First Saturday of Autumn

My posts have become few and far between, only because I spend the majority of my time studying.  The good news is that it is really paying off in very, very good grades. 
I cannot express how much I love nursing school.  It is what I have been working towards for the last four years and now I just love it!

I feel closer to God than ever before. Forgiveness  has been such a huge revelation in my life.  My mom and I are writing back and forth to each other weekly.  I look forward to her letters and she to mine.  Last week she spoke of my stepfather and it did not bother me at all.  I have been able to move past the anger and hate and allow God to make the judgements.  It is all up to God and what a great relief that is!  This whole experience has made my life so much more serene and "uncluttered"  I had no idea how much all of this anger and hate was occupying my thoughts until I released it.  Wow, there is a virtual gymnasium  up there ready to be filled with nursing knowledge!

Last Saturday my kitty of 16 1/2  years passed away.  He had a brain tumor and we knew it just a matter of time.  He went fairly quickly, but it was not pleasant.  Poor little guy.  I kept telling him to go home and he finally did.  Last night when I got home from meeting and pulled into the garage I looked for him to run in front of me and wait for me on the back porch.  A Friday night ritual.  Then it hit me and I remembered he was gone.  There is a big empty space around here that he used to fill.  Spooky was a very verbal kitty.  He like to remind us that he needed treats and he needed them NOW.  He would sit next to the pantry cupboard where the treats were kept and wait and wait.  If eye contact was made you were screwed.  Now he was going to follow you around meowing.  I would tell him he was my handsome little man and he would throw himself down on the floor belly up.  Spook was a good hunter in his day, but lately he would just meow at the backdoor with his "game" until he was acknowledged, and then release it.  He would lay on the deck and watch the birds at the bird feeder all day and maybe every once in a while run them off, but mostly he was a retired kitty who  liked to eat, pick on the dog, and lay on soft blankies.  I miss him more than I ever thought I would.

I don't talk about it much here, but I am coming up on a very significant anniversary.  A big milestone in my recovery.  Aren't they all though?  I am filled with so  much gratitude right now.  I feel like I have been on a pink cloud for the last few months!  It is amazing.  I have been enjoying moment of it too!  I have not been waiting for the other shoe to drop like I used to before.  I am happy and I feel that I deserve to be happy.  God wants me to be happy, joyous and free.  And that is exactly how I feel,despite Spooks death, yes that is sad, but that is living life on life's terms.  It is what is.  I do not have to wallow in sadness.  I am still grieving.  I will always miss him just like I miss all my kitties that have passed before him.  The thought f picking up a drink over it never even occurred to me. I love my sober life.

Now, I must go and get some studying done because I am going to totally goof off tonight!  I am going to a girlie facial party and then we are going to  have an A.A. meeting around the bonfire.  I am told there will be allot of really good food too.  I will take a cake for my girlfriends eight year sober anniversary.