Monday Morning

My mind has felt like a battle ground as of late and I have been trying to figure out what the hell is going on.  Whenever I cannot stop focusing on another person's shortcomings, and how much they piss me off, I have to look at Patty, and what is going with her.  I do not have to go into all of the gory details about what irks me about this person. Let's just say that it is a constant effort on my part when I am around her to put up and keep up my boundaries, and keep my mojo running smoothly.  It is like being around a six year old in an adult body.  A six year old that is constantly asking can I have this?   Will you do that for me?  I need you! I miss you!  I love you!  Ring any bells?  Ah, yeah, so the six year old inside of me gets pissed off at me and her because I am allowing myself to be walked all over, and there is really no one else to blame in all of this except for "adult" Patty.  SO, lets proceed in running this other person right down into to the ground, which we all know is so healthy and productive for Patty.....not!  Unfortunately I have to get totally burned out on that entire mode of thinking before I can change it.

I did several inventories on this yesterday and could not put my finger on the exact nature of my wrongs.  This morning I had a moment of clarity shortly after I got up and the bottom line is I resent this woman for "forcing" me to grow up.  You see the type of relationship that she wants from me used to be quite normal for me.  I let someone walk all over me, thinking that is what a good friend does.  I do lots of things for this person in the spirit of unconditional love, yet there are many conditions.  For one thing she needs to grow up and stop bugging me so I do not have to grow up!  Growing up means sticking to my boundaries.  Growing up means saying "No" when I want to, and "Yes" when I want to.  Growing up means being kind and loving and accepting folks for who they are while I keep those boundaries in place.  When someone annoys me for whatever reason, and usually that reason is because they are showing me something in ME that needs to change.  I expect THEM to change to make me OK. That way, I do not have to look at what annoys ME about ME!

  So, once again, acceptance is the key.  Seeing this person "stuck" in a place that I had to work my ass off to get out of, does not have to bother me so much.  Do I have to be her best friend?  Hell no.  BUT!  I can still love her and accept her and maybe even try to help her grow out of where she is if she asks me.  But it does not mean that I have to "enable" her by slipping back into my co-dependency and doing everything for her, and then eventually get pissed off.

Why is it so hard for me to be true to myself?  It is because I am still learning how.  I have never been true to myself.  It feels weird.  You might get pissed if I don't let you walk all over me.  When I am around someone who is getting tons of attention and being taken care of while dislpaying all of my "old" character defects that I have has to work my ass off to see and pray away......I get pissed!  Especially when it is working like a charm!  BUT, thanks to the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous, I can learn from this and move on.  I am so grateful that I no longer feel comfortable staying in a place of bitter resentment.  My alcoholic mind will justify all of these resentments for me for a while, then it really starts becoming work to do so.  Then, thank God, I have listened and learned just enough to finally stop and say, hey, wait a minute!  What the hell is going on!  See how this disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful?  Now, the thought of a drink over all of this had not even occurred to me......yet.  This disease is also very,very patient.  While I am running around being pissed off over what I see now as trivial bullshit, my disease is out there doing push-ups just waiting for me to have that weak moment.  That moment of the "F-it's".  That moment where I will tell myself I "need a little something",  "just one",  "take the edge off."  F these sickos in A.A.  I am so grateful that today I did not go back to the old way.  It is still out there waiting for me, waiting very patiently.  I can never take my sobriety for granted or allow someone else to lead me away from it.  As long as I stay in the steps, live the steps, all will be well.  At least just for today, and that is more than enough!
Thanks for listening,
Patty

Post Script added this afternoon:
"Coincidences are God's way of being anonymous." Author Unknown

Shortly after I wrote this post, my phone rang, it was the person  I had done the inventories on.  She was having a very bad day, was in tears and just needed someone to listen.  I listened and then we talked, next thing I knew we were laughing together.  She thanked me over and over for answering my phone.  Had I not done the step-work, I may have rolled my eyes at that call and let voice mail pick it up.  God is so good.

Peaceful, Easy, Feeling........

It has been quite a week!

I went back to work this week and I made it through forty hours of working outside in extreme heat.  I swear there were times I really felt like I was melting like a Popsicle! Throw in a hotflash here and there and holy crap!  I did it though and gave an honest days work every day.  Thank God I am changing careers though!

I am soooooo excited about the "Little Red Book" meeting one year anniversary tonight!  One year already.  Who knew?  Well, God knew.   I still have a few finishing touches to put on the archive and meeting format I will be reading and following tonight.


Finally:

On Sunday morning I finished the letter to my Mom.  It was very, kind, loving, positive, to the point and honest.  I put it in an envelope and drove down to the post office.  Before I placed it in the mail box I held it to my heart and said "I love you."  I place a big kiss on the front of it and put it in the mail.  It is completely out of my hands now.  I have no idea what the outcome will be.  I have no expectations, although I did have a dream about it last night.  I have to leave the entire situation in God's hands.  That seems to have worked out for the best so far. ;)

I feel so free, and also more than that.  I feel cleansed.  I feel so protected and loved by my Higher Power today. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have everything I ever needed and ever will need.  The best part is that I know as long as I keep working the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and turning everything over to my Higher Power, I will continue to grow and live life to the fullest.

I have a big agenda for today and most of it is really good stuff.  I am so sore from using a bunch of muscles this week that I forgot I had. I think I will go swim a few laps and then hit the whirlpool.  I have an appointment to get my hair done, shopping to do, and cleaning and laundry.  I am getting up early tomorrow morning and going to Southern Ohio for "Meeting on the River."  There is also going to be lunch out and shopping!

I am so grateful today for everything I have been through that has brought me right to where I am right now in this moment.  When I think back on how hopeless I was about my life five years ago.  Five years ago, was the beginning of the end for me.  I am so grateful that the "end" lead me to Alcoholics Anonymous and not my grave.  Look at how much life I was meant to live, one day at a time!  Thank You God!  Thank you fellows in A.A. for keeping the doors open for me!
Have a great weekend everyone!
Love, Patty

Seven-Ten-Ten

Good morning!  The scorching heat and humidity have left us up here.  It is very sunny and pleasant this morning.  Last night we had a great meeting and got all of the final details ironed out for our one year anniversary next week.  We are all so excited!  I cannot believe that it has been a year already.  Lately we have been averaging between 12-16 women a week which seems to be just right.  The other cool part is that we finished the "Little Red Book" last night, so after our anniversary, we will starting all over.  How cool is that? Totally unplanned!

Of course, you know me, things are just going way too smoothly, so guess what?  That's right, I got called back to work.  I have to report for duty a 5:30 AM sharp on Monday.  As a result of that, I had to delegate more responsibilities, so it is all good!  I am so grateful to have the opportunity to earn some money this summer.  I have no idea how long the job will last or anything like that, every little bit helps.

The next two following weekends I have plans to do some really fun stuff too.  One Saturday is a riverboat ride/meeting on the Ohio River.  I have never gone before and I can't wait!  Then the next Saturday I am going to a one day meditation retreat at a Garden Center in the country.  Looking forward to that too.  Great shopping there also!  All of this is dependent on having time off from work now, of course.  I was really hoping my husband and I could get to the beach this summer as I will be in school next summer.  Guess we will have to see about that.  If we stay home and relax on our deck for the rest of the summer that is more than fine with me too.  I need to get some pics up of it.  I made the cutest little "girlie corner" out there.  All pink and white.  My husband even helped me paint the chairs.  He is such a dear.  Are things perfect?  Hell no, but they are pretty great lately.
I had a great session with my counselor on Thursday.  She really helps me to clear some of the clutter out of my brain at times.  Prioritize my priorities so to speak.  I worry about things that are so irrelevant sometimes.  She helped with the letter to my Mom a little too, and it will be going out in the mail within a day or two.  I feel really good about the whole thing.

I feel so blessed today and I attribute it all to God's Grace.  All I did was walk into a church basement hopeless as hell.  I would have never believed that I would ever feel good about my life, myself and especially God.  A.A. has given me all of those things and so much more.  For that I can never be grateful enough.
Namaste,
Patty

The Dog Days of Summer

This is what I wait all winter for! It has been a hot one all week and I have been loving it!  I hope everyone out there is enjoying summer as much as I am!  No summer classes this year!  Yippee.  Next summer will be a different story, though.  But, hey!  Why worry about that now?

I have been working on the letter to my Mom for the last couple of days.  It is a lesson in surrender while keeping my boundaries in tact. I am grateful to have an appointment with my counselor on Thursday.  I have been using my counselor more than my sponsor lately.  Still waiting for word from above on what to do in that situation.  When I do not know what to do, I do what is in front of me until the right thought or action comes. (paraphrased from the BB)

My friend is coming over today for a swim and then we will go to an early evening meeting together.  I am picking up a new girl.  I am so grateful today for my entire life right up to this very moment.  Thank you God for making me who I am.

All is Well

I was actually going to make this a farewell post,but I guess I am not ready yet, because a bunch of stuff came pouring out.  I have been very busy, not really much of anything, cleaning, going to meetings.  The other day I almost got run over by the tractor trying to keep it from going into the creek, so once again I am a hurting unit.  I am going to wash my curtains today and hang them on the line.  I might even take all the covers of the couch cushions and pillows and wash them, that is about as adventurous as it gets for me today!

• My relationship with my sponsor has gone through a drastic change.   God reveals things to us when we are ready.  At first I thought I was seeing a person in her that never existed before, and then I realized that she has always been this way, I was just unable to see it, with her up on that pedestal and all. I am not making any major decisions about what to do yet, but so far prayer has lead me to the conclusion that I can love and accept her for who she is.  The whole experience has brought me closer to God, and given me a broader understanding of myself.

• I have started to pray for all that have harmed me.  I no longer wish any ill will on anyone for anything they have done to me.  This has been a long, long time coming and it really feels right and good for me (finally).  I honestly never  thought that it would.  When I would hear other people talk about forgiveness I would think they were full of crap.  But now, here I am.  I am so grateful that I had a sponsor and a counselor that encouraged me to get mad as hell first, and for as long as I needed.  I do not need to be mad, resentful and hateful anymore.  I have no idea what my true purpose in life is.  I do not know what God's plan is for me.  But, I do know that it is not to hate others and be hateful.  God wants me to love.  God is love.

• I am so, so grateful to be coming out on the other side of this.  It is so easy to stay stuck in the place that I was, that hurtful, place where I was always the victim.  I had to stay there until I got really, really sick of it.

• I am all ready for nursing school.  I have all the funds in order.  Uniforms ordered.  Shots,physical.  I take my basic lifesaving class later this month and all of my ducks will be in a row and I will be ready to hand in everything on my checklist.  I am so excited!  I have no idea what will happen with the work/unemployment picture.  I did apply for a couple of jobs this week.  It is all in God's hands.  The footwork has been done by me, the rest is up to my Higher Power.

• I hope everyone has a great Forth of July weekend!