Memorial Day Weekend Bullets

Good morning!

• I have been enjoying this time off like no other vacation I have ever had before!  Just taking it easy and getting things done.  
• The tension in my neck is receding day by day.  
• Finally made it to the Y, and there is a new water aerobics instructor, she  sucks is not as creative as the last one.
• After four days of watching what I eat and giving up dairy again, (at least 6 days a week) I feel so much better, I know I have not lost weight yet, but I feel better.
• The weekend weather is calling for sunny skies. Horray!
• I feel bad bitching about rain when I see the devastation in Missouri and the mid-west.
• Actually getting excited about going back to school in 10 days.
• I intend to enjoy every single one of those 10 days!
• Last but not least, I am so grateful to those who serve, and have served our country, so that I could live happy, joyous, and free :) 

Monday Morning Gratitude

• 

Today I am very grateful:

• God, quiet house, hot coffee

• A wonderful time with friends Saturday night

• That I have choices, and today I choose sobriety....and that has made all the difference

• Two entire days of sunshine this weekend!

• That even though it is raining again today, we got several plants in the garden over the weekend

• I have enough of everything I need today

• I had a dream last night about someone who mistreated me recently, and I really let her have a piece of mind, and today I feel as if I can finally let the whole thing go

• I do not have to make an ammends for the things I said (in my dream).  Very cool

• I have awesome friends

• After much prayer, the obsession I have had recently to smoke has been lifted from me, and also I do not feel like eating compulsively either, now I have to do the footwork, going to the gym this afternoon to swim laps

• Menopause.  ( Not really, but I am trying to be, LOL)

Winding Down in Bullets

• Still winding down from the events of last weekend. 
• Feeling very grateful for all the lessons learned.
• Tomorrow promises a possibility of some sunshine.  It has rained here everyday for the last two weeks.
• Tonight I went to a "Drop the Rock" meeting at my friends house and we read about procrastination.  Good stuff.
• When I got home the sky cleared and I was able to take my doggy for a walk :)
• Very excited to be able to participate in the pinning ceremony this week for the  graduating, second level nurses at school.
• Even more excited about the party I am having on Saturday for some of my friends and class mates.  The theme is "Girls Night Out", we will have lots of good food and a bonfire, we will be burning our syllabus's from last semester.
• Tomorrow I will speed-clean my house. LOL.
• Feeling very grateful to have some time off to relax and wind down...

Great Way to Start the Day

I'm Home

I am home from retreat.  It was an eyeopening experience.  Not at all what I expected.  I learned a lot!  This is probably going to be a long post, so bear with, or don't, but I need to write it out and get it all out out of my head once and for all.
So,I was to drive my sponsor and another one of her sponsees, and there was a mis-communication on exactly what time we were going to be leaving.  There was a lot of confusion and no straight answers.  There was inaccurate information as to how long it was going to take us to get there.  There were many rushed phone calls and when questions were asked no solid answers were given and I  was told, I gotta go, I gotta go. I gotta go to lunch with my friend, I gotta go shopping, I gotta go run errands with my husband etc.  And, I don't want to get there too early. OK.  What it comes down to is that I did not ask the right questions and I now know that I need explicit, specific instructions in these matters.  ANYWAY.  So it is 3:30 and I am on my way to get everyone and the text messages start.  Where are you?   Are you coming?  Where are you now?  Where on the highway.  I finally called, Hey, I am driving, I cannot text, I will be there in 10 minutes.  What is your exact location?  You need to hurry up!!!  How long is it going to take you to get here?  Well, hurry up!  I am the spiritual director and I need to get there early!  Early?  This is news to me.


So I get to her house and I am told, the other girl is driving over because "you are so late!"  That's funny, when we discussed this the other night, that was the original plan, and I remember you telling her that she was to park her car in your back yard.  I had no idea I was to drive around and pick her up.  What it comes down to was this:  Even though she did not want to leave at the original time of 2:30, she expected me to be there and sit around and wait for her while she picked out outfits, and la la'd around. Which is totally fine...but tell me this.  Don't call me and tell me this and that that is not even relevant to me.  Just tell me what time, and we will do the math later you know?


So as soon as we get on the road it starts pouring down rain like you would not believe.  OMG.  And then the brow beating began and it did not stop until we were almost at our destination because I finally blew my freakin top.  The icing on the cake was when I missed the exit because she was texting her husband.  He had to know what mile markers we were at all along the way and how fast was I going etc.  Also, I was being told how to drive, get in that lane, get right on that guys bumper and make him move over, we HAVE GOT TO GE THERE!  I AM THE SPIRITUAL DIRECTOR!!!!  Then again more brow beating.  So I missed the exit and she really starts screaming now.  I panic and start to swerve to the right, but there is a car there, whew!  Just missed him.  So I see a "No U-turn" sign ahead and make that my destination. My God, I have got to get out of this car!  So I make the U-turn, it was not pretty, I was going way too fast,  and we were all scared, but I made it, and as soon as we got off the highway she told me to pull over at the gas station.  Really?  Gas station?  I though we were in a big, huge hurry.  OK.  Back on the road again, almost there.  Brow beating.  My husband thinks this about you and every time he see's you he will tell you what a loser you are because you were so late, I am the spiritual director and I need to be there on time.  Blah, blah, blah...AND........I lost it...."SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!! PLEASE, WILL YOU?  I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.  I  DO NOT GIVE A RATS ASS WHAT YOUR HUSBAND THINKS OF ME.  WE ARE HALF AN HOUR EARLY, NOW YOU NEED TO LET IT GO, AND GET OFF MY FUCKIN BACK. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.  There were some other words exchanged about acting 12 years old, sarcasm and tough love...whatever.

And......we are here!  They both get out and come over to me and give a give me a hug.  I say I am sorry for yelling, they say that's OK.  Well, that is the last time time they would talk to me all weekend without me cornering them. Hello, my name is Patty and I am the Big Bad Wolf.  SO it took a me a while to figure out that I was getting the complete cold shoulder from them, but not too long. Cold shoulder?  I felt like I was being completely shunned, no eye contact, and then eventually, my sponsors friends were even looking at me weird.  Like, oh, you are the crazy girl that almost killed everyone. Because I don't know my sponsor that well, but I know her well enough to know that she embellishes and exaggerates pretty good, because I have been around when she re-tells a story and a lot gets lost or added in translation.  And come to find out later, the whole making a U-turn and yelling were lumped into one incident when they were quite separate. Forget the fact that I had been getting yelled at constantly for an hour while driving in rush hour traffic! Right?
The other girl that came with us was under my sponsors wing, being introduced to all of her friends, sitting and eating together etc.  I was left out in the cold. Jealousy and self pity washed over me like a thick cloud of smoke.  I decided to go to my room for the night and cry my eyes out. When I got to my room, I had a room mate.  CRAP!!!!  This ruins my pity party!  I held back the tears long enough to apologize for barging in while she was sleeping and introduce myself.  I said, well, I am really sorry, but I came up here to have a pity party...and the flood gates opened.  I was feeling like such a piece of shit at this point.  I did not even want to tell her what was wrong.  I did not know this woman from Adam, but I knew I could not take one more person putting me down.  She just sat there quietly while I balled for a while and then she said, I am a good listener if you want to tell me what's wrong.  SO out came the entire story, and then we talked, and before I knew it we were both laughing.  Thank you God!  It felt really so good to confide in someone.  That night we did steps 1-3 at the retreat, and I feel as if during that conversation with my room mate, I did steps 1-3.  And I know God was there!
The next day was steps 4-10, and I was to speak on step 7.  By the time I was to step up to the podium to speak, ALL my self pity and jealousy had been removed, gone, disappeared.   I did not have the 7th step prayer memorized word for word, but I knew it in my heart.  I was very, very willing. I had forgotten to bring my copy of the humility prayer that I wanted to read, but I remembered the most important parts of it, "To feel that no harm is done to me."  "Perpetual quietness of heart."  I ended on my knees saying the seventh step prayer, because that is what my sponsor told me to do. When I finished, several women came up to me with tears in their eyes.  My sponsor came up to me and hugged me and said, good job, but that shit you pulled in the car is still not acceptable.  OK, thank you!
By the time I listened and heard discussion on 8 and 9 I knew what I had to do.  SO I asked my sponsor for 5 minutes of her time and several hours later she allowed me talk to her in the hallway.  I apologized for my part.  I told her I would never, ever want to hurt her or "K", I love them both very much and I am very, very sorry if I scared them.  I was told I have anger issues and they felt as if they were held hostage in my car. Again, I am sorry.  It will never happen again.  I will understand if you do not want to ride home with me. She said she had not decided yet, she would let me know.  OK.  So, I cleaned off my side of the street and that was all I could do.  I totally let everything go, I also apologized to the other girl.  She looked at me like I was a crazy lady.  In fact many people in their little circle were looking at me like that.  You know what?  Their opinion, or what they think of me is none of my business.  I had several ah, hah moments up to this point that had kept me from running away.  Because that is what I kept wanting to do, was run away, from the moment I pulled into the driveway. Instead I stayed, and kept working the steps.  I also made my own friends there, not just my roommate, but her sponsor and grand-sponsor.  Also some other girls that God put in my discussion groups. The thing that I am most proud of myself for, is that I never said one bad thing about my sponsor to anyone.  I confided in my room mate and that was it.  I did not go around and tell "my side" of the story all weekend even though  I know that there were several people there that had been told everything by her....DRAMA!!!  And honestly, that was soooooo hard!!!  But by this time I was beginning to figure out step seven a little bit.  I am the one who has to work at it.  God will help me change, but I have to do it.  It was so hard!!! SO hard to not tell everyone that I was the victim!!  I am not a bad person.  She is the one who is crazy.  So hard to not to say F-you and my commitment and go home with my tail between my legs.  It was soo hard, but I know now, I would have cheated myself out of so much growth. And for me, the biggest change, is keeping my mouth SHUT!!!  Thanks goodness for this blog though where I can let it all out!.


Saturday afternoon my roommate and I went to town and did some shopping.  I think it is worth noting here that even after hearing my story, my roommate got in the car with me and I drove, LOL. We went to a resale shop and looked around and eventually wound up at a really cool candle shop and went nuts!  I got some little gifts for the girls in my study group and my husband.  I almost bought my sponsor and the other girl gifts, but I left it alone.  I did end up buying them a pack of cigs and a four pack of Red Bull.  You know, something they could really use and appreciate.  I realize now that I had motives, but screw it!  I was really just being nice.  Saturday night was the big speaker meeting where women from outside the retreat could come and listen.  It was a packed house!! Over one hundred women there. The speaker totally rocked it!!!  She was awesome!  Everyone was into her story, suddenly she said, "Where is Patty?"  I just sat there frozen, she did not mean me.  I got a nudge from the woman next to me, she means you, Patty.  Oh, crap!  I waved my hand at her.  She said, Patty you rock!  I love you!  You really touched my heart with that seventh step girl. ( a few people clapped and said some woo hoo's) OMG!!!  I did not want this recognition.  It took all of MY will to not look over at my sponsors face.  I really wanted to see her expression, but I held on!  Then I thought...none of my business!  Good or bad, right? I no longer needed her approval of me.  Here is the real kicker.  When she finished speaking she called me to the podium. OMG!  I am like, no way, OMG!  She had a copy of the humility prayer there for everyone and asked me to read it to finish the meeting.  How cool is that.  Yes, I got tears in my eyes.  Did I mention that the lady speaking was my roommates grand-sponsor? This group of women had five levels of sponsorship at the retreat, with the great-grand sponsor unable to make it.  I thought this was so very cool, and they all go to the same home group too.  It is not far from where I live so I should be able to make the road trip at least once a month to see these awesome women who loved me unconditionally.
I had a blast Saturday night.  Sitting and talking with all new friends, exchanging phone numbers etc.  I kept thinking all evening, this is great, but I really feel like I need to reach out to someone else.  I decided to go down to the campfire even though is was misty rain and a little chilly.  God put someone there for me to listen to.  I shared a little, but mostly I listened.
OK, so the next morning I am so happy I made it through the entire weekend!!!!  And, I was grateful because I had got sooo much out of it.  I truly felt as if everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to.  Everything.    I still had steps 11 and 12 to listen to and discuss.  I had all my stuff in the car ready to go after step 12 discussion.
Before the 12th step speaker I approached my sponsor and the other girl to see what the deal was them as far as riding with me or not, I pretty much figured that they would not be, there were several women there from the area that I knew they could ride with.  I was told in a very snotty tone, "We GOT a ride home, PATTY."  And, "My husband is coming to pick me up."  OK, feeling of total inferiority hitting me right now.  I felt so sick to my stomach.  Hang on, hang on.   I heard my name being called, Patty, PATTY!  My roommate, come here and sit with me.  Are you OK?  I felt tears coming.  Oh shit!  I'm OK, I'm OK.  My sponsor steps to the podium (she is the spiritual leader remember?)  She is introducing the last speaker and talking about how much she loves AA and the women in AA, blah, blah, blah.  I look over at my roommate and she looks at me.  I really gotta go now, she gives me a hug and I leave.  I had about all I could take and just wanted to get home.


When I got home my sponsors number was on my caller ID.  I have no idea what she could be calling for except to bitch at me some more.  I have never been so happy to be home in  my whole life.  My husband was not here when I got here so I decided I would go the grocery store.  I looked to see how much money I had left.  There in my wallet was the fifty dollar bill my sponsor had given me before we left.  I took it out of my wallet and felt sick to my stomach.  I had some note cards on my desk and grabbed one.
"B"-Meant to give this back to you on Sunday.  Thanks for everything.
Patty
As I licked the envelope and placed the stamp on it I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders.


So, where do I go from here?  I do not know.  Gonna let God figure that one out.  I followed every single suggestion that woman gave me including cutting myself off from every friend I had in AA except for her and three other girls she sponsors.  I left the meeting I started on her suggestion too.  But I feel in my heart that it all going to just fine.
I am grateful to have some time off school.  I worked the 12 steps, for that I am extremely grateful to her, but once again, time to move on. This is my story.  If you made it all the way to the end....thanks for listening.  I feel so much better, and now it is all behind me with so many lessons learned!  I am grateful!

A Big Sigh of Relief

By the Grace of God I made it through my first year of nursing school.  Some of my class mates did not, so it is a bitter sweet.  I am so relieved.......It was a very long wait today, waiting for the grades to be posted.  There was drama.  I am not going to go into it.  My sponsor had to cancel my 6th & 7th  step at the last moment and my heart sank.  I headed to a meeting after a brief altercation with my husband.  As I sped down the road I had a little discussion with God.   It kind of went like this:
WHAT IS GOING ON ?!?!?!?!?!
MENOPAUSE!
ITCHY RASH ALL OVER MY HANDS!
I WANT TO SMOKE SO BAD IT HURTS!
I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE
I AM STRESSED TO THE MAX
NERVES ARE SHOT I TELL YOU! SHOT!
OH, GOD I WANT TO SMOKE
I WANT TO SMOKE SO BAD
TWO YEARS SMOKE FREE
BIG WHOOP TEE DOO!
I FEEL LIKE A STUFFED HOG
I AM GONNA SMOKE!
GOT A LIGHTER IN POCKET
IM DONE, I AM SO DONE, I REALLY NEED HELP
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!


I turned on the radio and a heavy metal station was on.  I cranked it up as loud as it would go and rolled down the windows.  I was driving pretty fast too. I was thinking who would be at the meeting that I could get a cigarette from.  I did not go to this meeting very often and hopefully whoever it was would forget that I quit smoking.  This stinkin thinkin dialouge took all of about 5 seconds.  There was also a nagging thought that perhaps I would drink too, because I was gonna really feel like shit for smoking you know. No, no, no.  That would never happen!  I know a cig will take the edge off.  These people are driving me nuts.  Everyone is getting drunk and forgetting about it and I am here all alone to deal with it all, and I cannot take it.  I need a legal, mind altering, substance. NOW!  A CIGARETTE!


Then this very soft, calm, voice spoke to me and said, "Patty, you have to be true to yourself."
"You have to be true to yourself."
"You have to be true to yourself."
A sudden calm washed over me like a wave from my head to my toes.
I took a huge deep breath and let out a big sign of relief..The insanity left me.
I felt as if I was back on the beam.
I went to the meeting and listened quietly.
I heard what I needed to hear in every single comment.
During the meeting I received four text messages from classmates..."the grades are up." Well, of course they are!
The picture above is from the place where I will be going to a women's 12 step retreat this weekend.

I will take a break for the next couple of weeks and then prepare to get back to class.  Another fresh start.
I am so grateful!

Just a Little Insane

Yesterday was my final.  (insert large, SIGH, here).  I am still decompressing.  I am still waiting for my grade.  Yesterday despite MY best efforts, I had an overwhelming sense of dread about the entire thing.  I flunked out.  I failed.  I would have to say that about 99% of my classmates were going to get hammered last night, that is everyone except for me, the two Menonite girls, and the pregnant girl.  POOR ME!!!!!!!!!

The overwhelming urge to smoke a cigarette has been haunting me day and night for the last two weeks.  And believe me, the thought of drinking crossed my mind too. Well of course it did!  If I fail I am gonna get soooo drunk!   This disease never rests!  My alcoholism was playing with me as I felt so powerless over the entire situation.  Low self esteem came rushing in.  I am less than.  I don't deserve this.  So I sat down and made a gratitude list and there it all was in black and white. This class does not define me as a person.  Even if I did.....ugh....fail...It would still be alright.  That would mean that I would have a year to figure out if I was supposed to be a nurse. And, I would do that sober with God guiding me. Funny after I made that list I sat down to watch TV with my husband.  He was dozing in no time and I grabbed the remote.  I started surfing and came upon a show about AA on PBS.  Hmmmmm.  Listening to these AA's talk about the Big Book and the program I could feel the tension loosening in my neck.  It felt good to hear some fellowship in my living room. I realized I had been running on little sleep and had not been to a meeting since Saturday. So, a noon meeting is on tap for today, (pun intended)  No matter what the grade, or the outcome, all is well, and I am sober!

SO, for today, I will be grateful.

I will:

go to a meeting

do what is in front of me

finish my 6th step 

start to enjoy this time off

clean my house

be grateful

I will know all is well, no matter what

I will put it all in His hands

Thy will be done!

Just Another Boring, Sober, Blessed, Day

• Yesterday was my last day of class for the semester
• I finished up by passing my skills in lab and the last quiz in lecture
• Came home, had dinner and went to a great meeting
• Talked to my sponsor
• This morning I got up, prayed, thanked God, read Daily Reflections, and immediately started working on a 4th step.
• I will go to water aerobics this morning and do something good for my heart and body, even though I got up at midnight and had eggs and toast for a snack.
• I will go to the hospital and pick up my last patient assignment of the semester.
• I will prepare for clinical tomorrow
• I will be grateful throughout this day for all that God has blessed me with
• I will smile at all who pass by me
• I will be kind
• I may go to a women's meeting
• I will study for my final and finish my fourth step tonight
• Tomorrow, I will go to the hospital and try to be of maximum service
• I will do my  5th step with my sponsor
• I will pray for the awareness to be able to see and face whatever else God decides to put in my path today, and the strength to carry it out
• Thy will be done....not mine

Grateful

• To be who, what, and where I am
• One week of school and then a break
• I will pass my final exam and first year of nursing school
• Three weeks off
• Strong sponsorship
• The steps
• I have a Higher Power guiding me
• To be excited about letting a Higher Power guide me
• Any problem I have today is so small, for example, I have too much good food in my house
• I have friends
• I am loved
• I love <3