Came to Believe

The retreat this weekend was absolutely wonderful.  I renewed my relationship with my Higher Power.  I left some nasty horrible stuff down there for God to deal with, it has just been too much for me, and I finally let it all go.

If you read my blog, or have been reading for a while, you may know that I have some family issues going on. The crux of it is that my step-father molested me, I told my Mom when I was 16, they said I was wrong and not to tell anyone.  Almost three years ago when I told my Mom that I was not wrong, it happened, and told her some other stuff that happened, nothing changed.  There was bewilderment over why I would not coming home for Christmas etc.  I truly believe that I have been grieving for the last few months.  Grieving the loss of my parents.  I am 48 years old and I feel like I am 12 sometimes.  As I got up this morning and started my day in a new way with  new prayers, it felt really good, really comfortable.  It dawned on me.  I had not only a spiritual awakening this weekend, I worked and practiced step two.  I really as if I have been restored to sanity by a power greater than myself.

Friday night a couple of my friends arrived at the retreat late.  I was really excited for them, it was their first time there.  I went to show my friend "P" around the place.  Now, here's the cool part, what she said and what I heard are two different things.  I heard her say that she walked around the back of the building and there she was, "Mother God."  What "P" later told me was that she said, "The Goddess", which actually is characteristic of how she speaks,  but that is NOT what I heard.  On the back side of the chapel is a huge concrete statue of The Virgin Mary.(pictured)  On the inside wall  of the building directly behind her is  the alter and Jesus on the cross.  "P", who has never in her life been to this place told me she was lead to the back of the building in the dark, and there she was.

I really did not give it much thought and went to bed shortly after.  (By the way I was sick as a dog all weekend and I still am, but that's OK.)  I slept pretty soundly but started waking up every fifteen minutes starting at 4:30 AM.  I would drift back to sleep and it felt as if I had slept for hours, but it would have been fifteen minutes.  Every time I would wake up, my friends words would be resonating in my head, "Mother God."  "Mother God."  At 5:30 I got up, got a cup of coffee and walked outside in the cold and pitch black in my pajamas.  I got on my knees on the cold concrete and prayed.  I asked "Mother God" to be my mother.  I sat there quietly for awhile and then I went into the chapel and knelt at the alter.  I looked up at Jesus on the cross and I asked him to be my Father.  I knelt there quietly for a while, and went back to the kitchen.  When I came the first time there was only one other person up besides me, I knew her from last year, said good morning and was on my way, she was reading and I did not want to disturb her.  I went into the kitchen to get some more coffee, and there was a lady there getting some too.  We chatted.  It was her first time at the retreat.  I said, my name is Patty, What is your name?  She said my name is Mary.  I hesitated for a moment and then in my head said, naw, coincidence. I went back to my room and lit a candle and started praying.  Suddenly it hit me, I need to go talk to that lady.  I returned to the living room and there she was.  I told her, I think I am  supposed to talk to you.  She said OK.  I told her, I am not very quick on the uptake sometimes.  She said me too, I have no idea what I am doing up at this hour.  I kept waking up, so I just got up.  I said me too.  I told her my story about "P" and the Virgin Mary and she told me that her mother named her after the Virgin Mary.  And agreed, we were supposed be talking to each other.  Come to find out, we grew up three hours away from each other in NY.  We both had abusive step fathers, we both had mother's who did not protect us.  She told how praying the Rosary and the Hail Mary got her through one of the most difficult times in her life. We must have talked for over an hour because the next thing I knew the sun was up and everyone was else was getting up and it was almost breakfast.

On Saturday night we have an AA meeting at the retreat with a speaker.  Guess who the speaker was this year?  That's right, Mary.  I got to hear her entire story.  That night we stayed up past midnight talking and talking.  Talking about all of the horrible, horrible stuff that had  happened to both of us growing up.  When I went to bed, I lay my head down and fell to sleep instantly.  The next morning I talked to Mary about it and said, you know what we sure did talk about some horrible, nasty, painful stuff last night, but today I feel like, I do not need to talk about it anymore, like I got it all out, gave it to God-finally.  She agreed and told me that told me stuff that she had ever told anyone and some stuff that she had not thought about or talked about in years.  But we both agreed that we felt better for it.  Like we had been purged.  We both could relate to each others feelings on every level. Once again, that validation.  I truly feel as if God worked through both of us FOR each other to help the other heal.  I feel healed inside.  My heart feels happy, joyous and free.

Before Mary and I talked I spoke to Sister Kathy, our Retreat Master.  She was horrified at the things I told her.  That made me realize just how horrible it all was, and how as victims of abuse we minimalize and become in a way jaded by what has happened to us. She then explained to me that I did not have a nervous breakdown, I had a nervous break through.  WOW!  She is soooo right!  I feel like I left all of the hate and anger down in Kentucky this weekend.  I realized that by forgiving, I am not letting anyone off the hook for what they did to me.  It does not make any of it any less horrific.  But it gives me peace.  And I am not saying that I feel forgiveness in my heart........yet.  But I am willing to let My Higher Power take care of me in ways I was never able to do before.

 I am so grateful for all of the Grace I have been granted.  To have walked through all of this sober.  By the Grace of God, I did not have to drink.  A sweet lady in the room next to me gave me a coin that said, "Expect Miracles."  I think I need to pass that on.  I KNOW I am a miracle.  I am so grateful that I stayed sober long enough to experience the miracle that occurred in me this weekend.  Just when I think I could not possibly any feel any more love from my Higher Power I am proved wrong.That is OK with me!