To say that I have a case of the February blahs seems like such an understatement!
This month has been blah, blah, blah.
Grey and white.
Goodbye February.
Hello full moon.
Hello March!
I do not care if it comes in like a lamb or a lion.
Yesterday I got a little shot in the butt that I needed. I got a letter from the director of the nursing program where I attend school addressed to: Member of the class of 2012! I know it is a generic form letter, but it was addressed to me. I will be attending a seminar next week explaining everything I need to know about getting ready to start nursing school. I am really excited! My husband is too. He has been there every step of the way with me. Four years of taking classes part time. The stress, the meltdowns, the sacrifices. It ain't all over yet honey, but most of it is. Two more years to go! God willing. It is hard for me to believe that I am actually coming into the home stretch on this goal! I have never had a goal in life like this before. Dreams? Yes. Fantasies? Yes. I actually got off my ass and went for it! The fact that I have stuck with it this long and not given up (even though I have wanted to many times) is all because I have God in my life, and I am sober. And I would not have anything if I had not found the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and worked the 12 step program of recovery. I am so grateful the rooms of AA were here for me when I showed up. Thanks to all of you folks who kept the doors open before I got here. Now I better go study for my Microbiology test!
Have a great day everyone!
21 DAYS UNTIL SPRING!
Sharing thoughts on being a recovering woman seeking calm acceptance of life on life's terms
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
No.334 in Bullets
- I wish that I had noticed that yesterday was post number 333. I think that is a cool number.
- I went to see my counselor yesterday and she gave me a Rx for my ADD, anxiety, and peri-menopause. Vigorous cardio workout 3X a week. She also recommended Vitamin D and B-Complex. I will go back in a month to see if things are better and we will go from there. (She was very happy to see me too!)
- I really needed that shot in the butt to get me to the gym more often.
- She also recommended a few things I need to give to God and let him take care of, if I am ready to feel better about some things.
- Has anyone ever heard of a State run relapse prevention program that includes a mandatory Bible study? Just wonderin'.
- Tonight is "Little Red Book" I am making coffee. It is the last Friday of the month and we will have a speaker. I am so glad because I really need to sit and listen!
- Have a great weekend everyone!
- I am going to put on my i-pod and pretend I am that starfish for a while today.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Thursday And It's Snowing
Thursday morning and it is snowing.........again. I can remember my Grandma H. saying February is blah, but March is the cruelest! I think because in March we do get those little glimpses of what is coming around the corner....Spring! Thenit will snow again. I am ready for some cruelty! I always think I am OK when this month starts, and here we are in the last week of February and I feel like I am hanging by a thread. (sigh) There is still over a foot of snow in the yard, will it ever melt? I need some sunshine and warm temps.
Last night I walked in the house exhausted and stopped and thought for a moment and I have gone somewhere every night for the last eight nights! That is ridiculous for me. Tonight I have class, tomorrow is my womens meeting and then I am taking a break!
Tuesday night at school, (after I had my little meltdown) I found out that due to all the snow days they were omitting a lab (yeah!), and moving the lab practical up one week (boo). Yeah, like next week, as in Tuesday, as in five days from right now. It's a good thing I was in the rest room having my little tizzy when that announcement was made because I may have said or done something I would regret. Like WTF? They waited long enough to make that decision!
I need to make some changes. I thought about quitting blogging for a while, but I really need this outlet. I am sponsoring two girls right now, and I need to let them go a little. I always say I am not going to be the taxi cab and I always end up being the taxi cab. The really new one has enough contacts to get to a meeting every day without me now. I have things in my life that I need to attend to. One of them school and the other my marriage. My husband has not come right out and said anything to me directly, but I know he is not real happy when I rush out the door every evening after supper. Last night was the true ah-hah moment for me when I could barely keep my eyes open during the meeting. I am really glad I went though. I heard a great message.
Today I slept right through palates class. I have a three o'clock appointment on campus for a massage. After that I will have an hour to study before lecture. After lecture I was hoping to go to lab and study slides for the exam, but I have an appointment with my counselor and I intend to keep it!
Today I am so grateful for:
Last night I walked in the house exhausted and stopped and thought for a moment and I have gone somewhere every night for the last eight nights! That is ridiculous for me. Tonight I have class, tomorrow is my womens meeting and then I am taking a break!
Tuesday night at school, (after I had my little meltdown) I found out that due to all the snow days they were omitting a lab (yeah!), and moving the lab practical up one week (boo). Yeah, like next week, as in Tuesday, as in five days from right now. It's a good thing I was in the rest room having my little tizzy when that announcement was made because I may have said or done something I would regret. Like WTF? They waited long enough to make that decision!
I need to make some changes. I thought about quitting blogging for a while, but I really need this outlet. I am sponsoring two girls right now, and I need to let them go a little. I always say I am not going to be the taxi cab and I always end up being the taxi cab. The really new one has enough contacts to get to a meeting every day without me now. I have things in my life that I need to attend to. One of them school and the other my marriage. My husband has not come right out and said anything to me directly, but I know he is not real happy when I rush out the door every evening after supper. Last night was the true ah-hah moment for me when I could barely keep my eyes open during the meeting. I am really glad I went though. I heard a great message.
Today I slept right through palates class. I have a three o'clock appointment on campus for a massage. After that I will have an hour to study before lecture. After lecture I was hoping to go to lab and study slides for the exam, but I have an appointment with my counselor and I intend to keep it!
Today I am so grateful for:
- A God of my understanding always with me, loving me unconditionally
- The women of AA
- Wanting to take care of myself and the willingness to take baby steps towards that
- A husband and two critters that love me, and love having me around
- Strong sponsorship
- New girls in AA, reaching out
- Another day sober to try and be my best!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Each Day A New Beginning
Thank God for that. I had a trying day yesterday. Out of left field, emotions hit me right between the eyes. Feelings of inadequacy and not being "good enough" can flood over me in an instant. I had to get up and leave lecture. I went in the ladies room and let it all go.
I'm sick of school.
I'm sick of working so hard.
Why can't I remember anything?
Why am I so freaking' stupid?
Who am I trying to kid anyway?
If I'm lucky I'll get my measly two year degree when I am 50.
50!!!!
Why couldn't I have just done what I was supposed to do when I was younger and not screwed up so much?
I wasted so much of my life.
Why bother?
Oh crap I can't stop crying.
I think I 'll call my sponsor.
She talked me down off the "ledge."
She reminded me of a few things I take for granted:
I could be drunk somewhere talking about going to school, but instead I am doing it. I could be dead too, but God wants me to live my life as it is today.
C=RN (where did she hear that?)
If I want straight A's I can have them, but I have lots going on my life right now.
Maybe I need to take care of myself a little more than I have been....BINGO.
Right now I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and comparing myself to other people
BIG SIGH.........
Last night before I lay down, I go over my tenth step. I tell my husband I am sorry for being such a Grouchy Gus. I tell him I love him. I tell Patty I am sorry for beating her up too. I pick up "Each Day A New Beginning" by Karen Casey And read this:
I want to dance always, to be good and not evil, and when it is over not to have the feeling that I may have done better.
-Ruth St. Denis
Our wants in life may be simple, or they may be complex. The may be confused in our minds, but this clarity will come if we are patient. God has a way of giving us an "inner tug" when a certain direction beckons. Our responsibility is to follow that tug and trust it, fully. Too often we look back on our lives with regret. What is done, is done. We learned lessons from these mistakes. Every day is a new beginning. And we can close every day with no regrets when we have followed our consciences, that "inner tug" that beckons.
The opportunities will come today. Opportunities to be good or evil. Opportunities for making choices over which we will feel good or full of regret at the day's close. Many of our choices will bring us closer to the satisfaction, the contentment with life, that we all search for as women, as human beings. We need not fear coming to life's close, wishing we had done more or better. Living each day in good conscience, waiting for the tug and following it will ensure a life well lived.
My ego can block out the tug, if I let it. Or I can trust.
From "Each Day A New Beginning", February 23. Karen Casey
Today I will study.
I will take care of myself.
I will eat good food.
Drink lots of water.
I will smile at all I meet, it may be the only smile they see all day.
I will go to a meeting.
I will give it all to God.
I'm sick of school.
I'm sick of working so hard.
Why can't I remember anything?
Why am I so freaking' stupid?
Who am I trying to kid anyway?
If I'm lucky I'll get my measly two year degree when I am 50.
50!!!!
Why couldn't I have just done what I was supposed to do when I was younger and not screwed up so much?
I wasted so much of my life.
Why bother?
Oh crap I can't stop crying.
I think I 'll call my sponsor.
She talked me down off the "ledge."
She reminded me of a few things I take for granted:
I could be drunk somewhere talking about going to school, but instead I am doing it. I could be dead too, but God wants me to live my life as it is today.
C=RN (where did she hear that?)
If I want straight A's I can have them, but I have lots going on my life right now.
Maybe I need to take care of myself a little more than I have been....BINGO.
Right now I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and comparing myself to other people
BIG SIGH.........
Last night before I lay down, I go over my tenth step. I tell my husband I am sorry for being such a Grouchy Gus. I tell him I love him. I tell Patty I am sorry for beating her up too. I pick up "Each Day A New Beginning" by Karen Casey And read this:
I want to dance always, to be good and not evil, and when it is over not to have the feeling that I may have done better.
-Ruth St. Denis
Our wants in life may be simple, or they may be complex. The may be confused in our minds, but this clarity will come if we are patient. God has a way of giving us an "inner tug" when a certain direction beckons. Our responsibility is to follow that tug and trust it, fully. Too often we look back on our lives with regret. What is done, is done. We learned lessons from these mistakes. Every day is a new beginning. And we can close every day with no regrets when we have followed our consciences, that "inner tug" that beckons.
The opportunities will come today. Opportunities to be good or evil. Opportunities for making choices over which we will feel good or full of regret at the day's close. Many of our choices will bring us closer to the satisfaction, the contentment with life, that we all search for as women, as human beings. We need not fear coming to life's close, wishing we had done more or better. Living each day in good conscience, waiting for the tug and following it will ensure a life well lived.
My ego can block out the tug, if I let it. Or I can trust.
From "Each Day A New Beginning", February 23. Karen Casey
Today I will study.
I will take care of myself.
I will eat good food.
Drink lots of water.
I will smile at all I meet, it may be the only smile they see all day.
I will go to a meeting.
I will give it all to God.
Monday, February 22, 2010
All The Answers
Thanks so much to everyone for the questions!
Mary Christine asked, "What has been your most challenging course so far and why?
Lou asks, "When and why did you decide on nursing?"
Enchanted Oak asked, "What's your favorite sober memory?"
Mary LA asked, "What is the single most difficult thing you have had to accept in sobriety?"
Tall Kay wanted to know how I got into construction and will I miss working outside once I am in nursing?
Last but not least, Syd asked, "What would I say to Bill W. if I could meet him today?"
And thanks to ALL of you. This was so much fun! It really made me think too.
Kristen H. asked, "Is your husband an alcoholic?"
No Kristen, but there was a huge adjustment period for us when I got sober. We had been drinking buddies for many years. He was always able to stop after a few and I never was. Since I have been sober, he rarely drinks and there is no alcohol in my house. Once in a while his buddies may stop over and they'll have a couple out in the garage and I am OK with that. Just because I am an alcoholic I cannot expect him to abstain the rest of his life, but he is very respectful of me where drinking is concerned.
Fireblossom asked, "What tickles your funny bone."
This is a little embarrassing, but anything having to do with body functions especially farting, pretty much cracks me up. I know, how immature. Sometimes I just cannot help it. My husband is the same way. When I came home from Target the other day and told him, "I am officially old, I farted out loud in front of people in the gadget isle!" He had to know all of the details. What did it sound like? Did it smell, how many people etc. Of course I acted like it was not me! But OMG! I really was mortified because it just slipped out.
The reason we were roaring on the way home from the meeting the other night had to do with an elderly gentleman trying to extract a whistling booger from his nose. He was relentless and was not about to give up! We all agreed to start carrying rubber gloves and one of those baby snot suckers around in our purses so we could rescue folks like him and then be able concentrate on the meeting! When someone said they were about to throw a crochet hook his way, well, that was when I almost had to pull over. Sorry if this is TMI.
I also love "Lucy." I love to watch those celebrity roasts they have on comedy channel once in a while, but they can get a bit raunchy. I love that new commercial for the 2010 census with the lady in the closet smoking who say's "I told 'em I could do it, but I'm gonna need my left handed scissors." I roll on the floor every time I see that!
Mary Christine asked, "What has been your most challenging course so far and why?
I was going to say the one I am taking right now, but then when I thought about it -Organic Chemistry. Why? It was winter, I was working outside about 50 hours a week. I was in counseling once a week for my sexual abuse. Many times I would leave work exhausted, go to counseling, (at that point the veils were coming off and I was constantly having to wrap my head around some heavy stuff), then show up to class and try to concentrate or take a test. I think I was taking another 3 credit class at that time too. BUT! I made it through somehow (GOD) even though I just about blew the final because I read the instructions wrong! That was my first "C" and I was so devastated and disappointed in myself. But you know what? "C" = Satisfactory! The other day I was talking to an RN and she told me that "C" also =RN. No they are not pretty or much to brag about, but I earned it and did the best I could!
Lou asks, "When and why did you decide on nursing?"
When I was a very young girl someone I looked up to as a role model became a nurse. I wanted to go into the LPN vocational program while I was in high school and got talked out of it. Later on when I was about 16 I got a job as a nurses aid in the local hospital. I worked on the Orthopedic and Med/Surg. floor and loved it! I got to see what a miracle the human body is. I got to see people that I really thought were "goners" get well and walk out of that place. I loved taking care of people. I always tried to put myself in their shoes and treat them with dignity and respect. I applied to nursing school my senior year and was accepted. I ran away from home and quit school four months before graduation. Twenty five years later, I decided to pursue the goal of nursing school again, this time clean and sober.
Enchanted Oak asked, "What's your favorite sober memory?"
Boy that is really a tough one because I have so many. My most recent sober memory was Friday afternoon. My husband and doggy and I went for a walk in the park. I did not want to go. Cold, too much snow, hard to walk, (lazy) but I went anyway.
When we arrived back home and were taking off our jackets and boots, my husband asked me, "Are you glad you went?" I said, "Yeah", he said, "I am too." He opened up his arms and gave me a big hug and said he loved me. It's gonna be hard to top that one for a while!
Mary LA asked, "What is the single most difficult thing you have had to accept in sobriety?"
Wow, Mary that is a tough one. Now don't get mad at me, but the answer is the question; Acceptance. Acceptance has been the most difficult thing for me. I grew up in world that was black and white. I had to accept that there are gray areas. Acceptance that I had a DISEASE. And acceptance that you are exactly how you are supposed to be because that is how God made you. Acceptance of myself, for who I am, and that God really loves me no matter what. It took me a long time to feel totally worthy of God's love, and to accept that love, but once I did (in very small baby steps), it opened up my heart to a whole new level of feelings of love and security that I have never felt before. Thanks Mary.
Tall Kay wanted to know how I got into construction and will I miss working outside once I am in nursing?
Well Kay, Oh, first of all, I am not a heavy equipment operator, I am a laborer. It is a common misconception. When folks hear construction they imagine any matter of things from carpentry to heavy equipment, but in most cases, it a very specialized field of work and by that I mean UNION. The operators run the machines, carpenters swing the hammers, iron workers bust the rods, and laborers do the grunt work, pipe laying, flagging, grade checking, ditch digging etc.
How did I get into it? Well, the company that I was working for, for 10 years went out of business. My husband had just gotten his business off the ground and we agreed that I would take some time off and go to college. (Ha ha) I was considering nursing at the time, but was just getting ready to go talk to advisers etc. A friend of my husband stopped over to say hello and wondered why I was off. His company needed women laborers bad! Affirmative action had just been passed, construction companies were scrambling. Long story short, I went and talked to his boss and they hired me on the spot. I worked for them for two weeks having no idea how much they were paying me or if they would keep me. When I opened my paycheck I almost fell over. I have never made that much money in my life! About a month later they put me in the union and I have been doing this work for the last 12 years. For the last four years I have been going to college. Will I miss this work when I become a nurse? HELL TO THE NO, SISTA! There is a reason you are paid so well in this line of work. IT IS HARD! It is especially hard on a woman. I will miss being outside in the spring (when it's not raining or snowing) and the fall (when it's not raining or snowing). OK, so for 10 days per year I will miss it. LOL! I will love being able to use a bathroom that is specifically for women with soap and running water. I will love not having to wear steel toe boots, a hard hat and long sleeve shirts when it is 95 degrees outside. Most of all I will love NOT having to do every low down job that no one else wants to do, like flag traffic for fourteen hours, or haul wheel barrow loads of soaking wet burlap for 12....just because I am a woman! Thanks for asking!!!!! WHEW!
Last but not least, Syd asked, "What would I say to Bill W. if I could meet him today?"
That is so easy. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
And thanks to ALL of you. This was so much fun! It really made me think too.
Mary LA at Letting Go, Your question really made me think. I would like to send you a "Little Red Book" if you do not have one. If you do not feel comfortable giving me your address, I think there is a way that I can e-mail you a Borders gift card and you can order it on-line. My e-mail is at the bottom of this post.
Thanks again everyone for your very insightful questions. This was a cool idea, Syd!
Thanks again everyone for your very insightful questions. This was a cool idea, Syd!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
A Day of Rest and Questions Anyone?
I really liked the recent posts of Syd and Lou with the question and answer session. I would love to do that. Even though I average about 3 comments per post, I am throwing out the gauntlet to anyone that would like to ask me anything! I would like to give the person with the best question a "Little Red Book," if they do not have one. If you would rather me not send you anything, that is OK too! Please do not let that deter you from playing along!
Last night was a blast. A bunch of us took a road trip to a meeting we do not usually attend and had a lot of fun. A bunch of silly girls! On the way home we were laughing so hard I almost had to pull over, tears rolling down my cheeks.
Today will be a day of staying home and taking it easy. Studying, cooking, reading, talking on the phone, letter writing. I have gone somewhere every evening since last Sunday and I am whooped! Gotta recharge the old batteries. It is such a wonderful feeling to know that I do not have to run to the store and stock up on booze and cigarettes in order to have a relaxing day at home. After all, how can one relax without an abundant stash of what we need to get through any given day? A new freedom and a new happiness for sure. I am so grateful today!
Last night was a blast. A bunch of us took a road trip to a meeting we do not usually attend and had a lot of fun. A bunch of silly girls! On the way home we were laughing so hard I almost had to pull over, tears rolling down my cheeks.
Today will be a day of staying home and taking it easy. Studying, cooking, reading, talking on the phone, letter writing. I have gone somewhere every evening since last Sunday and I am whooped! Gotta recharge the old batteries. It is such a wonderful feeling to know that I do not have to run to the store and stock up on booze and cigarettes in order to have a relaxing day at home. After all, how can one relax without an abundant stash of what we need to get through any given day? A new freedom and a new happiness for sure. I am so grateful today!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday Night/Friday Morning
I had a really great day today. This week has been more than a little bit crazy, especially where the rooms of AA are concerned. Another weird incident at a meeting tonight! God, I am so grateful for my life and my sobriety! I met a new girl yesterday and took her out for coffee and a meeting tonight. On the way home she asked me to be her sponsor. :)
I ate healthy wonderful foods all day today and drank tons of water yet I have had a splitting headache for two freakin days!!! It is wearing me out I tell ya! But even with a headache it was still a great day!
After I came home from the gym and had lunch, my sponsor stopped over and we had tea. Before school I took a long hot shower and did my hair nice. I put on makeup and a cute outfit. My socks matched my blouse. You may be saying, so what Patty? SO, what is: I never took time to do these things for myself before. Taking care of myself, caring about my appearance, even pampering myself a little, I never took the time or made the effort. Deep down inside I never felt like I was worth it, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was call any attention to myself by looking nice. Thanks to My Higher Power and the steps, I have regained my self worth, or should I say, GAINED self worth that I have never had. Today when someone tells me I look nice, I can look them in the eye and say "Thank you." Instead of, "Oh my blouse has a stain," or "I have big zit, can't you see it?" For the first time in my life my insides feel really good, thanks all of the hard work I have done, and God has done on me! They say "recovery is an inside job." Very true. It feels really good that thanks to the inside work, now my outsides can get worked on too! That reminds me, I just found out that I can get 50 minute massages at the college for 10 bucks because I am a student. Next Thursday is my first appointment. I cannot wait. I am gonna be so spoiled!
OK gonna break down and take an allergy pill for this head and off to bed for me.
Goodnight!
I ate healthy wonderful foods all day today and drank tons of water yet I have had a splitting headache for two freakin days!!! It is wearing me out I tell ya! But even with a headache it was still a great day!
After I came home from the gym and had lunch, my sponsor stopped over and we had tea. Before school I took a long hot shower and did my hair nice. I put on makeup and a cute outfit. My socks matched my blouse. You may be saying, so what Patty? SO, what is: I never took time to do these things for myself before. Taking care of myself, caring about my appearance, even pampering myself a little, I never took the time or made the effort. Deep down inside I never felt like I was worth it, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was call any attention to myself by looking nice. Thanks to My Higher Power and the steps, I have regained my self worth, or should I say, GAINED self worth that I have never had. Today when someone tells me I look nice, I can look them in the eye and say "Thank you." Instead of, "Oh my blouse has a stain," or "I have big zit, can't you see it?" For the first time in my life my insides feel really good, thanks all of the hard work I have done, and God has done on me! They say "recovery is an inside job." Very true. It feels really good that thanks to the inside work, now my outsides can get worked on too! That reminds me, I just found out that I can get 50 minute massages at the college for 10 bucks because I am a student. Next Thursday is my first appointment. I cannot wait. I am gonna be so spoiled!
OK gonna break down and take an allergy pill for this head and off to bed for me.
Goodnight!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Nine Months....
- Nine months ago yesterday, I smoked my last cigarette
- I did it one minute at a time most days, now days go by without me thinking about it! Awesome!
- I passed my first Microbiology test, not with flying colors, but I passed. I need to step up my game.
- Speaking of stepping up my game, I am still on my diet, still going to Pilates. I am not really losing any significant amounts of weight, but I can feel my body changing and I feel great! Tomorrow I am trying a new class that is called "interval blast" not much skill involved like Pilates, more of an endurance type thing, I will find out!
- So now I will have a healthy breakfast and go to my Pilates class.
- It is great to be alive, healthy, able bodied, mentally sound( for the most part) and sober!
- I am going to follow Pam's suggestion and try to find a way to shine today!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Teacher Has Arrived......
We have been getting dumped on with snow for the last 48 hours.
I have been feeling a little out of sorts the last few days. I just have not been able to put my finger on it. So I got quiet and I have been praying a lot. I have been listening to a Louise Hay CD I got out of the library. She says the number one thing you must do, is stop criticizing yourself. I love how she says it too, "Just stop it." That takes a constant conscious effort that makes me realize, I criticize myself a great deal.
So yesterday morning, in my morning prayer I asked God to show me the way out of this funk. What is wrong? What do I need to do to change it. I mean, I was really clueless. A little later in the day the slightest thought crossed my mind to NOT go home group. I do not know what is going on at that meeting, but I am not crazy about being the only woman there on any given Monday, especially after what happened a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't so much the timer thing as it was the comments about my comment afterward. They meant it all in good fun, but I felt like I was getting ganged up on. Bunch of guys, one woman it seems as if , the mob mentality had set in. Or, maybe that is just my PTSD. At any rate, I will go on the last Monday of the month because I have an obligation, but I think I will start going to a woman's meeting on Monday night. It's closer, needs support, and earlier! Having made that decision, I felt a great deal of relief.
So that's what I did Monday night even though it was snowing like hell, figure skating was on "The Olympics" and I would have been happy to stay in my nice warm home. But that soft suggestive voice told me I needed to go. That is 99% of the reason I go to meetings now, to see if I can help someone else, not because I fear picking up a drink if I stay home. Oh, sure, there are plenty of times I do NEED to go. But it is to keep my thinking problem straight, not my drinking problem.
There was actually a nice group there, considering it was snowing cats and dogs! I hate to "pigeonhole" people, but there are some folks who are definitely sicker than others, as well as "constitutionally incapable" of grasping and developing this way of life. There was a person like that at the meeting, and she was desperately trying to take it over. Constantly cross talking and butting in.
I have heard it said so many times, "everything happens for a reason." Another one of my favorites is "The teacher has arrived, is the student ready?" Ha, that second one was in one of my meditation books on Friday. Well, wouldn't ya know now that when it was my turn to comment, I was trying to explain how I was told to "shut-up" in a kind and loving way a long time ago, only I was never able to get "kind and loving way" out of my mouth before she went totally balastic and screaming at me. She thought I told her to shut-up. I would never do that. I was never given a chance to explain myself, she kept talking over the top of me, but it really did not matter. No one knew what to do. She was asked to leave by the chairwoman and refused to leave. Then she was saying "STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!" Oh dear. She finally got up and went to bathroom and sort of composed herself I guess. My heart was pounding out of my chest. This had never happened to me before, at least not in an AA meeting. I knew how to handle these "types" pre-recovery. Drag her outside by her hair and beat the shit out of her, no problem. But, I just could not get mad at her. I did not take any of it personally. The meeting went on and she came back out. I did not "look at her" even though she was staring at me.
When the weary chairwoman asked if there any more comments, I spoke up. I explained there, what I explained here. The reason why I go meetings today, and how the last thing I ever want to do is offend or hurt anyone, and if I had done that, I am sincerely sorry. I said a lot more things too, but I barely remember any of it. Maybe that is because right after she started screaming at me I started praying in my head, "Thy will be done." Over and over. After the closing prayer. I went up to her. I told her that we do not have to like each other, but I still love her. She wanted to argue, but I hugged her, said goodbye, and walked away.
The teacher had arrived and I feel as if I, the student was ready! I intuitively knew how to handle a situation that used to baffle me! I am in no way telling you all this to put this woman down. OR pump myself up. This woman is in my prayers. I could be her. Left to my OWN devices, I could be her, on any given day. I am so grateful for this program, and that meeting the other night. I am so grateful for my own recovery. It is so easy for me to take all that I have for granted! Not just the roof over my head and food in my tummy, but my mental faculties as well, to have and embrace recovery and this program, but it is so easy for me to take it all for granted. I was still on an adrenaline high when I got home! All of the the other women at the meeting came up to me and told me that they too had learned something from the entire ordeal. We did mange to have a "normal" meeting and she did "shut-up" the best that she could. She will not be getting any rides from anyone at that meeting for sure!
So say a prayer for "A" tonight. She may wind up back in the institution from whence she came, she may use, she may stay sober. Thy Will Be Done. Amen.
I have been feeling a little out of sorts the last few days. I just have not been able to put my finger on it. So I got quiet and I have been praying a lot. I have been listening to a Louise Hay CD I got out of the library. She says the number one thing you must do, is stop criticizing yourself. I love how she says it too, "Just stop it." That takes a constant conscious effort that makes me realize, I criticize myself a great deal.
So yesterday morning, in my morning prayer I asked God to show me the way out of this funk. What is wrong? What do I need to do to change it. I mean, I was really clueless. A little later in the day the slightest thought crossed my mind to NOT go home group. I do not know what is going on at that meeting, but I am not crazy about being the only woman there on any given Monday, especially after what happened a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't so much the timer thing as it was the comments about my comment afterward. They meant it all in good fun, but I felt like I was getting ganged up on. Bunch of guys, one woman it seems as if , the mob mentality had set in. Or, maybe that is just my PTSD. At any rate, I will go on the last Monday of the month because I have an obligation, but I think I will start going to a woman's meeting on Monday night. It's closer, needs support, and earlier! Having made that decision, I felt a great deal of relief.
So that's what I did Monday night even though it was snowing like hell, figure skating was on "The Olympics" and I would have been happy to stay in my nice warm home. But that soft suggestive voice told me I needed to go. That is 99% of the reason I go to meetings now, to see if I can help someone else, not because I fear picking up a drink if I stay home. Oh, sure, there are plenty of times I do NEED to go. But it is to keep my thinking problem straight, not my drinking problem.
There was actually a nice group there, considering it was snowing cats and dogs! I hate to "pigeonhole" people, but there are some folks who are definitely sicker than others, as well as "constitutionally incapable" of grasping and developing this way of life. There was a person like that at the meeting, and she was desperately trying to take it over. Constantly cross talking and butting in.
I have heard it said so many times, "everything happens for a reason." Another one of my favorites is "The teacher has arrived, is the student ready?" Ha, that second one was in one of my meditation books on Friday. Well, wouldn't ya know now that when it was my turn to comment, I was trying to explain how I was told to "shut-up" in a kind and loving way a long time ago, only I was never able to get "kind and loving way" out of my mouth before she went totally balastic and screaming at me. She thought I told her to shut-up. I would never do that. I was never given a chance to explain myself, she kept talking over the top of me, but it really did not matter. No one knew what to do. She was asked to leave by the chairwoman and refused to leave. Then she was saying "STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!" Oh dear. She finally got up and went to bathroom and sort of composed herself I guess. My heart was pounding out of my chest. This had never happened to me before, at least not in an AA meeting. I knew how to handle these "types" pre-recovery. Drag her outside by her hair and beat the shit out of her, no problem. But, I just could not get mad at her. I did not take any of it personally. The meeting went on and she came back out. I did not "look at her" even though she was staring at me.
When the weary chairwoman asked if there any more comments, I spoke up. I explained there, what I explained here. The reason why I go meetings today, and how the last thing I ever want to do is offend or hurt anyone, and if I had done that, I am sincerely sorry. I said a lot more things too, but I barely remember any of it. Maybe that is because right after she started screaming at me I started praying in my head, "Thy will be done." Over and over. After the closing prayer. I went up to her. I told her that we do not have to like each other, but I still love her. She wanted to argue, but I hugged her, said goodbye, and walked away.
The teacher had arrived and I feel as if I, the student was ready! I intuitively knew how to handle a situation that used to baffle me! I am in no way telling you all this to put this woman down. OR pump myself up. This woman is in my prayers. I could be her. Left to my OWN devices, I could be her, on any given day. I am so grateful for this program, and that meeting the other night. I am so grateful for my own recovery. It is so easy for me to take all that I have for granted! Not just the roof over my head and food in my tummy, but my mental faculties as well, to have and embrace recovery and this program, but it is so easy for me to take it all for granted. I was still on an adrenaline high when I got home! All of the the other women at the meeting came up to me and told me that they too had learned something from the entire ordeal. We did mange to have a "normal" meeting and she did "shut-up" the best that she could. She will not be getting any rides from anyone at that meeting for sure!
So say a prayer for "A" tonight. She may wind up back in the institution from whence she came, she may use, she may stay sober. Thy Will Be Done. Amen.
Labels:
meetings,
The Promises,
trusting God
Monday, February 15, 2010
Just For Today
- I will try not to have any expectations from anyone.
- I will find some quiet time for myself.
- I will do some writing.
- I will be kind, loving and honest.
- I will be grateful for all of my blessings.
- I will ask my Higher Power what it is I can pack into the stream of life today.
- I will seek my Higher Power's will, not mine.
- I will live my life sober.
Labels:
Just for today
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Just For Today
- I will make a conscious decision to work steps 1,2, & 3.
- I can't, He can, I will let Him.
- I will look and listen for that intuitive thought or action.
- I will do what is in front of me and what needs to be done. (tidy up the house, walk the dog, get groceries, etc. )
- I will seek to do something nice for someone else anonymously.
- I will do something nice for myself (get my hair done.)
- I will free myself of harsh judgment of others, as well as myself.
- I will be pleasant to all I meet today, I have no reason not to be.
- I will keep my side of the street clean today, and let you worry about yours.
- I will seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him.
- I will not look down on anyone today unless it is to give them a hand up.
Labels:
Just for today
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Under The Weather
The last couple of posts have been about the snowy weather around here. School was called off again tonight, but it does not affect me as I have class on Tuesday and Thursday, thank goodness, because I have felt like crap since last night. I have some kind of intestinal bug thingy I guess. I am blaming the big huge gyro I ate Monday night. Kind of makes me woozy just thinking about it, (yuck!) Last night and today I have not felt well at all. Tomorrow is my huge test in microbiology. I am pretty ready for it.
Last night I read "The Diary of Anne Frank" from cover to cover in a couple hours. There are really no words, are there? As always, I had a cry when I finished and said a prayer for her. Her story makes me so grateful for my life. Who am I to ever complain about anything? I dog-eared this page (prayer) that I really liked:
Last night I read "The Diary of Anne Frank" from cover to cover in a couple hours. There are really no words, are there? As always, I had a cry when I finished and said a prayer for her. Her story makes me so grateful for my life. Who am I to ever complain about anything? I dog-eared this page (prayer) that I really liked:
" I lift up mine eyes unto the mountains, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord who made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved. He that keepeth thee will not slumber. He that keepeth Israel doth neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is thy keeper. The Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord shall keep thee from all evil. He shall keep thy soul. The Lord shall guard thy going out and thy coming in, from this time forth forevermore."
Amen
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
No Class
Yahoo! No class tonight due to inclement weather. Probably another six inches tonight! Thank you God! I love it! By the way, Lou, I did check out some X-country skis on E-bay, and I have no clue what I am even looking at! Here's the rest of my day in bullets (so far):
- I woke up this morning after a very vivid dream about Anne Frank. This is not the first Anne Frank dream I have had, but one of the most vivid. I think I will sit down with her book tonight. BTW, it was not unpleasant at all but very peaceful. She was trying to tell me something and I just was not getting it. Funny, the language was so articulate, as if she was reading to me and even in the dream I was thinking, where am I getting this vocabulary from?
- Although it has been over a week since I have worked out and I have had a few relapses on my diet I went to the gym today and resumed. I am so happy to say that not only did I not gain any weight, I actually lost a half a pound. I just cannot believe it.
- These snowy days have brought my husband and I together doing fun things like walking and shoveling, hanging a new bird feeder, watching the bird feeder out the window. Shopping for the perfect snow shovel (no lie)! Don't we sound like a couple of old fogies? I don't care. This time off has brought us closer together and I am grateful for that.
- The other night I was talking to my sponsor about resuming counseling about some unresolved stuff I just can't seem to get past. Lack of insurance has been my dilemma. Yesterday I got a new insurance card in the mail. Apparently I worked enough before I got layed-off to be covered through the end of April. I made an appointment yesterday. Pretty cool.
- Lou asked her readers to post a pic that makes them happy. I have posted a few over the last few days, but the one that really makes me smile is the one of my sweet doggy. She will be 9 years old this month and she is a very much loved, spoiled, brat! Scroll down to the previous post, you can't miss her!
- Have a happy snow day everyone!
Labels:
snow days rock
Monday, February 8, 2010
Beautiful, Blessed, Day
It was so pretty this morning. The snow on the tree branches from the big storm had started to melt and the low temps over night turned all the trees into crystal figurines. The snow in the pics was up to my knees in most spots. Wish I had some cross country skis!
And then of course there is my girl. My sweet Shannon Blue. She will be 9 years old this month. She looks like she is posing, but she is watching a flock of Canadian geese about 50 yards away.
frozen lilac
mr. cardinal stopped by and whistled a song.
And then of course there is my girl. My sweet Shannon Blue. She will be 9 years old this month. She looks like she is posing, but she is watching a flock of Canadian geese about 50 yards away.
frozen lilac
mr. cardinal stopped by and whistled a song.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Sponsorship
MC over at Being Sober has inspired me this morning. She was talking about sponsorship. A subject that I am not what you would call well versed in as far as helping others, but I have a Big Book thumping hard core sponsor. It took me two years to get up the nerve to ask her to sponsor me. In between that time I had several sponsors.
The other day after witnessing a "bizarre" scenario between a friend and her sponsor, I called my sponsor and thanked her.
I thanked her NOT babying me.
For NOT changing my shitty diapers for me.
For trusting God and letting me be miserable for as long as I needed to be.
For NOT giving me all of the answers, and letting me learn things on my own, in my own time.
For all of these things and more I am eternally grateful to my sponsor because they have all helped me to grow and recover and to hopefully be a good sponsor to other women, although lately,my phone has not been ringing. I take sobriety very seriously. This is not a game to me. Here are some things you will learn about me if I am your sponsor.
I am not a taxi cab.
I am not your Mommy
I am NOT your best friend. Your best friend will tell you what you want to hear. I will tell you the truth, and sometimes that can hurt, so you will need a best friend, but that is not me.
I am not the savings and loan,
or a cigarette machine.
I am not a shrink (but I can recommend a good one)
I am not a lawyer.
I am really not interested in all of your drama either, but I will listen to a point. Don't get pissed if I suggest you make an amends to that bastard that has you whirling.
I am here to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous through the Big Book and the twelve steps, and love you unconditionally.
That's what my sponsor taught me.
The other day after witnessing a "bizarre" scenario between a friend and her sponsor, I called my sponsor and thanked her.
I thanked her NOT babying me.
For NOT changing my shitty diapers for me.
For trusting God and letting me be miserable for as long as I needed to be.
For NOT giving me all of the answers, and letting me learn things on my own, in my own time.
For all of these things and more I am eternally grateful to my sponsor because they have all helped me to grow and recover and to hopefully be a good sponsor to other women, although lately,my phone has not been ringing. I take sobriety very seriously. This is not a game to me. Here are some things you will learn about me if I am your sponsor.
I am not a taxi cab.
I am not your Mommy
I am NOT your best friend. Your best friend will tell you what you want to hear. I will tell you the truth, and sometimes that can hurt, so you will need a best friend, but that is not me.
I am not the savings and loan,
or a cigarette machine.
I am not a shrink (but I can recommend a good one)
I am not a lawyer.
I am really not interested in all of your drama either, but I will listen to a point. Don't get pissed if I suggest you make an amends to that bastard that has you whirling.
I am here to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous through the Big Book and the twelve steps, and love you unconditionally.
That's what my sponsor taught me.
Labels:
sponsors,
sponsorship,
step 12
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Doulble Dippin' Rant (?)
This morning after I posted I had a terrible sinus headache. I took some OTC sinus medicine and lay back down. I never woke up until 12:30 this afternoon! I slept right through a dentist appointment! OOPS! It's OK though, I was squeeze in for my partial repair.
I went to Intergroup to do my shift and within half an hour got "into it" with a "customer." He wanted to give away free haircuts to newcomers so they would "keep coming back." He explained that if we (AA) had something to offer them, they would want to come back again. I swear to God you guys I am not making this up! I told him (in a kind and loving way) that we have lots to offer, like life, sobriety, fellowship, if they are not ready for those gifts that is OK. If they need to go out and do some more drinking that is none of our business. This gentleman told me maybe I need to get my nose out of the Big Book for a minute and listen to what he had to say! ROFLMAO (that means, Rolling On Floor Laughing My Ass Off) I told him I would never ever get my nose out of the Big Book and then thank God, the phone rang! Wow! It was another guy who told me he needed someone to come and pick him up tomorrow around seven thirty so he could go to a meeting. LOL! Actually he is regular caller and I called one of the guys on the phone list and he knew who he was and assured me he would call him back.
What is going on? First the guy at home group calling me out on my long comment, who by the way I have no resentment towards at all. I talked to my sponsor about it and he probably was pulling my leg, and she also reminded me that maybe I make some people, even people with 28 years feel a little weird because I lay it all out there. You know, anyone can give a book report on the Big Book. I will tell you the exact nature of my wrongs and how I came to that conclusion. I have no problem telling you how I really thought I was going to be made a Saint when I picked girls up at the recovery house . I will tell you how puzzled I was that not one person kissed my ass or feet when I did not take a drink one day at a time. Yes, I will share my enormous ego with you and how it had to be smashed. How it still needs to be smashed on occasion. I will tell you who I had to make an amends to that day or week and why. I will tell about the fourth step I did with my sponsor about a problem I was having, and what I learned about myself and how freeing that was. Some people have a problem with that much openness. Maybe he is one of those people, maybe not.
So, tonight I went to woman's Big Book study (and just listened), and I still cannot figure out how a discussion of "Forward To The Third Edition" turned into a discussion about prescription medication? The subject was brought up by a person with almost 20 years. WTF? Why can't we talk about this beautiful program and how it has grown and flourished? Man, I wish I could say that I ran into every cuckoo in AA this week but I think I have barely scratched the surface. I guess I will just have to keep coming back!
Thanks for listening!
I went to Intergroup to do my shift and within half an hour got "into it" with a "customer." He wanted to give away free haircuts to newcomers so they would "keep coming back." He explained that if we (AA) had something to offer them, they would want to come back again. I swear to God you guys I am not making this up! I told him (in a kind and loving way) that we have lots to offer, like life, sobriety, fellowship, if they are not ready for those gifts that is OK. If they need to go out and do some more drinking that is none of our business. This gentleman told me maybe I need to get my nose out of the Big Book for a minute and listen to what he had to say! ROFLMAO (that means, Rolling On Floor Laughing My Ass Off) I told him I would never ever get my nose out of the Big Book and then thank God, the phone rang! Wow! It was another guy who told me he needed someone to come and pick him up tomorrow around seven thirty so he could go to a meeting. LOL! Actually he is regular caller and I called one of the guys on the phone list and he knew who he was and assured me he would call him back.
What is going on? First the guy at home group calling me out on my long comment, who by the way I have no resentment towards at all. I talked to my sponsor about it and he probably was pulling my leg, and she also reminded me that maybe I make some people, even people with 28 years feel a little weird because I lay it all out there. You know, anyone can give a book report on the Big Book. I will tell you the exact nature of my wrongs and how I came to that conclusion. I have no problem telling you how I really thought I was going to be made a Saint when I picked girls up at the recovery house . I will tell you how puzzled I was that not one person kissed my ass or feet when I did not take a drink one day at a time. Yes, I will share my enormous ego with you and how it had to be smashed. How it still needs to be smashed on occasion. I will tell you who I had to make an amends to that day or week and why. I will tell about the fourth step I did with my sponsor about a problem I was having, and what I learned about myself and how freeing that was. Some people have a problem with that much openness. Maybe he is one of those people, maybe not.
So, tonight I went to woman's Big Book study (and just listened), and I still cannot figure out how a discussion of "Forward To The Third Edition" turned into a discussion about prescription medication? The subject was brought up by a person with almost 20 years. WTF? Why can't we talk about this beautiful program and how it has grown and flourished? Man, I wish I could say that I ran into every cuckoo in AA this week but I think I have barely scratched the surface. I guess I will just have to keep coming back!
Thanks for listening!
Wednesday Morning Gratitude
Today I am so grateful:
- For this day today
- The love and guidance of a power greater than myself
- My nice warm bed
- Hot coffee
- The privilege of doing service work later today
- Time to study
- Time to rest
- Time to listen
- Being sober another day
- No hangovers
- Liking myself most days
- The people and kritters in my life that love me
- Another chance to seek and carry out the will of my Higher Power.
- Thy will be done
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A Time To Listen
Last night I got put in my place at my home group by one of the other members. I commented too long. The part that really got to me was that he told me that he timed me, and he times everyone. I was truly shocked when he told me I commented for seven minutes!?! This is a man with 28 years of sobriety that I respect. I was not taken off to the side and spoken to either, I was told in front of everyone. I was informed that anything over one minute is pure bullshit and anything over three minutes is pure ego. (definitely food for thought) After he told me that, then everyone started making fun of me and what I had said. I have been trying to wrap my head around this all morning. I have been trying to take it all in stride and humble myself and have a sense of humor and not say shit like, "OK fine, screw your meeting!" I have been asking myself why this bothers me so much? Is it because it came from a man and there was only myself and one other woman there? (18 guys 2 girls.) Is it because there are several very long winded people there that have never been approached? The fact that it pissed me off in the first place tells me that there is truth to it. (damn)
I have been able to look at this objectively and see where I do need to listen more. I will take a vow of silence this month. If your homegroup members can't tell ya where you need to improve then who the heck can. If I cannot take some constructive criticism at this point in my recovery that is sad! I have to look at it as him doing me a favor. It is so easy for us to get out of control. I do not want to be one of those people who, when it is their turn everyone says, "Oh God will she ever shut up?" Maybe I already am !?!
So I will let go and let God.
I have been able to look at this objectively and see where I do need to listen more. I will take a vow of silence this month. If your homegroup members can't tell ya where you need to improve then who the heck can. If I cannot take some constructive criticism at this point in my recovery that is sad! I have to look at it as him doing me a favor. It is so easy for us to get out of control. I do not want to be one of those people who, when it is their turn everyone says, "Oh God will she ever shut up?" Maybe I already am !?!
So I will let go and let God.
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