Catching Up............ (in bullets)

• It's been a busy week.
• Lots of studying, test taking and such.
• One more week of studying, test taking and such.
• I had a disturbing experience while I did my shift at the the Intergroup office yesterday.  One of those baffling situations that I am unable to intuitively know how to handle at this point.  I think I do now in hindsight, but I do not want to be put in the position again.  I may need to step down and let someone else take my slot.  Not really comfortable being a woman all alone in a secluded building now.
• Yesterday I had to wear my winter coat it was so cold here.  Supposed to be warm today. :)
• My un-employment has been extended.  For that I am grateful.  I have been looking for a job and at this point, unemployment is so high you practically need a degree to scrub floors.
• Lettuce, onions, beans and peas are sprouting up in the garden.  Very soon I will be able to stop buying lettuce!
• On a similar note, my fennel, sage, cilantro and swiss chard all came back this year!  Pretty awesome considering they are annuals.
• I (reluctantly) started using a pronged collar on my dog.  It has been a God-send!  Walking is a new pleasure and I hardly ever need to correct her.  Goes to show ya she respects the prongs more than me, LOL!  I don't care.  It is a miracle!  After nine years of being pulled, it's over baby.
• I am hooked on a new salad that sounds weird, but is absolutely delicious: 

Use baby greens, or my favorite, herb mix (or any lettuce).
Garnish with, fresh blueberries and dried cranberries.  I also add salt free sunflower kernels and feta cheese to mine.  Dress with raspberry vinaigrette.  I like Kraft made with olive oil and poppyseeds, but I am working on a recipe of my own.  I just can't get enough of this salad and have been having it 2x a day, lunch and dinner.  I was thinking, I bet turkey would be good in it too.

• Speaking of turkey, I have two in the freezer and I am having a full turkey dinner on Sunday if anyone wants to stop over, the door is open.  Its supposed to be rainy and cold.
• Last night while doing a yard project my husband broke my little, "Welcome to My Garden" plaque he got me for Christmas.  This morning there was a letter of apology waiting for me and money to go buy a new one.  How sweet he is.
• I am still feeling especially blessed and almost "high" since the retreat.  Having some issues with my sponsor, and have been praying about it.  Grateful I have a counseling appointment on Tuesday.

• At this moment right now I am especially grateful for:

A women's meeting to go to in about an hour

A wonderful relationship with my higher power.

To be able to feel past issues and problems that seemed so huge a couple of months ago, just melt away as I released them to my Higher Power.

To be clean and sober.

A husband that loves me and I love him too.

A sponsee that I just love to pieces.

Next Tuesday is the last day of school for me, (cue hallelujah music)

A.A. and the 12 steps, for without which none of the above would be possible.

P.S.(That is not me in the photo, {credit, Microsoft Office})

Finals Week

There are two weeks of school left in the semester.  That means finals this week and next.  Actually the test tomorrow is not supposed to be a final but it may as well be, it is only the second test in lab this semester.  So I am hitting the books and when I am not in the books, I am at a meeting, or with my new sponsee that I just love to pieces.

So here's what's new: 

• My unemployment ran out, and I'm not sure if I will get another extension. 
• There are not any job prospects to speak of in this town, even in my field.
• Had a complete physical for nursing school Thursday and despite a little cold, was deemed very healthy.
• I have never been this peaceful and serene in my entire life.
• Life is good! 

"Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today.  I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do.  Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to Him; however it turns out, that is God's will for me."

"I must keep my magic magnifying eye on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance.  When I remember this, I can see I've never had it so good.  Thank God for A.A.!"

Alcoholics Anonymous,4th ED. pg. 420

Open Your Heart

Open your heart. 

Let love in.

Never forget that you are loved unconditionally. 

If you do not think this is true,

Know that

I Love You.

Came to Believe

The retreat this weekend was absolutely wonderful.  I renewed my relationship with my Higher Power.  I left some nasty horrible stuff down there for God to deal with, it has just been too much for me, and I finally let it all go.

If you read my blog, or have been reading for a while, you may know that I have some family issues going on. The crux of it is that my step-father molested me, I told my Mom when I was 16, they said I was wrong and not to tell anyone.  Almost three years ago when I told my Mom that I was not wrong, it happened, and told her some other stuff that happened, nothing changed.  There was bewilderment over why I would not coming home for Christmas etc.  I truly believe that I have been grieving for the last few months.  Grieving the loss of my parents.  I am 48 years old and I feel like I am 12 sometimes.  As I got up this morning and started my day in a new way with  new prayers, it felt really good, really comfortable.  It dawned on me.  I had not only a spiritual awakening this weekend, I worked and practiced step two.  I really as if I have been restored to sanity by a power greater than myself.

Friday night a couple of my friends arrived at the retreat late.  I was really excited for them, it was their first time there.  I went to show my friend "P" around the place.  Now, here's the cool part, what she said and what I heard are two different things.  I heard her say that she walked around the back of the building and there she was, "Mother God."  What "P" later told me was that she said, "The Goddess", which actually is characteristic of how she speaks,  but that is NOT what I heard.  On the back side of the chapel is a huge concrete statue of The Virgin Mary.(pictured)  On the inside wall  of the building directly behind her is  the alter and Jesus on the cross.  "P", who has never in her life been to this place told me she was lead to the back of the building in the dark, and there she was.

I really did not give it much thought and went to bed shortly after.  (By the way I was sick as a dog all weekend and I still am, but that's OK.)  I slept pretty soundly but started waking up every fifteen minutes starting at 4:30 AM.  I would drift back to sleep and it felt as if I had slept for hours, but it would have been fifteen minutes.  Every time I would wake up, my friends words would be resonating in my head, "Mother God."  "Mother God."  At 5:30 I got up, got a cup of coffee and walked outside in the cold and pitch black in my pajamas.  I got on my knees on the cold concrete and prayed.  I asked "Mother God" to be my mother.  I sat there quietly for awhile and then I went into the chapel and knelt at the alter.  I looked up at Jesus on the cross and I asked him to be my Father.  I knelt there quietly for a while, and went back to the kitchen.  When I came the first time there was only one other person up besides me, I knew her from last year, said good morning and was on my way, she was reading and I did not want to disturb her.  I went into the kitchen to get some more coffee, and there was a lady there getting some too.  We chatted.  It was her first time at the retreat.  I said, my name is Patty, What is your name?  She said my name is Mary.  I hesitated for a moment and then in my head said, naw, coincidence. I went back to my room and lit a candle and started praying.  Suddenly it hit me, I need to go talk to that lady.  I returned to the living room and there she was.  I told her, I think I am  supposed to talk to you.  She said OK.  I told her, I am not very quick on the uptake sometimes.  She said me too, I have no idea what I am doing up at this hour.  I kept waking up, so I just got up.  I said me too.  I told her my story about "P" and the Virgin Mary and she told me that her mother named her after the Virgin Mary.  And agreed, we were supposed be talking to each other.  Come to find out, we grew up three hours away from each other in NY.  We both had abusive step fathers, we both had mother's who did not protect us.  She told how praying the Rosary and the Hail Mary got her through one of the most difficult times in her life. We must have talked for over an hour because the next thing I knew the sun was up and everyone was else was getting up and it was almost breakfast.

On Saturday night we have an AA meeting at the retreat with a speaker.  Guess who the speaker was this year?  That's right, Mary.  I got to hear her entire story.  That night we stayed up past midnight talking and talking.  Talking about all of the horrible, horrible stuff that had  happened to both of us growing up.  When I went to bed, I lay my head down and fell to sleep instantly.  The next morning I talked to Mary about it and said, you know what we sure did talk about some horrible, nasty, painful stuff last night, but today I feel like, I do not need to talk about it anymore, like I got it all out, gave it to God-finally.  She agreed and told me that told me stuff that she had ever told anyone and some stuff that she had not thought about or talked about in years.  But we both agreed that we felt better for it.  Like we had been purged.  We both could relate to each others feelings on every level. Once again, that validation.  I truly feel as if God worked through both of us FOR each other to help the other heal.  I feel healed inside.  My heart feels happy, joyous and free.

Before Mary and I talked I spoke to Sister Kathy, our Retreat Master.  She was horrified at the things I told her.  That made me realize just how horrible it all was, and how as victims of abuse we minimalize and become in a way jaded by what has happened to us. She then explained to me that I did not have a nervous breakdown, I had a nervous break through.  WOW!  She is soooo right!  I feel like I left all of the hate and anger down in Kentucky this weekend.  I realized that by forgiving, I am not letting anyone off the hook for what they did to me.  It does not make any of it any less horrific.  But it gives me peace.  And I am not saying that I feel forgiveness in my heart........yet.  But I am willing to let My Higher Power take care of me in ways I was never able to do before.

 I am so grateful for all of the Grace I have been granted.  To have walked through all of this sober.  By the Grace of God, I did not have to drink.  A sweet lady in the room next to me gave me a coin that said, "Expect Miracles."  I think I need to pass that on.  I KNOW I am a miracle.  I am so grateful that I stayed sober long enough to experience the miracle that occurred in me this weekend.  Just when I think I could not possibly any feel any more love from my Higher Power I am proved wrong.That is OK with me!

It is a Great Day to be Sober

Good morning.  Up bright and early today so I can hopefully finish my research paper that I just found out is due two days earlier than I had originally thought!  

This year was the best birthday ever!  I can not remember receiving so many gifts, cards, balloons and cakes, yes I said cakes, plural.  I have some very sweet and thoughtful friends for sure.  Of course the best part is folks utter disbelief when I tell them my age. (I know, bragger, but what the hell)  Gotta love that!  Thanks to all of you who stopped by as well!

Tomorrow morning I am leaving for a retreat for two days.  I look forward to this every year.  I have no expectations as usual, just to relax and enjoy!

Yesterday I bought myself a new Big Book.  My old one is pretty marked up, I have had it almost five years.  When the semester is over this year I would like to go through the steps with my sponsor.  This year on my birthday I really do feel re-born.  I feel as if I am moving out of a state of grief and mourning. There is so much that has been going on, I regret that I cannot share all of it solely due to time restraints at this point.  Rest assured that God is, and always has been working in my life.  I got a new sponsee and she is a huge blessing to me.  She is actually the first "real" alcoholic I have sponsored.  Man does that make it so much more simple!   The meds I am on are definitely working.  Better than I would have believed.  The  main difference I feel is that my mind has slowed down.  Way down.  Boy did I need that.  My grades in school have gone up too, which I could have never guessed would happen.  I guess when my mind is not constantly in state of denied anxiety,I can actually concentrate and retain knowledge!

I am sorry I do not get to everyones blog like I usually do.  It will probably be this way for the next few weeks until finals are over.  I am really looking forward to having the summer off from school at least.  No word from work yet, but I can bet that if I leave the bulk this term paper to do on Monday, I will most likely get called back and caught with my pants down!  I am going to take my research an maybe even my laptop to the retreat with me.  At least that way if I do find myself obsessively thinking about it, I will be able to work on it. 

I have mentioned here recently that I have a mommy and daddy mallard duck that come up to the pine tree every morning and evening to feed.  Well, add to that two bunnies, and then the last two nights there have been three deer out in the yard.  The only bad thing about the deer is that they like to eat the buds off the apple trees!  They are so cute though!  Almost got a pic last night.  Got to be careful, I do not want to spook them into running out into the road and getting hit.  Beleive it or not, kitty and doggy are becoming accustomed to the ducks.  I hope it stays that way when the babies come.  They like to "play" with the ducklings.  

Got to run for now.  More work on my paper, and have to go pick up some last minute items for the trip, go to my womens meeting this afternoon, walk doggy,make supper, go to class.  Life is so good!  I think I am going to get a pedicure today too!

Thank you God for keeping me sober!  "Life is a highway, I'm gonna ride it all night long!"

It's My Birthday Today

And it has been going on since Friday!  I keep getting one wonderful surprise after another.  I cannot ever remember being fussed over like this!  It is wonderful!  My favorite gift is pictured here.  Remember that best, old friend I wrote about the other day?  Her Mom sent me this along with a beautiful card and a little wise owl to keep in my pocket, (and I do).  Isn't she beautiful?  The pic does not do her much justice. Her wings are made of glass.

Gotta go now, more birthday fun things going on and I also have school tonight and my homework is not done yet! Speaking of school, I got an 84 on my last test!

Life sure is good today!  I am so grateful to be enjoying it sober!  I can remember  looking forward to birthdays as a time when I could drink how I really like to drink (like a pig) and it would not look abnormal.  Today I have so many friends in AA who love me and care about me, for me, exactly the way I am.

Thank you God for the life you have given me.
Thank you God for AA.

In Memory of the Coal Miners of West Virginia

The Rocks Down Here

            

First hour of every shift down in the mine,

shakes and cold sweats worse 'n grippe

that near took me last spring.

Past that, I begin to feel easy-like,

moving through the dark.

You can bet your bottom dollar

them Baldwin-Felts gun thugs

won't hound a man down into the hole

to devil him.  Nor can a woman's eyes
follow after him, craving

to be somewhere else, somewhere clean

in green leaves and sun, where she don't

spend her days wiping coal dust

and scraping to feed young 'uns.  Seven

is hard to feed.  The rocks down here

they don't expect nobody to love them

and they don't ever need shoes, nor get

all big-eyed and hungry, looking

at a man.  After an hour or so down below, a body gets to thinking,

a mountain on your back, hell,

that ain't nothing.

                                                   Diane Gilliam Fisher, Kettle Bottom

[photo credit: Denis Thorpe]

Spring Morning

Around two AM this morning I woke to the sound of rain and thunder.  I had my widow open a little last night and it smelled wonderful!   I rolled over and fell back to sleep and slept like a kitty cat until eight AM. This was our first April shower! Could it be that winter has really left us for the duration?  I hope so.  I love spring.  I love the renewal and hope of it all.  All of these beautiful delicate little flowers were buried under three or more feet of snow not very long ago.  And this morning the birdies are singing, the grass is growing, flowers booming and thank God, the sun is shining!

Easter Sunday we planted potatoes, onions, garlic, shallots, peas, beans, lettuce, spinach,squash and cucumbers.

Some days I think, 'What if they call me back to work today?"  I'm telling you guys, I am ruined!  If I never worked another day in construction it would be OK with me.  Money is kind of tight right now.  I probably will not be getting the "Coach" perfume I want for my birthday next week, but man, life is damn good.  Bills paid, food in fridge, gas in car.  I am so grateful to be alive, sober and yes, at the moment, unemployed.

It sure seems quiet in the old blogging neighborhood lately.  This morning I am asking for prayers for my blogging buddy Chris and her Mom, if you are not already praying for her.  What a trying time, and Chris is generous enough to share all of it with us, even when she is less than perfect at handling it all sometimes, God Bless her!  God please give Chris the strength she needs to continue to make it through this, Thy will be done.

Have a great day everybody!

Best of Friends

 Last night I re-connected with an old friend that I have not spoken to in a long time.  Every once in a while we would  hear from each other, but then phone numbers would get lost, time passes and life goes on.  Last night we vowed to stay in touch this time.  We did some catching up and laughed, talked, and cried for over three hours! I am so happy.  Funny how years can pass and we picked right up like we never missed a beat.  That is how it is with folks you have known forever.

The last time we spoke was when her dear, sweet, brother passed away.  I was away at laborers school when it happened.  I regret not just leaving and going the funeral.  I wish I had been there for my friend and her family that day.  While listening to her tell me about the entire ordeal last night my admiration for this woman that I have known since we  were little girls just grew by leaps and bounds. Growing up, me, "K", my brother and her brother, well, we were like the four Musketeers.  If they were not spending the weekend at our house, we were spending the weekend at theirs.  There are so many happy memories from that time in my life.  Especially at Halloween! "K" is the good part of my childhood that I hold close to my heart.

Being validated by "K" last night helped me so much. It is difficult for me to put into words the comfort I felt talking to someone who really knows me, and who has known me and my family for my entire life.  That is something that I had no idea I missed so much. I felt so comforted and loved.  She knows My Story.  She was the one I confided in when all the bad things happened to me.  She knows me.  She knows Him, and Her.  She remembers what it was like to live there because she would come over and stay the night.  She remembers the control, manipulation, brow beating, lectures, interrogations.   She validated me last night.  My guilt melted away.

She has her own survivor story too.  For us to part ways and go through what we have gone through and then come back together again is truly a gift from God!

Easter Sunday

Here's wishing you all a wonderful Easter Sunday filled with love and gratitude!

Sober, Sunny, Saturday

I hope everyone has a great Easter weekend.  Like all holidays it will be quiet around here.  No family get together's.  That's OK.  We are going to the farm store after breakfast to get seeds for the garden.  We will be putting some green beans and maybe some cucumbers.  Definately lettuce and spinach! It is so wonderful to able to be work outside in shirtsleeves.   My husband does most all of the work.  I will be sitting outside studying today.  Another big test this Thursday. 

We have a Mommy and Daddy duck that have been coming up to eat under the bird feeder.  The doggy and kitty have been pretty accommodating so far.  No guarantees when the ducklings come along.  Last year the cat caught one and brought it over to the dog.  I looked out the window and saw her licking a  baby duckling under her paw.  I went out and made her drop it and get away from it.  I was surprised when she did so without any resistance.  I picked up the duckling and headed to the shed to get the shovel.  I was so surprised to find that despite being covered in dog slobber and scared to death, the little duck was just fine.  I took her down to the creek and she swam off quacking all the way.

That's about all that is going on my  Ho-Hum, boring, blessed, simple, sober life today!  Life is great today, only because I have not found it necessary to drink one day at a time for the last 1621 days.  Don't know why, just felt like counting them up today.  Hope you all have a Blessed weekend.

Good Friday

It is Good Friday.  A day of reflection and reverence.  For me it is a day filled with genuine gratitude and unconditional love.

It is also my husband's birthday.  What a wonderful day to totally get out of myself.  This is a man who never had a card or a present let alone a party growing up and was always told that it is just another day.  How could anyone tell their child that the day they were born is just another day?  I am glad he was born and that I found him.  So without going over the top, I will make this day low key, yet special for him:

I will get a Dairy Queen ice cream cake-chocolate ice cream with chocolate cookie crumbles, and anything else chocolatey they can add to it.

I will cook his favorite dinner-surf and turf.

I will buy him a nice cigar or two and maybe even a six pack of his favorite beer.

I will mow the lawn  :)

I will pick him some daffodils!

What does Good Friday mean to you?

It Was Just a Dream

Last night I had a dream that my cardboard cutout kids starting acting up in the car.  When I started yelling at them they turned human and started to cry.  I started to cry too, and was saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Some days I truly believe that by not being able to conceive, God spared me a huge heartbreak that I would not have been able to bear.
The crying turned into cat meowing.
I woke up and my kitty was ready to go outside.  It was 4:30 AM.  I have been up ever since.
I have a million errands to run and things to do today, then school tonight.
Think I will go back to bed and start over.