Merry Christmas

Good morning! It has been a wonderful week full of rest and relaxation!

I was able to spend a few hours with my sponsor the other day and that was really nice too.  She felt really bad for missing my calls and told me if anything like what happened a few weeks ago ever happens again and she does not answer her phone, I am to come straight to her house, no matter what, day or night.  You have no idea how much it means to me to have someone  tell me that.  She also told me that, in case I did not know, she is my biggest cheerleader, and she is not there to scold me, or brow beat me, or judge me, but to love and support me.  To top it all off, she gave a beautiful floral arrangement that she made with greenery, silk flowers and a candle.   She makes them for all of her friends and sponsee's every Christmas, and it really felt nice to know that I was thought of.

Yesterday my husbands sister stopped over for a visit and it was really nice.  I don't know if I ever wrote about it before, but his family (parents) have never done Christmas.  She recently moved very close to us where as before she was about half an hour away. The nieces will be home from college tomorrow and I asked her if we could stop over and see her new house and visit.  She said she would love to have us.  Holy crap, I may be spending some time with family this Christmas!!!!

Today I will go out and finish my Christmas shopping!  I know!  My Santa pics are supposed to be in sometime today, so I will be heading in that general direction.  I just asked the husband how he feels about giving the nieces gift cards when we go over tomorrow, he said no!  Just give them cash, Yay!  What was I thinking?  What does every college student want/need?
SO I guess I will go for now.  I wish all of the most blessed holiday possible!
Patty

Winter Solstice

Today was officially one week off school.  I have stopped the heavy sighing, but the naps whenever I feel like it have not gotten old yet!  It has been raining like crazy, but still no snow!  it was actually in the 50's all day today!

I am a little disappointed tonight.  Remember I wrote about loading all the critters up and getting our picture taken with Santa?  It seems Santa is somewhat of a Grinch, because I still do not have pictures, and no one at the store knows where he is.  None of the other customers have received their pictures, a return phone call or anything and some of these people got theirs taken a week before I did.  Of course I paid cash in advance. I was supposed to be able to pick them up at the store yesterday at the very latest.  As of five pm this evening, I was told by the store clerk they have been mailed!  Oh boy!  Tomorrow I will do a plan B which is set up my tripod, set the timer and hope for the best with us all in front of the Christmas tree. 

I found out this morning that one of my classmates did not pass the semester.  I am so sad for her!  There but for the Grace of God go I.  This is so hard!  I told her that too.  She said "I suppose everyone will be making snide remarks and judging me."  Heh, heh.  They better not do it in front of me sister, or they will be getting an earful.  AA taught me, " we do not shoot our wounded."  I will apply this principle in nursing school as well.  I have seen women come back in the program after having to wait a year to retake a class.  I always tell them, you should not hang your head, you had the guts to finish what you started, not everyone could do it.  I have seen women in my class that have had to go through stuff you never want to imagine going through in your life, like, husbands cheating, unplanned pregnancies, house fires, deaths, and still made it through.  We nurses are tough!

On a different note....I heard from my sponsor.  She is doing pretty good, but still cannot drive.  When I was going through my recent rough time, she was preparing to go back and have surgery for an injury that she sustained last summer.  She had many complications from the original surgery.  Anyway, I am sure that is why my texts and voicemails were overlooked or lost.  She has many friends and I am sure she was being bombarded with prayers and well wishes.  Besides,  I think everything happened the way it was supposed to for me.  My old sponsor told me, sometimes there is a reason when no one answers the phone...it means you need to get on your knees.  She was right ,and that is what I did. I found that no human power could keep me sane or sober, but God sure could!
Tomorrow morning I am picking her up and we are going to the women's meeting together.  Then we will go to lunch.  I am looking forward to seeing her and spending time with her.
And now I must go to bed. 
Good Night!
Patty

Big Sigh of Relief

Good morning!  Thanks so much for all the sweet comments on my last post.  It really means so much.  It always feels so good to just get it out all out of my head!  You are not going to believe this but by that very evening, the entire hubby situation had turned around.  In fact he surprised me with an early Christmas present, a beautiful sheep skin for my office chair, which came in very handy while I was studying for finals.

Speaking of finals........I passed mine with the highest grade I have ever gotten on a final since I have been in nursing school.  I also completely knocked the practice NCLEX (HESI) tests right out of the ball park and scored well above the margin set in order to get two points added to my final test grade.  I am over the moon!  If it sounds like I am bragging, well I guess I am.  I have never worked so hard at anything ever in my whole life, and there were definitely a couple of times this semester that I was genuinely concerned about even passing. NOW, having said that: None of this would have been possible without my Higher Power.  More than once even in the last month or so I have felt like totally throwing the towel on everything, but Higher Power and the principles of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, kept me sober and on task.  Reading your blogs, staying in this day as Pam always says.  Telling myself, "You can smoke, drink and quit nursing school tomorrow, but for right now, just stay in today and see what God has in store for you, it could be the best of your life yet, you don't know"  I learned that here, in blog land. 

Yesterday I went to one of my favorite women's meetings during the day that I have not been able to attend since August because of school.  It was their annual Christmas party!  I felt bad that I did not bring anything, they said we are so glad to see you!  During the regular meeting the chairwoman, one of the original founders of this 30 plus year old meeting spoke on step 12.  I heard so much I needed to hear!  My favorite part was when she talked about sobriety vs. sodriety.  And also about how we are  powerless over alcohol and there is a drink waiting for me on a table over in China.  That may seem far away, but if I don't work the steps and follow the program everyday, I will be taking a step closer to that drink, and before I know it, I will be getting on a boat to China.  This really resonated with me, because I think as far me working the steps goes, I have been on a deck on the west coast waiting for a boat to China.   I have not been "stepping" away from that drink, I have been "stepping" towards it. Perhaps some of you who come here are not as surprised by my revelation as I am, ha, ha.  Thanks for loving me anyway until I was able to hear what I needed to hear.

It feels so wonderful to relax and decompress.  I had no idea just how wound up I was.  I keep taking these huge deep cleansing breaths and it feels wonderful!  Last night I gave the doggie a bath, much to her dismay.  She is getting old and does not like to go up or down stairs anymore and I had quite a time getting her into the tub, I think that had a little to do with her eyesight too.  Later this afternoon my girlfriend's nine year old daughter who we refer to as the "animal whisperer", is going to help me take the big dog and two cats to the pet store to get our picture taken with santa.  Hubby's Christmas present. It should be interesting!  But this nine year old little girl knows how to handle this 100+ pound dog!  She is a doll!

Now I must sign off as I have errands to run today,and I actually got an embroidery job to do just in time for Chistmas.  I will be on break until January 16th.  I already got my reading assignments for the first week of school, but they will have to wait until after the first of the year.  I in no way want to loose my momentum but a break is in order.  Meanwhile I plan on spending lots of time sewing and reading.  I have, "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson, (hope I can finish it before the movie comes out on the 22nd), and another titled "Little Bee" by Chris Cleave.  I will be stopping by here as well, but for now I am off.  Thanks for listening and being here blogger friends.
Patty

Blah, blah, blah........

To blog, or not to blog?  I read the blogs of others and everyone is so optimistic and positive most of the time. Or , at least seem to be living in the solution rather than the problem.  I really feel lost.  Half the time I feel as if I am down in a well, all alone.  Pam wrote about feeling like an orphan, guess I have felt that way almost my entire life.  And now after recent events it really feels that way.  I hate this.  To top it all off, my husband is in some kind of funk as well.  Maybe he is feeling like an orphan too.  I know he hates his job and wants to get layed off.  You heard me right, wants to be let go until spring.  That really pisses me off especially when I think of how many winters I worked outside, in the cold over 40 hours a week AND attended college part time. So many nights I came home crying, wishing I could just quit.  But I didn't!!!  It's weird, Friday night he was jubilant and happy when I got home, drinking and partying in the garage with his friend. As funky as my crazy ass self has been lately, I had no desire to join them.  I came inside and happily studied for my final.  God's grace is amazing.

So I have no idea what the deal is today.  But I hate it.  There is no eye contact, no initiation of conversation.  If I ask a question I get a one syllable answer or "I don't care."  I do know one thing.  I did nothing wrong.  The kitties are on the shit list for getting on the counter last night and investigating some shrimp that was thawing up there, (while he was passed out in the chair).  That is the most I have heard from him.  "Kick them all out!!!"  Ah, no mister, no kitties are getting kicked out of this house.  Secret:  Later while cleaning the kitchen, I found a raw shrimp wrapped up in my kitchen throw rug.  I had a little chuckle over that!

I also have been having more and more fear of the horrific.  Now it seems more and more people are coming forward and accusing these men of sexual abuse.  I know they (my family) watch the news and see this.  I am afraid they will try to harm me in some way so I am not able to talk to the media. My counselor told me it is totally natural for me to feel this way and it will fade, and it does, until someone comes out on the news. I have no intention of doing that, and as far as the law is concerned, all of my abusers are safe since the statute of limitations has long since passed.  Some days it is really intense in a weird angel/devil sort of way.  OMG that sounds so freakin nuts!  But there I said it out loud.  I have had some really weird experiences lately where people who have no idea of anything about me come up to me and say the most off the wall yet appropriate stuff most positive, some really negative, or at least that is how I take it (of course).  Anyway, I guess now I really do sound crazy.  I know that all of this shall pass.  I been through times like this before and when I feel all alone in the world with no human to comfort me, it always brings me closer to my God.  I will continue to search for the blessing in all of this.  I have been praying, and by the grace of God I am still sober, alive and kicking.  Thank you for listening.

Patty

Tuesday Morning

Enjoying some Christmas music this morning while I  have my coffee and blog.  Last night I "accidentally" went to bed at 6:30.  I guess I must have needed the rest!  School is winding down and I am so grateful for the piece of mind I have been graced with.

I am also  grateful for all of your blogs I have been reading lately, reminding me of the reason for the season.  Although I have not found it neccesary to pick up a drink during the holidays for the last few years or so.  I have however, managed to go out and abuse my credit card only to regret it later.  So, my goal this holiday season is to refrain from any sort of bingeing.

Now it is time for me to get on with the rest of this day God has graced me with.