By The Grace of God

I think I change my blog template more than I actually blog lately.  But the green grass and butterflies are definitely things of the past now.  Fall has officially arrived here bringing cold air that requires hats.  We built our first fire tonight to rid the house of a damp chill that crept in today during the damp, dreary, drizzle. 
I finished a large school project late this afternoon and took my doggy for a walk.  Dogs don't care if the sun is out, or if it is not.  They don't care if it is a little drizzly and misty rainy.  They are still very happy to have your company at the end of the leash  for a brisk walk to the park.


Friday night, we finished step two in the little red book.  It talked about how it is our privilege to seek the help of a Higher Power.  Yes indeed.  I feel so privileged today to have sought and found that power that has restored me to sanity, one day at a time.  It also reminded us about the mental binges that lead to physical drunkenness and then to spiritual blackouts.  I have been on mental binges and spiritual blackouts in sobriety.  They are not pretty. Thank God none of them lead to physical drunkenness. Today I can read those words and honestly see myself in them and be so grateful for God's Grace on me.  I needed God's Grace to get through that time and it was there.  I was on a mental binge for the entire time I was sober.  I did not know that I was, but now I can clearly see that I was.  And, it is only by the Grace of God, and the people he put in my path, and the little miracles here and there, that I had the courage to do the footwork, and the stepwork and the counseling, to rid myself of my justified resentments, hate, fear, disgust and loathing and so much shame.  All justified.  But who was I hurting?  Why couldn't I let it all go?  I could not let it go until I 100% trusted God to take care of me, and them.  By them, I mean the ones who had harmed me.  The ones who raped, the ones who were the sickest of the sick.  The evil ones. In a nutshell, I had to quit playing God.  I had to leave the justice up to Him. It was hard!  Because I was not aware that I was playing God!  Imagine that!  An alcoholic in denial about something so freaking obvious!  When I was finally able to release all of those emotions,  and it took some time, because I would release and then a whole new batch would come up, and I would have to deal with those and so on.  Eventually though, I felt a new freedom and a new happiness the likes of which I have never felt in my entire life.  And that came when I was finally ready to do the big F word........Forgive.  Our Big Book tells us..."More will be revealed."  What a loaded statement that is!  I remember people telling me, "Don't leave until the miracle happens."  I am so grateful that today I can say, "Which one?"  There have been so many, and sometimes they may seem like really small insignificant things right at the moment, but they all add up to be my truly blessed life.  Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, and the 12 steps of recovery.