Still Here and I Need Your Help

I am still here, having a bit of a rough time right now as far as school is considered.  My nerves are at their breaking point.  I went to the doctor on Saturday and told him I felt I was cured for a moment and went off my meds.  I am back on them now and hoping it helps.  I dont have much time to read blogs, but one that I do read every day is this one, and for some reason I am unable to comment.  So hey Ya'll!!  Love ya girl.

Last but not least, I have never asked this before, but could you please say a little prayer for me Thursday morning as I have two tests and it is really do or die for me.  Please pray that I can know what I know and apply it to the test.  I don't know what is wrong with me, I study and know the material and then I bomb the test. So far I have bombed two tests so the stress factor is off the charts. This may be my last week of nursing school and I am trying so hard not to surrender to that idea, but also preparing myself for whatever God's will is for me.  BUT.  It is totally do-able!  So I am going to try my very, very best and get to it!  I will be testing between 8-10 am EST on Thursday, and knowing I have you guys praying and pulling for me would really help.  Thanks, now I better get studying!!!

the voices of thistle farms: Paint Your Nails Purple For Women's Freedom

the voices of thistle farms: Paint Your Nails Purple For Women's Freedom: "Want to support women's freedom with an outward, visible (and fashionable) sign? Paint your nails purple for women's freedom! In conjuncti..."

Taking a Shot at Gratitude

I've been neglecting my blog as of late because I am in a very negative place.  I feel as if I am at a turning point and I really do not know what direction to go in.  I do not want to drink.  I also do not want to go to AA.  I cannot remember the last time I was at a meeting.  I just do not want to go.  My school work is so hard and I have been studying every waking moment.  Despite my efforts, I got a "D" on the first test yesterday. 74%, you must maintain a  minimum 75% average to stay in the program. Now, I feel as if I am in hole right from the get go. That failing grade triggered a self pity binge to end all, I know, not good.  I cried myself to sleep last night, asking God why everything always has to be so friggin hard.  Then I thought, maybe it is not supposed to be.  Maybe this is not what I am supposed to be doing after all.  Am I refusing to see the writing on the wall?  My diseaase was talking my ear off last night.  Despite it's and my best efforts, this morning I woke with a mental agenda of these three things; Pray, be grateful, go to a meeting, study.  So, I prayed.  I asked God to please help me.  No fancy words or recited big book prayers, just please help, God and I am listening.  I went to get my books to bring down to the deck, (it is a gorgeous morning) I added my Daily Reflections and a new book I bought at Founders Day entitled, "The Reflecting Pond." (yes, I went to Founders Day for about an hour and that is all I am going to say about it here.)  Anyway, the first line in the Reflecting Pond said this: "No man is born into the world whose work is not born with him."  Really, just what I needed to hear today.  Who am I to say it is time to throw in the towel yet. I read the first page it was exactly what I needed.  I feel much calmer now.  I suddenly remembered that there is a 10 AM speaker meeting on Fridays.  As soon as I finish typing this, I will get ready and go.
Today I am grateful and thankful for:


God always being here for me, even when I do not realize it
I am clean and sober
I have choices today, and today to live my life based on God's will, not mine, no really!
A husband that loves me
Good health
A gorgeous day
Family coming to visit me this summer
Three more weeks of OB, (not my cup of tea)
 Nursing school friends that support me


This too shall pass
A place where I can share it all
Thanks for listening

Spritual Growth, Homework, and Dirty Dishes

Does anyone remember when I was known as "Dirtydishes" in the blogging world? That seems like a hundred years ago, and I would love to think that I have grown and changed so much since that night three something years ago.  Yet, as I sit here writing, a huge pile of dirty dishes from last night's supper will not stop staring at me.  And instead of diving into them I sit here drinking coffee and blogging about it.  Guess I will not be graduating from the program anytime soon, LOL!  WHEW!! Oh, but starting out the day with yesterdays work in front of me, UGH! 

OK, so I remember reading about this recently in "Drop the Rock" and went back and re-read about the character defect of PROCRASTINATION and I feel very motivated.

Allow me to share:

"Working on this character defect allows us to participate in our personal and fellowship life.  The ability to concentrate, to use our time well, is everything.  It is self control.  It's the program in action.  The fourth step talks of instincts gone wild.  We must get control of our instincts.  When we are tired, we have feelings of uneasiness.  These feelings come from stress and the strain of always rushing around.  But the feeling of uneasiness also comes from an undernourished spirit, a spirit that never has time to go away to a quiet time and place and rest a while.  Don't we have enough in today's troubles without making a double load for tomorrow?

Benjamin Franklin said, 'Do you love life? Then do not squander time because that is the stuff life is made of.' 

The 12 steps are the same for everyone.  We are all given the choice, the means to break the habit of procrastination so we may be free to strive for spiritual growth in our lives."

 (Drop the Rock, p.40)


If I had dishes this pretty I would never let them pile up in the sink. Right?  LOL!,



I feel so blessed and calm about things now.  I do not have to sit here and beat myself up for my character defect of procrastination, I can do something about it right now, and God willing, grow spiritually from it.

 That's right!  Spiritual growth from dirty dishes!  I cant wait to see how I feel after I dust, vacuum and get the big huge pile of homework done that was assigned last night and is due Monday. Let's not forget the laundry now either, LOL! I think that is very cool!  Have a great day everyone!

Patty ;)

Easy and Breezey

As the vacation winds down, it is time to get down to business and tie up the loose ends before I go back to school.  Clean house etc..  Guess it is safe to put the long johns in storage for a month or two?  LOL!
Last night was an awesome get together with some wonderful women.  I was able to honestly share what I was going through with them and was not judged, but loved and supported.  


Just got a phone call from my husband at work.  Yesterday I ran around all day from Akron to the West side of my town.  He called to tell me that he needed me to do something.  No problem, what is it?  He said he wants me to take it easy all day.  Screw the laundry and vacuuming etc.  Sit on the deck and relax I was told.  What a guy!


It is a gorgeous day here.  It has been very, very hot the last few days, but today is sunny and breezey, I have the windows open and it is nice to have fresh air blowing through the house.  So as soon as I finish this, I will load the dishwasher and the washing machine and  get a big jug of sun tea ready to brew on the deck, grab my OB nursing book and head for my lawn chair. I am also going to go my womens step meeting for the last time until AUgust or Decmber, as I will be in school and unable to go to that day meeting. I think a pedi may be in order as well!

Life is soooo good.  I feel so blessed and happy today.


Last night these passages in "Drop the Rock" really spoke to me:  "...what a great opportunity the twelve steps offer us in reclaiming our lives."   And,  "Our most valuable relationship is the one we have with our Higher Power, so we seek out situations and people that bring us into closer contact with our Higher Power."   I am so grateful to be sober today.
Patty 

Taking a Step Back

Just for now, I am taking a step back from the rooms.  It feels really good too.  I have no desire to drink, I have been keeping in touch with my support group, but I have just taken a break from meetings.  I hesitated before I wrote about this.  I am not recommending it to anyone else.  It is what I need to do for myself for right now. I have also shut down my FB account for several reasons, with DRAMA at the top of the list.   Kind of like when they give a patient a drug holiday and take them off all of their meds and see which ones they really need and which ones they dont.  That's another thing too.  By accident (at first) I forgot to take my anti-depressant for about three days.  It  suddenly dawned on me that I felt the best I had felt in months.  The constant pain in my neck and shoulders began to fade away, I stopped clenching my teeth in my sleep.  My thinking has become much clearer as well.  Weird huh? The biggest change I noticed was that my brain was not telling me to eat constantly even though I was not even hungry.  SO, here I am, off my meds, and not going to AA, and no sponsor. I know, self will run riot!  No, no.  I still pray, more than ever.  I feel so peaceful, accepting and content today.  I have no resentments, jealousy or uneasiness about anything.  You might say I am in a mild state of euphoria, high on life! I am just not up to my ass in AA today.  I am going to a meeting tonight at a friends house.  We are still reading drop the rock.  This is my support group of alcoholics.  I am in contact with a woman who was my sponsor several years ago and I had get another one because she had so much (family issues) going on in her life.  The best part of that is she already knows all my stuff.  The thing that sucks about that last situation I was in and how it ended, is, that person that I trusted and then later found out was untrustworthy, knows all my stuff.  And in case you are wondering, yes the way things have gone for me with sponsors (two in the last 6 months) is directly related to all of this.

It feels good to say all of this out loud today.  I want to let my blogger fiends know what is going with me in case I start to sound like I am off the beam, you can tell me.   Ha!  I probably already sound that way!  But, it is what it is.  And now here it is, and I have to go and run errands now, so no editing, no pics, just my post for today.  Hope you all have a good one! 
Thanks for listening, Patty