Saturday I went to my friend's funeral. My neighbor passed away. She and I have been through a lot the last few months and it has taught me so much. I kind of regret not sharing it here as it happened, but I think that is how it is supposed to be. She taught me that I can do my very little small part in the big scheme of things. I do not have to try and do everything and be everything to everyone. I hope that I showed her the unconditional love that I was trying to convey. It has been a long road for her and I . We have been neighbors for over 18 years. We used to throw back some Crown Royal together too. The last few years she has not been well. In and out of the hospital. "Accidental" overdoses. I think I did write here once about her trying to break into the neighbors house a couple of years ago while naked,carrying a screwdriver and a dish scrubbie.

The last few months I have had to call 911 and social services on several occasions. Every time I saw her coming up the driveway I would say, "oh no what now." Usually she would be crying and disoriented. Funny as disoriented as she would get she almost always made it to my house. I would listen to her tale of woe and then I would eventually walk her home. In the last month I have had to call 911 twice because she thought someone was dead in her house. After the last 911 call, she spent nine days in the hospital. I felt so horrible. I told the officer who came about it all. How I wished I could do more. This nice officer assured me that I was doing plenty, and between he and I, we were going to get her the help she needed. Week before last I saw her coming up the driveway. Oh boy I thought, what now? I'm busy dammit. She was in her bathrobe and night gown with about four pairs of socks on, a cane and carrying all of her medicine bottles. She really looked good though. Cleaned up with clean clothes on. Teeth all shined up, both plates in! Hmmm. She came in and sat down and said ,"Pat, I want to thank you for everything you have done for me." I was floored. I made us some lunch and we sat and chatted like we had not done in years. Tears roll down my cheeks as I write this as they did that day. I got to visit with my old friend that I had not seen in years. I told her I loved her and she was my friend. I told her she was a miracle and I was so happy for her. She told me she loved me too. I was so happy. A couple of days later, and this my biggest regret, she asked to come down to her house she had something for me. I went down and she had a whole tub of stuff for me from old bras and hand lotion to expensive jewelery. I did not take any of it. Later on I thought, I should have taken something, she was grateful and wanted to give me something.

On Wednesday I went to go out on my front porch and there was a business card stuck in it. It was from the police officer that I had talked to weeks before. I called him the next morning and it was he who told me of her death. This lady did not live alone, and she had several children. I never thought I would take this so hard. I am so sad. I am allowing myself to be sad too, I never used to do that.
Goodbye my little neighbor friend. I know you are in heaven. I know you are at peace. Thank you for being my friend.

I Hope She is Not Going to Be Jealous

Some of you may be aware that a new season of "Project Runway" has started. As you all know I have a very busy schedule and not much time to sew lately, but when I ran into TIM GUNN, that's right I said TIM GUNN, Pam,in the fabric store yesterday, well, how could I turn down his expertise?

I was going to get some fabric to make a new blouse. (I saw one at the mall for $45.00) and thought, heck, I can make that for ten or less. I love doing stuff like that. Anyway, Tim talked me into buying one of P.R. patterns that Simplicity has out. He even helped me pick out the fabric and buttons! No there is no Mood in the town where I live, we were at JoAnn Etc. I found the nearly exact fabric I wanted for the blouse, and bought enough to make the blouse and line the jacket that Tim talked me in to.

[So here's the thing, we have to keep this kind of a secret from Pam over at Sobriety is Exhausting OK? She is a little possessive of Tim. I really hope she is not going to be jealous.] Here's a pick of my project runway project. The plaid is for the lining and the blouse. The corduroy is for the jacket.

Of course this is all in fun, but after Mitchell squeaked by last night..again, it made me think I could do way better than he has been!

Seventh Step Prayer

Seventh Step Prayer:
My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.

• My week has been going quite smoothly, thanks to the seventh step prayer, I believe.
• I am grateful to be going to a women's 11:00am meeting today.

I just have not been in the mood to blog, not sure why. For one I have been extremely busy, even though I am off work.....again. But I did treat myself to a little something today with my last big paycheck. This is what good girls, who get "A"'s in their summer classes, and don't smoke cigs for over 100 days get.

So tomorrow is back to school and I am looking forward to it. Anatomy and Physiology II. I read somewhere that having an expensive purse helps your GPA. LOL!! I peaked at the lab packet and as early and next week we will be dissecting an eyeball. COOL!

The new meeting is really growing. We have been averaging around 15-20 every week, more than I could have ever imagined. I have stopped walking on eggshells as far as the power thing is concerned, and realized that I do have to take more responsibility until there is an established home group that can make a commitment. Many that have made a commitment have been backing out due to football games and what have you. I will show up and make the coffee and ask people to chair on a meeting to meeting basis. We will have a homegroup meeting this week and I will say something to that effect. There will be no secretary or treasurer positions discussed until after the first of the year either. I have been praying about as well as seeking the advice of AA members who have done this before, and easy does it is the theme from all. So easy does it works for me. Some people the first week wanted to change the name, register in NY, buy coins and discuss food night. Food night? How about give the church some money night? By all means bring all the food you want! What an experience! I have to constantly remind myself that this is not my meeting, it is God's meeting. An if I am not reminding myself, someone else is, believe me!

Other news, not much really. I am working with a new sponsee. I myself have been doing a lot of work on steps 6-9. I have been meaning to share it here, but I just have not had time. Let's just say the eighth month is a good time to work step eight if you left any loose ends, your memory will likely get jogged. Every time I go to a meeting it is on step eight! Well, I got my memory jogged. I sure am a quick forgetter. I made two amends this month. It took a little time and some money and is still taking a lot of prayer. I expected nothing, but did receive much relief by having done them.

God is so good to me, for that I am eternally grateful!
Having said that.... I have a doctors appointment even though I have no insurance because I have no job, but I am going to go in there and unload on his ass! I need some fucking hormones or something! I got so PMS'd out this week I could have smoked and drank. Honest to God it sucks so bad. I am going to try a new take on the whole thing by being grateful for all of it. The cramps, bloating, irritability, cravings, migraines, insomnia, and crazy ass thoughts.
Good night everybody!

Surrender is Bliss

Thanks everyone for your support! Last night right after writing this I went over Hanks, and read this post. I have "The Best of Bill." I went to bed with that book and took it to work with me this morning. I read the essays on Love and Humility. THAT is what I needed to hear. THAT is what I was going through that I needed someone to share with me about. I was so glad that I had to work today because I wanted one more chance to deal with the guy who was getting under my skin all week. I spent a good ten minutes on my knees this AM. Begging God to please take it all, I promise I will let him have it. That guy did not bother me all day and he was just as nasty and condescending as ever if not more so. I kept praying to God for "humility just for today." (as Bill suggests in his essay) and I also prayed for this man that he would have the best of everything that there is in life. Was it all perfect? HELL NO!!! Was it wonderful? YES!!! I felt so close to God all day.

At lunch time my counselors office called they had a five thirty cancellation. I told the boss gotta leave a little early. When he came to relive me I got laid off! Not really bad news to me, in fact I am getting used to it I think. But I left and cancelled the appointment at the shrinks and now I am going to jump in the pool, eat supper and go to of all things, an Al-Anon meeting with my new sponsee! I am going to tell her about the Big Book thing. I did not read all of the forwards and I have not drank yet! BUT, I think it would be cool for us to go through the Big Book together. So I will ask her and see what she thinks. Thanks again to everyone especially you Hank! I am so glad you are still here! I am going to continue in "The Best of Bill" as well!

Not Much To Say

I am going through some stuff this week, I do not know what it is. I am not drinking or feel like drinking, but I am in a funk. I feel like my sixth and seventh step are throwing pies in my face every time I turn around. Does that make any sense? I do not know what to do. My sponsor suggest I keep quiet and listen, so that is what I am doing. That is very hard for me. There are lessons in all of this, I fail to learn most of them until I stick my foot or my entire leg in my mouth. Every single little thing I say blows up in my face. The good news for me is that I have actually been restraining myself....big time! But then I blow it and end up wishing I had just shut my mouth. Tonight I even got anxiety over it. I am also very, very sensitive about everything. My sponsor criticized the way I am going through the Big Book with a sponsee. I got really pissed. You know, I never went through the big book with a sponsor or the first three steps. Maybe I should not sponsor people at all. Every time I would get a sponsor they wanted me to start my fourth so thats what I did. Maybe I need to go back and work 1-3 before I even sponsor any more people? I don't know. I am so fucked up.

Friday Night Fun Stuff

Check this out. I have always been fascinated by this, and this video makes it seem even more fantastic. Enjoy! Sorry I cannot figure out how to put an actual player on my blog.

Saturday Night Bullets

• I don't know what is going on in my head half the time anymore. I feel like I am constantly saying or doing the wrong thing, yet I just cannot seem to keep my mouth shut and just go with the flow. I did go and get some iron pills and some estrogen, let's see if that helps. Oh dear.
• Usually when I feel like this, all cry-y and distraught I am going through a growth spurt, but I don't know what I am learning or am supposed to be learning or what I should do, if anything.
  

• Funny, since I finished school I have not really felt like blogging, I wonder if I was just using it as a distraction?

• Some around here have been saying that all is not what it seems in bloggerland. It has felt like that to me for quite some time. Just what my spidey senses have been telling me.

• The new meeting is going pretty good, things behind the scenes are getting better too, what a learning experience for me. A learning experience that has constantly had me on my knees.

• Tonight I was talking to God in the car and he told me to go to a meeting. I never go out on Saturday nights anymore. I went to a meeting and heard exactly what I needed to hear.

• So many of the women I got sober with have stopped going to meetings

• I called one of them the other night and asked her to come to the new meeting. She said she would she would as long as there was really good air conditioning. WTF? (I told her there is) She did not show up.

• I hate my job and pretty much everybody I work with. There I said it.

• I am very grateful to have a job.
  

• I am going to go to bed now. Thanks for listening :)

• Good night