Sunday Night Bullets

• Been on the couch today taking it easy.
• I totally fell of the diet wagon this week, even drank some pop, I feel like crap physically but  I am not beating myself up about it.  As always, I am blaming my PMS.  It was a rough one this month. I will get back on tomorrow.
• Tomorrow I get to see my friend "H's"  new baby twins.  She is a first time Mom and good friend, I can't wait!
• Last night I went for the first time to hear a  friend with over 30 years sobriety speak. I was shocked that she spoke a lot about pot and speed. (sigh)
• I have been reading the book that I got at Al-Anon the other night. ("From survival to Recovery")  I just love it.  It is filled with stories from alcoholics as well as adult children of alcoholics.  I am going to continue to go to Al-Anon, it really helped me so much the other night.  I still have so many issues where my family is concerned.  I really enjoyed just sitting and listening.
• I invited my sponsor over today even though she told me she is doing caffeine.  I offered her tea and she kept staring at the coffee pot while we spoke.  I told her I would not give her coffee.  The difference in her demeanor is huge when she is on the caffeine!  Needless to say she did not stay long.  
• In about two months I will be going to a  women's  AA retreat in Kentucky.  I am really looking forward to it.  This will be my fourth time going.  I cannot wait!

Let's give a big shout out to  Gabriella Moonlight.  She has stayed sober for four years!WOOOOHOOOOOOO!  GO GABI!!!    cool pic courtesy of microsoft office.

Spiritually High

I just got home from an awesome meeting.  On the last Friday of the month we have a speaker at the "Girls Night Out, Little Red Book Step Study."  The speaker blew us all away with her gratitude, not to mention the miracles that have occured in the last sixteen years.

The lady that chaired the meeting this month actually fullfilled her entire commitment.  That is a first and I thanked her personally for that. After the meeting we were talking and I told her I still had "God bumps."   Not just from the speaker, but from the entire meeting.  Watching the ladies come in, many for their first time at this meeting, one lady there for her very first meeting.

The entire time "J" spoke I could just feel my heart welling up.  Some of her words cut right through me.  " I was walking in the rain, some guy picked me up."
Oh, thank you God that I breathe today.  I cannot ever forget that girl out there walking in the rain.

This is not the first time this has ever happened at this meeting.  It really felt as if God was there. I have had people come up to me on more than one occasion after a meeting and say , "Man, there is really something goin' on at this meeting Patty, the spirituality is so thick you could cut it with a knife."  Tonight was one of those nights.  I feel so blessed to be a small part of it.

The other thing that was really cool was that every single person at that meeting (all sixteen of us), hey I just realized sixteen years, sixteen attending, anyways......we all wanted to be there.  We wanted to hear a message, and we heard it and it was straight from the heart. Afterward, the fellowshipping, hugging and phone number exchanging went on for over half an hour.  So very cool.  Women supporting women.  Laughing, crying, sober!  I still feel so high.  I am so grateful to be sober today!  I am so grateful to be a part of this.  Thank you, Thank you, thank you, God!
Thy will be done!

Amazing what a little step work and a meeting will do for my attitude.  Like going to the chiropractor.  All adjusted and lined up again.  Lesson learned: Do not lend.  Just don't do it!  So funny, I no sooner hit send on the previous post and the phone rang for my husband.  Someone wanting to borrow his portable air compressor!  This guy borrows it regularly, think he would ever of think of buying one?  Then again, why should he?  LOL!  I stayed right out of it!

I did get most of my books back.  The most important were my Al-Anon books.  I have had them for a long time, but I should know better than to think that they would mean more or as much to someone else as they did to me.  The school books have been returned as well.  If my copy of "The Shack" does not make it back, I'll go buy another one.  I am OK with that, at least I know now that it is not lurking somewhere in this house!

My inventory was only partially about the whole borrowing thing.  It was about getting frustrated doing 12th step work.  I always feel like I am bugging this girl and she is drifting away.  She is the one that had my Al-Anon books.  I wanted to get them back before she fell off the radar for good.  She is a chronic "texter."  Refuses to answer the phone. I hate texting.  It is cold and impersonal.  I cannot 12th step someone through text messages.  Financially I cannot do it either.  I always end up going over my limit of 200/month.  Rediculous!  Anyway I ended up making her recovery all about ME!  SHOCK!!  I know.

Fast forward to tonight.  She dropped the books off today.  I apologized to her for some things I said, or texted rather.  Got off school early, went to Kirklands and bought a beautiful painting for ten bucks!  There is a little nick in the frame that will be covered with a sharpie marker!  I love it.  Then, I went to dicks and got a cute little pink Nike duffle bag for my workout clothes and stuff.  I topped off the evening by going to my Al-Anon homegroup that I have not been to in a few months.  What an awesome meeting!  The topic?  BOUNDARIES!  I heard many things I needed to hear and had a wonderful meeting after the meeting too.  I picked up a new book that was used during the meeting.  I loved everything that was read from it.  It is titled "From Survival To Recovery."  As soon as PR is over I am going to dive in.  I feel so light and wonderful right now.  I love you Al-Anon-ers.  You guys got me started on my journey.  I will have to write a tribute post about it.  Talk about unconditional love!  Wow.  Goodnight everybody.

When Will I Ever Learn........

To not loan things out to people.  Two great sayings, "Niether a lender nor borrower be."  And  "If you have to borrow it, you need to buy it."  I have been trying to round up some of my stuff that been loaned out and forgotten about by the lendee's.  I HATE doing this.  I will never loan to anyone ever again.  It is just like with money.  Don't loan it out unless you can afford to give it away.

Home Sweet Hump Day

Seems kind of silly writing that seeing how I am unemployed right now!  It is very, very cold and there is a dusting of snow on the ground.  The good news?  The sun is shining.

Last night  school was really fun.  I  had some real scary expectations for this class.  Everyone that I spoke to who had taken it before(even years and years before) gave a gloom and doom outlook on the whole thing.  I am so glad I went in with an open mind.  I love this class.  I love doing experiments and growing cultures and looking at them under a microscope.  I love having my own microscope in lab!  I love my laid back professor who lays it all out there for us.  The first test is in two weeks and she is giving us that long to prepare for it.  Tomorrow night we finish up the material to be tested on.  That is very, very cool.

Hubby may have to go out for a while today and I welcome the break.  I love him dearly, but I have not had one moment to myself in this house since I have been off.  I know, bitch ,bitch.   But seriously, I have to leave to have any time alone.   Alone time in my car is not the same at all as just being here without the TV blaring.  That is how he likes things.

 I am going to count my blessings today and be grateful:
 That I have a wonderful husband and a nice warm home that we share.
Lots of food in fridge and the freezer
A  wonderful life
12 steps to get me through anything I have to face today
God's unconditional love and understanding
A noon meeting to go to because I do not have to work today!

Back on the Path

It is a new day and a new week.  I spent the weekend being very restful and prayerful.  I cannot tell you how my whole attitude and outlook has changed regarding the subject of my previous post.  The hate and resentment has been replaced with peace and acceptance.  It feels like a miracle and it is! Thanks so much to those who took the time to read and comment.

I feel as if I am back "on track" again.  I am so grateful to have the tools to walk through an issue like that.  Not without a nudge from my fellows.  It is so funny, I know I have to live these steps the rest of my life if I want to be free, every now and then I get a reminder. I really do feel free today too, no secrets no resentments.   Everything is just as it is supposed to be and I feel as if once again I have moved closer to God, and I never thought that could be possible.  There is no bouindry to His love and Grace.  I feel so blessed.

Tonight is homegroup.  I am going to bring a HUGE cake as it is cake night, and I am the cake lady this year.  I am going to run off and get to Yoga EARLY today to try and avoid any conflicts!  LOL!
This morning when I woke up I got on my knees and asked God to see me through this day.  I will strive to remain"God conscious" today and follow the path He has layed out before me.  I will do it sober too. I will try to be kind and loving to ALL that I meet today.
Have a great day all.
Patty

About a Girl

When I arrived home with my new book for microbiology class, I sat down and started to leaf through it.  It all looked so interesting.  Medical case studies that describe symptoms and how the doctors arrive at the diagnosis.  The very first case study in the book that I read was of a young girl that was rushed to the hospital with severe abdominal pain.  All of the signs pointed to appendicitis.  More tests were run.  She was diagnosed with a STD.  Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID).  PID can destroy a woman's reproductive system.  worst case scenario it can be fatal.  It can go on for a long time undetected and undiagnosed.  That is exactly what happened to me.
 This case study brought it all back.  The pain, the trip to the ER (alone).  The news(once again) that I had an STD.  Back then (early 80's) the phrase STD had not even been coined.  They walked in and told you exactly how it was, "You have V.D."  I can't remember how many times I was given that news. That is how it was for me back then, for years I have been too ashamed to share any of this.


  I was in an abusive relationship with a man much older than my 18 years.  Every time he told me it would never happen again, the cheating and beating that is, I believed him.  We would break up, I would leave, he would beg me to come back.  I would go back.  Eventually things would end up the same way.  Even after a suicide attempt on my part, and a break up.  I went back to him when he broke up with the flavor of the month.  Today I can understand when a woman stays in a sick relationship.  It still does not make any more sense today than it did then, but I understand it.  The vicious cycle of abuse and self loathing.


It was not until the mid nineties right after I got married and was trying to conceive that I got the bad news.  The wreckage of my past had caught up with me.  I was devastated.   Due to severe damage to my fallopian tubes as a result of the PID and a congenital birth defect I was unable to conceive naturally.  I never told anyone how the damage occurred to my tubes.  Invitro was way out of our league fiancially.  I was too devastated to think about adoption.  I was full of hurt and disappointment.  Most of all I was full of hate.  Not only towards the man that did this to me, but God as well.  Alcohol and drugs did a fine job of masking all of this pain, hurt and hate.  For two full years I grieved and balled my head off on pretty much a daily basis.  I have written about this here before.  Those two years are a blur to me.  Somehow my husband stuck around and continued to love me through all of this while I drank snorted and popped every pill I could get my hands on.  I can remember one night in a drunken rage my husband and I wrestling over a gun.  I wanted to end it all.  It would be ten years before I found the rooms of AA.


When I got sober, I did a fourth step on the entire thing.  Of course by this time I was no longer angry at God.  I had started to gain some acceptance of my lot in life by realizing that God does have a plan, and has no desire to punish me.  But "he" was still at the top of my shit list for sure.  Fuckin' scum bag, user, liar, woman beater.  There are few days that go by that I do not think about him and  how drastically different my life might be if I had never crossed paths with him.  Of course all of these years everything has always been ALL his fault. When I opened that Microbiology book and read that case study, it hit me right between the eyes.  All the old wounds were re-opened.  Did I also mention that I have been a snarky bitch?  Carrying the old bitch torch high and mighty I have.  Especially towards my husband.  That is something that I have been feeling pretty bad about and praying about, but I just could not connect all the dots.  So I have been walking around for the last month or so, (some of it has been written about here) saying "I'm sorry."  And deep down inside shaking my head saying
"What the hell is wrong with me?"  Then, yesterday morning when I walked out of yoga class because someone pissed me off, I came home,  took a shower, and got on my knees and asked for help.  Why?  What?  Who?  Please help!


Last night at the "Little Red Book" meeting we were reading steps eight and nine. The book talked about resentments too, towards people that we were sure had totally wronged US.  Boom, right between the eyes again.  I decided immediately that I would NOT  be sharing when my turn came.  So my turn came along and I really did not want to talk, but I did anyway, and it all came out along with the tears.  That kind of sucked because it was a total floodgate.  I  told them what I just told you, then I had to pass and went into the ladies room and really let it go.  The rest of the meeting I just sat there with the tears running down my cheeks.  My sponsor took me aside after the meeting and asked me if I would like to talk.  Oh hell yeah!


  So when I got home I called her and we talked and her told her about my husband and how bad I felt about the way I have been treating him, yet I was not stopping.  That was my first order of business.  After I got off the phone I came downstairs and we talked.  I told him everything.  He sat quietly and listened.  I explained that I am not the wife that he deserves to have, but I want to be.  I am so grateful for him.  I need to grieve and heal from all of this stuff.  I never did that.  I did a fourth like I said, but I never really healed.  I stayed totally numb for years.  I am proof that it is possible to stay numb in sobriety too, at least for a certain amount of time.  That is not healing.  I have so many blessings in my life today, yet I chose to focus on some negative thing from the past that cannot be changed.  I had a really good cry after talking to my husband too.  He just sat there and held me while I cried and cried and cried.


Second order of business, and this is what I think really triggered all the tears at the meeting, and that is MY part.  I had a choice.  Maybe I really did not have much of a choice, but I did have one and there were times when I really had my shit together without him and I went back.  He was my Higher Power.  I was the victim up to a certain point.  This is just another layer of the onion that needed to get peeled back and exposed for what it really is, and it is just what it is.  It is one more chink in my armor that has made me the woman I am today. 


Third order of business.  I woke up at five AM still exhausted but unable to sleep.  I came down and got a cup of coffee and went back to my room.  I wrote myself a five page letter forgiving myself for what I did and did not do.  I apologized to God for the way I treated my body.  I acknowledged his presense throughout my life.  I really should not be sitting here writing this.  I should by all right s be dead and buried long ago.  But for some reason, no thanks to any of my actions, I am here today.  And for that I am eternally grateful.
Thank you for listening.

Friday Morning

A quick post before I go to yoga this AM.  I had a great workout yesterday.  I am beginning to see progress!  That may sound weird.  Kind of like when I first got sober sand folks told me if I followed suggestions, go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, things would get better, and they did.  Of course I really did not believe you guys any more than I believed the girls in my pilates class when they told me, "It get's better."  when I first started I was unable to do even one situp with a weight over my head, let alone without one!  Now, I can do it almost effortlessly.

Last night as I lay in bed it dawned on me.  This is the first times ever in my whole life, I have taken care of my body.  I am not talking about annual physicals.  I mean, really maintaining this awesome machine we have on loan from God.  Yesterday I felt that "high" that people talk about (I think).  I just felt wonderful all over.  It feels like things are getting "tuned up."  And the fact that my body is 47 years old has been abused and neglected for all these years and is responding in such a positive way is amazing to me! 

Just wanted to share this you all.  So, if you are new to sobriety, don't give up!  It really does get better!  Last night I went to a meeting and just listened.  it's amazing what you actually "hear" when you know you are not going to speak!  I love hearing new people share about their spitual experiences.  I got "God bumps" over and over during the meeting last night.
Thank you God!
It is a rainy blah day and I am up for it!  I got a feeling it is going to be a good one as long as I seek my Higher Power's will and stay sober.  Thy will be done, not mine!

Just For Today

• I woke up early (for me) today, feeling very grateful and prayerful.
  

 

• Today I will go to the dentist and have my teeth cleaned for the first time since I quit smoking.

• As of Monday, I have not picked up a cigarette in 8 months!
• Last Friday in lieu of my 8 month anniversary, I got my hair cut AND colored at the salon.  I made an appointment for next month too.
  
• Still on my diet, but I have lightened up a little.  Last week only lost one pound and felt a little discouraged.  I think I was stressing myself out, being a little bit too extreme.  Still exercising regularly and watching what I eat, but the measuring and weighing and writing everything down has subsided.
  
• This week I feel lighter, and went down a notch on my belt.
• I have been writing the new year as, 010.  I like it, probably because I am a symmetry freak.
  
• This morning I felt as if the "Daily Reflections" and "Twenty-four Hours a Day" book were both speaking to me. It was as if they answered my prayers for the morning.   I need to curtail my shopping, my need for material things.  I keep justifying it by saying, "Look how much I used to spend on cigarettes."  Enough is enough.
  
• Today I will seek out spiritual things.
• Thy will be done, not mine.

Today I am so grateful that I GET to:

• Go to a pilates class, swim ten laps and then soak in a whirlpool spa.
• Get my teeth cleaned at the dentist.
• Attend a microbiology class this evening
• Go to an AA meeting
• Ask for God's help doing all of it
• Be the best I can be, sober, just for today!
  

Tuesday Night

This entire weekend and week, I have not been able to stop thinking about "J", the man who took his life on Friday.  Come to find out, I did know him.  Not intimately, but we had spoken on a few occasions.  He was a really nice guy.  Always had good things to say.   His death has really made me think about what I have been doing, or not been doing.

Last night at Homegroup we read pages 83-86.  I could see right where I have been lacking.  Once again I get too busy.  How busy am I?  Why am I so busy?  I am busy because by the Grace of God I am sober!  I must never too busy to pray and thank my creator for all of my blessings.  I need to be more "vigorous."  I cannot rest on my imaginary laurels.  I am so grateful to be alive and sober and part of this wonderful fellowship.  I must never take any of it for granted.  I know what it feels like to have those dark thoughts.  I never want to go back there, and as long as I don't pick up a drink today, and keep working the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous, ask for help, help others, be vigorously honest, with others and myself, I know I have a chance.  Thank you so much for keeping the doors open for me when I got here.

My heart just aches for "J" and his wife and two children.  It did not have to be that way.

"Right Size" Me Please!

There are a million topics running around in my head this morning.  A fellow from my local area has taken his own life over the weekend.  He had not picked up a drink in over seven years.  I did not really know him, I knew who he was.  I cannot help but wonder, why?  Was he afraid to seek outside help for depression?  Did he stop praying?  Was he drinking?  Was he just showing up and faking it all these years and not working the steps?   Please do not feel sorry for any loss on my part, as like I said, I only knew him by face.  He left a family behind, three young children.  Please pray for them.


Friday night I had a new sponsee call me and tell me it just was not going to work out.  I kind of had a feeling things were going in that direction.  As it turned out I learned several life lessons from the entire experience.  She and I had a conflict over AA's  whole singleness of purpose, and the third tradition. I am grateful that despite my continuously beating a dead horse with this girl, she still speaks to me and respects me.  She also confronted me and showed up to the meeting.  She is new to me, but has been sober for two years. I tried to explain to her that it is not only for the benefit of AA, but the benefit of the drug addict as well.  I gave her the conference approved literature entitled "Problems Other Than Alcoholism," written by Bill W. which clearly states that if you have an alcohol AND a drug problem you are welcome to be a member.  So many forget that "The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking."  A drug addict who has never so much as picked up a drink of alcohol, needs to be in another fellowship. That is not really an opinion, but a tradition that seems to get thrown to the wayside a lot these days. When I asked why she insisted on taking this drug addict to AA on a continuous basis she said, "Well both of her parents are alcoholics, so she is just a drink waiting to happen.  And she likes AA better.  She needs to be in AA"  Um, I don't get that at all.  The part that really got me fired up was that this girl was taught this by people in AA.  Some that have many,many years sober.  Hey, what the hell, she is staying sober by taking addicts to AA, so it's OK, right? That's like saying I am an alcoholic, my Dad is a compulsive gambler, my mom is an over eater, therefore I should go to OA, and GA meetings right?  And hey, I love going there because all of the focus is on what I think is my parents problem, and not mine which is alcoholism.  She thought I was being "mean" and bashing addicts.  I love drug addicts.  I want for them to recover and have wonderful lives.  AA kills drug addicts.


So anyway, I had a hard time just letting this all go.  I mean, make my point an leave the rest up to God.  There is a group of people in this area that go to meetings and bash people in meetings who even mention drugs at all.  They are a very angry bunch.  I do not want to be classified as one of these people.  I need to learn to say things in a kind and loving way. And then LET IT GO!   I made an amends to her right before the meeting.  Not for what I believe, or what the traditions are, but for the way I came across explaining it.  I did sound angry.  My sponsor noticed it, and I even noticed it myself.  When I say I made and amends, I mean I made an amends, not just an apology, a real and definite change.  I regret my behavior and I will not repeat it.  I did not speak to this woman as a loving child of God. It was more like, 'You must understand and believe the same way I do, because it is right!"  Which brings me to part two of this dilemma.
When I get really busy, like I am now.  Going to school, projects around the house, going to the gym almost every day, being on a diet, on and on, you know, LIFE.  I can drift away from God really fast.  I think things are going just FINE.  Then something like this happens and I have to take a good hard look in the mirror.  Before I made the amends I spoke to my sponsor about it.  She said do what is in your heart.  It was in my heart to let this girl know that I do not condemn her.  That I was wrong in how I spoke to her.  That I commend her for reaching out and  working with others.  Most importantly that I love her unconditionally.  I told her why I acted like I did.  At first I really did not know why.  I listed all of the excuses above.  Then I said, no those are excuses, they in no way hold me accountable. It is because I have been drifting away from the sunlight of the spirit.  I have been running the show.  My huge ego will drive people away from me in a heartbeat.  If I had not heard about the fellow committing suicide, I don't know if all of this would have sunk in as quickly as it did.


A couple of weeks ago I wrote here that my theme for the year is unconditional love and understanding.  I have strayed off the path, as we lambs often do.  The great news is I know my way back to the path of love and understanding, and it is through the 12 steps.  It is waiting right there for me!  All I have to do is start walking again!  My heart is full of gratitude today for everything in my life.
Thanks for listening

Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland

        


 The sun was out today, you know what that means!  A lovely walk in the park.


 Just another day on the iceberg.

OK, I washed my face!

 Can we go now, Dad?

Goodbye!!

Hey guys, just got home a little bit ago.  I was starving when I got here.  I mean like headache hungry!  I attacked the kitchen as soon as I walked in.  I was pretty good, jut not supposed to be eatting this late.  Oh, well. 
Hey sorry about the comment moderation thingy, but  have been getting some really weird stuff in my comment section.  I think it is carrying over from my e-mail account.  Unfortunately, it seems to me  if you talk about "sox" in any way shape or form, even if it is abuse, the vultures come after you with all kinds of  weird stuff and of course the "P" word.  You know rhymes with corn?  LOL.  Anyway, I hope that helps.


My professor seems pretty laid back. She also seems as if she loves her profession.  That is always a plus. There is a lot of material and only three midterms and a final, and yes it is cumulative.......groan.  Better get my big girl pants on quick!  Tonight we were going over the parts of the microscope in lab, and afterward when I was doing the questions every time I went to write higher power, ( in reference to the microscope's power) I almost capitalized it.  I chuckled to myself a little.  I got a kick out of it, thought you might too!  Best part?  No lab partner.  I have my own microscope, desk, chair, slides everything.  AMEN!  I hate to sound anti-social, but I have had horrible luck in the lab partner department.  SO, I am very grateful to be on my own and not have to depend on someone else.  Also, if I take good care of microscope all semester, I will get ten bonus points on the lab-practical final..  I love professors that like to give out bonus points for stuff like that.  Last summer I had one that gave you 15 just for showing up every day.  Very cool.




The most wonderful part of the whole thing is................................I do not have to go to work tomorrow.  Thank you God.
And Thank you God for not having to go to class for four hours tonight after working outside in the cold for ten hours.   What a gift!
Thank you God for my nice warm house that I came home to tonight with everyone happy to see me when I walked in.
Thank you God for all my friends in cyber land and right here where I live!
Is anyone besides me having trouble with writing 2010?

That's all I got for tonight.
Good Night!

Tuesday Morning

First day back to school.  For some reason that motivates me to do a whole bunch of things that I have been putting off, like clear off the top my dresser and this desk.  I have really been letting things slide around here and there is only one explanation for it and that is sheer laziness!  My husband being home 24/7 plays into it too for some reason.  I just cannot seem to get motivated to do anything when he is around.

On the other hand, I am so envious of him in that he is one of those types that starts a project and gets complete tunnel vision on it until it comes to complete fruition.  He spent three weeks designing, building, finishing and installing the last of our kitchen cabinets, an additional pantry space that has been referred to as "the shit hole, " for quite some time now.  It is absolutely beautiful.  I also get a little jealous that he is able to do that because he does not have to do anything else like shopping or cooking.  He does have to plow snow and will throw in the occasional load of laundry.   Me?  I have been working out, on a diet, and hitting meetings.  I have been doing an unusual amount of service work lately, but that has had to be pared down due to my resuming classes.  I have not sewn a stitch or strummed one chord on my guitar since I have been off.  But I guess I have been doing exactly what I want too.   BUt for some reason I have messes in every room that I occupy.  Junk that needs to be sorted through.  Books and notebooks from last semester.  Now with the new year here, I should have my files swapped over, um no, not even close. This diet has been taking up a fair amount of my time just in the meal preparation alone.  Weighing, measuring, calorie counting, writing everything down, new recipes.  But that time frame is getting smaller as I get used to it.

I have heard people say that it costs more money to eat healthy.  I beg to differ, especially if you are watching your portions and weighing everything out.  I am one of those people that always had eyes bigger than my stomach.  Now that I weigh and measure everything, there has not been any food waste, much to my doggy's dismay!  Last night I though for sure that my chicken breast was on portion until I weighed and and lo and behold, it weighed over 8 ounces.  A portion of meat is anywhere from 3 to 4 ounces.  It does not look like much on the plate, but if you eat a big salad first you would be surprised how full you can get.  Well, I sure was surprised!  Anyway, I do not want this to become a diet blog, but changing my diet and starting to exercise has made me feel great.  Especially giving up Pepsi and all other soda. (I do drink Peligrino water) The other day when I had that skinny mocha grande as Starbuck's, I felt bogged down.  Too much sugar and caffeine.  That is unbelievable for me!  So here is the rub........

Don't drink.........
Don't smoke............
Don't do sugar and caffeine like I used to......
What do you do?
I do need to get a shopping fix every now and then!
I still cannot believe that I am a non-smoker.  That was my biggest accomplishment in 2009.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not thank God for that miracle.

OK, hubby is out plowing and I have the whole house to myself.  Time to get motivated!  Let's see what I can accomplish while he is gone!
Have a great sober day everyone!

My 300th Post........

Just a short post to say hello everyone.  Actually I have deleted two very long posts.  One was about singleness of purpose, but I still need more practice being kind and loving on that topic!  The other one was about going to a different meeting on HG night.  Heck if that's all I have to worry about, then I am doing great!  I am not much for ranting tonight, and that is always a good thing!

Tomorrow night is my first night back to school.  I was able to download the notes for this weeks lectures and there are about a hundred pages.  YIPPEE!!

I am very, very grateful that I do not have to work in the freezing cold all day tomorrow and go to class.

I am very grateful for unemployment insurance.

I cannot believe that I only ate 1200 calories today and worked out!  I better go have some popcorn!

GOODNIGHT!!!

Saturday Night Post #299

I hope everyone is as warm and cozy as i am tonight.  It is clear as a bell outside and ten degrees as I write.


After much prayer, reading and being quiet, I came to terms with my intolerance for my sponsor and I woke up Thursday morning wondering what the hell  was I making such a big deal out of?   I just deleted two entire paragraphs about it, really boring at this point, so I will spare you.


Friday night she picked me up and took me to the "Little Red Book" meeting.  Boy, that was nice!  It was a really snowy night and there were five of us.  We finished up steps six and seven in "The Little Red Book."  How fitting!!!  I love the part where they talk about spiritual surgery, and over and over again they mention "contented sobriety."  You know I can have contented sobriety today and that is pretty nice.  Most of the time I have way more than that!  I can have discontented sobriety today too, but you know what?  It is just that, until I take action to change it.  I can be discontent sometimes, But that does not mean I have to drink over it.  Just a little ah, hah moment I had last night.  I feel like I have really come a long way on steps 6 & 7 this past year.  I know for a fact, that starting that AA meeting has been key in that area.  I have allowed God to surgically remove many of my shortcomings as he has seen fit, but if He took them all at once, like I thought he was going to, I would not have learned anything.  And, I feel as if I have learned much.  I am no longer judgmental and cynical towards some people that I was feeling that way about(big time).  I really feel like my goal this year is unconditional love and understanding.  Understanding, rather than to be understood. Listening more.  I can still love people and understand them without risking my boundaries.  Even if I do not understand them, I can still love them, just as God loves me, warts and all!  I am just scratching the surface on this of course.  I never ever gave a thought to any such thing before!  I am learning how to be human.  How to fit in my own skin and love you as I would like to be loved.  It is all very cool.


Now it is time for bed!  A hot cup of tea on the nightstand and a really good book.  Hubby is in the recliner watching the wildcard playoff.  Cinncinati lost :(, so I am out. The kritters are fed, have been out, and are both tucked in their beds.  I hope you all are too!  Good Night!


PS
I have been working out diligently and sticking to my diet.  I lost six pounds and feel great.  I love yoga and swimming.  Thursday in pilates I finally did a sit up pilate style, bent knees, five pound weight over my head.  Amazing!  I never thought I would do it!  WOOHOO!  Today was yoga and cardio, I am whooped, goodnight!

Calm Acceptance Turns Two

Good morning everyone! Hey guess what?  Two years and one day ago I started blogging!  I quit for a short time once, but for the most part I stuck with it.  That is so unlike the "old" me. I actually start things today and follow all the way through with them, a whole new experience for this alcoholic.  Pretty cool!

 I am feeling very grateful and close to God this AM.  You guys out there in blog land have a lot to do with that.  Sometimes I read your words and it makes think of things that my sick mind sometimes chooses to forget, even if temporarily.  Usually it is positive things.

Today I am grateful:

For God in my life, always guiding me, if I let him.

Moments like yesterday when my husband put his arms around me and asked me if I would marry him all over again.  (I said yes)

The fellowship

Blogging.  It has helped me so much in learning about myself.  Your comments, or sometimes lack thereof always help me.

That I started to take care of myself this year.  I love going to yoga, pilattes and swimming!

Bloggers-you guys rock!

Calm Acceptance

Tuesday Night

I just got home from a meeting and I am feeling so much better.  I  chatted and exchanged phone numbers with the lady who spoke and I made a new friend tonight.   I had a talk with God on the way home, too. I am going to be quiet, pray, and quit asking everybody what to do.  I almost deleted that entire post like I did the other day.  Maybe I will tomorrow.  I feel really bad about it, talk about taking someone else's inventory.

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturb us, they, like ourselves, were sick too.  We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.  When a person offended we said to ourselves,  "This is a sick man.  How can I be helpful to him?  God, save me from being angry.  Thy will be done."
Alcoholics Anonymous p. 67 (4th step prayer)

Need Some Feedback

Nothing major to report here.  Still feeling a little ouchy.  Nothing a little pamprin, couch and new 'Oprah" magazine cannot cure.

 Last night I spent some time with my sponsor and it was really weird.  I feel like I need to teach her some manners because she is SO rude!  To me!   I never told her I was going to give her a ride home last night.  Most times she rides in with her husband and then home with me.  I was not even going to go, but decided at the last minute that I needed to be at my home group.  The roads were really slippery and I was a minute late.  Anyway, hey guess what?  I just sat and listened!  I think I am going to listen for this entire month.  I did that before and it really helped me.  Heard some great comments on steps eight and nine,( read pages 76-80 in BB) So after the meeting I was chatting with some friends and she comes up and is standing there sighing and tapping her foot.  I ignored it.  Then I went to the kitchen to talk to another friend and she just came right out with, "Come on!  Let's Go, Patty!"   I said, "OH, did you want a ride home with me."  She looked at me like, yeah, duh.  For now I am going to keep my distance and keep praying.  I think that much of her behavior as of late has to do with caffeine and sugar withdrawal.  I have to remember that she is not perfect.  But her acting like a six year old kid is getting real old.  That's basically what happened at her house on New Years Eve.   A couple of weeks ago when we were out shopping she really pissed me off by saying something to me in the hardware store that was straight out of my fifth step.  She said , "Oh, Patty you just feel that way because of your abuse." I could have floored her.  I don't need my inventory taken by her every time I turn around.  We have parted ways before when this has happened, and I was direct about it.  I finally realized that she was using me whenever she would relapse(her words) on caffeine and sugar.  It was like being around a selfish drunk.  She has absolutely no regard for anyone else.  It is not pretty.  A few days later she called me and asked if we could hang out that she was clean ( from sugar and caffiene) five days now.  I really think I am her only friend.  There's a whole bunch of other really weird stuff that I am not going to get into here, but you get the idea.  So all I can do for right now is try to love her through it and keep praying, but maybe I need to think about getting another sponsor.  Am I sponsoring my sponsor?   Am I being way too judgmental?  I would appreciate any feedback on this from you guys out there.  Should I confront her and tell her she pissed me off, or just let it go?  I am afraid to come right out and ask her if she has been going to OA meetings and talking to her sponsor.  Is it any of my business in the first place?  I think I should let it go and wait and see if she can stay "clean" this time.  I am going to go and visit my Al-Anon homegroup on Thursday too.  That always gets me centered.

Last night I was looking at the lead sheet. Around here we call speaker meetings "Leads."  And yes, Mary,  unless it is an anniversary, the chairperson always opens the floor for comments afterward, (sigh).  There were many women listed on that sheet that I have never heard.  I read something somewhere yesterday about how we need to keep expanding our circle of friends etc.  Because if I don't, then my circle will keep getting smaller and smaller and then it will be just me, alone and drunk.  So tonight I am going to a new meeting that I have never gone to,(because I always have class on Tuesdays) and I am going to hear a woman speak that I have never heard of.  I am going to get some phone numbers.  I am going to expand my circle. I think I have become way to dependent on my sponsor.  There are not any in our circle, it is her and I.  All of her sponsees and drifted away. She says the reason they are not around anymore is because she is too honest with them and has too much recovery.  I wonder sometimes.
No walk yesterday, too yucky.  Will try today.  Bye for now and thanks for listening.

Monday, Monday

I am so grateful  I am off work today!  It is in the teens and snowing like crazy today.  Thank You God!  Feeling a little under the weather today which is a bummer because I was supposed to go to my first yoga class.  My better judgment (that soft voice in the back of my mind) is telling me to stay home and keep hunkered down today. 

I had horrible nightmares last night.  Just horrible.  Sometimes I wish I still had dreamless sleep.  What I was being shown in that dream did take away some of the guilty feelings that have been creeping up on me concerning my Mom.  Sometimes I still doubt the truth as I know it and think I need to go back to pretending that everything is OK for everyone else.  Last night that dream told me the truth.  As it is.  Again.  I guess I needed to be reminded or I would not have had it, and remembered it so vividly.  Everyone is OK without me pretending, or without me period.

Last night I went to a meeting that I never go to unless a friend is speaking.  She did a great job despite all the chatter and people walking in late throughout the meeting.  Then, the comments took almost twenty minutes.  Lord help me, if I ever start a speaker meeting, no comments will be allowed.  It is an opportunity for some of the sickest people in the room to stand up and hold everyone captive while they say "I" and  "Me", over and over.  This is where chairmanship comes in too.  Someone chairing a meeting with 60 days sober is not going to say to someone with 12 years (who informs everyone over and over in his comment of those 12 years) who has been commenting for over five minutes, "Thanks for your comment Fred, time to move along!"  There is a silver lining to this dark cloud of a rant, that shows how much I don't know in the big scheme of things, and everyone benefited from it.  A girl at her very first AA meeting stood up with tears in her eyes, to thank the speaker and told her she could relate to all of her story.  That young lady heard a message of hope last night and had enough guts to stand up and thank the speaker.  So, maybe if no one else commented, or if they were over with withing five minutes, maybe she would  not have had the courage to stand up(despite my fidgeting and eye rolling during the comments) and say what she wanted to say, touching all of our hearts the way she did.  I don't know shit, but I sure did think I did last night. Sigh.

Meanwhile, I wish I could just keep my mouth shut and vibrate through these  hormonal surges.  First thing this morning a sponsee called and asked me if I was mad at her.  I apologized for being snippy to her last night. Patience and tolerance.  I had not one iota of it last night, and probably should have just stayed home and avoided people and situations.  But how can I learn if I do that?  I have beaten myself up for it enough for today, I need to move on and try to be better and really listen to that voice and just be quiet!  Tonight is Big Book homegroup and I have to bring a cake.  I will buy one and not bake one.  I cannot believe that I started my diet in the middle of PMS and no one was hurt or killed.  That is a miracle.  This week should be a little easier.  A half cup of light chocolate soy milk really soothes a chocolate craving for me and is only 45 calories.  If I am really good and work out I can have a skinny cow fudge bar, 100 calories!  I cannot weigh myself until this Thursday, and yes I am going to include that extra five pounds of PMS weight gain!  It seems as if those extra five have been sticking around anyway!  LOL!

No yoga today, but I will take doggy for a walk in the snow, she loves it!  I will take some pics, now I know you cannot wait!  I am going to sew today!  Gosh darn it, one more week off before school starts and I have not even stepped into my sewing room!  Hopefully I will have some picks of something really cute to show you.

A shout out to Galen, (G-man) he is having surgery tomorrow.  Please keep him in your prayers.
Bye for now, thanks for listening!

2010

I have been so crazy busy the last couple of days.  To top things off, since I started this diet my ADD seems to have kicked in to overdrive.  I cannot hold a thought or accomplish anything.  That tells me that cute lady will be stopping by with a little red box for me soon!  LOL!  I will throw a handful of tampax at her and tell her to go away.  But I am on the second day of my diet and for the first time probably since I was a wee little baby, and that is no joke, I have not had any pop.  No diet  pop either (yuck).  I had to give up six foods on this diet , and that was number one.  Chips and (gasp) sour cream, were two and three.  candy, cookies, and cake.  I did not give up my sugar free Hall's honey lemon cough drops.(yet)  And I can relate to what Pam told me about being shocked that I have not lost five pounds yet, because I know I have gained that much in one day by just looking at food!  I am making the 1600 calories work for me, but I felt a little bad tonight when I screamed at my husband as he nonchalantly grabbed a handful of popcorn from the bowl on the counter as I was measuring my quarter cup of fresh squeezed orange juice to mix with my seltzer water.  These were my last 123 calories I was allowed and I had been saving them like a miser all day. "That's my popcorn!!!!  That is all can have!!!!  Put the popcorn down!!!!!"   Of course I felt like crap immediately after, (he put my popcorn down).    I apologized and  insisted that I would share it with him.  He said "No that's OK.  Good night." Poor guy.  First she quits drinking, then smoking, now this.  He really has been taking it all in stride and is very supportive.  I wonder sometimes if he tells people he lives with a crazy lady?

We had an awesome meeting last night at Little Red Book.  Started the chapter on steps 6 & 7.  Nine of us were there.  That seems to be the average number these days and it is just right!   All of us were so grateful to be sober and feeling good on New Years day (night).  No hang overs, no regrets.  I am so grateful for this meeting!  Some have come and gone, and the weird thing is that there is always me, and maybe one or two regulars who I can count on to be there, and then the not so regulars and always someone new.  So very cool.  I feel so blessed to be a small part of all this.  Great sharing last night too.  What a wonderful group of women!

We went to my sponsors house on New Years Eve.  It was kind of weird and I wrote a big long blog about it yesterday morning.  I just did not feel comfortable publishing it.  I have been praying about it all and it is just one more way God is teaching me unconditional love.  I hope I do not have to change things, but for now, I do not know what to do, so I will do nothing.  Sorry so vague.  I did talk it out with a friend that I can trust, and it really made me feel much better.

So starts a new year, a new beginning!  Tomorrow I will continue on my new routine.  I will have breakfast when I get up, and then I will go to the gym.  I have not been there since Thursday and it already feels weird, like I really need to go!  I will swim laps, then soak in the whirlpool.  I will feel like I am doing something good for myself.  I will do it sober too!  I hope you do something good for yourself too!
Good night!