I'm sick of school.
I'm sick of working so hard.
Why can't I remember anything?
Why am I so freaking' stupid?
Who am I trying to kid anyway?
If I'm lucky I'll get my measly two year degree when I am 50.
50!!!!
Why couldn't I have just done what I was supposed to do when I was younger and not screwed up so much?
I wasted so much of my life.
Why bother?
Oh crap I can't stop crying.
I think I 'll call my sponsor.
She talked me down off the "ledge."
She reminded me of a few things I take for granted:
I could be drunk somewhere talking about going to school, but instead I am doing it. I could be dead too, but God wants me to live my life as it is today.
C=RN (where did she hear that?)
If I want straight A's I can have them, but I have lots going on my life right now.
Maybe I need to take care of myself a little more than I have been....BINGO.
Right now I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and comparing myself to other people
BIG SIGH.........
Last night before I lay down, I go over my tenth step. I tell my husband I am sorry for being such a Grouchy Gus. I tell him I love him. I tell Patty I am sorry for beating her up too. I pick up "Each Day A New Beginning" by Karen Casey And read this:
I want to dance always, to be good and not evil, and when it is over not to have the feeling that I may have done better.
-Ruth St. Denis
Our wants in life may be simple, or they may be complex. The may be confused in our minds, but this clarity will come if we are patient. God has a way of giving us an "inner tug" when a certain direction beckons. Our responsibility is to follow that tug and trust it, fully. Too often we look back on our lives with regret. What is done, is done. We learned lessons from these mistakes. Every day is a new beginning. And we can close every day with no regrets when we have followed our consciences, that "inner tug" that beckons.
The opportunities will come today. Opportunities to be good or evil. Opportunities for making choices over which we will feel good or full of regret at the day's close. Many of our choices will bring us closer to the satisfaction, the contentment with life, that we all search for as women, as human beings. We need not fear coming to life's close, wishing we had done more or better. Living each day in good conscience, waiting for the tug and following it will ensure a life well lived.
My ego can block out the tug, if I let it. Or I can trust.
From "Each Day A New Beginning", February 23. Karen Casey
Today I will study.
I will take care of myself.
I will eat good food.
Drink lots of water.
I will smile at all I meet, it may be the only smile they see all day.
I will go to a meeting.
I will give it all to God.
6 comments:
Oh Patty, I can relate and I am so glad you wrote this today and I found it.
this is a beautiful post, thank you!
I have moments when I look backward also, but I try to keep them short. It is not helpful at all. Scott W has a great quote today from Language of Letting Go. We can't be "on" all the time, sometimes just allowing the sadness some space helps us get over it.
School is hard. It's not just you!
Best to try and stay in the present, not look back with regrets. You are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment. Any mistakes or regrets you may have about the past got you to this point. Glad you reached out and worked through it, what a great example of growth! Keep up the great work:)
Yes! School was very hard on me, too. In the thick of it, it was gruelling and ENDLESS. Now it's done though, it seems like a snap of the fingers. It sounds like you have some great coping strategies for hanging in there on the tough days. This too will pass... (())
Great post. But it is never too late to keep going and to have those dreams. Don't give up. It will be worth it in the end. The past doesn't have to dictate the present unless we let it.
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