Wednesday Morning

Good morning!
No more excuses for why I have not been here.  I have been busy not blogging, LOL!

Founders Day was absolutely wonderful!  Totally unplanned and off the cuff.  I ended up spending the day with my friend Kim.  We went to a few meetings and then before the big meeting Saturday night we went to this Lebanese restaurant off the beaten trail and had an awesome dinner.  With the exception of two little 9 oz. coca colas, I stayed on my diet all weekend.  Even brought my husband home a piece of chocoholic chocolate cake.  I did not attend as many of the step panels as I like to on Friday.  I was just out of sorts.  Almost grabbed my friends cigarette right out of her hand and sucked it down.  I left early and came home.  It all worked out  just as it was supposed to.  I had a nice dinner with my husband and headed out to make coffee for my home group. Shortly after I arrived at the church, two girls showed up to help me.  What a blessing!  There were six of us there that night.  Seven counting God, because the presence was overwhelming for me.  Afterward we had a little Group Conscious meeting and got some stuff organized for our anniversary.  Our one year is coming up in one month!  God is so good!

Some family stuff has come up, and it is because of me. I have been on Facebook and I have been in contact with family members I have not talked to in years.  Sad as it sounds, I am talking about brothers and sisters. That has been wonderful. Some other people have tried to contact me and I am so grateful that I am able to say, "No".  It is so freeing to be able to take care of myself.

I saw a picture of my Mom on my sister-in-laws page the other day.  It was from her birthday in April.  She looked really sad and tired.  If you have read my story, then you know the dynamic between us.  It is what it is.  BUT!  The good thing is that having seen that picture caused a few small revelations to occur in me. There was no guilt on my part, but compassion,  I am ready to  pray for her.

While I was at Founders Day, I broke the 6th tradition and perused the off site vendors.  Now, I did not buy anything that had the AA name or triangle on it, I know better than that today.  But, I did buy a little set of dog tags that I am wearing right now.  They say, "Grace" and "Forgiveness."  God has given me so much grace, I am  praying I am able to give forgiveness.  If you really, really know me, you know that this has been a long road for me to even want this in my recovery.  But it really feels right today.  I am so grateful that I did not try and force it before it was time.  Well, I did and ended up with the nervous breakdown. LOL!  Hey, who ever thought you would see a "LOL" after that statement!  I pray that life is settling down after several months of emotional purging.  I am starting to take care of myself again.  By eating good food, exercising, and trying not to overdo.  Balance!  What a joke!  But seriously.  I feel so peaceful and serene today.  I feel like the boundaries are in place and working.  I am doing what I need to do for Patty to recover.  I am going to the meetings I want to go to, when I want to go.  I am spending more time with my husband and have cut back a little on the service work.  I am saying "No", when I want, and "Yes" when I want.  I do not feel like I owe people long explanations or excuses either.  Very freeing!

Now it is time for me to move along and get busy today.  I will never give up blogging!  I love being anonymous and being able to say whatever I want, without someone saying, "I can't believe you said that!"  "What if so and so finds out."  No secrets here, but some of the things I say may be hurtful to some people.  My brothers have no idea that their father is a molester and a predator.  I can see no purpose in telling them about this especially since they do not have any children (yet). I do not wish to be hurtful to anyone.  On the other hand, I do not have to keep the secret anymore either. 
I am so grateful for my life today exactly as it is!
Thank you God!
Thank you AA.
Thank you fellow alcoholics for keeping the doors open and the traditions alive.
Thanks for saving a seat for me in this wonderful fellowship!

Friday Morning Bullets

Good morning!  Once again I apologize for the long absence!

• It is with a heart full of gratitudee that I write this post a clean and sober woman today as I prepare to head to Akron Ohio and visit the very place where Bill Wilson and Dr. Robert Smith first met.  I feel so so blessed to live down the road from there.
• Even though it is Founders Day, I will still have my woman's meeting tonight.  Founders Day is a wonderful thing, but we must still keep the doors open for the newcomer who has no clue who Bill and Bob are, and may be coming to their first meeting.
• In other news, the deck is finished except for a little this and that.  What a glorious feeling!  It really went on way too long!  But it is over now.
• My arm is feeling much, much better! (Thank goodness).  I even ended up having pain meds left over. (miracles never cease!)
• I apologize for being such a lazy blogger.  I guess I am more of a winter blogger when there is not much to do and I am housebound most of the time.
• I have been trying to slow down as the feeling of being a "human doing" rather a human 'being" starts to creep in.
• In 72 days I start nursing school.  I am going to savor every one of them!
• Bye for now!  Have a blessed day everyone!

Friday Morning Gratitude

It has a been a heck of a week.  When I am having a stretch of time like this, it is so easy for me to sink into self pity. Then, reality hits, and I am made aware of just how wonderful my life is even  with all of it's bruises, scrapes and pains, arguments, family dysfunction, commitments,disappointments and moments of clarity.

Yesterday morning I found out that a friend and member of our fellowship had taken her life over the weekend. 

This bit of horrible news made all of my problems seem very small.  It also made me ever so grateful all at once.

God, thank you so much.......

for the life you have given me.

and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that lead me to you.

God, thank you,

..... for the people that you have placed in my path to teach me the lessons I need to learn.

......your unconditional love that you given to others so that they could pass it on to me, and I could pass on to others as well.

 .....teaching me one day at a time, how to deal with "life on life's terms."  I am just now understanding what that means, and it has brought me so much peace and serenity.

God, thank you for granting me the serenity,

to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am so grateful that:

I "got it" when I needed to.

I have the capacity to be honest.

I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober.

I still believe in a (non-human) power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity.

I am so grateful to be grateful!

To have a commitment to make coffee for an AA meeting tonight.

For this moment right now, today and for all of the moments, good and bad that have lead me here, and made me the woman I am today.

I feel so blessed,

For that I am eternally grateful!

Checking In

Excuse my abscence.  I have been really busy helping with the new deck and oh yeah, falling down.....again.  WTF? This time the result of wet stairs and super cheapo flip flops. Sunday night was spent in the ER.  I thought I had broke my arm, but just a badly bruised tendon, possibly  bruised bone. My entire arm hurts from my thumb all the way up to the shoulder. I have never been in that much pain before and was very scared.  The entire thing is all black and  blue and nasty.  They kept asking me over and over how it happened.  I think they thought that my extremely pissed off husband did it.  Thats a whole other story.  No sympathy or warm fuzzies around here.  All of these falls and injuries this month, God is showing that I really need to take of myself and not expect anything from anyone, it just makes it hurt more.  Typing does not feel very good on it either so I will say hasta la vista for now.