to attend for the last few months. Nice.

On a sad note, I grieve today over the loss of a friend. She was diagnosed with lung cancer less than a month ago, right before Thanksgiving. She died yesterday. She leaves behind a loving husband and a twelve year old daughter. It all happened very fast. This was a woman that in the twenty plus years I have known her has never spoken an unkind word towards anyone. She accepted people for who they were and not who she wanted them to be. She is going to be missed by many. By the way, she was not a member of our fellowship. Some people are just born that way.

Which brings me to the another reason I have not been making time to blog that much anymore. I have been finding it unnecessary to go on about my knowledge or expertise (LOL) on any given subject anymore. Even as I type here today and look over the page at all of the "Me's" and "I's", it seems so self serving, "navel gazing" as my friend Hope has so adequately labeled it. I am finding today that I need to do more listening than talking. What a concept huh? Ha, ha. I have spent almost three years pouring out my heart here and today I choose to listen.

Last year at this time I had my New Years resolution come to me in a gentle nudging thought. The words unconditional love kept running through my head. Making a daily effort to practice unconditional love has changed my life. It made it possible for me to stop playing God, and just let go. To love all of God's children unconditionally. Even the ones I really did not like, I could remind myself that they were worthy of my love, just as we are all worthy of God's love, so I had to leave all judgements up to God. It almost sounds as if I was really doing a lot of people a big favor huh? Well the opposite is true! What a gift to give to myself! It has meant the release of so much negativity! I have also learned to love myself more.

So, this year my mantra seems to be "listen".
"Be still and know that I am God."
So I will listen. I am not saying I am taking a complete vow of silence, by any means. But if I go to a meeting with the intention of just listening....I hear so much more. I am not sitting there running my comment around in my brain seeing how it fits with what this person or that person said. Then when or if it is my turn to speak, if I truly feel something in my heart, not my head, then I will share it. If I want to comment on someone else's comment, then I can always do that after the meeting.

Occasionally I will stop by here to listen you guys. If I don't comment please don't be offended. I got over getting comments on my blog a long time ago! But I do need to put the moderation on just in case because I had some weird stuff on there I had to delete. ( don't want to say what it was because then it might come up in a search, LOL! Get my drift!)
I hope everyone out there has a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year. I am so grateful to be alive, healthy, and sober today. I have enought to eat and a nice warm bed to sleep in at night. I have a God that loves me and guides me. I want for nothing to day. But if Santa see's fit to leave that "Coach Boyfriend" watch under the tree this year, I guess I will just have to accept it. LOL!
Thank you for listening.
Patty

2010-11-07T11:35:00.003-05:00

I cannot live my life today on yesterday's spirituality.

Five Years......

2010-10-24T09:23:00.000-04:00

Five years ago today I walked into my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. When they asked if there were any new people I raised my hand. "Introduce yourself ", I was told. I followed my first suggestion that day, and I was on my way! I said, "My name is Patty, and I think I am an alcoholic." I was welcomed, I felt welcome, I felt like I was home. That was the beginning, I "kept coming back." Eventually I got a sponsor and started working the 12 steps. Today I live the 12 steps. I practice these principles in all my affairs, to the best of my ability. I have done the work, I continue to do the work. I love my life. I love being sober!
Tonight I will go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I will take a cake. The cake will say THANK YOU. I will thank the group. I will thank God, because that is were the credit lies, and none with me. This program owes me nothing. Not a coin or applause. I owe this program my life. All I did was get desparate enough to walk in to a meeting. Five years ago today.
Thank You A.A.

(Old)Home-Group

2010-10-05T23:02:00.002-04:00

Last night I was feeling a little out of sorts. To say that I have been burnig the candle at both ends lately would be putting it mildly. I knew I needed a meeting though, and not just any meeting, I needed my homegroup. These are the folks that have known me since I was a few days sober. The ones I can lean on and know will always be there for me. And even though it has been awhile since I have been there, everyone welcomed me with open arms. Of course they did. We read pages 47-50 in the Big Book and afterward there were lots of hugs. Of course there was.

I love my homegroup.

By The Grace of God

2010-10-03T22:47:00.004-04:00

I think I change my blog template more than I actually blog lately. But the green grass and butterflies are definitely things of the past now. Fall has officially arrived here bringing cold air that requires hats. We built our first fire tonight to rid the house of a damp chill that crept in today during the damp, dreary, drizzle.
I finished a large school project late this afternoon and took my doggy for a walk. Dogs don't care if the sun is out, or if it is not. They don't care if it is a little drizzly and misty rainy. They are still very happy to have your company at the end of the leash for a brisk walk to the park.

Friday night, we finished step two in the little red book. It talked about how it is our privilege to seek the help of a Higher Power. Yes indeed. I feel so privileged today to have sought and found that power that has restored me to sanity, one day at a time. It also reminded us about the mental binges that lead to physical drunkenness and then to spiritual blackouts. I have been on mental binges and spiritual blackouts in sobriety. They are not pretty. Thank God none of them lead to physical drunkenness. Today I can read those words and honestly see myself in them and be so grateful for God's Grace on me. I needed God's Grace to get through that time and it was there. I was on a mental binge for the entire time I was sober. I did not know that I was, but now I can clearly see that I was. And, it is only by the Grace of God, and the people he put in my path, and the little miracles here and there, that I had the courage to do the footwork, and the stepwork and the counseling, to rid myself of my justified resentments, hate, fear, disgust and loathing and so much shame. All justified. But who was I hurting? Why couldn't I let it all go? I could not let it go until I 100% trusted God to take care of me, and them. By them, I mean the ones who had harmed me. The ones who raped, the ones who were the sickest of the sick. The evil ones. In a nutshell, I had to quit playing God. I had to leave the justice up to Him. It was hard! Because I was not aware that I was playing God! Imagine that! An alcoholic in denial about something so freaking obvious! When I was finally able to release all of those emotions, and it took some time, because I would release and then a whole new batch would come up, and I would have to deal with those and so on. Eventually though, I felt a new freedom and a new happiness the likes of which I have never felt in my entire life. And that came when I was finally ready to do the big F word........Forgive. Our Big Book tells us..."More will be revealed." What a loaded statement that is! I remember people telling me, "Don't leave until the miracle happens." I am so grateful that today I can say, "Which one?" There have been so many, and sometimes they may seem like really small insignificant things right at the moment, but they all add up to be my truly blessed life. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, and the 12 steps of recovery.

First Saturday of Autumn

2010-09-25T09:13:00.002-04:00

My posts have become few and far between, only because I spend the majority of my time studying. The good news is that it is really paying off in very, very good grades.
I cannot express how much I love nursing school. It is what I have been working towards for the last four years and now I just love it!

I feel closer to God than ever before. Forgiveness has been such a huge revelation in my life. My mom and I are writing back and forth to each other weekly. I look forward to her letters and she to mine. Last week she spoke of my stepfather and it did not bother me at all. I have been able to move past the anger and hate and allow God to make the judgements. It is all up to God and what a great relief that is! This whole experience has made my life so much more serene and "uncluttered" I had no idea how much all of this anger and hate was occupying my thoughts until I released it. Wow, there is a virtual gymnasium up there ready to be filled with nursing knowledge!

Last Saturday my kitty of 16 1/2 years passed away. He had a brain tumor and we knew it just a matter of time. He went fairly quickly, but it was not pleasant. Poor little guy. I kept telling him to go home and he finally did. Last night when I got home from meeting and pulled into the garage I looked for him to run in front of me and wait for me on the back porch. A Friday night ritual. Then it hit me and I remembered he was gone. There is a big empty space around here that he used to fill. Spooky was a very verbal kitty. He like to remind us that he needed treats and he needed them NOW. He would sit next to the pantry cupboard where the treats were kept and wait and wait. If eye contact was made you were screwed. Now he was going to follow you around meowing. I would tell him he was my handsome little man and he would throw himself down on the floor belly up. Spook was a good hunter in his day, but lately he would just meow at the backdoor with his "game" until he was acknowledged, and then release it. He would lay on the deck and watch the birds at the bird feeder all day and maybe every once in a while run them off, but mostly he was a retired kitty who liked to eat, pick on the dog, and lay on soft blankies. I miss him more than I ever thought I would.

I don't talk about it much here, but I am coming up on a very significant anniversary. A big milestone in my recovery. Aren't they all though? I am filled with so much gratitude right now. I feel like I have been on a pink cloud for the last few months! It is amazing. I have been enjoying moment of it too! I have not been waiting for the other shoe to drop like I used to before. I am happy and I feel that I deserve to be happy. God wants me to be happy, joyous and free. And that is exactly how I feel,despite Spooks death, yes that is sad, but that is living life on life's terms. It is what is. I do not have to wallow in sadness. I am still grieving. I will always miss him just like I miss all my kitties that have passed before him. The thought f picking up a drink over it never even occurred to me. I love my sober life.

Now, I must go and get some studying done because I am going to totally goof off tonight! I am going to a girlie facial party and then we are going to have an A.A. meeting around the bonfire. I am told there will be allot of really good food too. I will take a cake for my girlfriends eight year sober anniversary.

No School Today

2010-09-09T09:10:00.001-04:00

My clinical instructor called me at 5:30 AM this morning and told me we would not be having clinical today because she is sick. Now, don't get me wrong, but woo hoo, five days off and a huge test on Tuesday. Sorry she is sick, but I welcome having a Thursday off!

Today is my favorite daytime women's meeting. What a treat to be able to attend! I cannot wait!

Yesterday at 5 AM my dog got sprayed by a skunk. Not only did I have school, I had to go to an adult day care center after lab for the afternoon for a clinical experience. I remember my chemistry professor telling us a recipe for this very thing a couple of years back. I guess the old tomato juice theory that every one talks about really does not work. I looked it up online and goes as follows:

                                                                      1 Quart 3% hydrogen peroxide
                                                                      1/4 Cup of Baking Soda
                                                                      1 tsp. dish soap

I had a couple bottles of peroxide and the rest of the ingredients, so I was able to wash her face and head, (the worst hit) before I left for school. Of course I had to leave her out all day. For some insane reason my husband let her in the house right after it happened, so the house stunk too, a little. Thank God I have hard wood floors. The floors got a quikie job of sprinkling baking soda, pouring peroxide and then squirting dish soap. The entire fiasco began at 5, and now it was after 7 and I still had to shower, eat, pack a lunch, load my car, and get to class by 9. Finding a parking spot takes no less that thirty minutes, it is so crowded, but that is an entire post all by itself. Short story, long, I made it to class with 15 minutes to spare, but was convinced that I probably reeked of skunk. My classmates assured me that I did not, but I smelled it all day none the less.

The adult day care experience was a joy! We played hang man, trivia and had snow cones. I got to sit and visit with a World War II Army Vetran. Later he played the piano for us....wonderfully! I had a great time and I am thinking about seeing if I can volunteer there a couple of times a month. Gonna pray on it for a while and see what comes to me. Those folks really were a joy though and the staff was awesome too.

After that, it was off to Target for more peroxide and baking soda, oh, and a new collar too. I mixed up a galloon of the anti-skunk concoction and my husband I scrubbed and sniffed, and sniffed and scrubbed! It worked really well, she still has a little aroma to her, but she can come in the house and wants nothing but to lay in her bed today! She is not used to being outside all day, poor spoiled brat! By the time we got with that I was soaked from head to toe, so I decided, I might as well pull the plug on the pool. Holy crap! Was it cold in there! O.K. cleaned up the bath mess, took a shower and then realized I had not eaten all day. I looked at my husband, please take me to Olive Garden. Off we went, but that place was absolutely mobbed at 7:30 on a Wednesday night! We ended up at the old stand by and had prime rib!

God willing......on Saturday my husband and I will have been married for 17 years. I find it a little mind boggling myself! We were going to try and take a trip this weekend, maybe even to the ocean, but I really do need to study. So instead of packing everything up and going I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend of fall temps, maybe some cider and doughnuts, no cooking, and the sweetest man in the world by my side. We will probably revisit the spot where we took our vows in the park next to our house.

I feel so blessed today to have everything I need, and even what I want most of the time. I still have to pinch myself and say, "I am a student nurse!"

Labor Day Weekend

2010-09-05T11:52:00.001-04:00

The weather is just gorgeous! Cool, crisp, sunny, warm, breezy. All good stuff. Last night I made a campfire and sat out there with God and took everything in. I sat and listened to the crackle of the fire, and smelled the wonderful campfire smell as the stars slowly became visible in the evening sky. I just realized that this is most likely the labor day that I will actually be a card carrying member of a union. My heart is not particularly breaking over that, although I am very grateful for the union, and the people that sacrificed to make the unions possible.

Life is good. Life is real, real good. I am so grateful these days for so many, many things.

Today I am grateful for:

A loving God in my life, showing up for me, even when I do not seek Him.

To be able to recognize God showing up!

To not only be enrolled in college, but to be attending during the day for the first time, I love my schedule!

To be learning every day what it is going to take to be a nurse and being totally up for the challenge.

A wonderful network of friends who support me and cheer me on.

To still be able to get to meetings and take care of myself.

To really "get it" now when people talk about selling themselves short in their hopes and dreams. I would have never believed that being sober could ever be this wonderful. And it is not just the hopes and dreams coming true either , it is the overall sense of well being, love and gratitude that my heart is overflowing with on any given day.

Thank you A.A.'s, for giving me a God when I had none,

For loving me when I did not love myself

For continuously pointing me towards the steps and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, no matter what my "dilemma".

For keeping the doors open and the traditions in tact.

For passing it on, and encouraging me to do the same.

For showing me by example how to be grateful when it seems like I had nothing to be grateful for.

Have a great weekend everybody!

TGIF

2010-08-20T07:25:00.001-04:00

TGIF everybody. Gonna make this a quickie because I am up early ( for me), and want to get some studying done, so I can goof off later.

Things around here were a little, let's say, "volcano-ish", (I just made that word up.) But, not for naught as Grandma used to say. The air has been cleared, issues have been put out on the table and discussed. Tears have been shed, voices raised, hands held, loving words, hugs, a chapter is waiting to be written. I guess when you have been married as long as we have, every once in a while we have to clean out the closets. It feels as if an entirely new channel of communication has been opened up between us and we are off to a fresh start. It is a great feeling!

Nursing school has not even started yet and the pressure is on big time. Thanks goodness I have a study buddy, a girl that I got to know last summer in sociology. We have been keeping each other on task. We found out the other day that there were 20 chapters due to be read before the first day of class! They are very long info packed chapters too. I am not speed reading through them, ( I wish I could!) I am really trying to read, digest a little, and highlight along the way, I am getting there. I am hoping to have all of the reading done by Monday, and then I can have time to go over the chapter reviews etc. It is going to be pretty intense! Breathing helps! Speaking of which, I am going to sign off here so I can get to work.

If it were not for Alcoholics Anonymous, and the 12 steps, I would not be sober today, and i sure as heck would not be in college! I am so grateful!
Thank you A.A. Thank you for giving a God of my understanding that is looking over me and guiding me. I feel so blessed. I am living my dream! Yes I have 20 chapters to read and digest by Tuesday. But it 20 chapters of all nursing techniques. All stuff that is teaching how to a great nurse! Finally! It has been a long road!
Have a great weekend everybody!
Love, Patty

Easy Does It........Gratitude

2010-08-17T10:15:00.002-04:00

Good morning! I cannot even begin to tell you how much everyone's recent comments mean to me! School is a week away and I am already freaking out! Those muscles in the back of neck are already starting to tighten up... Breath.....Relax....Easy Does It!

Today I am grateful for:

A loving God in my life
The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Steps
To be clean and sober today
A loving, hard working, husband
My doggy and kitty, they bring me joy!
The privilege of being able to attend college
A warm perfect morning on the deck, writing my heart out!
Chick meetings, they rock in case you forgot, LOL!
All of the tedious, thankless chores I get to do today
Walks in the park, anytime I want to.
Sponsee's, thank you God!
Forgiveness, of my myself and others for all the big and small things, What an awesome gift to myself on so many levels.
The feeling that my spirituality is branching off into areas that I never knew existed.
Fresh tomatoes from the garden
Floating in the pool
Going for a bike ride
My entire life, and all the good and bad stuff that has brought me right here, right now to this moment
This day today
All of you who are reading this! XO

Post # 400

2010-08-13T07:50:00.001-04:00

Wow, my 400th post. The 400th that I published. There are many that never make it here, mostly whiny ones!
It has been a busy, busy week. I have ten more days off until I start school. I went and got my books the other day to the tune of $1016.00. There are 15 books in all, and this just for one class. I am so grateful I have all of my prerequisites finished. I could not imagine taking 10 or 12 more credits on top of this, but in reality, if I had started as a full time nursing student at the time I was put on the waiting list, that is exactly what I would have been doing. I am sure there are some students in my class that are doing exactly that. Whew! Thank God for waiting lists! Everything is unfolding in it's own perfect time for me.

Besides getting ready for school, (I have to go computer shopping today). I have been able to see and feel Gods love and presence in my life on an entirely different level these days. It feels as if I am seeing more and more things more clearly everyday. I know that is a lot of mores. I have been up since four, could not sleep, so please pardon my grammar and punctuation. But, anyway, not all of it is nice and it has been a constant effort to just love some of the people that are very close to me, and NOT take their inventory. Every night I get a big speech about this a-hole and that a-hole, and why can't they just be nice to me, if only they would smile etc. Umm, excuse me? Why don't you put your money where your mouth is you miserable person? I keep telling myself over and over again.....It's not about me, it's not about me. I even had the audacity to suggest the other day that everything may just not be about him either. Did not go over very well. Shame on me for holding the mirror up in his face. Why can't he see that he is treating me, the way he is complaining about how everyone else treats him? Sigh. I feel better having written it out. It has just been one of those weeks where I stand at the kitchen sink while the rant goes on and on, and pray silently, "God, please give me some of your love for this person today, because I just do not have any." So when I woke up this morning, my heart took a turn on the entire issue. This person obviously has very low self esteem, and I have never been able to see it before, because I thought all the yelling was all about me. While I try to not take the inventory and have compassion, I am human too, and do not necessarily like being spoken to in the tone of voice that is used for any length of time. SO if it escalates with no end in sight I simply leave the scene. Sometimes that means taking a walk or getting in my car and leaving. I can listen and be empathetic, but when it starts to feel abusive, adios. I have finally learned that I do not have to stand there and wait for him to change to make me OK. I am already OK, but I am going to stand over here in this positive light that I love, you are allowed to stay in your negativity as long as you wish!

On a brighter note, I did a fourth step with a sponsee on Sunday night and she just glowed afterward. To top everything off we went to a meeting right after and heard some awesome stuff that fit in with everything we had just discussed. Very cool.

Yesterday, with my heart open, I was able to help someone that I had a huge resentment towards not very long ago.

Despite the occasional downside to things, I have been especially grateful lately, for everything. I can feel myself going with the flow of life on so many levels. It is truly amazing!
Have a great Friday the 13th everybody!
(Hope this was not too whiny)

I am not superstitious, I was born on Friday the 13th! Lucky me!

Amazing Grace

2010-08-06T11:05:00.001-04:00

Good morning! So happy it is Friday, even though it means that there are only 17 more days until school starts! It really feels as if summer is totally winding down. It has been a good one for me, too. I have taken the time to rest and relax. I have several sewing projects in the works that I want to complete before school starts and that is what I will be focusing on in the next two weeks. I really hope I make them all come to fruition! Looks like I need to put the summer projects on the back burner until next year!

Friday night means my favorite meeting of the week and guess what else? I do not have to make coffee for the first time in over a year. WOOO HOOO! I had a dream last night that I showed up to the meeting at 8:55. It starts at 8. Pretty funny.

I have a list of things I really need to do this morning, like clean the cat box and run the sweeper and mop,mow the lawn, blah, blah, blah. Last night we had several storms and hopefully all of the humidity blew out of here. Right now I have the windows open and fans running, but that could all change. The day before yesterday I made 12 loaves of zucchini bread. They are going fast! My husband has been taking to work and I will take some to the meeting with me tonight.

That is about all that is going on in my world today. I received another letter from my Mom this week and it was very nice. I sat down and wrote back to her and it just flowed. Yesterday at a meeting about the 8th step a woman was talking about forgiveness. Not about being forgiven, but forgiving others. It so nice to be able to relate to what she was saying and to not tune it out like I would do before. I just did not want to hear it. But yesterday I could totally relate to the freedom and serenity that she spoke about. The weight being lifted off my shoulders. The more I work the steps and trust God, turn it over, the lighter my load gets. We have no clue how much we are actually carrying around with us until the burden is lifted. Kind of like the veils being removed, I always thought I could see things pretty clearly, then God removes these veils and suddenly my "vision" becomes so much clearer. All in God's time.
Reminds me of the song "Amazing Grace."
"I was once lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see."
Life is good and I am so grateful!

Tuesday Morning Bullets

2010-08-03T09:41:00.002-04:00

Good morning. Seems like my posts have been few and far between lately. Just not in much of a mood to write, it will probably change when school starts.
I got a really nice letter from my Mom and it made me cry....... good tears. I have not written back to her yet, but I am going to soon.
I got an invite to my oldest brothers 50th B-Day in Florida . My Mom will be there. I almost made a plane reservation, but ended up changing my mind.
Last Thursday I went to Nursing School orientation and had a great time. The class of 2011 put on a nice luncheon and gave us a lot of encouragement and support. I submitted my wish list in for my clinical locations, and if I get what I asked for I will be doing my training right up the street from my house during the second half of the semester.
So many things have become crystal clear to me this year. I feel as if I have walked out of a fog that I never realized I was in, until now. It is pretty cool, but also holds me accountable. God must believe I am ready. As the fog has lifted a wonderful feeling of "Calm Acceptance" has washed over me and it is really wonderful.
I started this blog on a search for "Calm Acceptance", and here I am full circle it seems. I never realized it until I started writing this morning either. Blogging pulls so much out of me that I never realize is there until I start typing.
The only credit I will give to myself is for having about a thimble full of willingness when my journey into recovery began, and I am sure that it had to come from God too.
I am one of those folks who sold myself and my hopes and dreams way short when I got here. I would have never believed that I could ever feel this good about living my life.
I would have never believed that I could love and accept other people the way I do today.
That's why we have to live this program one day at a time, because as alcoholics, there is no way in hell we could handle this much good all at once! It has to all come in God's time.
The more I put my trust in my Higher Power, the more enlightened, peaceful, serene and accepting I become. What a gift!
I am so grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps that have given me this wonderful life that I love living sober, one day at a time.

"We enjoy moments in which there is something like real piece of mind. To those of us who have hitherto known only excitement, depression or anxiety-in other words, to all of us-this newfound peace is a priceless gift. Something new indeed has been added. Where humility had formerly stood for a forced feeding on humble pie, it now begins to mean the nourishing ingredient which can give us serenity."
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 74

Monday Morning

2010-07-26T10:09:00.002-04:00

My mind has felt like a battle ground as of late and I have been trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Whenever I cannot stop focusing on another person's shortcomings, and how much they piss me off, I have to look at Patty, and what is going with her. I do not have to go into all of the gory details about what irks me about this person. Let's just say that it is a constant effort on my part when I am around her to put up and keep up my boundaries, and keep my mojo running smoothly. It is like being around a six year old in an adult body. A six year old that is constantly asking can I have this? Will you do that for me? I need you! I miss you! I love you! Ring any bells? Ah, yeah, so the six year old inside of me gets pissed off at me and her because I am allowing myself to be walked all over, and there is really no one else to blame in all of this except for "adult" Patty. SO, lets proceed in running this other person right down into to the ground, which we all know is so healthy and productive for Patty.....not! Unfortunately I have to get totally burned out on that entire mode of thinking before I can change it.

I did several inventories on this yesterday and could not put my finger on the exact nature of my wrongs. This morning I had a moment of clarity shortly after I got up and the bottom line is I resent this woman for "forcing" me to grow up. You see the type of relationship that she wants from me used to be quite normal for me. I let someone walk all over me, thinking that is what a good friend does. I do lots of things for this person in the spirit of unconditional love, yet there are many conditions. For one thing she needs to grow up and stop bugging me so I do not have to grow up! Growing up means sticking to my boundaries. Growing up means saying "No" when I want to, and "Yes" when I want to. Growing up means being kind and loving and accepting folks for who they are while I keep those boundaries in place. When someone annoys me for whatever reason, and usually that reason is because they are showing me something in ME that needs to change. I expect THEM to change to make me OK. That way, I do not have to look at what annoys ME about ME!

So, once again, acceptance is the key. Seeing this person "stuck" in a place that I had to work my ass off to get out of, does not have to bother me so much. Do I have to be her best friend? Hell no. BUT! I can still love her and accept her and maybe even try to help her grow out of where she is if she asks me. But it does not mean that I have to "enable" her by slipping back into my co-dependency and doing everything for her, and then eventually get pissed off.

Why is it so hard for me to be true to myself? It is because I am still learning how. I have never been true to myself. It feels weird. You might get pissed if I don't let you walk all over me. When I am around someone who is getting tons of attention and being taken care of while dislpaying all of my "old" character defects that I have has to work my ass off to see and pray away......I get pissed! Especially when it is working like a charm! BUT, thanks to the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous, I can learn from this and move on. I am so grateful that I no longer feel comfortable staying in a place of bitter resentment. My alcoholic mind will justify all of these resentments for me for a while, then it really starts becoming work to do so. Then, thank God, I have listened and learned just enough to finally stop and say, hey, wait a minute! What the hell is going on! See how this disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful? Now, the thought of a drink over all of this had not even occurred to me......yet. This disease is also very,very patient. While I am running around being pissed off over what I see now as trivial bullshit, my disease is out there doing push-ups just waiting for me to have that weak moment. That moment of the "F-it's". That moment where I will tell myself I "need a little something", "just one", "take the edge off." F these sickos in A.A. I am so grateful that today I did not go back to the old way. It is still out there waiting for me, waiting very patiently. I can never take my sobriety for granted or allow someone else to lead me away from it. As long as I stay in the steps, live the steps, all will be well. At least just for today, and that is more than enough!
Thanks for listening,
Patty

Post Script added this afternoon:
"Coincidences are God's way of being anonymous." Author Unknown

Shortly after I wrote this post, my phone rang, it was the person I had done the inventories on. She was having a very bad day, was in tears and just needed someone to listen. I listened and then we talked, next thing I knew we were laughing together. She thanked me over and over for answering my phone. Had I not done the step-work, I may have rolled my eyes at that call and let voice mail pick it up. God is so good.

Peaceful, Easy, Feeling........

2010-07-16T08:18:00.001-04:00

It has been quite a week!

I went back to work this week and I made it through forty hours of working outside in extreme heat. I swear there were times I really felt like I was melting like a Popsicle! Throw in a hotflash here and there and holy crap! I did it though and gave an honest days work every day. Thank God I am changing careers though!

I am soooooo excited about the "Little Red Book" meeting one year anniversary tonight! One year already. Who knew? Well, God knew. I still have a few finishing touches to put on the archive and meeting format I will be reading and following tonight.

Finally:

On Sunday morning I finished the letter to my Mom. It was very, kind, loving, positive, to the point and honest. I put it in an envelope and drove down to the post office. Before I placed it in the mail box I held it to my heart and said "I love you." I place a big kiss on the front of it and put it in the mail. It is completely out of my hands now. I have no idea what the outcome will be. I have no expectations, although I did have a dream about it last night. I have to leave the entire situation in God's hands. That seems to have worked out for the best so far. ;)

I feel so free, and also more than that. I feel cleansed. I feel so protected and loved by my Higher Power today. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have everything I ever needed and ever will need. The best part is that I know as long as I keep working the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and turning everything over to my Higher Power, I will continue to grow and live life to the fullest.

I have a big agenda for today and most of it is really good stuff. I am so sore from using a bunch of muscles this week that I forgot I had. I think I will go swim a few laps and then hit the whirlpool. I have an appointment to get my hair done, shopping to do, and cleaning and laundry. I am getting up early tomorrow morning and going to Southern Ohio for "Meeting on the River." There is also going to be lunch out and shopping!

I am so grateful today for everything I have been through that has brought me right to where I am right now in this moment. When I think back on how hopeless I was about my life five years ago. Five years ago, was the beginning of the end for me. I am so grateful that the "end" lead me to Alcoholics Anonymous and not my grave. Look at how much life I was meant to live, one day at a time! Thank You God! Thank you fellows in A.A. for keeping the doors open for me!
Have a great weekend everyone!
Love, Patty

Seven-Ten-Ten

2010-07-10T09:37:00.001-04:00

Good morning! The scorching heat and humidity have left us up here. It is very sunny and pleasant this morning. Last night we had a great meeting and got all of the final details ironed out for our one year anniversary next week. We are all so excited! I cannot believe that it has been a year already. Lately we have been averaging between 12-16 women a week which seems to be just right. The other cool part is that we finished the "Little Red Book" last night, so after our anniversary, we will starting all over. How cool is that? Totally unplanned!

Of course, you know me, things are just going way too smoothly, so guess what? That's right, I got called back to work. I have to report for duty a 5:30 AM sharp on Monday. As a result of that, I had to delegate more responsibilities, so it is all good! I am so grateful to have the opportunity to earn some money this summer. I have no idea how long the job will last or anything like that, every little bit helps.

The next two following weekends I have plans to do some really fun stuff too. One Saturday is a riverboat ride/meeting on the Ohio River. I have never gone before and I can't wait! Then the next Saturday I am going to a one day meditation retreat at a Garden Center in the country. Looking forward to that too. Great shopping there also! All of this is dependent on having time off from work now, of course. I was really hoping my husband and I could get to the beach this summer as I will be in school next summer. Guess we will have to see about that. If we stay home and relax on our deck for the rest of the summer that is more than fine with me too. I need to get some pics up of it. I made the cutest little "girlie corner" out there. All pink and white. My husband even helped me paint the chairs. He is such a dear. Are things perfect? Hell no, but they are pretty great lately.
I had a great session with my counselor on Thursday. She really helps me to clear some of the clutter out of my brain at times. Prioritize my priorities so to speak. I worry about things that are so irrelevant sometimes. She helped with the letter to my Mom a little too, and it will be going out in the mail within a day or two. I feel really good about the whole thing.

I feel so blessed today and I attribute it all to God's Grace. All I did was walk into a church basement hopeless as hell. I would have never believed that I would ever feel good about my life, myself and especially God. A.A. has given me all of those things and so much more. For that I can never be grateful enough.
Namaste,
Patty

The Dog Days of Summer

2010-07-07T08:39:00.001-04:00

This is what I wait all winter for! It has been a hot one all week and I have been loving it! I hope everyone out there is enjoying summer as much as I am! No summer classes this year! Yippee. Next summer will be a different story, though. But, hey! Why worry about that now?

I have been working on the letter to my Mom for the last couple of days. It is a lesson in surrender while keeping my boundaries in tact. I am grateful to have an appointment with my counselor on Thursday. I have been using my counselor more than my sponsor lately. Still waiting for word from above on what to do in that situation. When I do not know what to do, I do what is in front of me until the right thought or action comes. (paraphrased from the BB)

My friend is coming over today for a swim and then we will go to an early evening meeting together. I am picking up a new girl. I am so grateful today for my entire life right up to this very moment. Thank you God for making me who I am.

All is Well

2010-07-01T09:34:00.000-04:00

I was actually going to make this a farewell post,but I guess I am not ready yet, because a bunch of stuff came pouring out. I have been very busy, not really much of anything, cleaning, going to meetings. The other day I almost got run over by the tractor trying to keep it from going into the creek, so once again I am a hurting unit. I am going to wash my curtains today and hang them on the line. I might even take all the covers of the couch cushions and pillows and wash them, that is about as adventurous as it gets for me today!

My relationship with my sponsor has gone through a drastic change. God reveals things to us when we are ready. At first I thought I was seeing a person in her that never existed before, and then I realized that she has always been this way, I was just unable to see it, with her up on that pedestal and all. I am not making any major decisions about what to do yet, but so far prayer has lead me to the conclusion that I can love and accept her for who she is. The whole experience has brought me closer to God, and given me a broader understanding of myself.

I have started to pray for all that have harmed me. I no longer wish any ill will on anyone for anything they have done to me. This has been a long, long time coming and it really feels right and good for me (finally). I honestly never thought that it would. When I would hear other people talk about forgiveness I would think they were full of crap. But now, here I am. I am so grateful that I had a sponsor and a counselor that encouraged me to get mad as hell first, and for as long as I needed. I do not need to be mad, resentful and hateful anymore. I have no idea what my true purpose in life is. I do not know what God's plan is for me. But, I do know that it is not to hate others and be hateful. God wants me to love. God is love.

I am so, so grateful to be coming out on the other side of this. It is so easy to stay stuck in the place that I was, that hurtful, place where I was always the victim. I had to stay there until I got really, really sick of it.

I am all ready for nursing school. I have all the funds in order. Uniforms ordered. Shots,physical. I take my basic lifesaving class later this month and all of my ducks will be in a row and I will be ready to hand in everything on my checklist. I am so excited! I have no idea what will happen with the work/unemployment picture. I did apply for a couple of jobs this week. It is all in God's hands. The footwork has been done by me, the rest is up to my Higher Power.

I hope everyone has a great Forth of July weekend!

Wednesday Morning

2010-06-16T09:50:00.001-04:00

Good morning!
No more excuses for why I have not been here. I have been busy not blogging, LOL!

Founders Day was absolutely wonderful! Totally unplanned and off the cuff. I ended up spending the day with my friend Kim. We went to a few meetings and then before the big meeting Saturday night we went to this Lebanese restaurant off the beaten trail and had an awesome dinner. With the exception of two little 9 oz. coca colas, I stayed on my diet all weekend. Even brought my husband home a piece of chocoholic chocolate cake. I did not attend as many of the step panels as I like to on Friday. I was just out of sorts. Almost grabbed my friends cigarette right out of her hand and sucked it down. I left early and came home. It all worked out just as it was supposed to. I had a nice dinner with my husband and headed out to make coffee for my home group. Shortly after I arrived at the church, two girls showed up to help me. What a blessing! There were six of us there that night. Seven counting God, because the presence was overwhelming for me. Afterward we had a little Group Conscious meeting and got some stuff organized for our anniversary. Our one year is coming up in one month! God is so good!

Some family stuff has come up, and it is because of me. I have been on Facebook and I have been in contact with family members I have not talked to in years. Sad as it sounds, I am talking about brothers and sisters. That has been wonderful. Some other people have tried to contact me and I am so grateful that I am able to say, "No". It is so freeing to be able to take care of myself.

I saw a picture of my Mom on my sister-in-laws page the other day. It was from her birthday in April. She looked really sad and tired. If you have read my story, then you know the dynamic between us. It is what it is. BUT! The good thing is that having seen that picture caused a few small revelations to occur in me. There was no guilt on my part, but compassion, I am ready to pray for her.

While I was at Founders Day, I broke the 6th tradition and perused the off site vendors. Now, I did not buy anything that had the AA name or triangle on it, I know better than that today. But, I did buy a little set of dog tags that I am wearing right now. They say, "Grace" and "Forgiveness." God has given me so much grace, I am praying I am able to give forgiveness. If you really, really know me, you know that this has been a long road for me to even want this in my recovery. But it really feels right today. I am so grateful that I did not try and force it before it was time. Well, I did and ended up with the nervous breakdown. LOL! Hey, who ever thought you would see a "LOL" after that statement! I pray that life is settling down after several months of emotional purging. I am starting to take care of myself again. By eating good food, exercising, and trying not to overdo. Balance! What a joke! But seriously. I feel so peaceful and serene today. I feel like the boundaries are in place and working. I am doing what I need to do for Patty to recover. I am going to the meetings I want to go to, when I want to go. I am spending more time with my husband and have cut back a little on the service work. I am saying "No", when I want, and "Yes" when I want. I do not feel like I owe people long explanations or excuses either. Very freeing!

Now it is time for me to move along and get busy today. I will never give up blogging! I love being anonymous and being able to say whatever I want, without someone saying, "I can't believe you said that!" "What if so and so finds out." No secrets here, but some of the things I say may be hurtful to some people. My brothers have no idea that their father is a molester and a predator. I can see no purpose in telling them about this especially since they do not have any children (yet). I do not wish to be hurtful to anyone. On the other hand, I do not have to keep the secret anymore either.
I am so grateful for my life today exactly as it is!
Thank you God!
Thank you AA.
Thank you fellow alcoholics for keeping the doors open and the traditions alive.
Thanks for saving a seat for me in this wonderful fellowship!

Friday Morning Bullets

2010-06-11T07:42:00.001-04:00

Good morning! Once again I apologize for the long absence!

It is with a heart full of gratitudee that I write this post a clean and sober woman today as I prepare to head to Akron Ohio and visit the very place where Bill Wilson and Dr. Robert Smith first met. I feel so so blessed to live down the road from there.
Even though it is Founders Day, I will still have my woman's meeting tonight. Founders Day is a wonderful thing, but we must still keep the doors open for the newcomer who has no clue who Bill and Bob are, and may be coming to their first meeting.
In other news, the deck is finished except for a little this and that. What a glorious feeling! It really went on way too long! But it is over now.
My arm is feeling much, much better! (Thank goodness). I even ended up having pain meds left over. (miracles never cease!)
I apologize for being such a lazy blogger. I guess I am more of a winter blogger when there is not much to do and I am housebound most of the time.
I have been trying to slow down as the feeling of being a "human doing" rather a human 'being" starts to creep in.
In 72 days I start nursing school. I am going to savor every one of them!
Bye for now! Have a blessed day everyone!

Friday Morning Gratitude

2010-06-04T09:00:00.002-04:00

It has a been a heck of a week. When I am having a stretch of time like this, it is so easy for me to sink into self pity. Then, reality hits, and I am made aware of just how wonderful my life is even with all of it's bruises, scrapes and pains, arguments, family dysfunction, commitments,disappointments and moments of clarity.

Yesterday morning I found out that a friend and member of our fellowship had taken her life over the weekend.

This bit of horrible news made all of my problems seem very small. It also made me ever so grateful all at once.

God, thank you so much.......

for the life you have given me.

and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that lead me to you.

God, thank you,

..... for the people that you have placed in my path to teach me the lessons I need to learn.

......your unconditional love that you given to others so that they could pass it on to me, and I could pass on to others as well.

.....teaching me one day at a time, how to deal with "life on life's terms." I am just now understanding what that means, and it has brought me so much peace and serenity.

God, thank you for granting me the serenity,

to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am so grateful that:

I "got it" when I needed to.

I have the capacity to be honest.

I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober.

I still believe in a (non-human) power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity.

I am so grateful to be grateful!

To have a commitment to make coffee for an AA meeting tonight.

For this moment right now, today and for all of the moments, good and bad that have lead me here, and made me the woman I am today.

I feel so blessed,

For that I am eternally grateful!

Checking In

2010-06-01T09:16:00.002-04:00

Excuse my abscence. I have been really busy helping with the new deck and oh yeah, falling down.....again. WTF? This time the result of wet stairs and super cheapo flip flops. Sunday night was spent in the ER. I thought I had broke my arm, but just a badly bruised tendon, possibly bruised bone. My entire arm hurts from my thumb all the way up to the shoulder. I have never been in that much pain before and was very scared. The entire thing is all black and blue and nasty. They kept asking me over and over how it happened. I think they thought that my extremely pissed off husband did it. Thats a whole other story. No sympathy or warm fuzzies around here. All of these falls and injuries this month, God is showing that I really need to take of myself and not expect anything from anyone, it just makes it hurt more. Typing does not feel very good on it either so I will say hasta la vista for now.

Just For Today.........

2010-05-20T07:43:00.001-04:00

Just for Today:

I will be grateful for all that I have, knowing it is all that I need.

I will turn to my Higher Power for guidance throughout my day

I will put healthy things into my body

I will do a good deed for someone and (try hard) to not get found out (I hope)

I will be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle

(thanks Fireblossom)

I will have the honor and privilege of chairing a women's AA meeting on step five.

I will do something nice for myself!

P.S.

May 18th was my one year anniversary of being smoke and nicotine free! What a blessing! If I can quit, you can too! One Day at a Time.

Sunday Morning

2010-05-16T09:36:00.002-04:00

It is a beautiful, sunny, Sunday morning. The promise of a laid back and peaceful day is on the horizon. I guess you would not just assume this, but a laid-back day of rest around here is a rare thing. The deck is as finished as it can be until the rest of the building materials we ordered arrive. I do not know if I mentioned this or not but, I fell yet again on Wednesday. I am a hurting unit and have decided that the deck Gods are not liking me much. So I am sworn off to making lunch and lemonade. I swear! In twelve years of being a construction laborer, I have never injured myself like I have been injured on this home improvement project! The good news is that the entire thing has been a testament to my strong bones!

Step 12 has been very predominate in my life this month. Not just with carry the message to another alcoholic, but also in a "practicing these principles in all our affairs" sort of way. I have been around someone this entire week who used to "drive me to drink" so to speak. This week, with the help of the steps and the A.A. program, I was able to accept this person, and see them as a loving child of God. I also was able to set up boundaries, and so was my husband. How cool is that?

I finished a pair of capri pants yesterday, and today I am going to start a halter dress. I was a little ticked off when I followed the instructions and the measurements to the letter, and they were too snug. So I had to seam rip everything and go from a 5/8" seam to a 1/4 " seam. UGH! But now they fit me perfectly. Times have changed in the sewing world. it always used to be that patterns ran huge! Now the opposite is true. SO, I will return to the store today and buy a new pattern so I can cut it out in the next size up.

It feels so great to NOT have a test to study for, lab report to write, or research paper to be working on. I am savoring every moment of this time off from school. I do have to take BLS (Basic Life Saving) class before July 29th. I have an eye exam on Tuesday and I am hoping I can start wearing contacts. If nothing else I will be getting new frames. I have been wearing my old glasses for the last couple of months and I hate them!

I feel like I am rambling now, so I will close. All in all I am very, very grateful to be alive and sober on this beautiful Sunday morning. I slept very soundly, and awoke with very sore back and shoulders, but without a hangover...again. It is a wonderful feeling. I love being sober. I love AA. I am so grateful!

Have a great Sunday everybody!

I Love Pasta

2010-05-13T09:15:00.001-04:00