Five years ago today I walked into my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. When they asked if there were any new people I raised my hand. "Introduce yourself ", I was told. I followed my first suggestion that day, and I was on my way! I said, "My name is Patty, and I think I am an alcoholic." I was welcomed, I felt welcome, I felt like I was home. That was the beginning, I "kept coming back." Eventually I got a sponsor and started working the 12 steps. Today I live the 12 steps. I practice these principles in all my affairs, to the best of my ability. I have done the work, I continue to do the work. I love my life. I love being sober!
Tonight I will go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I will take a cake. The cake will say THANK YOU. I will thank the group. I will thank God, because that is were the credit lies, and none with me. This program owes me nothing. Not a coin or applause. I owe this program my life. All I did was get desparate enough to walk in to a meeting. Five years ago today.
Thank You A.A.
Last night I was feeling a little out of sorts. To say that I have been burnig the candle at both ends lately would be putting it mildly. I knew I needed a meeting though, and not just any meeting, I needed my homegroup. These are the folks that have known me since I was a few days sober. The ones I can lean on and know will always be there for me. And even though it has been awhile since I have been there, everyone welcomed me with open arms. Of course they did. We read pages 47-50 in the Big Book and afterward there were lots of hugs. Of course there was.
I love my homegroup.
I think I change my blog template more than I actually blog lately. But the green grass and butterflies are definitely things of the past now. Fall has officially arrived here bringing cold air that requires hats. We built our first fire tonight to rid the house of a damp chill that crept in today during the damp, dreary, drizzle.
I finished a large school project late this afternoon and took my doggy for a walk. Dogs don't care if the sun is out, or if it is not. They don't care if it is a little drizzly and misty rainy. They are still very happy to have your company at the end of the leash for a brisk walk to the park.
Friday night, we finished step two in the little red book. It talked about how it is our privilege to seek the help of a Higher Power. Yes indeed. I feel so privileged today to have sought and found that power that has restored me to sanity, one day at a time. It also reminded us about the mental binges that lead to physical drunkenness and then to spiritual blackouts. I have been on mental binges and spiritual blackouts in sobriety. They are not pretty. Thank God none of them lead to physical drunkenness. Today I can read those words and honestly see myself in them and be so grateful for God's Grace on me. I needed God's Grace to get through that time and it was there. I was on a mental binge for the entire time I was sober. I did not know that I was, but now I can clearly see that I was. And, it is only by the Grace of God, and the people he put in my path, and the little miracles here and there, that I had the courage to do the footwork, and the stepwork and the counseling, to rid myself of my justified resentments, hate, fear, disgust and loathing and so much shame. All justified. But who was I hurting? Why couldn't I let it all go? I could not let it go until I 100% trusted God to take care of me, and them. By them, I mean the ones who had harmed me. The ones who raped, the ones who were the sickest of the sick. The evil ones. In a nutshell, I had to quit playing God. I had to leave the justice up to Him. It was hard! Because I was not aware that I was playing God! Imagine that! An alcoholic in denial about something so freaking obvious! When I was finally able to release all of those emotions, and it took some time, because I would release and then a whole new batch would come up, and I would have to deal with those and so on. Eventually though, I felt a new freedom and a new happiness the likes of which I have never felt in my entire life. And that came when I was finally ready to do the big F word........Forgive. Our Big Book tells us..."More will be revealed." What a loaded statement that is! I remember people telling me, "Don't leave until the miracle happens." I am so grateful that today I can say, "Which one?" There have been so many, and sometimes they may seem like really small insignificant things right at the moment, but they all add up to be my truly blessed life. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, and the 12 steps of recovery.
