Wordless Wednesday

Short Post Tuesday #353

Love number 353!  I love prime numbers in general.  Lab work to finish before class tonight.  The utmost thing on my mind today?  Seventeen days until the Womens AA retreat in Kentucky.  I cannot wait!  This year it will be a belly button  birthday present to myself.  I am looking forward to it very much.  SO I am working OT to get assignments done so I can truly relax and not worry about school!
Have a great day everyone!  Mwaw!

Grateful

Today I am grateful:

For a wonderful weekend filled with laughter and fellowship.

Despite being very busy the last few days, there was some sort of balance to it.

The physical and emotional feeling of calm that has come over me.

My life just as it is.

Charades ( the good kind)

Last night I went to sober birthday party and had an absolute ball.  I have been to a few parties in sobriety and this one topped them all.  One of the games we played was charades and it was a riot!  It is the first time that I have ever played charades straight.   Another really cool thing was that there were a few "new" girls there too, and they were having just as much of a good time as I was.  That is a really cool thing to see. There was a whole bunch of good old fashioned belly laughing going on all night.  I went expecting only to stay for a very short time and it was after mid-night when I got home.
Tonight is an anniversary and I have made a commitment to go.  Last night I stopped and realized I am on a roll of seven nights in a row of ramming around.  I need to watch that, but right now I am commited and I will stick too it.  I am so grateful to be off work and to be able to study at my leisure.

The haircut came out fantastic!  I just love it.  It is the first time I have had my hair off my neck (unless in a ponytail) in over thirty years.  It looks and feels wonderful.
Well, time to hit the books for a few hours.  It is a rainy blah day outside and that is OK.  The sun is shining in my heart today.
Have a great, sober Sunday all!

Sunny Saturday

Not yet, but every star is shining in the early morning sky and that means a sunny day.  Yestgerday I studied all day.  Sounds grueling, but it went by fast and I got alot done.  Today I will study some more.  I will go to the beauty salon and get my hair cut and colored.  I am going for a whole new style.  I have had long hair for years and years.  This year it keeps getting shorter and shorter and it feels wonderful!  Liberating! Today I will go from my collar bone to my chin.  I may even get some highlights.

On a totally different note......I hate that I have to say this on my blog, but......If you are not on my sidebar and I block you from my e-mail, and I do not publish your comments, it is all for a very good reason.  Because I can.  It is because I have this little thing I like to call "spidey senses."  And if you get my "spidey senses" on alert, I heed that.  For years and years I would dismiss my spidey senses.  I do not do that anymore.  Am I right every time?  Probably not.  I really don't care.  If your feelings are hurt, you need to get over it.  This blog is about me, not you.  So, I hope this message gets across to the people that need to see it, and you know who you are.  Please leave me alone.  Thank you!

Friday Morning Bullets

TGIF!

• I like to think of Friday as the beginning of my week rather than the end of it.  Tonight is my favorite meeting.  It is the one I started eight months ago.  It is a step study except for the last Friday of each month we have a speaker.  I always tell the chairwoman not to tell me who the speaker is, I want to be surprised!
• The result of my professor allowing me to take my exam after spring break was a B+ (88%)  I am so thrilled and grateful.  Just goes to show you it never hurts to ask for help.
• On the same tack, I went to talk to an academic advisor the other day and she was very impressed with my transcript.  It made me wonder, "How come I am not impressed?"
• I am going to try to be more positive about things and see the beautiful forest for what it is, and stop focusing on that one ugly tree.  Old habits sure are hard to break!
• Last night it snowed like the dickens.  This morning the sun is shining and melting the snow.  March is getting ready to leave us like a big ole lion.
• Today my mantra is "Easy does it," and "It is what it is."
• Hope you all have a wonderful sober day!

Beautiful Sunny Day

It is a beautiful sunny day today.  I will not take it for granted.  When March comes, we never know how long the sunshine will last, or how close the storm is that may be behind it.  There may be snow or rain or both coming soon.  So today I will walk in the sunshine and let it warm my cold, winter bones.

Today I am grateful;

For God in my life every day, rain or shine.

For sunshine, and all the feelings of hope and happiness it evokes in me.

My doggy who eagerly awaits a walk in the sunshine with me.

Plans for making a nice dinner for my hubby and me tonight.

To be able to put both feet on the floor when I wake up in the morning.

Hot coffee

The best nights sleep I have had in weeks.

Tuesday Morning Gratitude

Today I am grateful:

For Spring weather.  Yesterday we had sunshine, thunder, lightning and rain. (no snow)

Tulips, crocuses and hyacinths popping up out of the ground.

A wonderful weekend filled with friends and fun.

To be feeling better after a rough patch.

That I had all of spring break to study for a test and yesterday I took it and did very well.

I asked for help and got it.

God,The steps,meetings.

My husband, doggy and kitty.

That I will definitely be attending nursing school this fall.

To be alive, sober and recovering.

New beginnings, they can happen any time.

Spring Break

Taking a break. See you in the Spring.

Saturday Morning

Today I am grateful:

For another day

A loving God in my life

The 12 steps

New women showing up in the rooms

Rainy (not snowy) days

That there is a solution, and thank God I am part of it

My little family, consisting of hubby and kritters

The Hyacinths, crocuses and tulips beginning to pop up

A wonderful, well timed, note I recieved in the mail yesterday from someone many miles away

TGIF

That probably sounds weird coming from someone who is not working at the moment, but I do love my Friday's.  Tonight is my ladies homegroup meeting and I am sooooo looking forward to it!

Yesterday I went to a woman's step meeting and we discussed step 3.  Hmmm.  I feel like I am right in the middle of that step today.  Practice, practice, practice.  It is back to basics for me, and that is OK.  I am feeling much relief having gone in and talked to my doctor yesterday as well.  I go back in a few weeks to let him know how I am doing.


Today I am very grateful:

To be clean and sober
For a loving God in my life
The women of AA
My husband
Good friends reaching out and supporting me
That I asked for help, and got it
Medical insurance, right when I needed it
Wonderful weather this week
Extra time to prepare for my exam
Friday night chic meeting (it rocks!)
Coconut shrimp for supper tonight
A dinner date with my husband tomorrow night
This day today.

A Little Relief...And Thanks

I have come to the conclusion that school is a major part of my problem.  School is not the problem, the way I am handling the stress of school is the problem. Yesterday after studying all day for a test I am supposed to take tonight, the thought dawned on me, maybe she would let me take the test after spring break? What the hell, can't hurt to ask.  I sent an e-mail out to my prof and went for a walk.  Suddenly I felt much better.  I thought, well if she says "no" I will just show up and do the best I can even though I do not feel near prepared enough.  I got the reply around 7:30 last night, She said OK.  That means I have until the 22nd of this month to prepare.  I did talk to her Tuesday night ( as I was the last one to leave lab, as usual), and talked about my grades and what I have been going through with these hormones or brain chemicals or whatever it is.  Maybe all the stress is getting to me as well.  Not maybe, it definitely is.

Today I have an appointment with my doctor.  I am also going to a women's AA meeting this afternoon with a friend and we are going to the thrift store afterward.

Yesterday after our walk me and doggy stopped to visit our elderly neighbor.  We don't see or talk to each other much in the winter.  Spring time gets us out in the yard pecking around.  We sat on her porch and she poured her heart out to me.  This 80+ year old woman is dealing with a daughter who is slowly dying of cancer.  While I sat and listened, my doggy went up and lay her head on the woman's lap(after she smothered her with kisses)  She looked up at me with a huge grin on her face.  She was going to get loved up weather she wanted it or not!  As she pet the dog she sighed and I could see the tension being relieved with every pet of that dog's head.  I am so glad we stopped over.  It really felt good to sit and listen and empathize.  Not solve or say how she should be handling this, but just be there and listen.  Also felt good to get out of ME!  UGH! GAG!  I am so sick of this shit! 

I know you cannot tell by my posts, but I have been using the all of steps to move through this.  I have been praying, meditating, doing inventory as well.  I have been talking to my friends and my sponsor in AA.  I have the love support of my wonderful husband.   I also need medical help and I am getting that too. I have been vague and brief on purpose because I have been in a very dark place.  I never want this blog to be a dark depressing place.  It is my place of recovery and discovery,  Of sharing what I am going through and most importantly, sharing the solution. There is still more stuff that I have no idea what the outcome will be, but I am powerless over that today and I have to trust that it is going to turn out the way it supposed to.
I am so grateful today for all of my blessings, to be sober, loved, to have a wonderful God of my understanding. Great friends who care.  The last week has been hell, but it is what I had to go through to get where I am today right now in this moment.
I want to thank all of you thoughtful bloggers for being here for me too.  The outpouring of love and prayers has really touched me.  So many kind words from folks I never even knew read my blog, and from those who are are regulars too.  Thank you so much!

Walking Through It

Thanks so much to everyone for all of your kind thoughts and prayers yesterday.  Never in a million years did I want this blog to be such a downer, but here it is.

I just deleted several paragraphs of blah, blah, blah.  It is what it is. 

I am still clean and sober and intend to stay that way for the next 24 hours.

Post # 340

Not much to write about today.  I am going through a very tough time this.......month I guess.  I do not know what is wrong, I am sick of trying to figure it out.  I cannot ever remember when I have felt like this.  It really sucks.  I hope I will be coming out on the other side soon.  I have been on my knees constantly.  Yesterday I found out that nursing school may not be an option for me.  I am regretting my past and wishing I could forever shut the door on it.  I really cannot go into it here. Everything is up in the air.  It is in God's hands now.  I have done the footwork, everything I could do.  I really feel like giving up on everything.  I am so sad.  I may even drink. But not today. Saturday I almost smoked.  I feel like I need something, to do something to relieve this pain in my soul that refuses to leave. I am so overwhelmed I just cannot stand it.  I am also sick of analyzing myself and trying to figure this out.  For today I am going to hang on for another 24 hours and do what is front of me, but I cannot ever remember when it has been this hard.

"If You Have Decided...............

..........you want we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps"

I know, I know I should be studying!  Have a great Sunday everyone!

Why?

Why do I have to do all this stuff?
Why can't I just stay pissed off at someone?
Why do I have to do inventory?
Why do I have to take the high road?
Why do I always have to look at my part and my part only?
What about their part?
Why does this have to be so frickin hard sometimes?
Why do I have to do a gratitude list?
Why can't I just feel sorry for myself all day?

Do you really want to know why?

YES!

Because you're an alcoholic and it's a matter of life and death THAT'S WHY.

(BIG SIGH) You are right.

Today I am Grateful:

For a loving God of my understanding.
 
For a set of tools that always work,(the 12 steps) but first I have to pick them up and use them.

For the women in AA that help me get turned around, and have been there for me when I could not be there for myself.

For this day today.

Friday Morning

• 15 days until  Spring
• 6 days until Spring Break!
• The maple sap is running and today we will go out and tap some trees. 
• Tonight is "Little Red Book" and then this weekend is a "studyfest" up until Monday. 
• The prayer has really been helping, go figure.  While praying I try to think of anyone else that I have a resentment towards.  Sometimes we have been angry for so long, it starts to feel normal.
• I do not want my anger to feel normal and justified, at least not forever and ever.
• It is finally starting to sink in that feelings are just that, feelings. Not facts. It's OK to feel them and then let them go.
• I don't have to over analyze everything anymore either.  That comes with acceptance, accepting folks for who they are, and me for me.  I do not have to analyze every word you say or action, and turn it into something towards me.  Whew!  What a relief!  Giving everyone a big break on that one! Not everything is about me!  Some things just are what they are and they would still be that way even if I had never walked on the earth.
• I wonder if "normal people" have to tell themselves this shit?  

(photo credit, me, last years maple syrup)

Asking For Help

Is it Wednesday already?
Last night the Micro test was hideous!  Hideous I say!
95 questions and 5 essays.
Yep, I'm in big girl school now, better those big girl panties on, and pulled up.
I am pretty sure I passed but there was a whole lot of guessing going on.  I refused to let myself drift into the negative.  I kept saying, "Oh, you know that, just come back to it later" and sure enough later, many of the answers came.
I am trying to remove the words stupid and dummy form my vocabulary

Yesterday I went to my doctor and asked for help.  I did not want to, but I have been doing everything I can to feel better and it is just not happening.  I have been praying, doing positive affirmations.  Taking herbal supplements.  And my ADD is still off the charts.  It is starting to interfere with my day to day life and it has never been this way before.  Also the whole PMS thing.  I have been to "proud" I guess you could say, to ask for this help.  I thought I could do it on my own.  The counselor suggested exercise first, hey, I am exercising.  I am going 2x a week and I really, really enjoy it. The thought of having to go and run on a treadmill and then not doing it, kind of gave me anxiety.  So I asked for help and I got it and hopefully it will help me.  My doctor also wanted to check my thyroid and make sure it was OK, he told me that all of my symptoms could also be caused by it, so let's make sure that it is OK.  I feel  relieved.  It's OK to ask for help too!  This medication may not even do anything, or maybe it will have the placebo effect!  I don't know, but there is a reason why when I asked God for help, suddenly things started to fall into place that lead me to where I am right now.I am optimistic and relieved.  Funny too, when I told my husband, who is usually against this type of thing, he was all for it too.

Another thing on my plate...anger.  Anger towards my family and my abusers.  I spoke to my sponsor about it yesterday.  She said, yes, Patty it has been coming out "sideways" and it is very noticeable.  Sigh.  She suggested that maybe it is time for me to start praying if I am ready to forgive.  Well, guess what?  I am ready to forgive....for myself.  I am sick of being stuck in this hate.  I have had that feeling of being stuck for some time now and I am ready to let it all go.   Man, what an overhaul!  If you are regular reader of my blog, you know this is a huge step for me and has been a long time coming.  The actual act and thought of forgiveness does not piss me off at this point, so I think I am ready.
OK.  Now I will start my day.  I will do it after having already prayed and asked for God's help.  I will do it sober!

One more thing...........................................................................  There are some pretty special people out here in blogger land, and you all know who you are.  I am talking about the ones who take the time to stop by and say hello, leave a kind comment, send or return an e-mail.  I really appreciate you guys.  Thank you for being here.  Thank you for being part of my life and my recovery!

{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}