Getting What I Need

Just got home from a meeting. I am so grateful that I went. It has a been a week.

I feel like my disease is kicked into full throttle. I also feel that my recovery is too. Does that make any sense? Maybe it is all the time I have on my hands, but I feel like what used to come so easily to me, is now something I really have to work my ass off for. Like I am being asked, "How bad do you want it?"

Tonight when my husband came home, and I gave him a kiss I could taste beer. I could taste that beer for about 15 minutes afterwards. I did not get mad at him, I am the alcoholic, not him, he is the type of guy who can have a beer. But I sure did get pissy.

I picked up the phone and started calling people. No one was answering their phone tonight. I was not craving, but I was disturbed, and I did not want to say "He tasted like beer!" I just wanted to talk to another alcoholic. Well, no one was answering the phone. I had already been planning on going to a meeting, and had been making calls today to try and hook up with someone. No one called me back. Anyway, there is a meeting very close to my home. It is not a bad meeting. Some nights I, with my mere three years have the most sobriety in the room. I knew that I needed to be fed some good AA tonight. I know that sounds really selfish, but I feel like I needed to be selfish, like my cup was empty, nothing to give today.

So, I lay on my bed after my shower, feeling pretty sorry for myself, no one to go a meeting with and all. Three years in the program and I really don't have any friends. Poor me, I think I will just stay home and lay on the couch in my jammies. Then I thought, I wonder what Melody Beattie had to say today. I picked up my copy of "Language of Letting Go", and opened it to January 29th. Today's meditation: "Going to meetings"-There a hundred reasons why I don't go to a meeting.........etc. I got dressed and headed out the door.

First stop-Starbucks, I needed a treat! Then I decided to drive to Akron. All the way there I am saying, no expectations, Patty. You need to be a newcomer tonight, get some numbers, really listen! When I walked in and saw who was chairing, I knew he would have an excellent speaker. As it turns out, his speaker had to cancel at the last minute because of weather conditions, and he asked a lady friend of his to share tonight.

She began her story and I listened. I was not raised like her, I did not drink like her, I did not get drunk the way she did. Then she started to talk about the end of her drinking, and the fear, and the hopelessness, despair, terror. Then, reaching out and receiving help, being desperate, wanting it really bad, the loving people in this program that showed her the way, were there for her. I could relate to all of that. Her gratitude. How it's not easy, it's never easy. So much more. I love how we are all so different, yet so much alike. We come from all different walks of life and backgrounds and our common thread is this disease, and how it fianlly brings us to our knees.

Afterwards I went up and introduced myself to her and thanked her. I got her phone number. I am going to meet her at her home group on Tuesday night!
It is time for me to do some footwork. I think that is what has been lacking in my program. God knows, I have been doing way too much "head work!" LOL! I need to spread my wings and go to different meetings too.

Sometimes there is a reason no one answers the phone. I was taught that it means that I am supposed to turn to a power greater than myself for guidance. As I was laying on that bed tonight, I asked God, what should I do? Where should I go tonight? All day I have been thinking about going to that meeting, and all I have been trying to talk myself out of it. It's cold, it's a long drive,it's dark, I can't find anyone else to go with..etc. Then I picked up that book and it was like picking up a mirror.

It really feels as if everything this week has happened for a reason. Along with all the crap that has been going on with me, I have also had so many spiritual experiences. Very intense spiritual experiences. The messages I keep getting are "Give it to me, let me show you, I am here, I love you." I know that whenever that phone does not ring, or get answered, I am never alone in this, not by a long shot. I am so grateful to God. I am so grateful to be right here, right now in this moment, with Him by my side.

I am so grateful for God's gentle nudging that lead me where I was supposed to be tonight! My cup runneth over! Good night!

Monday Morning Gratitude (Post #200)

my sweet girl

Today I am grateful:

For a loving God of my understanding

For the program of alcoholics anonymous, and the 12 steps

That the more I seek the will of that loving God, the better my life becomes

That I only have to stay sober today, this day

To be able to see and appreciate so many blessings in my life today

The people in my life today

To be warm, with a roof over my head, food in the fridge

To have a break form work and school

Time to myself today to do whatever I want!

That Monday is home group night, we will have a home group meeting tonight to discuss our group conscience and the traditions

That even though it is very cold today, the sun is shining.

My husband, doggy and kitty, my little family

To be a sober, recovering woman, full of life!

Hey! That today is my 200th post, I actually started doing this over a year ago and have stuck with it. How about that?

Sober Sunday

Good morning! The women's conference yesterday was awesome! We had a great time, and the speakers were fantastic! Keep in mind that although this was a group of recovering alcoholics that put it on, it was not an AA meeting, and was put on with all private funds. Here are some the things I heard yesterday that really resonated for me:

On Meditation:
D-dignity
I-integrity
G-grace
Na mas De-"The light in me salutes the light in you"
"Breath God's spirit in and exhale God's love out"
"Don't be so spiritual that you are no earthy good"

Balance:
"Learn to accept help of and from others"
"Be of maximum service to God and those around us." (BB pg. 67)
"Relieve yourself of the pressure(need) to do it all."

"Find your 'Divine Assignment.'"
Through:
Prayer and meditation
Things that show-up in your daily life

"Be independent of the 'good opinion' of others."

"Walk to the beat of your own drummer."

"Give yourself permission to be authentic."

Find time for fun

Stay focused

"If you are doing God's will, He will give the energy to do it."

"Give yourself permission to take a break."

"DETACH FROM OUTCOMES"

Intimacy
[into me (you) see]

"When my spirit is broken, my ego takes over"

"See what you can bring to the relationship, not what you can take away."

"Make the effort-don't worry about the results."

"Short-cut solutions cost a high spiritual price."

"What you think of me is none of my business, what I think of you, is."

My sponsor joined us when she got off work and we listened to the last two speakers together. Afterwards, we went out and had a nice leisurely dinner. Came back to my house for coffee, and sponsee and I compared notes with each other. That was cool because she heard things that I had overlooked and vice versa!

As if that was not enough, we all loaded into the car and went to a meeting together.
I got home around ten and returned a phone call I had gotten on my way out the door earlier. It was a friend from work, and I ended up sharing some of my ESH with her about some of the stuff I have been working through in counseling, as well as my alcoholism. I think she may be ready for a change in her life. I was very careful not to push her into something she is not ready to do, but let her know I am here if she ever wants to talk about it again. Then I changed the subject onto lighter things.

I remember the first time I ever shared about my abuse, I was about a week sober and I was on my way home from a meeting with a bunch of girls who had taken me under their wing. We had taken a road trip, and then went out to eat. It all just kinda came out all at once. It was way after midnight when we pulled into the driveway. I remember my now sponsor saying to me: "You just shared allot of really heavy stuff with us tonight, would you like to come in and sit with you for a while?" I was shocked! Who were these people? Did they really care about me that much? They stayed until after three in the morning, and talked about recovery. They shared their stories with me. I will never, ever forget that night and how grateful I was to have theses women in my life who cared so much,were there for me, and understood me!
Thank-you God
Thank you AA
Thank you all you sober,recovering women out there carrying the message!

Winter Slumber

every friday, compose a short story of 55 words - no more, no less. if you want to join in the fun and games and give it a try...post your story and report to the boss G-Man!

The trees are in their winter slumber,
Glazed with ice and snow
The sun kissing their icy branches creates a crystal illusion
Stars twinkling in daylight hours
They are beholden to me
I love the quiet beauty of a winter tree
Sleep sound,
Blessed shade, and bloom, and life
Winter’s slumber soon will be over.

Your Word is "Peace"

You see life as precious, and you wish everyone was safe, happy, and taken care of. Social justice, human rights, and peace for all nations are all important to you. While you can't stop war, you try to be as calm and compassionate as possible in your everyday life. You promote harmony and cooperation. You're always willing to meet someone a little more than halfway.

What's Your Word?

Thursday Morning

I am really enjoying this time off work, and not having school studies. Yesterday I went to noon meeting with my sponsee. We went back to her house afterward and had a nice lunch and continued working on her fourth step. Came home and made a really yummy supper. Fried fish, shrimp and scallops with sweet potato fries and cole slaw.(my house still reeks!) Changed my stinky clothes and went to a women's Big Book meeting that I have not been to in months(because of school). We read in "More about Alcoholism", the guy who put whiskey in his milk and the jaywalker. Stuff I really needed to read.

Today is an easy day, putter around the house, work on some sewing projects, do a little shopping, later.
Tomorrow, more step work with sponsee, and maybe a road trip Friday night.
I am really looking forward to Saturday, we are going to an all day women's conference, with speakers and workshops all day. I am so glad I signed up for this a while ago, not really knowing if I would be able to attend for sure. I talked to the girl last night who is chairing, and we will be getting there very early to help set up.

Talked to my counselor on Tuesday, she seems to think that I am wallowing in my anger. Maybe she is right, but I am not sure if I am ready and willing to move to the next step yet, which is forgiveness. Something is holding me back there, namely, ME. More doors to open and walk through. Meanwhile, I am in easy does it mode, and it feels so good to not have pressure to HAVE to do anything this week. A vacation of sorts. Oh, yeah, she also suggested I take a vacation to somewhere sunny if possible. LOL, I wish! She thinks I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) I don't know how anyone could not have it, with the subzero temps we have been having! So I will somehow try and get more fresh air and sunshine.

Meanwhile, I am going to try my best to just get out of ME. And focusing on ME. ughhh,enough already! There's a big, big world out there! Have a great day everyone!

Peeling Off Another Layer of the Onion

Well, I never made it out to my stump the other day, I beat the crap out of some pillows though, told everybody I was pissed at exactly what I thought of them, with no fear of pissing off God. no editing, just what was in my heart, which was a bunch of nasty smelly garbage. I talked and cried out to God. He was there for me. Then, I sat and listened for a while too, and felt much better. Every now and then I need to be reminded that I am not cured of this disease. I know that is something I should know, but I do forget at times, especially when things are going good. I had another drinking thought later in the day, but did not act on it. But the fact that it was there and was so clear and so logical and matter of fact, scared the shit out of me. This disease is not only cunning, baffling and powerful, it is oh so patient! I was reminded of that, too.

I called my sponsor the next morning and told her everything. She assured me that I was doing wonderfully. Words I needed to hear. She explained that when we are recovering, and getting closer and closer to God, and relying on Him more and more, our disease is bound to kick in on us, such as how it did to me the other day. She told me that the fact that I was mad at my disease, and mad at my abusers, and NOT mad at the person standing in front of me(even though they got the brunt of my anger) is growth. The fact that I turned to God, and not alcohol when no one was there, is also remarkable. The fact that was able to release the anger in a healthy way, (eventually) calm down, pray, and have a spiritual experience with my Higher Power is extremely remarkable.

Having said all that-It was very messy. It was very "not perfect!" I have a long way to go, especially where communication is concerned. Forget about the perfection part! I made it through that mess sober. I did not sabotage myself by drinking when things got messy and uncomfortable. Thank you God!

So, last night, my sponsor and her husband picked me up and took me to Home Group. Did I ever tell you how much I love my home Group? Oh, I did? Well anyway. she wanted me to share my experience with her husband and I did. I should add that they have both been exactly right where I am now in their own recovery. what a blessing. I got allot of really good suggestions, most importantly, I need to keep communicating. I need to tell this loved one exactly what is going on with me. I have not been able to do that. I am so afraid of.........not being heard? rejection? Feeling less than? All of the above and probably many other things I cannot even see. I have been waiting for a door to open.

Sometimes we can wait and wait, and we just have to open the door ourselves. So, this morning at 6:00AM, I opened that door. Six words that have been sticking in my throat for weeks- "I need to talk to you." I opened up about everything, about my alcoholism, and how I almost drank, the PTSD, anger, where I am at, where I am coming from, where I want to go, my relationship with God, how much I truly love him, and feel so blessed to have him in my life. How I don't mean to be mean to him, and how none of this is his fault. How he is an innocent bystander most of the time........everything. He assured me that he would be here for me, I need time to heal, and he will be here for however long as it takes, even if it takes the rest of our lives together, that's OK. What a blessing!

I told him it's OK if he needs to tell me to go see stumpy. I feel so light and free today.

I am so grateful for my life.
Grateful to be sober and recovering.
Grateful for the people that God has put in my path.
Grateful for God giving me the courage to open that door this morning and walk through that fear
Grateful to have someone in my life that loves me and supports me
Grateful to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the 12 steps, that have brought me to this moment, right now, in my life
Grateful for a break from school, and work, I was put on temporary lay-off yesterday, it could not have come at a better time.(never thought I would hear myself saying that!)
Grateful for all the love, prayers and support from you all out there!
Grateful to want to give away this wonderful feeling to others.

Thanks for listening!

Back to the Stump

I hear my stump calling me. It only took three and a half days of being off work for that to happen. Today I am grateful that I can recognize the anger in me welling up, and the ability to release it instead of displacing it. By displacing it, I mean giving someone I love both barrels because I interpret their love for me to be needy and manipulative, sometimes even downright creepy.

After I pay stumpy a visit, I will pray. When the person I love comes home, I will have a talk with him, and tell him in a kind, loving way what is going on in my head. We have had these discussions over and over How I know I am not totally available to him, and the constant demands for my attention piss me off. The guilt I feel is what really pisses me off. Someone constantly in face saying "gimmee,gimeee,gimmee," pisses me off too. I feel like saying back the fuck off! Some days I cannot stand to be touched. Today is one of those days. And I won't let myself be guilted into touching anyone else either. I don't know when it will change, but I need time. Time to heal.

The loved one came back while I was writing this and it did not go so well. He acted hurt and rejected. Sometimes I feel hurt too, and very pressured. I am supposed to tell him what I like and want, instead of what I don't like and don't want. But, I don't know what I want besides just being left alone most of the time! I asked him to please stay so I could explain, it's not him, it's me. I think he is getting sick of waiting for me. He said he will just stay away and then I can wonder where he is. In the past, right now at this moment would be a good time to start getting really drunk. For years before I got sober I was trying my damnedest to control everything, mostly my drinking, but I was always looking for a good excuse to go on a complete bender. It would take away my guilt, and then I could give him what it is he really wants from me. Or, at least what I think he wants. I could deal with the shame later, which would lead to another bender and so on. I would not bother to apologize to that little girl inside me who is so hurt and neglected.
Now I am really angry, but not at him, at the people who abused me. The ones who robbed me of my childhood, raped,shamed,manipulated and guilted me for years and years. I am angry at this disease for trying to tell me that the only way I could possibly deal with this is to get drunk.

I am going to get dressed and go beat that stump now. I am going to continue this journey I started, and I am going to heal. I am going to trust God to take care of me. I am going to stay clean and sober doing it too.

Below Zero

every friday, compose a short story of 55 words - no more, no less. if you want to join in the fun and games and give it a try...post your story and report to the boss G-Man!

Two pairs of long johns, a heavy pair of jeans,
No less than four shirts,
A hoodie for good measure
Wool socks
A coat, of course
1000 gram insulated boots, two buckles over the top
A warm hat
A scarf
A pair of big fuzzy mittens.
I am ready for my trek!
To the mailbox!

Thursday Morning

It is very, very cold here today. Yesterday we worked 1/2 a day in it, brutal! Right now it is zero degrees with a wind chill of -12. I came home, ate some lunch, and crawled into bed. I woke up at 6:30pm, made french toast and bacon for supper, watched some TV and went to bed at mid-night. Guess I was tired! No work today. Thank God!

Today I will keep the home fires burning...literally.

I will make something yummy for supper tonight, I will whisper "love" into it when I cook it, as/per Pam.

I will read my Big Book


I will work on some sewing projects.

I will get the laundry done, and house clean so I can relax for the next three days!

I will check in on a sponsee I have not heard from in over a week

I am reading a book recommended to me by both my counselor and sponsor. It is called "The Road Less traveled" by F. Scott Peck. It has been very insightful and helpful as well as pretty deep, I am enjoying it very much.

This would have my first week back to school, had I registered for classes. I am so glad I held out and did not take any.

It almost feels strange having this time to myself, to be able to do what I want, to not have so many obligations pressing down on me. School, work, homework, housework, forget fun time or me time.

Today I am grateful for:

A loving God of my understanding, that I can trust to take care of me in all times.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps

My Big Book thumpin' sponsor

To want to take care of myself

The willingness to let God show me how

No work today or tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that

No desire to drink

To see "the promises" in my life every day

To be sober and recovering

This day today

My life

Fun in the Snow

My snow angel and snow dog. (Prayer Girl, I was thinking of you while I built this yesterday)


OK, so there's no snow in this one. she's so pretty.
I wish you could hear this windchime, it is heavenly!

Higher Power

We got a big snow storm this morning, all day actually. When I got up this AM, Hubby was gone, out plowing. I had the whole house to myself......all day. I stayed in my PJ's until noon.

When I finally went up to get dressed, I said to myself, "I need to talk to God, then I said, no, I need to listen to God."

I sat on the floor next to my bed and turned on my little sound machine I got myself for Christmas, I put it on "ocean" the timer was set for 15 minutes. I don't exactly know how long it lasted, but once all the chatter floated away, I had an awesome spiritual experience. This has happened to me before, where I have a one on one with Jesus. There were no words, just lots of love. I really don't want to describe the whole thing in detail, because for me, that somehow minimizes it. When the vision floated away, I took a deep breath and said, "Thank you God." The machine shut right off. It seemed like only a few minutes had gone by. I feel renewed and whole again. It is exactly what I needed and it has been there for me all this time. I have been the one holding back.

I spent the rest of the day playing in the snow with my doggy and playing on the computer. After supper, I cleaned up and went to a meeting with my sponsor. I told her all about it in detail. She was thrilled for me. We had a nice talk on the way to and from the meeting. I am so grateful to have such an encouraging sponsor who understands me and what I am going through.

I feel so peaceful and serene tonight. I feel so grateful for everything. Yes, I am going through a rough time emotionally. It is going to be rough for a while, but everything else in my life is going very smooth, and for that I am grateful. God put people in my path this week that offered suggestions to me. It took a few days, but I finally followed through on them. I think the clincher was last night when I was talking to "H", and she asked me, "Where's God?" God is right here in my heart, loving me, taking care of me, so I can take care of myself. Good Night!

55 Flash Fiction Friday

The Runner

My feet ached with each step as they slammed against the cold hard bricks. I did not know how much longer I could keep on running. I dared not take a moment to look over my shoulder. They were gaining on me. I was running out of breath. I turned around, and…………………………………there I was.

TGIF

Only a couple of hours left in this Friday, but I finally am calling it a day.

Thanks to everyone for your comments and feedback on yesterday's post.

I spoke to my sponsor and a good friend about it too and their advice was to do good, reach out. Do good for others and I will feel good about myself. Not like I never heard that before, but I needed to hear it, and guess what? It really helps.

Tonight I had to speak at the jail. I spoke there last year at this time, and all day I kept thinking about this one girl who was all fired up after the meeting. She was very excited about being sober and could not wait to get out and start going to meetings. She asked for my phone number, but I never heard from her. I always wondered what had ever happened to her, I never saw her at a meeting. Tonight when I got done speaking the last girl to stand up and thank me was that girl. She told me how she heard me last year, but tonight she had really heard me. She was not an inmate at the jail either, she was a visitor, a regular one too. She was very excited about starting cosmetology school in February. Seeing that girl tonight really lifted me up! I told her I had been thinking about her all day, and every time I heard someone talk about that jail meeting, I thought of her and how fired up she was that night. She just beamed. Not because of what I said to her, she just beamed!
It was awesome.

Tonight I am grateful for:

A loving God of my understanding, guiding me on my journey in so many ways

Knowing that no matter how bad I am feeling on any given day, I have a wonderful, blessed life

The program of alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 steps, and all the people in the rooms

My friend "H", who asked me to speak tonight, and who helped me so much by sharing her experience, strength and hope with me and by saying things like: "Where's God?", and "I was throwing my garbage on innocent people.", "Do good things and you will feel like a good person." and "Give yourself time to heal."

To be asked to speak at an AA meeting

The next two days off work

That I resisted the compulsion to register for classes when things started getting "icky" this week

Stopping myself today when that negative voice started yammering today

Caring friends

Warm house, full tummy, no big agenda for the weekend

A good day at work

My crew

Hubby, kitty and doggy, my little family

To be a sober and recovering woman

Sometimes You Just Gotta Be.......

It was very cold here today wind chills in the single digits. We worked 10 hours in it. It actually was not that bad. My nose and face were the only things that got cold, yet here I sit in front of the wood stove unable to pry myself away even though I have been dying to get out of all of these layers of clothes. So, why not post.

Actually there is some stuff I need to get off my chest. I have been thinking.......and I think that is my problem, or at least a big part of it. I have lot's of time think at my job. As you may have guessed by now, I am not exactly a brain surgeon I have allot of responsibility, but for the most part I am an observer of sorts. Today, I suddenly realized, that I spend a great deal of that time beating myself up. Maybe that is too harsh of a term, picking on myself is more like it I guess.

So today I got a little sick of it and i decided that I was going to stop being so hard on myself about everything. I think I expect way too much of myself sometimes, and boy do I come up way less than perfect over and over. Then the picking begins. Here is a sample of a conversation in my head this afternoon.

"Why did you say the "F" word? Nice mouth Patty.

"Why can't you be nicer to him? He never did anything to you, there is no reason why he should get on your nerves anyway, what's your problem?"

"No, she probably won't call you either, there you go with your neediness and expectations, why can't you just quit expecting so much from everybody? You don't appreciate anything."

"You need to learn to take care of yourself"

"You need to stop cussing"

"That's not good AA"

"Oh, nice going, why don't you just stick your whole leg in your mouth." "Why can't you just be QUIET!?!"

And then:

You know what "FUCK IT!"

JUST BE!
STOP JUDGING ME!
SHUT UP!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH..........................

My day suddenly got easier when I told the committee to shut up. It has been working over time for a while.

I became happy, joyous and free!

Sometimes you just gotta BE:
A cusser,
blabbermouth,
bitch or whatever it is that you are that day!

And let it be OK.

I am going to go take a nice hot shower and go to bed with the remote in one hand and a pile of books on my lap. God willing, I will wake up tomorrow, put my feet on the floor, and live another day sober on this beautiful earth despite all my character defects! Thanks for listening. Goodnight!

The phone rang at 5:38 AM today. To most people that may cause panic, for myself, a little joy. No work today, stay home. Freezing rain all night will be turning to snow. Yippee!

Sunday night I came across all of my old journals. I have been journaling off and on my entire life since my teens. Right before I got sober, and since I have been journaling very intensely. I started to read through my journal from my first few months in AA. I was working step 12 to the max then! LOL. God put some very special people in my life right from the get go and I am so grateful for that.

One person in particular is a girl I will call "Penny." Penny had survived taking an overdose of narcotics and alcohol. She had recently been released from a nursing home. Although she always spoke very fondly of the place, she said she never wanted to go back there. Penny had a hard time remembering things, but she never forgot my phone number. I met her in my first couple of months of sobriety through a mutual friend at a meeting. I took Penny to a meeting almost every single day because at that time, I went to a meeting every day. We went to the news years eve AA dance together and had a ball. I was not even 90 days sober a the time.

Penny liked to get to the meetings early because that way there was a much better donut selection. I remember one time I was running late and we got there 15 minutes before the start of the meeting. Penny ran over to the coffee table and opened the box of donuts, there were more than a dozen left."Ah, shit!" I heard her say. "Whats wrong?" I asked, she turned around and glared at me and said, "I wanted a fuckin' cream stick!" She was really pissed at me! At less than four months sober, I was like a sponsor to this girl, or at least that's what I thought! That entire first summer I was sober, we were joined at the hip. I was always there to help her in any way I could, eventually I tried to get her to help herself. We would read the Big Book together. We would do gratitude lists together, and powerless lists. She was unable to go to Founder's Day with me because her meds were screwed up and she had to go the hospital. I guess that is when I started to pull back a little.

Monday night at my home group meeting I was thinking and talking about Penny. I was thinking about how grateful I was to God for putting her in my life. She taught me so much, love, tolerance, patience and big lessons about co-dependence, for sure. She taught me that you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink, but that does not mean that you have to stop loving them.

Last year, Penny had to go back to the nursing home. I never found out about it until after the fact. She had been declining. She had problems with her meds, problems at home. Problems that I had finally realized I was powerless over. I always meant to go and visit her at the nursing home. It was quite a ways from here. I never made it down there.

Last night I found out that Penny had died at the nursing home three days before Christmas. She had just turned 50 years old the month before. I am very sad for the loss of her. I regret not having visited her. I guess the main reason I never went is because I was afraid that she would not remember me, or that she would, and it would be so hard to leave her there. I am not over wrought with guilt over it, but I do regret it. Another lesson. It's not all about me.

I am so grateful to have shared this journey with Penny. I take comfort knowing that she is in heaven, and she can eat all the cream sticks her heart desires. Penny may not have had much AA in her, but she definitely had a loving God of her understanding.

I am so grateful to God for putting this little angel in my life. I cannot count the number of times when I was feeling sorry for myself, maybe even thinking about quitting AA, and my phone would ring, it would be Penny, "Are you going to a meeting tonight?" Penny got me out of me. Thank you God for my friend. I put her in your hands some time ago. Penny helped me work step three. I always thought it was step 12, but she is the one who was doing God's work, not me. Thank you God, say hi to her for me and tell her she is still loved,thought of and missed down here.
Thanks for listening.

Saturday Morning Odds and Ends

Is it Saturday? seems like Sunday....again.
Went to a meeting last night. The topic was sponsorship. Ewwwww. I used to cringe at that topic, why else? Because I did not have a sponsor. I got allot of hope at the meeting. I know that about a month ago the topic was brought up and more than 2/3 of the attendees were sponsorless. I remember I used to love it when someone, (usually someone without a sponsor) would say, "The big book doesn't say anything about sponsorship." Well, that is correct. The word sponsor was adopted, I believe. But one thing the Big Book does say over and over again is that the way we stay sober is by working with other alcoholics, sharing our experience strength and hope on a one on one basis in confidence.

Before the meeting I was chatting with a friend "J", she said she was feeling very "squirrely".( I just love that term, so appropriate at times!) Once the meeting got started, and they asked if there were any new people, a girl stood and said it was her first meeting. We welcomed her. I leaned over and asked "J", "How is the squirrellyness?" She said "The meter just went wayyyyy down." So cool! I love it!

This meeting is my old home group. One of the reasons I left was because it was turning into an underground meeting, with very little AA. After over a year of being secretary, treasurer and usually coffee and chair person, I had to give it all up. It worked out good, someone took over the secretary-treasurer position and it has kept him sober for over a year. I have gradually started coming back around, and believe it or not, God has been taking very good care of the meeting, without me there every week!

Last night a guy who I have never seen at this meeting started sharing, not about sponsorship, but about the Holy trinity, and how we need to accept Christ as our savior, etc., etc. He went on and on, repeating himself over and over for a few minutes. I looked around at the couple of newcomers who were there and thought "Oh, shit!" it was getting kind of creepy, reminding me of someone who comes around bloggerland once in a while, yeah, that kind of creepy. Then a miracle happened, he got shut down by the chair person!(and several others),in a kind loving way too. In the past at this meeting, no one would have said anything to him. Last night at this "underground" meeting, a tradition was upheld! Awesome!

Today I will meet will with my sponsee. We will be working on her fourth step. We got together last week, and now she is stuck, needs help. We alcoholics can make this simple program so complicated.(God knows I did!) This is a person working on her masters degree in psychology, the fact that she is even asking for help shows her willingness. So, I will pray before I go over and we will "keep it simple" today.

Today I am so grateful for:

This beautiful program

A God of my understanding

The privilege of not only watching people grow in this program, but to see a meeting grow as well-all miracles!

Saturday morning, coffee, computer, fellowship

Hubby, doggy, kitty, my little family

Pam's inspiring blog this morning! Makes me want to follow in her footsteps!

All you guys out there

To work the steps with another alcoholic

A spur of the moment, fun shopping trip in Amish country yesterday, with a friend from work

To be alive, sober and recovering

Oh, Christmas Tree

I decided to give 55 Flash Fiction Friday a try. Write a short story of 55 words, no more, no less and report it to the boss, G-Man.

Oh, Christmas Tree

Oh Christmas tree!
I cut you down from the forest, for my two weeks of selfish pleasure.
As I drag you to the burn pit for your final wake, a trail of your needles follows me, like tears on the snow.
Please forgive me, tree.
I’m sorry.

Very Grateful

Today I am grateful For:

Another new day to walk the path that my Higher Power has laid out before me

To be alive and sober

Health

Time off from work and school

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the people in it

Enough to pay my bills, buy food, (and maybe go to to Macy's this afternoon!)

The spiritual, emotional, and intellectual growth I have experienced over the last year

The 12 beautiful steps that have changed my life

Not giving up on any of it last year, despite the pain

Good books

Warm fires burning

My husband, doggy and kitty, my little family

Knowing that no matter what comes my way, I never have to face it alone

The love God has shown me

Good friends

That my problems are very small in the big scheme of things

My life

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to everyone! It was a very quiet one here. No parties this year. I went to an eight o'clock meeting,came home and we had pork and cabbage(I'm not much for sauerkraut), and then watched some TV and off to bed shortly after the ball dropped.

I am very glad that 2008 over. I guess if I had it to do over again, I would not change a thing. I grew more in 2008 than in any year since I have been sober. I am hoping things have settled down a bit, because as most of you know it has been very painful as well. I am starting to figure out that it does not have to be as painful as it has been, but I guess, for me, that's how I have to learn. So, thank God, through the most painful stuff, I have learned so much about myself, and it has been well worth it. As recently as this week I just learned that I am not done. I know that sounds silly, but I keep thinking that the lesson is over and I don't have to work as hard anymore. But in reality the work has only just begun.

After years and years of stuffing and numbing feelings to the point of absolute denial, I am starting to feel them, to acknowledge them, and then release them. The other night on the way home from a meeting I was talking to my sponsor about someone from my past that I had never discussed before. I don't remember what got me on the subject. She asked me, have you ever inventoried this before. (CRAP!) NO, I said. Well? So I did the inventory. It was on stepmother number one. When I finished it, I was no longer angry at her, but boy was I pissed off at my Dad. So, that inventory lead to another inventory on him. Usually after doing a fourth step, I feel such feeling of relief and enlightenment(like with the first one). Not this time. I was filled with more anger than I had before I set pencil to paper. I held that anger in for almost 24 hours. The following evening I went over the inventories and learned that I have every right to have that anger, and the sadness that came along with it. Me! That evening when I got home, I went to the wood shop and found a nice long narrow board. We have a very large old stump in the backyard. I went out and let that stump have it. On the first blow, the board broke in half and almost hit me in the head. (note to self, some proper safety equipment may be in order for next time). Now I had two "clubs" to work with. I went nuts on the stump, cursing and spitting. No holds barred, no editing. I thought I was done and started to walk back to the house. I got halfway there, turned around and made a bee-line back to that stump and let it go for about another five minutes! My anger was gone. Now, you would think I would have come in and went right to sleep? Not the case, I was wound up form all that adrenaline I guess and it was one thirty before my head hit the pillow. When five thirty rolled around the next morning, I felt rested and refreshed. I have a feeling of peace and serenity about me that I had not had for quite a while. Funny how I can let the negative feelings that I am denying eat away at me, before, finally, with some suggestions, I surrender and get to the truth of the matter. I pray that I am learning that I do not have to suffer for so long in between these steps. My sponsor has a saying, "You are allowed to be miserable for as long as you want to be." I do not want to miserable anymore, I want to walk in the sunlight of the spirit, one day at a time. Thanks for listening.