A Big Sigh of Relief

By the Grace of God I made it through my first year of nursing school.  Some of my class mates did not, so it is a bitter sweet.  I am so relieved.......It was a very long wait today, waiting for the grades to be posted.  There was drama.  I am not going to go into it.  My sponsor had to cancel my 6th & 7th  step at the last moment and my heart sank.  I headed to a meeting after a brief altercation with my husband.  As I sped down the road I had a little discussion with God.   It kind of went like this:
WHAT IS GOING ON ?!?!?!?!?!
MENOPAUSE!
ITCHY RASH ALL OVER MY HANDS!
I WANT TO SMOKE SO BAD IT HURTS!
I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE
I AM STRESSED TO THE MAX
NERVES ARE SHOT I TELL YOU! SHOT!
OH, GOD I WANT TO SMOKE
I WANT TO SMOKE SO BAD
TWO YEARS SMOKE FREE
BIG WHOOP TEE DOO!
I FEEL LIKE A STUFFED HOG
I AM GONNA SMOKE!
GOT A LIGHTER IN POCKET
IM DONE, I AM SO DONE, I REALLY NEED HELP
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!


I turned on the radio and a heavy metal station was on.  I cranked it up as loud as it would go and rolled down the windows.  I was driving pretty fast too. I was thinking who would be at the meeting that I could get a cigarette from.  I did not go to this meeting very often and hopefully whoever it was would forget that I quit smoking.  This stinkin thinkin dialouge took all of about 5 seconds.  There was also a nagging thought that perhaps I would drink too, because I was gonna really feel like shit for smoking you know. No, no, no.  That would never happen!  I know a cig will take the edge off.  These people are driving me nuts.  Everyone is getting drunk and forgetting about it and I am here all alone to deal with it all, and I cannot take it.  I need a legal, mind altering, substance. NOW!  A CIGARETTE!


Then this very soft, calm, voice spoke to me and said, "Patty, you have to be true to yourself."
"You have to be true to yourself."
"You have to be true to yourself."
A sudden calm washed over me like a wave from my head to my toes.
I took a huge deep breath and let out a big sign of relief..The insanity left me.
I felt as if I was back on the beam.
I went to the meeting and listened quietly.
I heard what I needed to hear in every single comment.
During the meeting I received four text messages from classmates..."the grades are up." Well, of course they are!
The picture above is from the place where I will be going to a women's 12 step retreat this weekend.

I will take a break for the next couple of weeks and then prepare to get back to class.  Another fresh start.
I am so grateful!