Monday Morning

I have sat here several times in the past two weeks not knowing where to start.  It all sounds like a negative ranting bitch session.  I am almost finished with the semester.  I am still gratefully sober. I am still gratefully passing.  Sponsor?  I don't think so.  I never thought a woman in her early 60's would practically insist on staying in contact by text message.  I am not into it.  Texts get lost in the shuffle.  Seems that all of my texts and voice mails got lost in the shuffle this week.
 I left message: 
Please call me back I really need to talk. 
I get a text: Where have you been?  I miss you? Love you!
 (I think "Love you" is her signature-irritating)
I return a text: I am going through a bit of hell this week, please call me back!
No response for the rest of the week....until yesterday, she answered her phone and then I was not able to get a word in edgewise. I mean not one word!  LOL!  I exaggerate, I did say Hi and Bye!


OK, not feeling sorry for myself over this, Chalk up another one! It's all good, she has way too much on her plate. I just really could have used a sympathetic ear this week, and I found one.  I went to talk to my counselor.  So it cost me a hundred bucks, because I no longer have insurance, thank God I have a little job and just got paid.  She told me what I needed to hear to and she listened while I cried. She validated me, and told me what I was feeling was totally natural and would not last long, she was right!  Having written this, it is embarrassingly pathetic.


The bit of hell I am referring to is some family stuff that has reared it's ugly head again.  This whole Penn State thing has really about made me sick on daily basis.  It is hard to stay away from it.  Anyway, if you have ever read my story, at the very end I make a promise to my Mom that if there are ever any grandchildren I will tell the parents.  Well, there has been a grandchild for several months, and the Penn State thing triggered some nightmares for me involving this innocent child and it's grandfather.  I guess the e-mails from my mom had something to do with it also, with her saying things like, " We are so excited about babysitting 'B' this week!" She really has no clue how the very small two letter word "we" literally about made me throw up. So, I called the child's mother, and I told her.  Amazingly, she was not as surprised as I thought she would be.  She has been abused as well, and said, I always had this weird feeling around him.  I told her, her instincts were 100% correct.  I was very careful in choosing my words.  This was in no way any sort of vendetta.  We talked for about an hour, and then an hour later, my brother called,.  He is actually my half brother, my abuser, (stepfather) is his father.  We talked, he had to hear it directly from me and I told him, yes, it happened, yes, it is true.


The next day I thought I was totally OK and felt pretty good about things, relieved, walked through the fear....again, did the right thing, I think?  I went to school for open lab to practice for an upcoming skills test.  I looked in the door and it was very crowded in there.  My little voice said, "Don't go in there."  I did not listen.  Long story short, I had three people come up to me and start asking questions right off the bat.  I kept backing up, and backing up and they kept coming in.  One had a book in my face, the other had papers in my face.  Everyone meant well.  I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I said look out!  I gotta get out of here!  I ran to the bathroom and started crying hysterically.  I was overwhelmed with fear.  I just knew He was coming to kill me, I just knew it.  As soon as this thought materialized in my brain I really got scared.  I am totally losing it! Oh, my God.  I stayed in there for a very long time unable to compose myself.  I would calm down a little and then it would start all over again.  It actually felt very good to cry and cry and cry.  I finally got a little composure and was able to come out.  I found a table a ways down the hall from lab and said, OK, I can get my shit together and go back in there in just a bit.  I sat there looking at my book and the tears just ran like a river.  I took out my phone and left my sponsor message.  Then I called my counselors office and left them a message. I did not want to call my husband, he was at work operating heavy equipment.  The counselors office called back within two minutes and had a cancellation the next day, very rare, yes I will be there tomorrow at one.
A  little bit later my friend Brooke came over.  I asked her to sit with me.  She knows my story, the whole thing.  I love this girl, she is such a good friend, but also almost like a daughter to me.  I told her about what was going on.  She sat and listened.  I still could not stop crying and she sat and listened.  I told her how scared I was.  It really helped.


Later that afternoon, I sent a text to my brother.  I wondered if they were having the same kind of day I was.  "Thinking of you today, hope all is well."
Later at work I got a text back from my brother.  "Talked to Mom, Dad denies everything.  Mom said,  'Oh, she is starting that crap again!' and hung up on me. We don't know what to do or what to think."  Yes, he actually used quotes in his text, and I am so glad he did, because now I can officially be done.  I have been grieving the loss of my mother as I wish she was for a few years now, so its not that traumatic, but that quoted statement sealed the deal for me.  I. Am. Done.
I sent my brother a text back: " No matter what you think or decide to do, or not do, there is absolutely no judgement from me.  I love you guys unconditionally, and only wish for whatever is best for you and your family." 
I got a text back later: "We love you too."
For anyone reading this that may have to go through this themselves someday, I have to tell you  that I never once apologized.  I know I have not done anything wrong.  I feel sad that I had to tell my brother this about his father, but, I would rather he know now, instead of after the fact.  That was my part of the street I had to take care of.  I am not the keeper of anyone's secrets anymore.
BIG SIGH!
So, here is the good news! 

• I kept my appointment with my counselor, and I am so glad I did.  It helped me tremendously.
• I did not want to go to school that day-but I did.
• I did not want to go to work that day-but I did.
• I did not drink. Thank God!
• I did not smoke.

Icing on the cake!
I was not planning on it, but as it turns out, I will be very gratefully and happily cooking Thanksgiving Dinner for my husbands family this year. There will be six or seven us and I am looking forward to being surrounded by family that loves me.
Thanks for listening and have a great Thanksgiving everyone!