Good Stuff

Yesterday I spent  a very nice morning/afternoon shopping with my husband in Amish country.  We went here,  here ,and here.

Itr really felt good to relax and have some fun.  No, school is not over yet.  Monday was our last unit test.  This week is our last week of clinicals. Final is Dec.12th, practice NCLEX is Dec. 14th, then home free for a month off.

Today they gave us  our test grades from Monday's test. We usually have to wait a week.  I passed with flying colors!!!!!!! 87%!  My best grade all semester.  It may not sound that earth shattering to some of you, but I had to work my butt off for that 87 and I am so, so grateful!  Now I can go into the final with a cushion.  I am so relieved.  I have been decompressing all evening.  I had to post this news because I know you have been praying for me out there.  Now I must get back to my studies.
Good Night!
Patty

Saturday Morning

Just a quick post for a change.  Thanksgiving was nice.  Very small, but nice.  I am not ashamed to say I have been in my pajamas for two days now, studying, and grazing on Thanksgiving leftovers.  I will be taking a shower and getting dressed here in the next little bit.  We are going shopping.

I think my husband has a bit of a family hangover.  I know he loves the family that was here, but sometimes their prescence amplifies the abscence of his youngest brother and his father, both of whom have passed. He was very close to both of them.  He seems better today, but the last 24 hours have been difficult.  It has taken me many years to just let him go through what he has to go through and not constantly ask, "What's wrong?", "Are you mad at me?"  It is not about me.  The 12 steps taught me that.

I reached out to someone in AA yesterday and today she returned my call. We ae going to have a chat later, she was on her way to a meeting, but wanted to return my call, so very nice.  I am so blessed to have so many people in my life that love me and care about me.  Some of them even "get" me!  Bonus!

Now I must get back to my studies.  Test on Monday will be one more down and three to go in the next two weeks...then break.

Thanks so much to all of you who have been praying for me.  I can really feel it.  Acceptance is returning to my heart and along with it, peace and love. I have been praying also.

I linked on one my followers blogs this morning.  If you ever want a nice positive place to stop and visit, stop by here.  It is a nice place to visit and take in the sights and sounds.
Have a great rest of your weekend everybody and thanks for stopping by.
Patty

A New Beginning

The great thing about being alive and sober.  I can start my day, life, week, year, over any time.  I guess the sober part plays in because when I was drunk, I was not aware of any other options except to drink and wallow in my self pity.  A viscious cycle Ihave been stuck in for a while now, minus the alcohol. But the insane thinking was there. 


Then the dream last night.  I was in a restaurant with my entire family.  I drank and drank and drank.  Guess what?  Nothing changed!  No one changed.  Except me.....I became more insane.


I am very grateful:


God's Grace


I did not drink


My husband who has loved and supported me unconditionally through this.


Friends that listened and loved me while I wallowed.


To be able to cook dinner for my husbands our family tomorrow.


Kind and loving "kick in the butt" from a blogger friend, just what I needed.


.......and hopeful this is the tip of the iceberg of a lot of stuff I have been going through in the last few months, I feel different about a lot of things this morning, like I have come full circle.


I am ready to move on.

The Aftermath

Why am I surprised that there is one?  I feel so damn screwed up.  Last night I talked to my oldest brother.  He told me that I really should have checked my motives before I threw a hand grenade into the middle of the family like that, and before the holidays and all too.  I almost fell over.  I told him my only motive was to protect a child and do what I think is right.  He said I am not going to have this discussion with you, but I will tell you that "T" was so upset he was physically sick and missed work. 

I tried to contact them and see if they were OK.
I was told, yes we are OK, a lot of positive things have come from this, but we are ready to move forward. 
I said I would love to know what the positive things are?
We do not want to discuss it. 
OK, I will leave alone. 
Thank you.

I am the bad guy.  No one is on my side.  I am the crazy liar.

I am so pissed and sad.  I would be lying if I said I have not thought about drinking.   I have put out a couple of calls to AA's, but have not heard back from anyone yet.  The tears really do help.

 I took my skills test today and passed most of it.  I have to go in on Monday and say: " A person with A+ blood can recieve A- blood because that is one I forgot.  I would have swore I said it, God knows she tried to drag it out of me.  I guess omitting it is not as bad as saying the wrong one, my error would not neccesarily kill anyone, well unless they were bleeding to death and had A+ blood, because I would not have given it to them.  Tell ya one thing, I will never forget it now!

Little by little I am letting this go.  It hurts more than I ever imagined it would.

Monday Morning

I have sat here several times in the past two weeks not knowing where to start.  It all sounds like a negative ranting bitch session.  I am almost finished with the semester.  I am still gratefully sober. I am still gratefully passing.  Sponsor?  I don't think so.  I never thought a woman in her early 60's would practically insist on staying in contact by text message.  I am not into it.  Texts get lost in the shuffle.  Seems that all of my texts and voice mails got lost in the shuffle this week.
 I left message: 
Please call me back I really need to talk. 
I get a text: Where have you been?  I miss you? Love you!
 (I think "Love you" is her signature-irritating)
I return a text: I am going through a bit of hell this week, please call me back!
No response for the rest of the week....until yesterday, she answered her phone and then I was not able to get a word in edgewise. I mean not one word!  LOL!  I exaggerate, I did say Hi and Bye!


OK, not feeling sorry for myself over this, Chalk up another one! It's all good, she has way too much on her plate. I just really could have used a sympathetic ear this week, and I found one.  I went to talk to my counselor.  So it cost me a hundred bucks, because I no longer have insurance, thank God I have a little job and just got paid.  She told me what I needed to hear to and she listened while I cried. She validated me, and told me what I was feeling was totally natural and would not last long, she was right!  Having written this, it is embarrassingly pathetic.


The bit of hell I am referring to is some family stuff that has reared it's ugly head again.  This whole Penn State thing has really about made me sick on daily basis.  It is hard to stay away from it.  Anyway, if you have ever read my story, at the very end I make a promise to my Mom that if there are ever any grandchildren I will tell the parents.  Well, there has been a grandchild for several months, and the Penn State thing triggered some nightmares for me involving this innocent child and it's grandfather.  I guess the e-mails from my mom had something to do with it also, with her saying things like, " We are so excited about babysitting 'B' this week!" She really has no clue how the very small two letter word "we" literally about made me throw up. So, I called the child's mother, and I told her.  Amazingly, she was not as surprised as I thought she would be.  She has been abused as well, and said, I always had this weird feeling around him.  I told her, her instincts were 100% correct.  I was very careful in choosing my words.  This was in no way any sort of vendetta.  We talked for about an hour, and then an hour later, my brother called,.  He is actually my half brother, my abuser, (stepfather) is his father.  We talked, he had to hear it directly from me and I told him, yes, it happened, yes, it is true.


The next day I thought I was totally OK and felt pretty good about things, relieved, walked through the fear....again, did the right thing, I think?  I went to school for open lab to practice for an upcoming skills test.  I looked in the door and it was very crowded in there.  My little voice said, "Don't go in there."  I did not listen.  Long story short, I had three people come up to me and start asking questions right off the bat.  I kept backing up, and backing up and they kept coming in.  One had a book in my face, the other had papers in my face.  Everyone meant well.  I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I said look out!  I gotta get out of here!  I ran to the bathroom and started crying hysterically.  I was overwhelmed with fear.  I just knew He was coming to kill me, I just knew it.  As soon as this thought materialized in my brain I really got scared.  I am totally losing it! Oh, my God.  I stayed in there for a very long time unable to compose myself.  I would calm down a little and then it would start all over again.  It actually felt very good to cry and cry and cry.  I finally got a little composure and was able to come out.  I found a table a ways down the hall from lab and said, OK, I can get my shit together and go back in there in just a bit.  I sat there looking at my book and the tears just ran like a river.  I took out my phone and left my sponsor message.  Then I called my counselors office and left them a message. I did not want to call my husband, he was at work operating heavy equipment.  The counselors office called back within two minutes and had a cancellation the next day, very rare, yes I will be there tomorrow at one.
A  little bit later my friend Brooke came over.  I asked her to sit with me.  She knows my story, the whole thing.  I love this girl, she is such a good friend, but also almost like a daughter to me.  I told her about what was going on.  She sat and listened.  I still could not stop crying and she sat and listened.  I told her how scared I was.  It really helped.


Later that afternoon, I sent a text to my brother.  I wondered if they were having the same kind of day I was.  "Thinking of you today, hope all is well."
Later at work I got a text back from my brother.  "Talked to Mom, Dad denies everything.  Mom said,  'Oh, she is starting that crap again!' and hung up on me. We don't know what to do or what to think."  Yes, he actually used quotes in his text, and I am so glad he did, because now I can officially be done.  I have been grieving the loss of my mother as I wish she was for a few years now, so its not that traumatic, but that quoted statement sealed the deal for me.  I. Am. Done.
I sent my brother a text back: " No matter what you think or decide to do, or not do, there is absolutely no judgement from me.  I love you guys unconditionally, and only wish for whatever is best for you and your family." 
I got a text back later: "We love you too."
For anyone reading this that may have to go through this themselves someday, I have to tell you  that I never once apologized.  I know I have not done anything wrong.  I feel sad that I had to tell my brother this about his father, but, I would rather he know now, instead of after the fact.  That was my part of the street I had to take care of.  I am not the keeper of anyone's secrets anymore.
BIG SIGH!
So, here is the good news! 

• I kept my appointment with my counselor, and I am so glad I did.  It helped me tremendously.
• I did not want to go to school that day-but I did.
• I did not want to go to work that day-but I did.
• I did not drink. Thank God!
• I did not smoke.

Icing on the cake!
I was not planning on it, but as it turns out, I will be very gratefully and happily cooking Thanksgiving Dinner for my husbands family this year. There will be six or seven us and I am looking forward to being surrounded by family that loves me.
Thanks for listening and have a great Thanksgiving everyone!

November 1st

I am inspired by Mary this morning who reminded me that it is a new day and a new month.  I know I can start over any time I want to, but for some reason looking at the calendar with a number one representing today, makes it a little more special.  By the way, thanks to all of you for the anniversary well wishes too, it really means so much.

I really thought I had done well on the last test I took, and yesterday I almost fell over when I got it back and my grade was a "D".  I really could have just balled my head off.  It really did not help that my friend was almost crying too because she had gotten an "A".  But, that's not her fault. I really wanted to blame everyone else for my poor grade, but the truth is, it all happened the way it was supposed to.  I am not a dummy, I know the material.  This grade does not reflect my actual knowledge as a nurse.  You see on these tests, there are always two good answers, however only one of them is the best answer.  There were a couple that I just plain guessed at, one math question that I cannot believe I got wrong that was a matter of hurrying, and many that were good answers, just not the best answer.  The good news is that my average for the semester is still safe, I am passing with a cushion. I learned a lot from these mistakes, and hopefully that will pay off on the final. Something else I learned from all of this is that I have learned over the past six years that AA is a We program, and I learned today that nursing school is not.  Nursing school is a Me program and although I need to "practice these principals in all my affairs", I need to start acting accordingly. I need to stay in Patty camp not worry so much about my friends and what I think they should know. My phone was just ringing a little bit ago, a classmate.  I have been telling myself for months, do not answer that phone unless you have an hour to kill, and every time I say, oh, I'll get off before then, and sure enough, I allow myself to kept on the phone listening to her problems for more than and hour, instead of studying.  So today I let it ring and continued to do what I needed to do for me.

I have been watching Oprah's Life Class.  I know cornball!!  It really is good positive stuff.  The other night she said something that really resonated with me. "When people show you who they are, believe them", and moreover, don't get upset when they fulfill that prophecy! 
So, onward and upward for me today.  I need to focus on the next test and stay in "Patty Camp" and do the best I can. SO long for now! Thank you for listening
Patty

photo credit, me, (2011 balloon launch HOF weekend)