I've been neglecting my blog as of late because I am in a very negative place. I feel as if I am at a turning point and I really do not know what direction to go in. I do not want to drink. I also do not want to go to AA. I cannot remember the last time I was at a meeting. I just do not want to go. My school work is so hard and I have been studying every waking moment. Despite my efforts, I got a "D" on the first test yesterday. 74%, you must maintain a minimum 75% average to stay in the program. Now, I feel as if I am in hole right from the get go. That failing grade triggered a self pity binge to end all, I know, not good. I cried myself to sleep last night, asking God why everything always has to be so friggin hard. Then I thought, maybe it is not supposed to be. Maybe this is not what I am supposed to be doing after all. Am I refusing to see the writing on the wall? My diseaase was talking my ear off last night. Despite it's and my best efforts, this morning I woke with a mental agenda of these three things; Pray, be grateful, go to a meeting, study. So, I prayed. I asked God to please help me. No fancy words or recited big book prayers, just please help, God and I am listening. I went to get my books to bring down to the deck, (it is a gorgeous morning) I added my Daily Reflections and a new book I bought at Founders Day entitled, "The Reflecting Pond." (yes, I went to Founders Day for about an hour and that is all I am going to say about it here.) Anyway, the first line in the Reflecting Pond said this: "No man is born into the world whose work is not born with him." Really, just what I needed to hear today. Who am I to say it is time to throw in the towel yet. I read the first page it was exactly what I needed. I feel much calmer now. I suddenly remembered that there is a 10 AM speaker meeting on Fridays. As soon as I finish typing this, I will get ready and go.
Today I am grateful and thankful for:
God always being here for me, even when I do not realize it
I am clean and sober
I have choices today, and today to live my life based on God's will, not mine, no really!
A husband that loves me
Good health
A gorgeous day
Family coming to visit me this summer
Three more weeks of OB, (not my cup of tea)
Nursing school friends that support me
This too shall pass
A place where I can share it all
Thanks for listening
3 comments:
Great great great post! It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to pay attention to what is going on and why it may be happening and then to sit quietly and listen...You leaned into the discomfort and you found the answers you needed...know you are loved!!! xoxo
What Gab said..and also.try not to isolate alone in your head.It is one thing not to drink but if you've got the negative stinking thinking bubbling up it can make it much harder for you to focus,on anything.
Thank you for sharing.
We have to learn to live life on life's terms. There will constantly be a battle. We win one and then on to the next, but it is not so that we get the victory. It is so that God gets the glory! Press on.
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