Monday Morning

• Not much to post this AM
• Had a hectic few days around here with the water heater issues
  
• New water heater is working OK now
• I can feel God working on me this past week, throwing situations and people in my path
• I am learning that other people can be as nasty and negative as they want, and I don't have fix or judge.
  
• I also do not have to stay in that negativity with them.
• I have choices
• Had a nice day with hubby yesterday, went for a bike ride, and hunted mushrooms
• We found 185 mushrooms!
• After blogging for over a year, I just discovered that I too, have bullets and font choices!
• My quit smoking date is coming up, but I don't want to tell anyone when it actually is.
• I am enjoying every single cigarette up to that moment
• I am ready to breath better and take better care of myself
• I am over the fear of gaining weight
• I want to be free of this addiction
  
• Looking forward to another day with over 80 degree temps
• Lilacs are blooming.
• Grateful for this day to live, learn and just be.
• Looking forward to getting together with some girls for a study of the book , "Drop The Rock" starting tomorrow evening
• I feel like I am very close to getting something that I have wanted for a long time
• Now more than ever I have to keep seeking God's will for me on this matter in particular,as my way has seldom worked in the past.
• It's hard for me to "Let Go and Let God" sometimes, but that is what works
  
• I can see the corner up ahead, and I think I know which way I am supposed to turn, but I need to wait until I actually get to the corner and see what direction I am nudged towards.
• I am grateful to have experienced another April.
• I love going outside and seeing the new growth and changes on a daily basis
• Every day the hostas are popped up a little further, and I can find something else that is coming out of it's winter sleep.
• Pics are forthcoming!
  
• I don't do so hot with bullets!
  

Grateful For What Is

I am so grateful today;

For the peace of mind knowing that I have a loving God in my life guiding me and watching over me.

That my husband and I both have our health

That my husband has a job

That even though the job outlook for me is very grim at this point, I am not freaked out or panicked about it.

For this time that I have had off from work and school

That I registered for classes this summer.

To be OK with being....and not feeling like I have to constantly be doing.

To be the grateful, recovering woman that God has made me.

All the steps, forward, baby, and especially the backwards ones

My whole entire life

Acceptance

Back From Retreat

I returned from retreat Sunday evening. I had a good time and came back refreshed and exhausted. Does that make sense? This was my third retreat. The last two times I went I arrived with very heavy burdens on my heart. It felt good to arrive with a lighter load this time. No expectations, just open to whatever God had to show me and teach me.

The first night, I was in my room alone reading, and I picked up my Daily Reflections, I randomly opened up to April 16th, and read. It talked about indulging in our character defects. I saw myself written all over the page. Not only could I see myself, I could feel the honest desire to want to change, and the willingness to do what needs to be done to make those changes, to move closer to God. I asked God to show me what it is He wants me to do next, what is the next step for me. The message I received was "Be still and know that I am God." I received the message loud and clear. The saying, "More will be revealed" came to mind for me. It was the right time for me to see these things in myself and to be ready to change them. I remember someone telling me once on the subject of steps six and seven that just because we know what our character defects are does not mean that it is time for us to be rid of them. We talked about it at the first conference too. Our character defects are our comfort zone to us, it's the stuff that has always worked for us, it's the familiar way. Many of them are survivor skills. I think I needed some of these defects of character to get me to where I am today in my recovery. To get me through dealing with the abuse. To get me past victim status, and on to survivor, and now it is time to just be me, whoever that may be. But now, those defects are not needed anymore, they are blocking me from the sunlight of spirit. I know this, because just admitting to them, makes me feel so much closer to God. So peaceful.

I have a whole new perspective on things, especially in the realm of helping others. Learning to listen with compassion. Sharing my stuff when appropriate. Loving unconditionally. Not thinking that I have to be the one that makes sure that someone else,"gets it." I can just do my very small part in the background. I can just be still, and know that there is a God, and He is watching over ALL of us, all the time. What a wonderful journey it is, this life, to know peace, what a blessing.

Retreat

Getting ready to go on my annual retreat this weekend. I am looking forward to relaxing and having some quiet time with no obligations.

When I think of where I was last year at this time when I went, it really makes me excited to be going. I have gotten rid of so much junk since then. I remember asking for prayers for help with all that stuff during a prayer and anointing ceremony on the last day. I had just started counseling and was feeling very raw and confused. I was convinced that the goal was forgiveness. Today my goal is healing, and allowing myself to be healed. I know that it will all come in God's time, and I am OK with that today.

If you have not already, stop over to Syd's blog and read this, so true, so difficult sometimes, but oh so worth it.

Tuesday Morning Gratitude

Today I am grateful:

For a loving God in my life.

For God letting me get out of the way long enough to help a few people Saturday night, by telling my story.

For the April rain that is watering my little seeds and plants, and the promise of lilacs very soon!

For the people God has put in my life, He knows who they are.

Prayers from friends, my friend who was in ICU is recovering and should be going home soon.

That yesterday, I celebrated my birthday-the day I was born (or belly button birthday as some call it)...sober, for the fourth consecutive time.

11th tradition, (and I am out!)

I would like hear some feedback on this:

A June 2008 Grapevine article led to me to this link, I found it very interesting. It has changed the way I will blog from now on, out of respect for the 11th tradition. After giving it some thought it really does make allot of sense. I am not AA. No one from AA world services has asked me to represent the program publicly here or anywhere else. About a week ago, my sponsor and I were having a conversation about something very similar. Last year at Founders Day, I had bought a pretty purple sticker with a silver triangle on it. Very simple. I have yet to put it on my car. I told her, I just don't feel right putting it there. She told me she would never put any such sticker on her vehicle because her car could wind up in a bar parking lot tomorrow, and her inside on the bar stool. It really made think. All I have is today. I love this program, my views and my opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of AA. So, I will continue to talk about the steps, recovery, The Book, but I will leave AA out of it, because I am human, I am alcoholic. All I have is today, and if I get drunk tomorrow, I in no way want to reflect on The Program as a whole.
http://www.aa.org/lang/en/en_pdfs/mg-18_internet.pdf
GENERAL SOCIAL NETWORKING WEB SITES
MySpace, Facebook and other social networking Web sites are public in
nature. Though users create accounts and utilize usernames and passwords,
once on the site, it is a public medium where A.A. members and
non-A.A.s mingle.
As long as individuals do not identify themselves as A.A. members, there
is no conflict of interest. However, someone using their full name and/
or a likeness, such as a full-face photograph, would be contrary to the
spirit of the Eleventh Tradition, which states in the Long Form that, “…
our [last] names and pictures as A.A. members ought not be broadcast,
filmed or publicly printed.”
Experience suggests that it is in keeping with the Eleventh Tradition not
to disclose A.A. membership on social networking sites as well as on any
other Web site, blog, electronic bulletin board, etc., that is not composed
solely of A.A. members, is not password protected or is accessible to the public.

Prayer Request

A fellow home group member is suffering from complications after a serious surgical procedure.
Please keep Grant and his family in your prayers for me. Thanks

God, thy will be done. I pray that you are guiding the doctors and nurses that are taking care of my friend, that he has all the right care and medicine to make him better, so that everything that is humanly possible is being done for him.

God, I pray that your love is wrapped around his family during this fearful time for them.

It's a Simple Program

When I first came in to AA, I remember thinking, what can I take, what can I use? What fragments can "cure" me of my obsession to drink? Sure, these other people sitting here may need to follow all the suggestions and work those 12 grueling steps, but I don't think I do. I just need help figuring out how to change everyone around me so I do not have drink anymore. If only they would stop saying and doing things that irritate me, I would be OK. Truth of the matter was, it did not matter what they said or did, I still wanted to drink to oblivion. Sometimes being nice to me pissed me off more than an argument or confrontation. Don't you dare tell me I wrong about anything!

It took a while, but I finally figured out, from you people, that I was not going to change anyone. So, I prayed to God to change them for me. Hey, I was realizing that there was a power greater than myself that could restore me sanity, and the only way to restore me to sanity was to change everyone to my liking. I did not think I was the least bit selfish, but rather entitled!

At six months sober, after a near relapse, I got my first real sponsor and started working the steps. I started praying for God's will for me, and my marriage and nothing else. I put it all in my Higher Power's hands, every day. At night I thanked this Power for getting me through another day sober and serene. At eight months sober, something happened. I was sitting in a meeting and someone was reading the promises. It suddenly dawned on me, that many of these promises where coming true for me in my life.

It was also at this late date I was starting my fourth step. While doing my fifth, the light came on, and I could, for the first time in my life, see myself and others for the flawed, lovable human beings that we all are.

It all seems like so long ago, but it has only been a few years since then. Doing that fourth step was so scary for me. But with just about everything I have feared doing in this program, it has had multiple blessings.

That near relapse was three years ago this month. The fear I felt getting ready to take that drink, which I intended to lead to my death that day, was far greater than any fear of having to look at myself, be wrong, say I'm sorry, or stand up in front of a room of alcoholics and tell my story.

I am so grateful for this program of recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous.
I am so grateful for the people who have come before me and kept it alive and the doors open.
I am so grateful for the ones who let me be as crazy as I needed to be, and loved me anyway.
The ones who picked up the phone
The ones who called out of the blue
The ones who went back out, and never returned
The ones who returned and shared their story with me
For teaching me how to live One Day at a Time.

Letting Go of Expectaions, Letting In Exceptance

It has been a week! So much going on I don't where to start. To those of you who "know" me, you remember this post, from last year. A warning, it is long and somewhat graphic. Anyway, much has happened since I wrote that post. Most of it good on the recovery front. I asked the family members in that post to please leave me alone. It has been difficult for them to do, especially my Mom. Over the months I have been able to heal, by using the steps, letting my Higher Power guide me, going to counseling, and taking some time for myself. The most difficult of which, believe it or not, was taking the time for myself.

So,last Sunday as soon as I hit publish on my blog, my cell phone rang, it was my Mom, I immediately got a huge knot in my stomach. I had been thinking of her allot lately, as her birthday was coming up, and I was (over) analyzing my silence. Was I doing this to punish her? How much longer did I need to do it? What if she died tomorrow? Would I have regrets? The only question I could answer was, Was I doing this to her? I did not feel like I was doing anything to anyone except myself. I was doing what I needed to do for me. Sometimes I felt very guilty and selfish about everything with no provocation from anyone. But every single time, the relief of not feeling like I had to be fake, or lie, or pretend anymore outweighed any of those other feelings.

Funny, one of the things she said in her message was that "she thinks this has gone on long enough!" Like she was scolding me. That pissed me off. But then I realized, that person who was pissed off, was the little girl inside of me. One message, and I revert right back to being a little victim. A child. Parents can do that to us.

So, Me and my little girl sat down and wrote a letter to her. You see, over the last few months, I have had to grow up. I have had to learn to parent myself. It has been hard and painful. I have to accept the fact that she will never be the mother I want her to be. I have had to learn to rely on God, and only God to make me OK. As soon as I start to rely on people to make me OK, it all goes to hell. So, I had to tell her this in the letter. That I have a new mother(me), and a new father(God). I accept for her for who she is and the choices she has made. I got allot of anger out too.

After I finished the letter I prayed, I just sat quietly and listened for a while. While I was meditating I spoke to all of "my girls". By "my girls, I mean me at various ages. And by speaking, I mean, it's mostly feelings, not actual words. This might sound weird to some of you, but I don't care. On this day I paid special attention to the 16 year old. Previously, I had spent more time with the younger girls, ages 4,7, and nine months. I took her took her the side and hugged her, told her I love her and there is nothing that she can say or do that would ever make me stop loving her, and that I will always protect her from harm. Of course, God was there too. In my meditations God is always a shining light that sometimes stays off to the side, and sometimes envelopes me like a huge crystal tornado. It is so awesome and I can always feel His love coming in. Somehow writing about it seems to minimalize it a bit, but I really wanted to share that experience with you.

After praying, I called mom. Before I called I wrote some things down on a piece of paper to look at while I was speaking to her:

God will provide
Don't expect her to be: wise, adult, normal
Accept her for who she is
Be and adult-not a child
I am powerless over her happiness
She is powerless over me
She does not have to be who I think she should be
She is who she is
Don't get sucked into the drama

The call went very well. I kept my boundaries up. I did not let her get away with just talking about all the surfacey things going on our lives. We talked about IT. We talked about HIM. Very briefly. Enough for me to find out that-in her exact words: "He did not deny everything you said." I did not get pissed when the very first thing she wanted to talk about was her job. The very second thing she wanted to talk about was her surgery. The third thing she wanted to talk about was me. I was OK with all of it, because I had accepted her for who she is, and I had no expectations for her to be any other way. I told her that I love her, and accept the choices she has made. She has to accept my choices. She wanted to make plans for a visit-No. Not yet. I told her that I have changed, and that if she wants a relationship with me it has to be honest and up front. She agreed. She also agreed to let me be the one to call her next time.

When I got off the phone I felt so good. Very empowered. Like I had walked through another wall of fear with God by side. While I said nothing cruel or mean, I made no consessions to her. When she said she felt like a terrible mother, I said, "I understand."

Some of you may be wondering or thinking, what about forgiveness? Forgiveness is not even in the picture yet. For some time, I had put forgiveness in the forfront of this entire situation. But, I need to heal first, and it takes time, but it is happening. I feel that forgiveness will come in the same way, in God's time. Now is the time for healing and boy does it feel good!
Thanks for listening.