I dont know if anyone out there besides Lou reads these posts anymore, but thats OK. It still helps me to write here. I have been very quiet and listeneing to the universe and two things have happened: One thing is that I have had two encounters with two foxes in two different times and locations. It may sound strange, but I believe in animal totems, the Native American belief that animals can send us messages just by being in our presence. Since I had not seen a fox since I was around seven years old, it was pretty significant. Anyway, when I researched the fox, it said this. The main concept I took from this is the part about staying in the background and being quiet.
The second thing is that came about was the constant suggestion in the back of my mind that I should call a particular person. A woman in the program that I have known for several years and have always admired, but also know that she is one of those people that is always so busy doing service, sponsoring, and doing a lot of work outside of AA as well. She is one of those women that you hear speak and want to be your sponsor, like a hundred other women in the room. Anyway, I sent her a message and asked her if we could talk sometime and she called me the next day. I explained to her kind of what I have been going through and I was so grateful that she was the ONLY person that I have spoken to lately that did not ask me who (were my previous sponsors) or what (happened that I do not have them anymore). I am so grateful for that, I am finally tired of telling the entire morbid story. I did tell her that it was not all bad though, because I learned much. I told her about what happened to me at lunch with the women from the meeting that I wrote about in my last post. As much as it pissed me off, I could not stop thinking about it. I began to be afraid that I had become, or was becoming complacent. She shared some experience with me on this, and I listened. I asked her for some suggestions and she gave me some. The first thing she suggested that I do is to just stay in the background at meetings and act like a newcomer again. Yes, she used those exact words, "stay in the background". She also sugessted that for right now,I find one meeting that I like, and make a commitment to attend that meeting every week. She also offered to be there for me, and for me to keep in touch with her and let her know how I am doing. The best thing of all she said to me was that she had "No judgement, no condemnation" (towards me) Patty, just love, OK? I feel like I am getting back on the beam. Yes, today I realized, that I have been off the beam. I am very grateful that with the help of my God, I was able to come around, and put forth an ounce of willingness and pick up the phone. I feel so much better today where recovery is concerned.Physically, I have had strep throat all week and I am finally feeling just a little bit better today. I have been at a pain level of a 12 since Monday. The last time I had a sore throat like this was three years ago when I wrote this. Holy crap, I in no way realized that it was just about three years ago to the day until I went back to copy the link. I remember having a horrible sore throat that entire week and after I got the truth out I screamed and cried and carried on and smashed things for a good half hour. When I was finished, the sore throat was gone. Well, I had to go to the doctor and a z-pack for this sore throat which thank God is beginning to subside, but as of 10 AM this morning as I started to write this I was getting ready to call the doctor. I have spent the day on the couch taking care of myself, writing, reading, eating Lindt chile chocolate and snuggling with my new kitten (pics and miracle story on that forthcoming). I may not be totaly back on the beam, but I know where to find it and all I have to do reach out my hand and someone will always help me get back on. Thanks for listening.
Patty
