Overdue Gratitude List

Tonight I am grateful for:

Being able to relax and sleep in all weekend.

Passing my class in school, not with flying colors but I am holding down a solid "B" in a very difficult, demanding class, and that makes me very grateful.

Several opportunities where I kept my mouth shut for once and was very glad I did.

While speaking to a group of women on Friday night, I started crying, and I did not try to stop, I just let it flow. That has never happened.
(The tears came when I told about the hope I felt the day I attended my first AA meeting)

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and all the folks who kept the doors open when I got here. Thank-You!

My awesome HomeGroup(s)

Not feeling crazy, hormonal, or having a nicotine fit in the last few days.

Resting, vitamins, prayer....taking care of myself.

The people and critters in my life who still love me despite being crazy, hormonal etc.

For every single moment I have been sober

For being smoke and nicotine free for over four months now, a miracle!

To be able to see that I have grown in this program, and I want to continue to grow and be of maximum usefulness.

For all of the steps and the map for living they have given me.

The wonderful feeling of God guiding me.

My precious life!

Ode To Lou

Got up this morning, hit the blog

Went to see Lou,

My favorite Al-Anon.

She’s gotta go.

Got things to do.

Might be back some day,

But I’m so blue.

She’s got so much class and dignity,

What an example of recovery.

Oh Lou, Please don’t go.

It’s literally impossible to live.

Without.

Subdural.

Flow.

Flash Friday 55. Give it a try, 55 words, no more, no less and report it to the G-man.

Last Days of Summer

Problems Other Than Alcoholism (A Rant)

Seems like that is what I have been faced with in the rooms of AA lately. Geez, I don't mean to sound heartless and uncaring, but what difference does it make if you are bi-polar. Why does everyone seem to tell you that right off the bat anymore? Even my lab partner in school, "Oh, by the way, I am bi-polar." I think I just figured out that means that she does not have to do her share of the work. Is that what it means in AA too. "I am also bi-polar," so that means I get to sit here and whine while I get my meds readjusted from my last relapse, do absolutely nothing, and then go back out and drink again, oh and by the way could you come by and pick me up a little earlier next time so I can pick up a pack a cigarettes and a cup of free ice at the gas station.

Here's another good one, I heard this yesterday. I can't go to a meeting tonight, I need to go to the ER, I think I have syphilis, but after I find out what's going on I will be going to some because there are some people I am going to need to talk to.

I know there are many people in the rooms of AA with problems other than alcoholism (myself included), that do not feel the need to inflict everyone else, God bless them!
I am so grateful that when I got here I knew what my biggest problem was-alcohol, and this was the place to find the solution to THAT problem.

So could we please leave our mental, drug, marriage, divorce, childhood abuse and all the other things we loved to drink over problems outside the doors of the rooms of AA? Maybe if you work on the solution for the drink problem, more will be revealed, and you may find a way through your other issues, I did. You know what? It was freaking hard! It was way harder than whining and expecting everybody to kiss my ass. It was as hard as anything I have ever done. But after working the 12 steps, I came to believe that I was definitely worth it, and doing so would pave the way to making me of maximum usefulness to my Higher Power.
But what it all comes down to is that if you do not even have a drinking problem, then you do not belong here, I'm sorry. The ONLY requirement is a desire to stop drinking, and if you do not drink, and you do not suffer from this grave disease, then there is the door.

I Love Fridays

Even though I am still off work, I love Fridays!

• Friday is my house cleaning day. Get everything all neat and tidy for the weekend.

• Friday night is steak night, and for me that means one very easy meal to prepare, fire up the grill and make a salad.
• Friday is mow the lawn day so my husband can relax this weekend and watch football or whatever.
• Friday night is my women's meeting night, and that is why Fridays are really extra special to me!
• I am so grateful that I am grateful for Friday's for all of these reasons and more, and none of them have anything to do with going out and getting drunk, or even just "having a few drinks' as I used to like to say....All of them have to do with having fun, living life to the fullest and helping others.
• Better get busy enjoying my Friday! Going to spend some quality time with my doggy too.
• Going to post some pics of my sewing projects this weekend too if I get the chance. I made a really cool Halloween blouse for my friend! I am giving it to her tonight!
  

Lake Chautauqua, NY.




Oil City Pennsylvania.


I have not had much time to blog, but want everyone to know that I am well and sober and smoke free. Last weekend hubby and I celebrated 16 years of marriage and took a road trip to NY and PA. Here are some pics. ENJOY!

I'm Not Giving Up

I Seem to be feeling better today, so far. This crying stuff seems to come at me from out of left field. Last night I went to home group and just listened. I heard some stuff I needed to hear and afterward a friend came up and started talking to me and the tears just came. I did not want to make the meeting all about me, and besides, we are studying the 12 & 12.

One thing I have been thinking about is after next week I am going to be taking a step back from this group and only attending once in a while. Going to school, and having two homegroups can be a little too much for me sometimes. That is four solid commitments a week and it can get hectic. Another thing I am thinking about taking a step back from is my sponsor. It feels like we have up each others ass too much lately. We have been trying to be friends too, and it just does not work. One minute we are chit-chatting and the next minute she is reprimanding me for something I said or did wrong that I need to inventory. So, I am taking a step back and I feel very relieved about it too. I thought I would be worried, but I feel like God will put who I need in my path, when I need them, and there is a lesson in all of this. There is some other stuff having to do with my "estranged" family. Some of you were here last year when I told my Mom the truth and asked to be left alone. Remember this post? Well she was never able to leave me alone, she e-mails frequently and I have responded to a couple of them. I received a response from her the other day saying that "we would like to help you by paying for your school." My big problem with that is the "we" part. I really don't know how I feel. Ungrateful? Guilty? Unforgiving, she even mentioned his name a couple of times in the e-mail. I guess she will never really understand. Maybe I wont either. I KNOW I have to forgive eventually. I have decided that will happen in God's time, when he knows I am ready. I even said a little fake prayer for him the other day. I told God it was fake, but he knew, but it was a start I guess. Usually when I go through this kind of stuff I figure out later on that God was really working, or trying to work on me. I am hoping that maybe I am over some kind of hump in all of this. Last night during the meeting I had a fleeting thought of me sitting at the bar drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. Smoking in bars is outlawed in Ohio, so that took some of the joy out of it. But more than that, it was the feeling of just giving up. I have had that before. It passed and I did talk to someone about all of it.

Today is a new day and I am still sober and smoke free. I am so grateful that I have no regrets. I have a test tonight in school and I am not the least bit nervous about it. I feel totally prepared, that is a blessing. Gods grace is amazing and so evident to me today. I really am truly grateful.
Thanks to you guys for listening too.

Not a Nice Rant

I don't know what is going on with me but I really do feel crazy. I sincerely felt like smoking today. I am so sick of feeling like this. I have been crying all weekend and in between the crying arguing with my husband. Would a cigarette solve anything? Probably not but my God how long is this going to go on? I just don't know if I can take it. I know I have a perception problem, people say things to me and I totally take them the wrong way. But am I always wrong? Sometimes isn't an asshole just an asshole? But then I am supposed to turn the other cheek and keep my mouth shut. Then there is my husband. Pick,pick,pick. "Oh, I was just kidding." ha fucking ha. The ONLY thing that has helped me is asking God to please give me some of His love for just about everyone I come in contact with including myself. That's how I got through yesterday, God's grace. I am so, so sad, I just can't stop crying. and I am so, so sick of this. I will go to home group tonight and listen and pray. Thanks for listening.

Step 2
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

In the next few days we have another funeral to go to. An acquaintance of my husband's. A horrible,fatal crash. A direct unofficial result of alcohol consumption. The driver is dead, passenger in ICU.


I can never forget that I have a disease that wants to kill me. This disease can start a snowball of sick thoughts rolling in my head that seem so harmless and innocent, until I realize what is happening. I cannot disregard it or blow it off either. I have to talk about it, I have to write about it. I had an opportunity to talk about it at the meeting tonight, but I didn't, a bunch of bullshit came out instead. After I passed I sat there and said, I should have just kept my mouth shut and listened. Now, that I have woke up out of a dead sleep in the middle of the night I realize that this is what I should have shared.
Am I obsessing about drinking? No. Did my disease talk to me today? Yes, in a big holiday weekend sort of way, it sure did. It started out with me craving the homemade salsa I had made the day before, for breakfast. You know eating salsa for breakfast sounds about as logical as having a beer with it at nine AM, but that is right where my thoughts went with that. I was sort of like a deja vue, memory lane sort of thing. Later in the car I would have sworn the DJ was talking to me.
"You know it's the last weekend to party this summer, better do it up good! Get out there right now and get started."
Later in the store, my mind started to wander, I wonder what, you know if I was going to drink, what would it be? Corona or my old Canadian favorite? Well, yeah, I would have to get the kind of beer my husband liked so he could drink with me and it would be OK. Doesn't this all sound perfectly innocent?
On the way home, back to the radio station called classic vinyl, and some oldie but goodies that took me back to a time when it was no holds barred. No thought of consequences, consumption, or anything except for where, when and how. Where is the stuff, when are we going to get it, who is going to get it for us. Where the hell are they? How much do they got? Now that I sit here and write all of this stuff it makes me truly grateful that my holiday weekends no longer revolve around my disease in that way. Come Monday or Tuesday, the guilt and pain would be so overbearing. So much money spent, time wasted, body ravaged. The holiday over with and I spent it sitting in my kitchen drinking and doing dope all weekend, after I said I was not going to do that. I was just gonna get a little and have a few beers. Party down some, hey it's the holiday I deserve it! The insanity would begin way before any mind altering substance was put in my body. It would start driving down the road, in the grocery store, while I was at work. You know about Thursday that huge hangover I had been nursing all week from my last binge would be fading. The insane thoughts would start all over again, and I would believe them....again. That craving would start and I would listen to it and justify it and feed it. The vicious cycle at it's best. While we are in that moment, we never even consider that we could be anything close to insane. Oh crap, screwed up-again. Wasted three days of my life-again. Blew a bunch of money-again. Feel like shit-again. Never gonna do that-again.


I never even considered that maybe I was having insane thoughts even during the meeting, while we were discussing step two and the insanity and the denial that comes with it. Then, after I got home, I started getting a resentment. It was towards my sponsor. I finally stopped and asked God, what is going on with me? OK, the PMS is over, yeah there is full moon tonight. I have been taking my hormones the doc gave me. You know sometimes it is just none of the above. I am and always will be an alcoholic. I am powerless over the first thought and the first thought only. After I asked God that question, I never got quiet and waited for an answer, but for some reason I woke up at 3:45 AM with all this stuff running through my head. Now that I have put it all out here and got it out of my head, I have taken all of the power from it. Just sick random thought of an alcoholic woman. I sure do feel better, and closer to God than when I first sat down and started writing too. Hmm, how about that. God's grace is so amazing.
Thanks for listening, I think I am done now, goodnight!

Post # 250, Do I Love Me?

Gabby has inspired me today. This started out as a comment on her blog this morning, then I decided I would blog it here!

So often I have heard the term, "love yourself" or "how can anybody love you if you do not love yourself?" After some really intense step work over just the last year, I can honestly say that I am starting to like myself, and like myself enough to not worry what you think about me, and then to be OK with what you do think about me either way. On the same token, when I am "wrong, promptly admit it," take the proper action, and get on with life! I think you have to like before you can love, and on a certain level I do love myself. I love myself enough to not drink and keep recovering.

I know that no matter what, God loves me and approves of me. For so many years and still sometimes today, I need your approval on everything from how I act and what I say to what I wear. Eventually this gets me in a state of turmoil that is totally unnecessary. Usually I need to ask myself why a few times, kneel down and pray, and I am back where I need to be.

I am so grateful for these steps and the way they interweave around our lives and are always there to help us figure out whatever it is that is troubling us at the moment. Sometimes it is painful. Most times it is joyful, and then we are given the privilege of sharing this with our fellows so that they may continue on their journey a little further

Feeling good in my own skin is just one of the biggest rewards of sobriety so far. One of those promises that no one tells you about that is awesome beyond words. This gift has enabled me to be open and intimate in ways I was never capable of before, both emotionally and intellectually.

Thank you God for everything. Every-Little-Thing. Both the good and the bad has made me who I am today, and I like me, I really do.