Sunday Morning Gratitude

Chilly, sunny, Sunday morning.  I woke up to the smell of coffee brewing and bacon frying.  I got on my knees and prayed for the willingness to be willing.  Thy will be done, not mine.
 
Today I am grateful:

To wake up sober, and not hung over, for the 2197th consecutive day, one day at a time.

A warm house, soft bed, food cooking, snuggly kitty and clean flannel sheets..
My family, hubby, doggy, kitties.

Friends happy to see me last night

That I was wrong when I said I no longer have a support group

That feeling of uselessness and self pity slipping away

My new sponsor that I got hear speak last night

My nursing school friends

A fun day of shopping with my hubby today after breakfast

Blogger friends that always meet me right where I am, unconditionally

The privledge of being able to attend two AA meetings tonight, to thank the members there for being such an instrumental part in my  sobriety.

TGIF

Really glad it is Friday.  I have been cleaning since I got home from school.  Well, except, I guess I am not cleaning now.

It has been an up and down week.  Ireally am grateful to be sober today.  Monday, the 24th was my six year anniversary. It has been one of the most low key anniversaries ever.  There is no cake, no celebration, no dinner out.  That is my own fault for not having a support group anymore. I found the picture of this beautiful cake on google.  I think it is very pretty.  I was taught that AA owes me nothing, I owe AA my life. The two meetings I have attended this week, I have anonymously taken cookies or cupcakes to thank the meeting for keeping the doors open so I could stay sober. I did get a six year coin at one of the meetings.  I am once again "working" with a new sponsor.  I say "working" because I really have not done anything yet.  I guess I am on step one. In fact I do not know what I am doing period.  I can't seem to shake this blah feeling I have towards my recovery and AA.  I know that I need AA to stay sober.  I just cant seem to figure out where I fit in anymore.


School has been going great.  My grades are really good, I attribute that to having so much time to study at my work/study job at school.  Last week I got my first pay check and it really felt good. Clinical is good too, I am feeling more confident every day that I am right where I am supposed to be as far as nursing is concerned.  It is my passion and I love it. Physically I feel great too.  The side effects from the flu shot have not been present for a week now, and I actually have some energy.  Guess I will get back to that housework now.  Have a great weekend everyone.

Saturday Night Gratitude

Tonight I am grateful and thankful:

To be sober another day

That I am feeling a little better physically today even though my shot arm still hurts a little

Long nap on the couch yesterday and pizza for supper

I got a lot of studying done at work today.

At the last minute I went to a meeting tonight and got to see a girl with 24 hours introduce herself, and a man I admire thank the meeting, and the program with tears in his eyes, as he recieved a 55 year coin.

Friday Night Bullets

• Friday night and I am so tired.  Have not been to a meeting all week, have not talked to any alcoholics.  I don't know who I would call.  I have not called my sponsor since last Friday.  I have come to the conclusion that she is just way too busy for me.  I knew that when I asked her so it's not like it's a big revelation.

• I have been cranky and miserable all week.  I keep blaming it on my flu shot that I got Tuesday, LOL.  I have never had a shot hurt like this one does, and if one more person comes up and smacks me in the arm I will throw them down a flight of stairs....just sayin'.

• I asked my husband if I seem cranky this week and after a brief hesitation he said, "No more than you usually are."  To which I replied, "What the fuck does that mean?" Every time I read this I crack up laughing.

• My patient this week was a 46 year old woman who will die a slow, painful death as a direct result of what the disease of alcoholism has done to her vital organs.  She is my third medically diagnosed alcoholic in the last 6 months.  No one else in my nursing class of over 48 students has has a chronic, dying, alcoholic for a patient, I have had three.  God shows us what we need to see. 

• I am very grateful to be healthy, alive and sober today.

Tuesday Morning Gratitude

Today I am grateful and thankful:

• To be sober
• health
• food and shelter, a warm home
• even though i feel so lost, i know God is there
• a husband who loves me
• to go to school
• to go to work
• to love my critters
• my blog friends
• to know that this too shall pass, even though I dont know what this is, or how to get it to pass
• to be grateful

Sunday Morning

Thank God for a new day sober!
Where to begin?  With the drama of course.  OK, so it was not that bad, I want to say, but maybe I can find some closure/solution whatever by writing about it here.  Let me also say that at this moment in time several people think that I am drunk off my ass.  Let me also say that I have no desire to drink, and I am very grateful for that.

So I made the commitment to make coffee for the old home group and went to a meeting Monday, to go to a meeting, and also to get the key to the church, long story, not going to go into why no one had a key last Friday.  So as it is October, I have decided already that I am going to listen, and listen only.  OK, I will cut to the chase right now, the meeting ended up being about one woman and her problems as she and another woman pretty much had a one on one conversation back and forth across the table.  I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT!  But later in the week, I did say something to one of the home group members and told her that I felt that the chairperson had lost all control of that meeting and maybe someone should say something to her about it.  I was told...Ah, Patty, patience and tolerance, patience, love and tolerance.  OK, none of my business?   That's how they want to run their meeting?  Let it go.
Fast forward to Friday, still no key to the church, no call from anyone, really not sure who has the key?  I fall asleep on my deck when I get home from school.  At 5:15 I am awakened by my phone ringing, but cannot seem to get my senses about me in time to answer it.  The message left is from the woman with the key telling me she will meet at the church at 6pm, and yes, I am thinking, I really do not want to go to that meeting tonight.  I am tired, hungry and just plain not in the mood.  I call back and explain to the woman's voice mail that I would really appreciate if she could get the coffee started, blah, blah, blah. In hindsight I realize that I should have just thrown in the towel right then and there and saved everyone a whole lot of me being miserable.

I get there at six thirty, I had a little snack before I left, but I will be making a late dinner, no biggie.  So of course, I have issues with the meeting!  Why change the theme of the entire week?  Mainly with a girl who came with two new girls bragging about her six year anniversary coming up.  Then she sits there and side talks with the new girl throughout the entire meeting.  Finally I looked at her and whispered, really?  Really D?  I cannot believe you are being so rude!  Shut it! She was shocked to say the least, I know, patience and tolerance.  Here's some real icing on the cake for me.  When a girl cross talked to another girl in her comment and told her that the solution to everything is sitting right across the table from her.  Let me tell you there was not a picture of the Lord across the table, it was her sponsor, (my former sponsor) and she (former sponsor) sat there with this creepy, weird smile on her face shaking her head up and down!  I felt like bolting out of the room right then and there.  But instead my eyes went over to the new girl at her first meeting.  She looked a little puzzled.  OK now we are having a home group meeting, oh no, it's not over yet! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  Then debate on who should go to intergroup to by books etc. and it turns into a Chip and Dale type argument.  You remember Chip and Dale?  Oh, no I certainly do not want to step on your toes if you want to do it, but I think it is really my job, etc. back and forth, back and forth.  The meeting ended at 8:10 (because the people that passed in the beginning and had nothing to say, now decided that they had to comment on everyone else's comment, and the chairwoman allowed the meeting to run late).  It is now 840 and not one thing has been accomplished in this home group meeting.  Finally I say, just make a decision on who will go and lets move it along, please?  What's the [problem Patty?  Well, I am hungry and would like to move things along, it is almost 845.  She says, well you can leave if you want.  She was right!  Why didn't I think of that? So I got up and left.  When I got to the parking lot, I took my keys out of my purse and there was the  key to the church hanging off my ring.  Dread washed over me!  I turned around, walked back into the church and set the keys on the table next to the secretary, turned around without a word and walked out.  I could hear her yelling after me, hey, you cant do that!  Patty get back here.  I kept walking.  I know, nice example, real mature. No tears, no nothing.  I got in my truck and shut the door.  Huge sigh of relief.  Good bye Friday night. I came home and felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from me.  I called my sponsor, and left her a message and gave her a brief run down of what happened.  We have been communicating, and will have a talk soon.

Let me close by saying that, I KNOW:
I am totally screwed up and wrong in how I acted all week.

All I have done is look at everyone else and not Patty.

I have not a shred of patience OR tolerance for any of these  people I mentioned.

Having done a second step several months ago on this meeting, and the people in it, I should know better than to think that they have changed, just because I have. 

Part of the change in me is that I spend two days week in a setting where I see people who are really suffering.  That can't walk, are in severe physical pain, that are literally dying.  If all they had to do to be whole again was to not pick up a drink, how grateful do think they would be?  Yet, they are still grateful!

Other than this stuff, I had a great week!

When I got up this morning, I dropped to my knees.  Why has that been so hard for me to do lately?  I will be quiet and wait for the answers.  I honest to God do not think I have all the answers.  I will  get on my knees no matter what.  It has worked before, no reason why it should not work now.

I will go meetings where I KNOW there is good recovery.  I will start that tonight and return to a meeting I have not been to in a while.  I will go to a Big Book meeting tomorrow where I know there is good recovery. I will listen.  I will refrain from judgement!  Please God, help me to get out of this funk.  I am very grateful that I did not actually SAY Anything to anyone that was hurtful, well, besides shut up.
I know I am PMS-ing.  This is not an excuse, just a fact, and I know it will pass.  I need to be quiet and vibrate through it.
Today I will spend some quality time with my husband.  We will go to the orchard and get some apples.  I will make a pie and cook a nice delicious dinner for us.  Tomorrow I have the day off from school and work in observance of Columbus Day.  Thank you US Government.
I  am just about caught up with my school work I was behind on and that is a major relief.  If you have read this entire post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I am willing to hear any feed back or suggestions you have for me.  I can take it!
Thank you for listening.
Patty 

Wonderful Week

I cannot believe it is October already and I am six weeks into the semester.  I have not had any time to come here and blog, but I have been trying to stop in and say hi now and then on your blogs!


Health wise I am feeling great and I am so, so grateful for that because right now, I need every last bit of energy I can muster to get me through everything on my plate!  I am so grateful for everyday I wake up and I am sober by the grace of God.  I had to speak at three AA meetings last month, probably more than I usually do in  year!  Just a reminder to me that even though I think God is not around for me because I am not constantly asking for something......not true, alway, always here. I just keep saying, thank you, thank you, thank you.  I really feel like I am doing the deal called life, on life's terms.  I am really trying my best and have had the stamina to do it.  Some wonderful things have come out of the whole experience. I have gone back to my home group and I will be making coffee next month.  Remember how I used to bitch about how I had to make it for a year?  Well, I am just going to do it for a month this time and pass the keys on!


I started my new job and I love it!  Everyone there is very nice and I have made a new friend.  I have been in total study mode for the last two weeks.  I have really stepped up my game as far as school work goes and the new job really helps with that.  I have my own desk and I pretty much just sit at it and study the entire time I am there.  The other night I even got to help a fellow student study her anatomy of the skeleton.  She was pretty cool so I taught her all of my dirty and clean jokes I used to use to remember the names of some of the bones.  We had a great time!
I also saw a friend of mine from the rooms that I have not seen in a long time.  I asked him how my friend "A" was.  "A" is a friend of mine, and one of the women I met in my first week of sobriety.  She took me under her wing and wound up being my first sponsor too, even though it did not last very long.  But anyway, unfortunately she is back out there.  I was shocked at first, then so grateful.  There but for the grace of God.  I will pray.
The coolest news this week is that I got to start my first IV in clinical this week.  Woo Hoo!!  Got it on the first stick too!  I am on another pink cloud over that one! I wish I had time to tell the entire story about the cool lady (retired LPN) that insisted I practice on her, and she let me and my classmate mess around with her for half an hour practicing putting on tourniquets and palpating her veins.  What a doll! 

So, now that October is upon us, it is a very special month for me, and also, seeing how I have spoken three times in the last month!  I will take a vow of silence until November in the rooms of AA.  Now I must go to bed and NOT get up early in the morning!
Good night!
Patty