Taking a Day Off!

So to speak!  It seems as if every day I have had so many errands to run.  There are two days left in this year and I have a couple of things left that I would like to accomplish!

• Clean my entire house, dust vacuum & mop.
• Get my sewing room in order and do some sewing!

I intend on doing these  two things today.  Oh, and make a big pot of bean soup and corn bread.  I just told my husband I have no where to go today and he laughed!

  Yesterday, after I went and bought my books for next semester (groan), I went to the gym and attended a pilates class.  It was a little on the brutal side!  She tells you what you are going to do and you think, "Oh, that will be easy."  Yeah, right!  I have much progress to make.  Afterward I  took a swim, and then sat in a hot whirlpool, that was really nice!  I am going to go back tomorrow and attend.  Surprisingly, I am not sore, just a little in my neck, and I think that is because I was not keeping my shoulders down.  Funny, since she suggested that we keep our shoulders down to prevent tension, I noticed I have my shoulders up most of the time.  I just made a conscious effort to lower them and wow what a difference.  There were many moves that I was totally unable to do, but I am not discouraged.  This is were my recovery experience is helping me so much!  I am able to be patient with myself, and not feel as if I should be an expert the first time.  Nor did I lose fifty pounds after one workout either!  So I will keep coming back! Also, I should tell you, I tried to talk myself out of going several times.  That old alcoholic thinking crept back in.  It reminded me of a post that Tall Kay wrote recently about going into Starbucks for the first time in early sobriety.  I felt that same apprehension yesterday.  I had to keep telling myself that I was worthy enough to be there.  Also, I was not so damn important that everyone was going to be focused on me anyway! After all I walked into an AA meeting alone and announced to a group of strangers that I am alcoholic, this should be a piece of cake for me!  Right?  It was.  I still have to pump myself up in situations like this sometimes, but that's OK.  We never walk anywhere alone.  Just like going to school, or doing anything new for the first time.  I arrived early and introduced myself to another woman about my age waiting for the class in session to finish up so we could go into the gym.  Ha, that class looked like boot camp!  No thanks!  Anyway, she was really nice and when we went in she announced loudly to the instructor and everyone that I was a virgin!  I had never done pilates before.  That really broke the ice and I got a lot of support from the other women.  I am excited about next week, they will be starting an early morning yoga class.  At this point, that is probably more my speed!

The "former" sponsee I spoke about called me the other night and we had a heart to heart. Last night she was supposed to meet me at a meeting so she could pick up a 24 hour chip.  She did not show.  I  remember when I was in  very early sobriety that all I  wanted to focus on was all the "drama" in my life instead of my recovery from alcoholism.  And damn near anything could be made into a drama (distraction).  LOL.  I used to try and convince these girls that they need to stop focusing on the negative things, and focus on recovery and working the steps.  And then I remember how I was.  Everyone let me whirl.   The people I was hanging out with, had enough faith in a power greater than themselves to just let me whirl and know that God would take care of me, and I would either come around or I would not.  It was my journey, it was about me, not them.  Having said that......  Thank God I came around!  I really did want to stay sober, and when my back was against the wall, I was willing to go to any lengths to stay sober, but it was my choice.  No one coerced me into wanting to recover.  I had sobriety.  I had not taken a drink.  But this alcoholic had to start working the steps  in order to recover from a hopeless state of mind and body.  I am so grateful that I did.

Today I am grateful:

That God is my conscious guiding light today and I seek his will for me, so that I can walk in the sunlight of his spirit

For the people He placed in my life that were teaching me unconditional love, even though it has taken me a while to see and appreciate that.

The prayer of St. Francis, that has made my days so serene lately

Last night when I went to bed it was eight degrees outside.  I was so grateful to have a warm home, food in my tummy and all safe and sound.  I was especially grateful to not have to be working outside today.

Choices

The journey that is my life, I would not change a thing!

Let's See Now.......

I keep typing and deleting, typing and deleting. Not sure where to begin, or if I should even begin at all. I think some bullets are in order.

• I had a wonderful holiday this year filled with love and kindness!
• Last Monday I realized after much writing, praying and crying, that I am not as tough as I think I am, and furthermore, I do not have to be, or act like I am tough.  I am not tough!
• Last Monday, I laid myself off from my job.
  
• Monday night as I walked through the gate, I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 
• Not working enabled me to do so much for those less fortunate than I.
• I think going into detail about service work and specifically telling you what I did or do, somehow diminishes it.  I only mention it so that others may do the same and discover just how rewarding and heartfelt it is!
• Having said all that, I still reserve the right to bitch about making coffee every Friday. LOL!
• Speaking of which, there were five of us there on Christmas night and we had a beautiful candlelight meeting.
• I heard from my youngest brother and my oldest brother on Christmas day.  Youngest brother does not have any idea about any of the recent events between  our parents and myself.  We had a wonderful visit, and unbeknownst to him, I felt reassured by his words.  No one else called, and I called no one this year, not even my Dad.
  
• Not working enabled me to go to a meeting tonight that I would not ordinarily go to, and God put another alcoholic in my life to work the steps with.
• At this same meeting I saw an old sponsee of mine that moved out of state last summer and she smelled like alcohol.  She said she will call me tomorrow so we can go to a meeting.
  
• Tomorrow I am  going to join a gym.  Then I will buy a new Speedo one piece bathing suit, a yoga mat and new tennis shoes.
• Under no circumstances will I be posting pictures of myself in said bathing suit..                   {so relax}LOL
  
• Next year I start my diet, but I am really excited about exercising.
• Ever since I made the decision to go on a diet I have been eating like a pig
  
• Despite being out of a job, I feel so grateful for everything!  I really feel like all the promises have come true for me all at once in this past week.
• I am so grateful that I can recognize that
• I am so grateful that today I can see the cup as overflowing with love.
• I cannot wait to go out in the new snow with my doggy tomorrow
  
• Life is a blessing!

• Goodnight!

(photo credit: me)

Merry Christmas

Christmas Eve Gratitude

Good morning bloggers!  Today I am grateful and thankful!

For a loving God in my life that I can feel  guiding me every day.

The feeling in my heart that everything is going to be OK

My fifth sober Christmas.  The best yet by far!

Playing secret Santa with a friend yesterday.  It was never planned and just fell into place.  Wish I could tell you more, but it is a secret.  Try it sometime, it is awesome!

To be willing and able to do for others unconditionally.  What a wonderful feeling!

To not want for anything materially, and wish only for love and kindness.

That my husband and I love each other and are together.

My loving friends and my doggy and kitty

For the delicious home cooked meal of prime rib and lobster I am able to cook for dinner today, with  big helping of nice warm comfy couch for dessert!  LOL.

To have a woman's day meeting to go to today that I have not been to since I went back to work.

To have my meeting to make coffee for tomorrow night, and one of the girls from the recovery house coming to help.

I am so grateful to want to give back to this fellowship what has been so freely given to me.  I do not need a meeting tomorrow night.  I am not worried about getting drunk or drinking or being around alcohol.  But I will see to it that doors of an AA meeting will be open for anyone who would like to attend on Christmas night.  And that my friends is a miracle!

To feel the true meaning of Christmas in my heart.

Feeling More Upbeat

Just have not had time to post.  Sorry to start the week off with such sadness.  Will catch up tomorrow!

I Miss Her

Tonight I was giving a girl a ride home and Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" was on the radio.  I looked over at her and asked her if she was alright?  She burst into tears.  "I miss my Mama," she said.  I told her that I would help her any way I could, to see her Mama for Christmas.  She told me that her Mama is in the cemetery.  She died two and a half years ago. When we got to her house, we talked in the car for a few moments.  She will call me tomorrow.  I am her new sponsor.

After I dropped her off, as I was driving home, I burst into tears.  I miss my Mama too, only she is not in a cemetery.  She lives a couple states over, and she has been asked by me, to leave me alone.  She chooses to live with a man that molested me.  Yesterday was their 38th wedding anniversary.  I thought I could accept her for who she is and what her decisions are, but I was wrong. I tried to accept and let her back in, but it is a package deal.  She does not come alone.  She comes with Him and his opinions and what not.  I told her I do not hate him, but I will never break bread across the table from him again.  I am not strong enough to even visit for any length of time in the world of denial and pretending that she lives in. I miss my Mama though.   I know she loves me. I love her too.

I don't know what to do.  It all feels like old stuff, and I do not know what the new stuff is.   The guilt is beginning to be unbearable.  So, on the way home in the car,I told God, I do not know what I am supposed to do, please show me or tell me.  So, I am waiting to find out.  I know the answer will come, and it will feel right.

Right now I know that I will be going to the cemetery with this girl on Christmas, and I truly believe I am supposed to do that. The tears are necessary, and they feel good.  They have been lurking back there for a while.  Tomorrow is a new day.
Goodnight, and thanks for listening.
Patty

Each Day a New Beginning

I have that meditation book.

• It has a knack for saying exactly what I need to hear on any  given day or moment. 
• So do you bloggers. 
• Today was a good day.
•   I smiled at every person I made eye contact with today, even though none of them were heading for the "Golden Gate Bridge." 
• I had a heart to heart with a co-worker today and we made a pact, that we would be positive and upbeat no matter what!
• I was able to somehow keep pretty quiet, hmmm
  
• Each day IS a new beginning
• Thank you God
  

Dear God, Why Can't I Shut-Up?

Why do I always have to say something negative?
Why is it a major effort for me to be grateful?
Why do I hate my asshole boss's so much?
Why can't I just get along and go with the flow?
Why do I think everything is all about me?
Why can't I stop saying Mother F-ker evey time I turn around?
Why did I go to homegroup tonight and make the most hideous comment of my life?
Why can't I just stop and shut-up?
What am I supposed to be learning from all this?
Did you read the letter I sent you today?
I am ready, please help.
Goodnight
Love, Patty

(that is not me in the photo, but I would really love a megaphone like that)
(photo credit, microsoft office)

Saturday Morning..... AHHHHHHH!

Good morning all!  It is a very cold but sunny Saturday morning.  I am on the second day of a three day weekend.  I got my forty hours in by Thursday and so I am off.  I was a little pissed to be dealt out of the OT this weekend and then I thought, "Are you nuts?"  With the wind chills it was four degrees most days.  I am such an alcoholic.

I feel kind of bad bitching about my hubby changing the channel the other day.  Wow, what a response from bloggerland!  I do not want that one thing to define him.  I was totally bitching and whining.  I never mentioned that he had supper on the table every night I walked in the door, all the laundry done, and my coffee thermos ready for me every day?  Oh, yeah, my house is spotless this weekend.  All I have to do is........um, whatever I want.  Thanks so much for all the support you guys!  AHHHHHHHH!

Speaking of doing whatever I want, I took my final Thursday night and passed with flying colors, a 98.4 to be exact!!!  Thank you God!!  And thanks to my professor for giving an awesome review guide with practically all of the questions in it.  I am off school for a month now.  What a major relief.  I had a huge melt down right before the test and then on my way home.  I told my husband I don't know if I can do this anymore.  It is just too hard.  Going to work and school.  The stress, the commitment, the never having time for anything.  I have one semester to go, I think I can make it.  Funny, this morning he told me, "You know you always say that when you come home from a final."  He's right I do, actually this semester's meltdown was quite mild compared to past semesters!  LOL.  You should have seen me the night I thought I was going to get a "D."  I ended up with a "C", which was a miracle in itself, that was last year at this time, I was working out in the cold every day and going to counseling twice a week, working on my family of origin stuff, feelings, my abuse.  Fun stuff.  God carried me through that semester.  So why would he not get me through the next one?  Think I will just take the next month off and not worry about any of it today!  By the way, did you know that "C" stands for "satisfactory"?  Well, it does.  I am very grateful to be getting a very solid "B" in this class.  Now my Anatomy and Physiology  I & II days are behind me forever.  AHHHHHHHH!

On to more better stuff, LOL.  Last night we had an awesome meeting.    Finished reading step four in the "Little Red Book," finished with "anger" and "blind spots." {for those of you playing at home} Fantastic stuff and wonderful sharing.  Eleven women showed up for the meeting. Three girls showed up early to help me make coffee last night!  LOVE IT!  The chairwoman showed up! After the meeting, another woman signed up to chair next month!  Due to a children Christmas program, we had to set up in a small classroom last night, which was fine.  The halls were filled with little three and four year  olds running around dressed as angels, farm animals, wise men.  I even saw Mary and Joseph.  They were just adorable!  The ones who were not in the program were all dressed up to watch in beautiful  Christmas dresses and little suits and ties.  It really brought tears to my eyes!

There are not any little children in my life to share Christmas with.  Sometimes it makes me a little sad, but I am going to ask God to send some my way.  My husbands family does not do Christmas, kind of sad, but that is how it is.  It is not a religious thing, they just don't do any of it, end of story and quit asking questions.  And then my family, well, I am not even gonna go there today.  Let's just say for now, I am estranged, and it is a major releif. We, however do set up a tree and buy a few gifts for each other.  It has taken me years to get my hubby into Christmas.  The first year we were together it was like pulling teeth to get him to agree to a tree.  Now he gets as excited as a little kid.  Can you imagine growing up and never having Christmas, or even a birthday card, party or present?  They don't believe in Birthdays either.  I always buy him lots of little things to open to make up for lost time. 

My plans for the day are there are no plans!  I may go to Amish country shopping, or I might lay on the couch all day.  I have a little decorating to do, I want to set up my Christmas village on the buffet.  Do some cards.  All fun stuff, no pressure. It feels wonderful..  I know I have to work on Monday, but there are no tests to study for, no labs to prepare.  I feels absolutely wonderful!!!!  The best part is that I made it through again with God's grace!  I am sober, smoke free and oh so grateful.  Life is really, really good!  Thanks for listening! And thanks for all of your support and comments this week, it really lifted me up.  Oh, yeah, the other day when I wrote that last post, I went shopping and found a pair of jeans that looked  good and fit me great, did me a world of good, and I love my new haircut, why have I kept my hair so long all these years, it feels great right at my collarbone.   AHHHHHH!

My Sunday

• I just finished decorating my tree I sat up last week
• I was watching a good movie while I was doing it, my husband walked in, sat down and put on football game like I was not even there.
• Yesterday on a whim, I got my long hair cut very short
  
• Today I have a migraine and I am very tired
  

• Despite not eating very much all week and working like a horse, I gained five more pounds. That makes a total of 35 pounds. I have never been this fat in my whole life.
• This morning I wanted a cigarette as soon as I got up, I still would like one.

• I think I am PMS-ing
  

just not enough hours............. and miss you all.

Howdy friends.  I just have not had enough time to write.  I am so busy at work and school.  Also have not been getting to very many meetings, but all is well.  Tonight was the last night of class.  Next week is the final, and then a month long vacation from school at least!  I miss being able to read everyone's blog every day, and comment.  Work has been cold and just exhausting every day.  Remember a while back I was complaining about all the mindless jobs I get to do?  Well not in the last couple of weeks.  I am doing all the big boy jobs, dragging hoses and pumps around, shoveling my ass off, carrying and cutting pipe, on and on.  I cannot complain.  The ten hour days have been going by pretty quick.  The weather has not been that awful bad, but working in the freezing rain the other day sucked out loud, excuse my expression.  I am very grateful to be working.  I am not sure if I still will be after the holidays, so I will see.  Meanwhile, I am going to get off here and take a shower and settle in with my new issue of "The Grapevine" that I have not read yet.  Thanks for unwinding with me tonight.  I promise I will take some time soon and write that post for jENN and pass that award on.  Bye for now!