CHICK MEETINGS ROCK!!!

Wow. Last night was the most awesome meeting ever. I cannot remember when I have heard so many women come straight from the heart. My eyes were full of tears almost from the get-go. My heart is full of gratitude to God and AA. There is a Friday night women's meeting in my home town, and it is awesome. I played my very small part in getting it started and it is off and running. Thank you God!
Last night we had 13 show up and four girls signed up to be home group members. I will chair one more meeting this month, and then I will be glad to take a back seat for a while. This has been an awesome experience for me, but like I said definitely ready to let someone else step up. Next week may not have many show up, I don't know, but I know one thing last night was awesome, awesome, awesome!
CHICK MEETINGS ROCK!!!

OH, yeah, going to go take my sociology test today and I am off school for a month! Yippee! Went back to work Thursday. That's a good thing too.
Have a great weekend everybody!

Last night my sponsor came over and we spent some good quality time together before she leaves for another vacation. I told her that her being away so much has sucked, but it has also been good for me in the long run. It has really made me rely on God much more, and that is always a good thing. We went over the inventory together and as they say in the Big Book, more WAS revealed. It's all good. Even the not so good is good, because I can change it. After a nice chat and catching up we went to a meeting together. The guy that spoke found out five minutes before the meeting that he was the speaker. Needless to say, it was awesome! The new girl showed up too!

Today was supposed to be my first day back to work, but due to some clerical errors and a missed random drug test while I was off, it looks like I will have another week off. That really makes me happy. It is finals week and I have a ton of studying and work to do. Plus, now I will not be missing class, which means I do not have to do the extra credit assignment! Yippee!

We have a wedding to go to this weekend, but I wish we could just take off for the mountains or something. Actually just staying home and not doing a big yard project would be nice!

Off I go now to finish Hamlet. Away with me, yon. Then maybe some shoe shopping! To be or not to be?

Saturday Night Bullets

• I have been at this computer almost all day, working on school crap.

• I contacted both of my professors and since it is the last week of school and my attendance is perfect, they have agreed to give me some make-up work to do to account for being late every day this coming week, as I return to work.
• That sentence was way too long, but I have been editing all day and I just don't care anymore.
• I have on average gotten 3.5 hours of sleep any given night this week.
• I was way more stressed out than I allowed myself to admit over this whole meeting thing.
• My sponsor has not had time to talk to me for the last three weeks for more than five minutes
  
• Others have been showing up
• A new girl I met Wednesday has called me the past two days to ask me how I was doing
• She came to the meeting Friday and is reaching out to the women in this program
• We are meeting at a meeting tomorrow
• God is so smart
  
• We had the "Little Red Book" meeting last night and it went well. Nine people showed up!
  
• Things "behind the scenes" did not go well at all
• The people that said they were not going to show up-did, and had allot of negative things to say(to me). I took it really hard
  
• Last night I lie in bed and prayed about it/beat myself up, till 4 AM.
• This morning I did a fourth step and I am feeling much better
• If we do not have any love for certain people at certain times, we can ask God to give us some of His love for them
• He always provides not only the love, but acceptance and serenity
• I don't know why I think I have to understand everything and everyone
  
• My husband took me to "Olive Garden" tonight on our date, it was delicious!
• We waited for our table at the bar. My husband had a beer and I had a raspberry soda. As we sat there I was very grateful for no desire to drink
  
• As we enjoyed our dinner we reminisced about the first time we ate there with a big group of our old friends-over 20 years ago!
• Most of those old friends are divorced now
• I am so grateful for my husband
  
• This is the coolest July I ever remember in my whole entire life
• I love having windows open in the summer!
• Today I picked blueberries, squash, roma beans, blue lake beans and cucumbers.
• I love to brag about garden stuff!
• I am very, very tired and I think I will sleep well tonight.
• GOODNIGHT!
  

Lessons of the Week (so far)

It feels like God has really been working on me this week. I have been seeking his will more diligently than usual. Here is what I have learned, (I hope)

• You can always rely on God, you can never rely on people. Every person that has said they would be there for me with this meeting thing has backed out. SURPRISE! That has made me rely on God more than ever, and for that I am grateful.
  
• My efforts to keep my ego in check in light of this whole thing has been like a full time job. Then last night I realized the main reason I am so conscious of that is because I do not want to look like an ass. Vicious cycle. I am most likely going to look like a huge ass at some point before the week is over and I am OK with that.
  
• I caught myself going into an "old behavior" last night with my sponsor. It's where I tattle tail on somebody to make me look better. I did not realize it until last night when I did my tenth step. I am not going to say anything to her, I am just not going to do that anymore.
  
• God put a very wise and kind man in my path yesterday who gave me some very good advice and suggestions on how to get things started. I am so grateful for that.
  
• I never told anyone about the format change thing, and changed it back. (:x)-{ my own personal crazy person symbol}
• I just got a call and yet another person has backed out of their obligation.
• Love and tolerance, love and tolerance
  
• This stuff is not the most important thing in my life today.
• Yesterday I got called back to work
• My husband asked me out on date this Saturday night
  
• I have a fourteen question take home test, three page essay and two page extra credit assignment to do this weekend for school. The extra credit is to keep my perfect attendance grade as I will be tardy when work starts.
• I am going to hit some garage sales today
  
• La, la , la , la , la!
• Everything is exactly as it should be right now at this moment.
  
• Life is good and I am so grateful to be sober.
  

No Summer Time Blues Here

Last night at home group we studied step three. Just what I needed. I have turned everything over to my Higher Power, especially where this meeting is concerned. It has eased so much tension that I was not really aware that was there, but now that it is gone I feel so much better. I have done the footwork: got the church, put out the word, leave the rest up to God. There were a couple of girls there last night from the recovery house who were very excited about it. Made me think, let these "old timers" have their issues with each other, there is no short supply of fresh alcoholics around here! I also have to keep remembering , "attraction rather than promotion." I may be sitting there alone for a while, and I really don't care!

Today I am grateful for:

A loving God of my understanding in my life today

The new girl I spoke with after the meeting last night, she was all fired up about recovery!

The twelve steps and the program of recovery I have been blessed to find.

Third step prayer that offers instant relief

The beautiful weather we are having this summer

Squash, cucumbers, beans, peas , and soon tomatoes from the garden

Knowing that I have choice today on how I look at or perceive things, either positively or negatively. I choose to be positive.

Two more weeks of school, then a month off.

Time off work that I have been given.,

Food in my fridge, bills paid, clean clothes, a nice soft bed to sleep in.

56 days smoke free, one day at a time.

This day today.

Feeling Kind of Wierd

Feeling a little weird tonight, not sure why. I had a nice weekend with my husband. We went to a graduation party last night. The booze was flowing and the cigs were smoking. I drank Pepsi. I had a nice time. I got to take a new corvette for a joy ride on the insistence of the owner. That was very cool. The food was awesome. I got a recipe for something called "Texas Caviar," a marinated concoction of black eyed peas, beans, shoe peg corn, peppers and onions. Yummy. My stomach has been upset since Friday though. Horrible pains. The pains are mostly gone, but it still feels sore-like.

This Friday will be the first women's meeting. I have already changed the format from Little Red Book, to step study. I still plan on using the little red book, but I want to include the 12 &12 and daily reflections too. It just did not feel right to have an AA meeting based totally on non-conference approved literature. Also, many of the people I have mentioned the meeting to want to know, who else is coming? How should I know. There are so many little tiffs around here. Jeez, get over it! It's not a tupperware party, its a freakin' meeting. If you want to come-fine, if not, don't! I refuse to get involved. Women can be so catty sometimes. Can we afford to keep grudges in AA? I don't think so, but man I am hearing some shit! So it will be what it will be, or it won't. I know I will be there with God on Friday nights! Don't worry I will bring my coffee pot and my resentments too! HA HA.

Now, I am going to go upstairs and do a serious tenth and eleventh, then snuggle up next to God.

Take care everyone, and thanks for listening.
Patty

CHICK MEETINGS ROCK!

It has been sort of a roller coaster ride for me the last couple of weeks. It has been almost two weeks since I heard form my sponsee. I should be used to this stuff by now. She was never mine, she is God's child. It has been a week since I tried to call her. I had to let her go. I pray she is not one of the ones who has to die. She has been very close, well actually dead more than once, and revived. I keep her in my prayers of course as well as her young daughter. Oh, yeah, I found out the other sponsee moved out of state!

So, one door closes and another one opens. I have had a dream for the last couple of years to start a womens Friday night meeting in my town. I figured I would wait until I got my degree first. Then the other day I was sitting around here and I pulled out the yellow pages and started calling churches. It was not looking too good. Most places wanted anywhere from 40-60 dollars a week! Yikes! I was getting a little discouraged, and called one more place. As it turned out they were having their board meeting that night. The secretary told me to call back the next day. She did not want my phone number or anything, so I was kind of thinking-blow off. Well I called yesterday and the Pastor answered and he told me that they would love to accommodate me. Thats right he said "love." Heres the even better part, they only want us to pay whatever we can afford. I am so excited! So this morning at eleven AM I go to meet with him and get the keys, sign some papers etc. Next Friday will be a group conscience meeting, I have been putting the word out. Oh, I forgot to tell you, it is going to be a Women's Little Red Book step study, with a speaker on the last Friday of the month. Other than that, I am leaving the rest of everything up to the group to decide. So far I have quite a few people interested! I am so excited. I really wish that "D" my sponsee was here to share in this with me.
Yesterday I was talking to friend about it and she told me she has just cleaned out a bunch of stuff in her kitchen and is going to donate a couple of coffee pots and 16 coffee mugs. So that means any money we put into the hat can be used for literature and books.

It has been a constant job to keep myself centered on this and not get all carried away. I have to keep telling myself, it is God's meeting, not mine, keep an open mind-not everyone is going to have the same vision as I do.

Now I am off to speed clean my house. No school tonight! A couple of friends are coming over to go swimming this afternoon, it's supposed to be a scorcher, although right now it is barely 60 degrees.
Bye for now, have a great weekend everybody!

Taking Care of Myself

"Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they , like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God, save me from being angry. Thy will be done." (Big Book, p.67)

Taking care of myself. It is something that I am still learning to do. It's right up there with letting God do for me what I cannot do for myself. There is a thin line between the two. God does not want me to stay in a situation that makes me feel bad about myself, but He cannot swoop down with His all powerful hands, scoop me up and place me somewhere else. What he has done is opened my eyes, lifted the fog. Given me a peace and serenity that I have never had before in my life, and I want to maintain it at any cost.

When the way someone else behaves effects the way I feel about myself, I have to stop and ask myself why? I used to go to any lengths to try and change their behavior so I could be OK. I would get really pissed off when I would try to guess what hoops they wanted me to jump through, and it was always wrong. They would still be angry about something. I had to realize that I was powerless and stop trying to control everything. First I had to realize that I WAS trying to control everything. Funny, I thought I was the one being controlled.

I also learned that I do not have to stay in their sickness either. I always thought I had to stay to be a "good person." I know today that it is OK to take care of me and leave if I have to. Just walk away, let them be as miserable as they want to be. Because if I stay in it, I have tendency to become a martyr, then a victim, then I get pissed. Those are three giant backward steps for me, not always easy to come back from right away either. The way I always dealt with this vicious cycle before was to get really,really drunk. Now, there may be a few days of really sick thinking. I am grateful that my sponsor usually spots this pattern in me before I do, and she is helping me to recognize it before it spins outof control, and the next thing I know I have a pile of fourth steps to do. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but if I can avoid the first step in this relapse, it can save me so much misery. But hey, that's how we learn!

So yesterday I knew an ugly situation was approaching. Old me, would have gone to any lengths to try and control the situation. I would make my house look perfect. I would kill myself doing this all day. I would prepare food, buy gifts, whatever I thought would avoid this sticky situation that was coming. Oh, yeah, I would be getting very numb too. The numbness factor was number one on the agenda of course, but that would be my little secret. Instead of doing all those things that I used to do, yesterday I got my studying done, did what I thought was enough house work for the day, and then I went outside and sat in a lawn chair and did my nails and read my 12 & 12 and Daily Reflections. It felt good. I took care of me.

When I got home from school last night, things were pretty much what I expected them to be. Not nice. I kept quiet, listened, made dinner, said the fourth step prayer over and over in my head, recited my gratitude list over and over in my head. I did not get pissed. I came close to leaving a couple of times, but I did not. Later we were talking and this person told me that his soul depends on people at work getting along with and liking him.
(Sigh)Thy Will be Done.

Wordless Wednesday

What is a Sponsor?

A Sponsor is:

• A member of the program that has what you want.
• Someone that will share their experience strength and hope with you and guide you through the 12 steps of recovery, one step at a time.
  
• A fellow alcoholic who can offer suggestions that can save your life if you follow them.
• Someone that can answer any questions you have, or help you to find the answers.
• A person that you know for sure will be there for you 24/7.
• Someone who is an alcoholic just like you, and learning right along with you.
  

A Sponsor is NOT:

• Higher Power, God, Buddha etc.
• Someone who "keeps you sober."
  
• Your Mama
• Your Daddy
• Taxi cab driver
• Counselor
• Loan Officer
• Problem Solver
• Babysitter
• Probation Officer
• Personal Recreation Director
• Diaper Changer
• Booze Police
• Conscience
• Best Friend
• Job Reference (without permission)
• Job Finder
• Housing Finder
• Furniture Finder
• Grocery Shopper
• Player
  

Cating Up In Bulletts

Hi Everybody!

Besides school and the endless writing of thesis papers, here are a few other things I have been up to:

• Picking cherries and raspberries, making jams and cobblers.
• Helping my husband finish a driveway project that lasted a month and involved the recycling of thousands of bricks.
• Working with a sponsee who at the moment is very pissed off at me.
• Calling churches, trying to find a space to start a new women's meeting, a dream I have had for a couple of years now.
• Working with my sponsor
• Gaining weight
• buying new clothes cause nothing fits
• NOT SMOKING
• eating lots of chocolate riesin candies, chip and dip,berry cobblers
• NOT SMOKING
• Today I bought a cute workout outfit instead of the jeans that are two sizes larger than what I used to wear.
• Trying not to be too hard on myself
• NOT SMOKING
• Trying not to be too hard on others
• Today I went for a walk, and then to a meeting
• I sat and listened, the topic was, how to start your day over. Cool.
• I have an AA friend in my literature class. Very Cool.
• Floating in the pool whenever I can
  
• Reading your blogs and leaving the occasional comment
• Joined the corrections committee, I have a woman A.A. pen pal that I write to now! Just sent out my first letter last week.
• Clipped my dog and she looks like a big teddy bear.
• Since I am off work, I have tan on my legs, I mean nice tan, for the first time in years!
• Thanking God everyday for all the blessings in my life. I am so Grateful!!!!
• Learning how to slow down
• Getting really good grades in school
• I got to know a lady in the line at Sam's Club today. The computers went down. We stood there and had a nice chat about watermelons. She is looking for the perfect watermelon for her friend who has cancer. This will be her last summer, and all she wants is some good old fashioned watermelon, you know, the big kind with the seeds in it? Anyway, we got to talking about how people like her friend can be so happy and peaceful, and so ill. I can immerse myself into a sea of self pitting with the common cold! She told me her friend said you can't sweat the small stuff. Just don't sweat the small stuff, cause life is too short.

I'm not sweatin' the small stuff. Have a great Fourth everybody.
Love, Patty